


none of your concern

by tansymeadows



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, F/F, Romance, Sexual Content, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:49:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 152,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tansymeadows/pseuds/tansymeadows
Summary: Christen was tired, so damn tired, and the same words replayed over and over in her head, "I think about you, but I won't say it anymore".Or,Christen tries to figure out what it is she really wants.
Relationships: Alex Morgan/Christen Press, Alex Morgan/Kelley O'Hara, Kelley O'Hara/Christen Press, Servando Carrasco/Alex Morgan, Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 562
Kudos: 654





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> This story has been sitting for quite some time so we shall see what comes of it during this quarantine. This is an alternate universe because currently this is A MESS.

_May 2022_

Christen knows that the signs have always been there. Lit up in blinding red, blinking intermittently as if signaling danger ahead. And as she continues forward the signs only get brighter until she can no longer ignore them and she has to just accept the fact that she’s fucked.

Looking back now, with the dust finally starting to settle, she’d be a fool not to reflect on it all. Plus her Stanford degree wasn’t just a piece of paper and her daily meditation wasn’t just to calm her anxieties. No, she needs to analyze it all, her feelings, her decisions, and her reactions to situations beyond her control that have now brought them here. Sitting at her dining room table feeling like the space between them was both expanding and fading away.

That weight in her chest is there. Has been for a couple of months now, lasting longer each day they spend around each other and doubling the days they spend apart.

It would come when they held eye contact for a bit too long to be considered just “friendly”, when they’d search for each other after every game and hug, not speaking a word until another teammate would come and interrupt them, when they would be watching a documentary and suddenly be entangled on her couch when they’d started on opposite ends.

It would come when she’d watch the grey dots in their text thread, disappearing and reappearing, taunting her until she’d just get a reply of “K”, when they would be too tired after practice to go to the beach and instead head to their respective houses thirty minutes apart, when they would bicker over different dinner options to try in LA until one of them would cave and suggest the same restaurant they went to at least once a week.

That weight not once since this whole thing started has alleviated. It’s there now, ever present as tear tracks just start to dry, and her hands fidget in her lap wanting to reach out.

If anyone had asked her a couple years ago, where’d she be, she would never even consider it to be here. But, again, she has a lot of self-reflection to do. It seems like that's all she does now really. Most of the time she's right on the money when it's necessary but sometimes, when it really matters, she's a bit late to the party.

Because Christen knew what it was like to be in love. They both did. They knew what it was like to commit to spending the rest of your life with a person and make promises too grandiose to keep. 

They knew what it felt like to have a love you thought would be forever crumble before your eyes.

They both knew what it was like to give up, to tire from that love.

And Christen is sure that if you're familiar with heartbreak, you must have known love.

She knew. And still she was wholly unprepared for this. And in this unpreparedness, came a naivety that she’s never experienced before. Inexperience she is still trying to figure out. But still this weight in her chest persists and encompasses her like a fog, expanding out from her core and tingling down into her fingertips and toes.

It feels heavy, like a mass of energy waiting and waiting to burst from her being. Shocking her now that she has chosen to come to terms with how she is feeling –finally. And _she_ should have known, she should have understood. So maybe, they could have skipped this part. Maybe they would have been smarter about their feelings, and how they went about expressing them. It could have saved a lot of time, and maybe avoided a lot of hurt. Maybe it would have gone differently? But it’s stupid to think about the alternatives when her reality is right in front of her.

She sighs, aloud actually, causing the woman across from her to finally look up.

Weary eyes stare, bloodshot but still beautiful.

“I’m sorry.” Christen says, clearing the scratchiness in her throat.

She hated crying, especially during an argument, it made her throat dry, her head ache, and her heart tired.

The woman across from her nods, running a hand through her hair, a sign of pent up agitation. “I am too.”

Then she reaches her hand out towards her and Christen takes it without hesitation.

“But I’m not sorry for how I feel about you now. What I said before - I just –" She pauses, and Christen squeezes her hand in support. “It was all bullshit Chris, okay?”

Christen dips her head in understanding but doesn’t respond, knowing there is more.

“I’m just scared. I’m so fucking terrified, because this,” she motions between them with her other hand. “This feels inevitable to me and I can’t even comprehend how it happened.”

Christen tries to find the words to convey what she is feeling. “You feel inevitable to me too. And it’s honestly messed me up.”

A laugh fills the space between them, and the next words are said so softly, Christen strains to hear. “In a good way?”

Christen has never heard her sound this nervous before. Not during all the games they played on national stages, not accepting awards, not making speeches in front of thousands of people. Not once had her voice wavered like it did just then. And Christen knows… she knows her next words are crucial.

And here she is, practically bursting with an energy she can no longer contain. Her hand, intertwined with slim fingers, tingling with it. She is tired of running, of ignoring it all, of not taking the time to reflect on it all. That would stop now, in this moment, with eyes red from crying, voices hoarse from shouting, and an energy in the air that’s electric.

Christen squeezes her hand, “In the best possible way.”


	2. January 2020 - I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Last time I saw you we didn't speak that was strange." - Bryson Tiller, _Exchange_

_The beginning of January 2020_

It’s early Thursday morning when Christen gets the call.

She has just finished showering and getting ready for the day following a run along the beach and the incessant buzzing of her phone has her moving quickly toward the sound. She finds the small black device under some of the new re-inc samples spread across the small entry way table.

The number is a Seattle one she doesn’t recognize and for a moment Christen thinks it might be Pinoe in some sort of trouble. A collect call from a Seattle jail at 9 in the morning would really start Christen’s day off right, given she knows for a fact Megan knew her number by heart and didn’t know Sue’s. Too much tequila at Ash and Ali’s wedding had her pink haired friend revealing random facts and from the state of her Instagram story last night, Christen hopes Pinoe is sleeping off another night out and not using her one call on her here in LA.

Once she picks up, both relief and joy pass through her. It isn’t Megan. Instead a much deeper and heavily accented voice greets her. 

Vlatko Andonovski, the new USWNT coach is inviting her to participate in Olympic qualifying training. She knew the call was coming, but a minuscule part of her still lives for the validation. All that aside, she is just ecstatic to get to the Olympics. She’d come to terms with what happened in Rio in these last few years and she knew it wasn’t her fault. But there’s an itch she just won’t be able to scratch until gold is hanging around her neck in Tokyo come August.

Even after their great performance at the World Cup and everything that’s happened in the past year – she’s resolute. This wasn't the final Olympic roster, but semantics. She will play her best soccer, she’s already manifested it.

But the excitement after she has gotten off the phone with Vlatko lasts about ten minutes before a wave of sadness drowns her.

She looks around her LA home, now missing vital pieces: the surf board in the corner by the garage, the array of sneakers haphazardly taken off in the front entrance, the gaming systems under the TV stand, the different snapbacks scattered in random places despite how often she reiterated that they had purchased a hat rack for a reason.

It had been _their_ home.

Now, where the surfboard used to rest is a banana leaf plant, the front entrance spotless, her shoes having always been placed in the closet. The dust imprint around where the PS4 and old Nintendo64 used to live now swiped clean, a Chanel fashion and Female Artists of the Renaissance coffee table books having taken up residence. She’d taken down the hat rack and it rested against the wall waiting for her to take over to her Dad.

The house now resonates with her touch only, and it scares Christen that she no longer can see the signs that Tobin had ever been there.

Though Christen knows that if she looks closely she can find parts of Tobin she left behind. In the small holes made in the stone fireplace when Tobin attempted to build a TV mount, prideful enough to not call an installer and instead changing the layout of the living room to build an entertainment system which then grew into turning the garage into a den.

She sees her in the light scratches in the wood floor from when Tobin brought home a timid boxer mix with pleading eyes and nursed her back to health before their schedules made it obvious they couldn’t keep her.

She sees her in the indentation in the center cushion of her couch, where Tobin would sprawl out and take up so much space that Christen was always forced to be touching her in some way.

She sees her in the faded pink stain on the off white area rug just under the coffee table, where a glass of red wine had toppled over and they had waited too long to clean it up because Tobin had taken her time with Christen that night.

Christen can see her in a lot of little things if she looks hard enough.

She feels her too.

Especially now, in the moments where she is teetering the lines between happiness and grief, missing her mother's comfort and the life she pictured for herself. Christen is having difficulty remembering a time when Tobin wasn’t there and it’s difficult to process it all.

There is a specific type of emptiness that comes with missing a person’s presence.

If she were to guess, the emptiness started growing slowly, probably right as Tobin walked out of her Salt Lake City apartment, not even slamming the door like any other fight they had but closing it with a soft click.

Somehow, that made it seem more final.

It made it feel like the book that told the story of the last five years of Christen's life had just finished and now there was the daunting task of beginning the first chapter of the next one.

Christen stares around her home again and realizes that as the emptiness grew within herself a sadness had started to fill in the spaces.

*/||\\*

They broke up three months ago in the middle of October. And with national team duties, the holidays and re-inc business going on she hadn’t had time to really process the fact that she no longer had Tobin. Because all during that time Tobin _had_ been there in some capacity.

Not like she had been before of course. They had to adapt on the fly and without talking or really thinking it through.

Thinking back Christen recognizes that it was foolish of her to believe they could still operate how they always had despite no longer being together. They had made a mess of the last three months and only now is Christen realizing the state she’s in. 

To start, two weeks after Tobin had flown back to Portland following leaving Salt Lake City they had two national team friendlies. Her and Tobin had talked sporadically, more so about the ins and outs of re-inc in the group text with Pinoe and Kling then where they stood in their relationship...or lack thereof.

Seeing Tobin for the first time since they broke up at camp before a national team game wasn't ideal. So when they all arrived in Ohio Christen was ready to just get through the next week without messing up the team dynamic in any way. Then when Tobin sat down next to her on the bus on the way to the hotel, Christen knew at least they were on the same page about not letting their break up disrupt the team.

But the air between them on the short ride to the hotel had been so stiflingly uncomfortable Christen could barely breathe. When the room assignments were handed out she'll admit she was relieved that Vlatko had kept up Jill's unspoken rule of couples not being assigned together. Christen was avoiding the situation under the guise of keeping everything together for the next week. 

When everyone started to disperse, Kelley fell into step next to Christen and bumped her on the shoulder.

“You good?” Kelley spoke quietly. They had been assigned to room together and no doubt Kelley was wondering if she should switch so Christen and Tobin could be roommates. “I can switch with Allie if you want.”

Kelley was the only one on the team Christen was aware knew about her and Tobin. Given that Christen had fallen into some sort of fever dream right after Tobin had left her apartment she doesn’t really remember all that happened. But she knows that Rachel called Kelley in a bit of a panic not knowing what to do.

Christen had went full shut down mode, similar to her Stanford days, and when she woke up the next morning in her bed she was sandwiched between her Scottish roommate and one of her oldest friends.

Christen looked at Kelley then over to where Allie and Tobin stood waiting at the elevators. Tobin met her stare as if knowing it was coming and Christen turned back not wanting to analyze whatever it was in Tobin’s eyes.

She shook her head, “No, don’t switch it’s fine.”

Kelley just nodded, knowing that if they were going to talk it wouldn’t be in the lobby of the hotel with all their teammates around. She then wrapped a strong arm around Christen’s shoulder, despite being a couple inches shorter, her tone turning lighthearted like usual, “Well good, this is going to be just like old times then Pressy.”

They didn’t talk about it after settling in, thank goodness. 

Their room was taken over by Sonny, Rose and Mal shortly after dropping their bags down and Christen decided to stay in with them, much to the surprise and excitement of the three younger girls. And even when they all left for the night and it was just her and Kelley, Christen shut down the conversation pretty quickly when Kelley asked if she wanted to talk.

Christen gave her a quick no, and a look Kelley knew well enough to mean that they weren’t going to talk about it that night or any of the following evenings.

She knows that maybe it would have been best to just talk to Kelley then or, better yet, accept her offer of switching with Allie so her and Tobin could talk; but this was months ago, Christen wasn’t there yet and she’s working through her mess now.

For the next two days of camp, Christen and Tobin had tried to keep everything as it usually was. They sat next to each other on the bus ( _despite the awkwardness not going away)_ , kept it 100% professional at practice and during team meetings, and tried to do everything as they normally would without being really present. Plus her friends didn’t ask any questions, most of them likely remembering when her and Tobin took a break two years ago right after Tobin injured her back and how when they meddled it made her and Tobin’s fights that much more cutting.

So it seemed at the time that her teammates were satisfied with knowing whatever was going on between them they would work out on their own.

Christen thought they were passing as well as expected.

They weren't. Not by a long shot. 

She remembers the interested looks she got when instead of doing their usual barefoot walk around the field after practice she sat down with Ali and Becky at center field to talk. She remembers the surprised looks at meals when she would join the table farthest away from Tobin after ignoring the open seat by her ex that her teammates were no doubt leaving open for her. She remembers the looks passed between Alyssa and Pinoe when instead of taking their normal strolls around with Ali and Ash, Christen would make an excuse to join Julie and Crystal on their coffee runs. And Christen remembers the feeling, remembers how agitated she felt sitting next to Tobin and not talking at all. 

She's aware that despite whatever silent agreement they had come to it had failed because them not speaking was the biggest indicator that something was wrong.

It was the most obvious anomaly. One that most of the team hadn't had to deal with in a long time and a situation some of her younger teammates never experienced. 

The game against Sweden had gone well enough, they won 3-2 but things were off. Passes weren't connecting and communication was clipped. Christen realizes that the dynamic had shifted as slowly as the silence between her and Tobin grew; but after the game she was too tired to think it through and she passed on joining whatever was going on in Pinoe and Sam’s room.

The air between her and Tobin on the bus was charged with something else on the way to the Costa Rica game and Christen couldn’t put her finger on it nor did she want to think about why at the time.

She knew what it was when Tobin showed up at her door once everyone got back to the hotel.

The sex at first was hard and fast, reminiscent of when they were apart for a while and couldn’t wait. Then it was frustrating, demanding, and so damn soft that if Christen wasn’t taking all she could from Tobin, she would have seen how much it was hurting them both.

She should have stopped it, insisted that they talk and figure out what they were going to do moving forward. Their lives were so intertwined it was hard to figure out what was just hers and not theirs. But it’s not like a couple of weeks would suddenly change how attracted she still was to Tobin and plus at the time she was trying _not_ to think about all the progress she had made in confronting her inner struggles and verbalizing her feelings.

And when it was over, they still didn’t talk and Tobin didn’t stay and in just three weeks Christen had heard the door shut to her most significant relationship twice.

The next morning Christen was sitting in her usual seat on the bus, eyes closed and headphones in, ready to go to the airport and back to SLC.

When the seat shifted beside her and a hand touched her shoulder, she expected to see Tobin. But instead blue eyes locked on hers and a voice raspier than usual spoke, “Mind if I sit here Press?”

Christen was surprised of course because if Alex was going to sit next to her that meant that Tobin must have asked her to switch.

“No, not at all.” Christen heard herself saying, and Alex sat down. Christen wanted to ask, but she didn’t have much time before Ashlyn and Ali were getting on the bus.

The blonde stopped by Alex and looked at her quizzically.

“Whatcha doing girlie you lost? Your seats right there.” Ashlyn pointed to a seat two rows away.

Alex just looked up and shrugged, “Allie and Tobin want to finish playing some Nintendo Switch game before they get separated. You know how they get.”

The lie fell off the forward’s tongue so smoothly that Christen wondered if Ashlyn caught it. If she had she didn’t say so and when Christen looked at Ali and saw her push Ashlyn slightly in the back, the conversation was over. Ash gave Christen one quick look then moved into the row behind them as the rest of their teammates started to file on the bus.

When Kelley saw Alex in Tobin's usual seat she gave Christen a sad look. Kelley knew just as well as Christen that whatever had happened the night before wasn't for the better. It unnerved Christen slightly because couldn’t Tobin just follow it through for one more 20 minute ride?

Christen knew that wasn’t fair but she hated feeling out of the loop and now she was flying blind. 

When Pinoe got on the bus she stared at Christen for a couple of seconds then just cheered as if noticing nothing and handed Ash the other plastic champagne glass in her hand filled with who knows what. Christen knew a chat with Pinoe was in order as well as Ali and Ash, hell probably most of the team soon enough.

A couple minutes later, Tobin and Allie walked onto the bus, the former not giving a glance in her direction as she moved to the seat Alex had vacated. Allie was her usual self and whatever game she was meant to play with Tobin didn’t seem as much of a priority given the conversation the three blondes were having behind her.

Christen just sighed and sat back, then turned to look at Alex. She was still slightly surprised it was her sitting there, given how serious the brunette was about the bus seats. It had been a big ordeal the first time Christen had messed up the whole thing when she was first called up, and now here she was again doing the same thing. It made her slightly anxious.

“I thought you were superstitious?” Christen said slowly, not knowing what else to say when Alex felt the weight of her stare and turned.

Blue eyes met hers with the same sympathy as Kelley’s. “Oh I am, but we’re just going to the airport so it’s no big deal.”

Christen tried to figure out if Alex was annoyed or not. The other forward even after all this time was still hard to read. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” Alex gave her a slight smile then turned back toward her phone. Christen was grateful Alex didn’t seem too bothered or want to know more about what was going on, but maybe she’d heard most of it from Tobin. Christen couldn’t be sure and would get more anxious if she decided to dwell.

At the airport there was no goodbye between her and Tobin. Christen was annoyed that Tobin had broke whatever unspoken agreement they had and let the silence build between them more. 

Once she got back to Salt Lake she had put the drawer full of Tobin’s clothes in a bag and shoved it into one of the boxes that would be shipped to her house in Los Angeles during the off season.

When she got back to LA she stayed with her Dad in Palos Verdes for a bit and when she told him and her sisters about the break up it was like she was building a metaphorical coffin by hand. And every person after: Pinoe, Ali, Ash, Alyssa, Crystal, Mal, Franny, Lee, and Nima were like nails helping to seal away something she had still yet to face.

None of them had really seemed too phased when Christen told them, probably thinking that it was just a break and not the end. Pinoe, Franny, and Ali were different though and each conversation left her exhausted following. 

She still didn’t cry though, she hadn’t cried since the first night.

November and December blended quickly, re-inc business and being around her family during the holidays made her days busy. Tobin had gotten most of her stuff from the house in LA when her and her sister’s went on a camping trip for a week in the beginning of December. They texted here and there but nothing of substance that wasn’t related to their business.

When she talked to her other teammates it was like there was something they always wanted to say. They asked how she was doing and she would say fine because it was the truth.

She was fine.

Ignoring her feelings and letting it build was _technically_ fine on the surface. Pinoe, Crystal and Ali usually got a bit more out of her and Kelley was ever present, visiting her a couple times a month.

She would say she was just coming out to LA to utilize the beach in Christen's backyard. But the forward knew it was because Kelley was worried.

This time was different and it wasn't just obvious to Christen. 

Ali and Ash’s wedding was beautiful and everything Christen knew it would be. She felt bad for having her friends change around the seating chart since her and Tobin were no longer going together but it wasn’t too bad. Again, the silence between them continued and Crystal had dragged Christen along most of the night, making her dance more than she usually did and forget that her ex-girlfriend was always close by.

At the end of December she had a small birthday party at a beach house in Malibu Megan rented for the weekend and New Years. It was fun, she got drunk for the first time since she had started drinking again and when Tobin sent a text wishing her a happy birthday, she handed her phone to Channing without a second look and enjoyed the rest of her first hours of 31.

It had been the first of her birthday’s in five years they weren’t spending together, and still Christen didn’t cry.

New Year’s was mostly the same, except this time the party was a lot bigger and she was the one who texted Tobin first.

Tears didn’t come that night either.

But she’s crying now, on a Thursday morning in January sitting in the Tobin shaped indent in the couch, phone still in hand, and realizing she has let both herself and her ex-girlfriend down these past three months.

She had felt this way before, right after Tyler and her Dad had told her that her mom was gone. There is only one word she can think to describe it.

Lost. 

But unlike then, she doesn’t have Tobin to help guide her through. Now she needs to do it for herself. She needs to deal with it all, practice what she has been preaching for years, and try to come out of it better than before.

Christen got up, flipping the couch cushion over with a slight huff before moving into the kitchen, opening a drawer and pulling out a notepad and pen. She takes a deep breath, wipes her eyes and accepts that she has a to-do list to make.

She knows it will help, bring some organization to the chaos that was now within her head as she tries to figure out how to move forward.

Christen takes a look around her home again knowing she needs to face what she has been putting off. Because, sure, she had filled the obvious spaces where Tobin’s things had been but she hadn’t _replaced_ anything really.

The picture frames on the walls and on display were mostly now empty or turned down because Christen couldn’t stand looking at the stock photos within the frames that used to hold snapshots of the last 5 years of her life.

Christen begins to write.

_1\. Print pictures for frames_

She glances around again.

One of Tobin’s paintings is still hanging on the wall by the dining table and Christen knows there was another leading to the bedrooms and a couple in the den in the garage.

_2\. Order new art_

She walks through her home making notes as she goes room to room. She notices the empty hangers on the left side of her closet and the large boxes in the study Tobin had shipped from Portland.

_3\. Unpack boxes_ _and reorganize closet_

And so it went. By the time she gets back to the living room she has a seven point to-do list but can’t seem to take her eyes away from number six. Because writing it all down was one thing, doing it would be another. 

She needs to meditate.

So Christen sits back down and begins to shift slowly through her thoughts. It doesn’t take much time to realize she’s struggling between moving from depression to acceptance. She had moved through the first three stages of grief during the first month of their break-up with exceptional ease and now is stuck.

She starts crying again because goodness she has a lot of tears to go around after three months of repressing it all. She isn’t sure, but she hopes the tears signal the beginning of acceptance and not regret.

A couple of minutes later, feeling heavy and slightly nostalgic, Christen grabs her list again and starts with what she can do.

In the next few hours she unpacked the boxes Tobin had shipped from Portland a few weeks ago, reorganizing her closet so it doesn’t look like she is waiting for someone to come back. She then repacked in the same boxes some clothes that the brunette had forgotten in a couple of drawers, the bag of clothes from Salt Lake and the different pieces of art that were around the house.

Christen made a mental note to suggest to Pinoe and Kling that they could auction some of the pieces for charity if Tobin agreed.

When she finishes taping up the last box, she feels a bit better. She is still overwhelmingly sad, but not because she was packing up a vital part of her life, and sending it away. No, their breakup had been the right thing.

Her sadness stemmed from losing a piece of herself, a piece she’d given to Tobin long before they started dating. Tobin was her best friend, and the unfathomable trust you have in a best friend is anchored in the idea that they will always be there. No matter what.

So the silence and absence that followed, on both their ends, was jarring enough that she has to relearn how to love herself alone. She has to relearn who she is without Tobin.

Christen carries the boxes to her car then grabs her computer and spends the next twenty minutes ordering a couple of art pieces from some of her favorite art boutiques. Then she scrolls through her phone until she had an album full of pictures she would print to go into the frames scattered throughout her home.

She checks those items off of her list then moves upstairs. There is still one area of the house she hasn’t ventured to yet.

She walks slowly along the hallway, her feet stopping just outside the door that will take her to the rooftop balcony that spans half the width of the top floor. She hasn’t been up there since before France, her and Tobin’s schedules never lining up well enough to come back to LA together following the World Cup.

When they had first viewed the house, the quiet neighborhood and closeness to the beach had drawn them in. Plus, with Hermosa being so close to her childhood home it wasn’t much of an uphill battle for her. But once Tobin had stepped out onto the balcony, Christen knew they were buying the place. And once Christen joined Tobin, both of them leaning against the half wall that looked out onto their small street and the ocean in the distance, she felt forever in that moment.

That seems so long ago now. 

She takes a calming breath and opens the door.

The two cushioned chairs are where they left them and the blankets are still nicely folded in the small basket next to the door. The succulents off to her left that sit within the wooden shelving Tobin and Jeff had put together when they moved in are thankfully still alive and the white fairy lights still sit on the bottom shelf, a plan for Christmas decorations never coming to fruition.

As she moves towards the chairs, Christen notices the scuff marks along the white stuccoed half wall. The half footprint is a hard reminder of Tobin's presence and it draws her eyes long enough as if to say that it hadn't rained enough to wash that part away. 

The sun is still high in the air and if Christen listens hard enough she can hear the crashing of waves over the sounds of cars. Her and Tobin had spent so many early mornings and quiet evenings up here. Watching the sun rise and fall, sometimes talking about nothing, other times everything, and sometimes not talking at all.

Christen looks down at the list in her hand.

_7\. Call Tobin and talk._

She had underlined talk three times, a silent reprimand to herself that she needed to act like a grown fucking woman and not the scared girl she had regressed back to.

Christen stares harder now, her eyes straining as she feels her pulse pounding in her ears.

She’ll call tomorrow. 


	3. January 2020 - II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We had a vision though, now we dead roses." - Blackbear, _Deadroses_

_The middle of January 2020_

Christen stares out into the expanse of the ocean trying to figure out the best way to get Kelley out of the water. It’s cold now in LA and the breeze from the ocean catches the material of her sweatshirt and leggings, sending a chill through her. But the sun warms the skin on her face enough she’s only mildly annoyed to be out on the beach pretending she isn’t starving. 

She’s supposed to be elbow deep in chicken marsala from Mama D’s right now. Her stomach grumbles just from the thought and she glowers out at the ocean as surfers bob and weave through the waves.

It’s 5:30 in the afternoon and, aside from a group of guys passing a Frisbee around, the beach isn’t too packed. She lives just far enough from Hermosa Pier that most people on this strip of sand live in the area. It’s calm and serene most days and the sun is still high enough now that Christen can just make out the faces of the ones in the water. 

She spots Andrew first. Her neighbors’ son, home from UCLA for the long MLK day weekend, is just starting to paddle to ride an oncoming wave. 

The tall and lanky 21 year old has basically taken her spot as Kelley’s best friend in LA ever since they met during one of her previous visits. His parents, Paula and Jacob, aka the nicest neighbors Christen’s ever had, invited her over for a crab boil one weekend while Kelley was visiting. 

At the time she had never met Andrew, he’d been away at school when Christen and Tobin first moved in the previous year. But their youngest daughter, Makayla, was a sweetheart and whenever she got Mareena and Khalessi from her dad for the weekend the 16 year old would join her on her walks with her own dog, Lil Sebastian. 

A golden retriever named Lil Sebastian...she seriously loved the Crafts. 

She had spent the last two weekends over at their house with Paula and Makayla, baking and drinking fresh lemonade trying to at least be productive during her down time and learn how to bake a proper apple pie. It took her mind off things and gave her an opportunity to exist where nothing was asked of her except arriving with an empty stomach. 

Anyways, Andrew and Kelley had bonded quickly over surfing. And Kelley of course became somewhat of a goddess among college frat boys when she beat him and his friends all at beer pong and quarters once the table was cleared of crab and crawfish shells and the newspaper coverings. 

The following morning Kelley had walked into the den with a wet suit still hanging from her waist and a borrowed surfboard under her arm. Since then the two of them have been thick as thieves and had been out in the water the past two afternoons. 

When Christen finally does see Kelley, she’s jogging up the sand towards her with a smile so large Christen's anger after being deprived of food lessens by a small margin. 

“Sorry.” Kelley says upon approach. “I didn’t realize how late it’s was. I don’t have my watch on.” 

“It’s fine, you saved me from having to figure out a way to get you back on land." She places her hands on her hips so Kelley knows she means business. "But I’m starving O’Hara.” 

“Okay, don’t want to feel the wrath of Princess P." Kelley laughs then drops her board at Christen's feet. “I know how you get when you're hungry. Let me just grab my stuff.” 

She watches as Kelley moves to a pile of towels and clothing and starts digging around. A couple of seconds go by then Andrew is coming out of the water and making his way toward her.

“Hey Christen, what's up?”

The sun is just starting to dip down at his back and Christen thinks of soft conversations and whispered pleas. It startles her because goodness every sunset she sees can't just bring her back there. It's entirely inconvenient. 

"When are you going to come out and surf with us?" Andrew continues now a few steps in front of her. 

She smiles, shaking the memories from her head. “I never really picked it up so I'm fine just watching." 

"Don't bother Andrew, I've tried teaching her before." Kelley responds still moving around the items at her feet, obviously looking for something. "It's a lost cause." 

She watches as Andrew walks over to Kelley to join in and (hopefully) help in gathering their things. "You're probably a bad teacher dude, you have to be patient." 

"She knows how to keep a girl waiting though." Christen pitches her voice just loud enough so they both can hear her over the crashing waves. Kelley's going slow, like how long does it take to get your stuff? 

Andrews gives her a quick look then turns back to pick up his board and bag. “Kelley, your girlfriend’s pissed.” 

Christen laughs because she realizes she has her arms crossed and her stance has taken on one akin to a challenge. She probably does look pissed and listen, if she was dating Kelley she probably _would_ be at the moment.

The older woman pops up with a hand raised triumphantly holding her phone as sand drops away from it. Kelley gathers the small pile of her things then walks over to Christen and locks an arm around her neck. “Pressy wishes she was dating me.”

She shrugs out of the hold easily and Kelley just smirks before stooping down to pick up the surfboard. With everything finally all gathered the three of them begin to make their way up towards the boardwalk. 

Christen sees in her peripheral vision Kelley turn towards Andrew once they hit the sidewalk. “Also, I told you my girlfriend is in DC.” 

“Whatever, never seen her anyway,” Andrew comments with a shrug. “Maybe she isn’t real.” 

Kelley cackles. “Dude, I've showed you her picture. And you’ve seen me in a full on lip lock with her after we won the World Cup.” 

Christen remembers seeing Kelley sprint towards the family section of the stands and leap up to grab onto the railed barrier. She was in awe of her best friend at the time because Kelley had just played almost a full 90 and here she was, forearms locked, holding herself steady as Liz made her way through their family and friends toward her. Then when she saw Kelley murmur something to Liz, the other woman without hesitation, kissed Kelley chastely on the lips. She remembers grabbing Tobin's arm so tight at the sight because she was so happy, and proud, and just so freaking full at that moment. It amazed her because if anyone would just make a statement like that, after not commenting about her relationships or sexuality her whole career, it would be Kelley.

Her and Liz are still very happily together and it's been quite some time since Christen has seen her friend as content as she is in this relationship. She does feel bad for taking so many weekends of free time, but to be fair she never actually asks Kelley. The other woman just texts her a day or two before she is set to arrive. She's not complaining at all though and she knows Liz understands. 

They're moving through a section of houses that will lead them to the incline two blocks from her street. Christen loves this walk, and her legs pump easily as she makes her way up the hill, the sun slowly making it's decent towards the horizon. Andrew and Kelley are still engaged in conversation, talking about the shenanigans Kelley got up to during the victory parade as they take a left and walk along the back street towards their homes.

“I haven’t seen her _recently_ is what I meant.” Andrew emphasizes, bringing them back to the topic at hand. “All I’m saying is you spend an awful amount of time in LA when your girlfriend is on the other side of the country.” 

"Pressy is my best friend and you know if you wanted to know if she's single you can just ask her." Kelley stops as they reach the Craft's open garage and hands Andrew back the surfboard. "But I will say, she doesn't go for younger guys man, sorry." 

"I-I wasn't," He sputters and Kelley just laughs, clapping him on the back and looking entirely too delighted. Christen holds a hand up to her mouth to prevent any sound from coming out. The shear horror on his face is actually pretty funny but she begins to feel bad once the blush sets in. 

"Leave him alone Kel," She says, grabbing onto Kelley's arm to pull her the remaining feet to her own garage that's slowly opening.

"See you later Andrew, say hello to your family for me." She continues and Kelley's still laughing as he gives a half-hearted wave then disappears into the garage. 

“That was mean." She says as see steps into her garage turned den. 

“He knows I'm joking. And his brain just hasn’t fully wrapped around the fact that we aren’t those best friends who sleep with each other every once and a while.” Kelley says as she steps out of her wet suit and hangs it on one of the hooks along the back wall. "Sorority girls these days are wild." 

She hums because college definitely has changed, but the exploration and freedom that's afforded is probably still the same. She's still curious though, because it wasn't the first time Andrew had made a girlfriend comment at them and despite Kelley's antics she knows it's not because he was wondering about her own relationship status. “But why does he even think that?” 

“Pressy, you’re a smoke show. Do I have to remind you?" Kelley groans then turns towards her as she opens the back door and they move into her mudroom. "Plus, I'm hot and I have been visiting a lot these last couple months. It isn't exactly a reach." 

“You're also very humble." She quips, then continues. "I’m just saying that Megan and Sue come to visit me and so does Mal. And he never says anything about that.”

It seemed that the past couple of months she had a rotating door of friends coming to visit her and plus her sisters were always making time for both her and her Dad. She thinks it's helped a lot - having so many people around, because going through a break-up alone in the house you bought together probably wasn't the most ideal. 

Kelley stops at the bottom of the stairs and wiggles her eyebrows at Christen. “Oh no, he thinks you’re banging all of us.”

She chucks a discarded towel at Kelley, which the woman easily evades as she moves up the stairs. “Gimme 10 minutes to shower.”

“Five!” Christen calls up after her and picks up the towel to put it in the washing machine. 

“Seven!” Is the response she gets and she'll take that as a win. 

About eight minutes later, _not that she was timing or anything_ , Kelley bounds down the stairs and grabs the keys out of the small bowl on her entry table. 

“I’m driving.” She says before she's out the front door and Christen is quick to follow, knowing she's going to have to battle Kelley for the keys, because there's no way she's letting that woman drive. She needs chicken marsala to come into her life soon, and if Kelley's behind the wheel who knows if they'll make it in one piece.

Hours later, once they are back at her house, empty stomachs now full, Christen’s staring at her half packed national team duffle on her bed. 

She's not sure why she's stopped packing. All her clothes and toiletries are laid out in front of her, and she's triple checked everything but she still feels like she's forgetting something important. Maybe if she stares at her bag long enough it'll pack itself and whatever she's missing will appear. Wishful thinking sure, but it could work. 

She hears Kelley's soft footsteps and turns to see the other woman leaning against her open door. Kelley looks at the open bag and all she needs to pack inside of it. 

“Wow, I finished packing before you. I'm so proud of myself."

"That's not exactly fair Kel, you've been living out of your suitcase for the past week. All you had to do was wash your clothes and put them back in your bag." 

"Semantics Pressy," Kelley waves off. "You ready for camp though?" 

She just nods, and turns back towards her open bag, searching for something she hopes is going to magically reveal itself to her. 

"Nervous? Excited?” Kelley asks. 

And Christen is.

She's nervous about the steps it will take to get back to the Olympics, her role on the squad with their new coach, not repeating what happened four years ago. But she's also excited because she's ready to step up and continue to be a leader on the team, she's ready to show that she's deserving of a starting spot despite the depth they have, and she's ready to rewrite history and take home a gold medal. 

“A little bit of both. I don’t know it’s just I’ve been waiting so long for this and now it just feels –“ She searches for a word to describe it but she can’t quite reach it. She doesn’t know why the nervousness is consuming her more than the excitement right now. Why she feels like she’s been waiting for this for four years and now something’s amiss.

“What does it feel like Chris?” Kelley asks softly and Christen turns to sit down on the bed and look at her friend.

“It feels like – “ She searches for something to make Kelley understand. “Do you remember my junior year? We had just won the Pac-10 conference and we were about to go to the school banquet and I couldn't find my grandpa’s necklace?”

“It feels like that?”

Christen nods and Kelley comes to sit next to her on the bed.

“I remember, you and Allie looked everywhere top and bottom for it and you guys couldn’t find it. And it didn’t matter that you had just broken all these records and that we were going to the college cup. None of that mattered because the whole time at the banquet you were reaching up towards your neck for something that wasn’t there.”

That evening had been one of the worst of Christen's life, having thought she lost one of the last things her grandpa had given her before he passed. She had sulked through the whole banquet and none of her teammates could cheer her up. She remembers being up on the stage and getting awards for breaking the assists and shots attempted single season records and not feeling an ounce of happiness. She was getting swallowed up whole so slowly during her college days that she's just glad she came out of it better and healthier. 

Right now she doesn't feel that all consuming sense of dread and sadness but she feels like she’s reaching out for something and grasping at nothing.

“You’re sad Chris." Kelley says after some silence. "And you feel like you should be happy, but there’s a big piece of you missing.”

Christen sighs, because Kelley’s right. For the last four years she’s been writing different versions of her future for the Olympics and in every single version Tobin was by her side. And now she’s living it and the woman isn’t there.

She feels the bed shift and then Kelley’s handing her a Kleenex. Christen reaches up towards her face in slight surprise and - yep, those _are_ in fact tears. She lets out a pitiful laugh then reaches out for the offered tissue. 

“I’m not sure why I’m even crying.” She's annoyed with herself, annoyed at the tears that, now that she's noticed, track down her cheeks almost mockingly. 

Kelley just drops down next to her again and wraps an arm around her, pulling her in tight. “Because it fucking sucks and despite the talk you two had and how good you’ve been feeling, it might take longer than four months to get over it.”

Tears begin to pool larger and she can't help but lean into the comfort Kelley's offering. Because it does suck, it sucks so freaking much.

“But it’ll be okay.” Kelley whispers into her hair. “I promise.”

She wasn’t sure what state she’d be in if Kelley wasn’t there for her over the last couple of months. The older woman was an endless bundle of energy and usually had Christen out and about, exploring the areas of her hometown she never experienced as a kid. It proved to be a good distraction - obviously.

She had run from confronting her feelings for three months then went on a mini home remodel bender once it all boiled over. And yes, she's proud that she had worked up enough nerve to call Tobin last week. But now it seemed like camp was going to be another hill she'd need to climb if she couldn't even pack all her stuff without crying and missing something she'd never thought she'd lose. 

She wonders if it makes her a bad person to hope she isn't the only one feeling like this. Probably, right? She internally chastises herself because _yes, yes it does._ But she knows they both have good support systems around them. And she want's to believe Kelley.

She thinks for the most part she does. But just because she believes it, doesn't make it hurt any less. 

When will it hurt less? She doesn't know.

When will her excitement and happiness outweigh her longing? She doesn't know that either. Christen tells herself it will be soon.

She’s going to make this tournament hers and take what she wants, what she needs - for herself.

She has to. 

*/||\\*

When the first day of Olympic training camp for the qualifiers arrives, Christen’s hopes are high.

She feels that her best soccer is coming and she’s ready to finally get her boots back on the pitch and play the game that she loves with the people that she loves. She feels a lot better than she did the night before and that's all she can really hope for. Plus, Christen knows that her and Tobin will be fine. They might not be there yet individually but presenting as a tightly held together unit she believes they can do. Professionalism at its finest. 

She thinks back to the day after she had made her to-do list, cried her eyes dry, and watched the sunset over Hermosa Beach for the first time without Tobin. 

With the boxes shipped, picture frames filled, and one less hat rack to manage, Christen sat down and completed the final piece of her list. 

Broken texts between them and conference calls weren’t nearly enough to help put Christen’s mind at ease. A lot needed to be said, especially given that in a week they would be back around each other for camp.

And Christen couldn’t – no she wouldn’t, have a repeat of the week of November friendlies. No matter how much they both might have wanted to keep the team energy high, it didn’t exactly work out that way.

So now it was their responsibility to get themselves together so the team dynamic could again form, but this time, without them as a couple. Also, it would be helpful for Christen’s emotional status if they finally did talk.

So she called, in the middle of the afternoon when Christen was sure Tobin was up and moving.

When Tobin answered, she sounded slightly out of breath but nonetheless relieved. Between the two of them, Christen knew that if they were going to have this conversation she was going to have to be the one to initiate it.

Throughout their relationship she had always been the one who wanted to talk everything out. By arranging everything out in the open with words she was able to better reflect and internalize it all without falling down the rabbit hole of doubt and anxiety that plagued her teenage and early adult years.

But with Tobin, she needed time to sort through it all silently. Often times the brunette would go off on her own. She would walk around Portland for a few hours or when they moved to the beach she would grab her surfboard and head down to the water. Christen had watched her one day, uncertain if she should follow. So when Tobin looked back to check if she was there, Christen began her trek silently behind her.

She had sat on the beach and to her surprise Tobin didn’t surf, instead she paddled out and just sat on her board looking out at the ocean for almost an hour. When she came back in, she sat down next to Christen and tried to explain how she was feeling.

Tobin had always told her that Christen was the therapist and she was the builder. Words were healing for Christen; whereas, for Tobin she needed to construct everything using her hands or silently diagram it all in her head in order to help put what she had a hard time verbalizing into a reality.

But given that Christen hadn’t exactly been following her own guide as of late when it came to self-expression, their conversation started a bit rough. Small talk was never a strong suit for either of them, but once Christen took a moment to just breathe she realized that this was the woman she had been in love with for the last five years. The woman who didn’t need to pull teeth to get her to open her heart fully and share what was on her mind.

So, Christen started off by apologizing for her silence and complacency. She apologized for not reaching out to her before she left for Portland, for having her field the questions from their friends and family not knowing what to say, for pretending that everything was good between them during camp when it obviously wasn’t.

Tobin was sorry too. She apologized for the things that she said, for leaving the way she did in Salt Lake City, and for pretending that the last three months weren’t some of the hardest. But Tobin also made it a point that she wasn’t sorry they slept together after the Costa Rica game.

“I’ll never be sorry that it happened Chris, but I am sorry for leaving like I did.” Tobin had breathed out slowly. “It definitely hurt when I got back to my room and I knew that hurt you too. I felt like such an ass for not saying anything so I begged Alex to switch with me.”

“Thanks for the heads up about that by the way.” Christen replied, she wasn’t upset about it anymore but Tobin needed to know she didn't appreciate the decision.

Christen heard Tobin adjust on the other end.

“Sorry about that too. I got a lot of calls once I got home so I know that it must have been the same for you.”

“It’s okay, we were going to have to tell everyone eventually.” Christen assuaged.

“No, I know, but you probably wanted to do it on your own time and it probably would have been best after we had a conversation like the one we are having now.” Tobin admitted and Christen heard her adjust once more.

Tobin was getting fidgety; most likely because she couldn’t see Christen and was only going off the inflictions in her voice.

So she wasn’t surprised when after getting out a couple more regrets from the last three months Tobin asked to FaceTime her instead. Christen knew it was so they both could get a better understanding of how the other was feeling and she was long past feeling nervous about being vulnerable with Tobin, so she agreed.

To her surprise, when Tobin materialized on the worn brown leather couch in what was also once Christen’s Portland apartment, she felt the sting of tears coming on but none fell.

Once they were able to see each other the conversation got somewhat easier for her. But only in terms of reading Tobin's expressions. It was still difficult for Christen to revisit the details of why they needed time apart. Plus, having sex three weeks after agreeing to end things, then not talking about it for three – almost four months, had made her realize they needed to not only adapt better, but set some boundaries. They also agreed that if anything bothered the other person they would talk about it.

Getting past the nitty gritty was difficult enough but talking about how they were going to navigate camp with eighteen different personalities and not to mention the coaches and team staff was something they weren’t very familiar with.

Christen had been on a team with an ex before, but with both Olivia and Vero, her respective teams either experienced them together or as exes. With the national team they were about to get both, with the addition of years of being closely intertwined with the ins and outs of their relationship.

Both of them had known what they were signing up for when they got together. She’d been on the team when some of her teammates relationships fizzled out and the awkwardness that surrounded them after. But her and Tobin were different; they both knew it and they were already experiencing the ramifications of it all.

Plus at 25, she never thought they wouldn’t make it.

But now she’s 31, single, and FaceTiming her ex talking about how relationships on the team have slowly started to implode while they’ve been away.

Life had a funny way of kicking you in the ass.

She had tried to keep her friends and teammates from taking sides but it was inevitable, especially since they were only getting bits a pieces from them since they had yet to talk. This was probably how a divorce felt. Dividing things up between the two of them that should never even be in the equation to begin with. 

Most of their friends were aware that the break up was more serious than they initially thought. Most of the older players seemed to be handling it well, aside from Pinoe who texted every other hour and FaceTimed her just to chat when she didn't respond back right away. It warmed her heart though to hear that Megan was doing the same thing to Tobin. They then delved into all things re-inc and she realized professionalism would never be an issue with them. 

But their conversation rounded back to the team when Tobin let her know that there might be a buddying problem with some of the younger players. They agreed to take some time during camp to talk to them individually. 

The beginnings of "emotionally drained" were creeping up on her and Christen could see the fatigue in Tobin’s eyes that would appear when a conversation was taking all her energy. The conversation was heavy and they both felt it. But, it was needed and she felt the invisible weight on her shoulder start to lift.

“So that’s it then?” Tobin asked, after a prolonged silence.

“I think so,” She replied softly. “Unless there was anything more you wanted to say?”

Tobin ran a hand through hair, in the relaxed way she always did before laying back against the couch again. “Actually yeah, there is one thing.”

Christen quirked an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue.

“How are you Chris?”

She couldn't help but laugh because _geezus_ it was a strength of Tobin’s to be able to jump from serious and exhausted to effortless nonchalance a second later. And _god_ Christen loved her. She always would. But it just wasn’t right – at least not right now.

Tobin laughed too and smiled back. “I miss your laugh.”

A slow warmth washed over her and she shook her head. This was starting to get confusing. “Tobin – “

“I know – I know, I’m sorry. Boundaries.” Tobin lamented, looking genuinely apologetic. “But I’m serious Chris, tell me about your week – minus all of this I guess.”

Christen sat back and did as she was asked because this was how they would heal. The same way they fell in love. Slowly and patiently, without a hint of expectation. 

Once she was off the phone she felt both satisfied and repentant. And Christen had tried to uncover the part of her that was happy to be called up for qualifiers and bring it to the forefront. She knew she couldn’t let her sadness take over, because there wasn’t anything she could do about her current situation. Tobin wasn’t her girlfriend anymore. They no longer shared their days together. She needed to accept her decision again, just as she had the night before, and live for making herself happy.

Kelley had arrived the following day and she had been swept up into drinking mimosas by the beach and running drills at her old high school. Then the whole packing debacle had happened and now Christen feels mildly relieved. She hopes she’s left the tears in LA.

No tears have come yet as she tries to keep up with Kelley as she moves swiftly through the Houston airport towards baggage claim to where the rest of the team is no doubt waiting.

Their flight from LA had been delayed by about forty-five minutes due to some maintenance issue and thanks to the all caps message Christen received from Pinoe upon landing she knows they are the last ones to arrive. It still mystifies her that the staff are able to book flights that coordinate as well as they do, but when a delay happens it kind of throws a wrench in the whole thing. But the team is waiting for them, something about Vlatko having a motto that no one gets left behind. 

When the finally make it onto the bus, bags safely stowed in the under belly, the whole team erupts in applause and hollers. Kelley throws her hands in the air as if she just landed a plane in the middle of a hurricane and Christen just looks down sheepishly. 

Kelley makes her way to the back of the bus and Christen looks to where she usually sits to see the seat empty. Another thing that was easily worked out between her and Tobin during their talk, the coveted bus seats. 

“Looks like your stuck with me.” Alex smiles up at her then moves into the aisle so Christen can slide by. “You like the window right?”

“I don’t mind.” She answers and really she doesn't, she's just glad that one thing at least is checked off without incident. She catches Tobin’s eye from where she is sitting two rows back in Alex's old seat next to Allie.

The smile that she gets is one that Christen can't help but return before she sits down. It feels like progress. 

Once they get to the hotel, the rooms are assigned and her and Alex are paired together. She's not upset about being with the other forward, it's a welcome change from the norm that was most camps. She just knows this will be a big week for her. With everything going on with the team and the anniversary of her mom's passing coming up...it's a lot.

She just hopes Alex will be okay with her possible changes in mood.

The team quickly disperses, having the remainder of the afternoon to themselves, since they don’t have a team meeting until after dinner. She considers texting Megan and seeing what her pink haired friend is getting into but her neck is killing her from the flight so a nap might do her some good. So she decides to take a quick shower to wash off the smell of recycled airplane air before settling down for a couple of hours.

Alex is sprawled out on the bed closest to the window when she gets out of the bathroom and it looks like she isn’t the only one in need of a little rest.

When she settles in under the covers the other forward turns towards her, eyes alight looking anything but tired.

There’s a beat of silence and Christen raises her eyebrows in silent question. Maybe there isn't a nap in her cards after all. 

“How are you?” Alex asks and it takes Christen by surprise. It’s a simple question, one that she could give a simple answer to but something is nudging her to give a little bit more.

“I’m as good as you’d probably expect,” She starts. “Happy, nervous, a little bit sad, scared that I’ve disrupted the team in some way.”

Alex nods in understanding and Christen wonders for a moment how much she knows.

The two of them have never been close. Christen doesn't dislike Alex in anyway but with how often they were pitted against each other in drills and scrimmages when she was first called up made it hard for them to really get past the stage of “almost friends”. They competed fiercely for the 9 spot, Alex being one of the most competitive people on the team other than Kelley, and it was a constant reminder that she needed to work harder.

But back then Christen was really only competing against herself. A game she can say she lost a whole lot more than she won for a while there.

Plus, the 9 was Alex’s long before Christen was even called up and she had come to terms with having to excel elsewhere. As the years went by they developed an understanding that competing against each other in practice every day made them both better and Christen never took it to heart if Alex body checked her into the grass more times than once. She had gone to school with a 21 year old Kelley O’Hara, she had some experience under her belt.

But again, they had never been close. They were teammates and that made them friends by association but she didn’t ever talk to Alex outside of national team stuff. And during down time they hung out with different people, Alex often times with Kel or Allie and Christen was always somewhere off with Tobin, Megan, Ash, Ali, or Alyssa.

But she’s aware that now that would probably change. She didn’t have any problem hanging out with Tobin, but she knows it will be weird. And she can’t shake the bit of nervousness that creeps up on her with the thought. She doesn't want her friends having to choose who they would rather hang out with as her and Tobin try to understand how to operate again out of a relationship.

“You haven't messed up the team in any way though." Alex says, and she sounds sincere. "It'll take some adjustment for sure but I think everyone can handle it. " 

"Hopefully." She responds, because she just doesn't want any issues with the team. They were riding a high, one she hopes continues into July and August. 

“And I want to be completely honest, Tobin told me what happened after we got done with the victory tour. And I’m sorry that you guys broke up and I know that this is super hard for the both of you. And I won't pretend to act like I know what you’re going through, because I don’t and I –“ Alex cuts herself off and Christen might have found Alex’s rambling funny in any other situation.

But again – _has she emphasized it already?_ – they have never been close. They talk very surface level about their lives if it’s ever just the two of them, so Alex is probably trying to navigate this sudden opportunity for change just like she is.

And it’s not exactly hard – just different.

Alex huffs and takes a breath, adjusting slightly to roll onto her side. “All I’m trying to say is, I’m here if you need anything.”

“Thank you.” She says quietly, careful not to disrupt the calmness that has taken to the air.

Alex just hums in lieu of a response.

“Also Alex," She starts and the other woman meets her eye easily. "I wanted to say thanks for switching seats and everything.” She never really got the chance to say so before and now it would seem that they were going to be bus buddies for the foreseeable future.

“Honestly, it’s really fine,” Alex doesn’t look too deterred by the change and for that Christen is thankful. “I know that with what happened before you probably thought I would freak out. I am really sorry about that by the way.”

Christen kind of did think the other woman would protest a bit more, she wasn't going to lie. But from what Tobin had told her Alex had said fine and not asked too many questions. 

“Alex that was like seven years ago.” She tries to appease. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“I was a bitch.” Alex deadpans.

And thinking back to the harsh words Alex had muttered to her when she accidentally sat in her seat before her first ever senior national team practice and the unapologetic look on the star forward's face as she barely moved out of the way in the aisle when Christen got up to sit elsewhere - yeah it was a bit jarring to say the least. 

She makes a pained face just thinking about it before admitting, “Yeah, you kind of were.”

Alex laughs and Christen can’t help but join in. Luckily, the past would be staying where it should.

“I promise I won’t get mad at you for anything regarding our bus seats again.” Alex leans over extending her pinky out and Christen can’t help but feel it's an olive branch. She reaches out and locks it with her own and something shifts into place easily between them.

Alex sits back slowly with a smile. “So what have you been up to since Orlando? Kel said you’re trying to learn how to surf.”

Christen just rolls her eyes in good spirits then delves into what’s she’s been doing since the last time they saw each other, leaving out the parts about her break downs and self-reflection of course. This was supposed to be a _light_ conversation.

She asks Alex what she’s been doing while on recovery mode since her ankle injury before the victory tour games. The younger woman fills her in on the ins and outs of life in Florida, lots of tipsy Taco Tuesdays at Ali and Ash’s it seems, and Disney World trips with the growing Dwyer family.

Then the conversation takes a turn towards the upcoming tournament and Christen realizes that for both of them this feels like a redemption arc. She wasn't the only one who missed a penalty that game against Sweden and it seems like the memory has been following Alex just as long as it has been following her.

It's comforting in a way, not because someone was struggling just as she was - no. But because Alex understands and even though the woman already has a gold medal, failure and expectations are something the other forward deals with in a way that Christen can't even really comprehend. 

The woman is the face of their team, something she now shares with Megan after the World Cup. But the weight of it all, the expectations, the self-doubt, the need for perfection and having to be okay with not getting it, seems like something Alex shoulders just as she does. So it's comforting. It's comforting because she knows Alex gets it.

They move to lighter topics again, switching easily to how Alex babysat Roux and Cassius with Servando, in what Sydney called "baby practice while mama sleeps far far away". 

Alex has just finished telling her how close it was to a disaster if the two of them weren't so darn adorable when she says, “I’m thinking about moving to LA.”

She looks at Alex quizzically. “You mean like permanently?” 

Because Christen knows even though Servando is on the Galaxy right now it seems that their home is still in Orlando. And with Alex still in contract with the Pride it was probably hard for both of them to make the cross-country flight multiple times a week.

Alex nods. “Yeah, I’m thinking of just staying in Orlando during the season then relocating to LA during the off season. My contract ends after this season so, I’m hoping to be at least closer.”

“That makes sense.” Christen agrees. She knows what it’s like to live away from your home during the season but Portland and Salt Lake weren’t thousands of miles apart. And now, the same could be said for LA and Salt Lake.

“You’ll have to show me around though.” Alex adds. “Kelley talks about going to LA so much it makes it seem like I’m missing out.”

Christen just shakes her head because Kelley probably makes it seem like she’s having the best time of her life when really she’s wiping Christen's tears. She really loves her best friend.

“Kelley is mostly showing me around.” She jokes. “But if you’re looking for some good coffee and art galleries I know some places.”

“Yes, that’s honestly all I need.” Alex groans, wiping her hand across her face. “And the beach.”

Christen asks her then when she’s planning on moving and if she’s going to just move into wherever Servando is staying or if they are going to get a house somewhere.

With the way she responds it makes it seem like Alex is leaning more toward buying a house, so the conversation moves into real estate and the astronomical prices of the greater Los Angeles area.

After a while, Christen thinks that maybe Alex moving is for another reason other than being closer to her husband though. The way she mentions him is almost like he’s an afterthought and it makes her wonder what it’s like to be in a marriage when you’re constantly apart. She knows what it’s like for a relationship and she wonders if it’s any different. She internally grimaces… _probably worse_.

It’s definitely a question for another time. Their conversation is light and comfortable again, heaviness being something neither of them needed it seemed.

But Christen wonders why Servando wasn’t mentioned in the idea to show her around. Plus Christen may have grown up in LA but Alex knows probably 3x as many people as she does in the city, Diamond Bar being only about an hour east depending on the traffic. Taylor Swift made it a mission to call Alex every once in a while, and every Victoria Secret model in LA knows Alex. At least that’s what it seemed like from her Instagram. 

What she means is that there was no shortage of people who could show her around. But Christen won’t question her, she was enjoying their conversation so far and it was probably the longest they had ever had just the two of them.

It was like there was a silent understanding between them that wasn’t just about soccer. Something had changed in the last hour and she welcomed it. So many things in her life the last few months had been turned upside down. It was nice to be surprised with something other than heartache once and a while.

And friendship was a surprise she would take a million times over.

*/||\\*

On the fourth day of training Christen is finally starting to feel like things are a little less disjointed.

It had been a bit of a mess of practices so far, the two-month break was much needed but there was a lot to adjust to. New year, new coach, new responsibilities. Everyone was just trying to find their footing again.

Luckily, the team energy today is high but there’s an underlying current that buzzes between some of her teammates. Mal and Rose have been throwing odd looks at Lindsey and Emily most of practice and Christen’s observant enough to notice the ones they are throwing at her and Tobin as well.

It unsettles her slightly because she thought they had handled it.

Everyone on the team either heard from her or Tobin over the last few days. They got the ball rolling early on because at dinner the first day after she walked into the ballroom with Alex, Sam had sent her an almost sorrowful and pained look. She noticed the midfielder was sitting next to Tobin and no doubt was trying to show Christen she wasn't taking any side in the matter. There wasn't any side to be taken, obviously, but the look the midfielder had thrown at her had stuck with her most of the meal and caused her to send a quick text to Tobin. It was time for some damage control.

They had been busy over the last few days, and now the team knew the situation. They were aware that right now they aren’t getting back together and the most important thing for both of them was focusing on football.

But Christen also knows that the younger ones, the ones who never have known the team without them being together, are having a slightly more difficult time adjusting. 

It was an interesting thing to experience for Christen. To see just how integral a relationship was to not only herself but to the environment where said relationship began, grew, and blossomed. Now though, it was over and the environment was changing. Some parts easily navigating the patch of her and Tobin's now wilted relationship, while others it seemed were trying to push for regrowth. 

She’s unsure what’s really going on between the younger group of girls, and she knows that practice is not the time to hash whatever it is out. It’ll come up soon enough, she’s sure of it.

Tobin sends her a look though when Emily sends Mal to the ground during 1v1 drills for what seems like the third time in a row and the forward gets up so fast and turns toward Sonnet like it might be her last breath. 

“Mal.” She calls out before something spirals out of control. The younger forward turns towards her and the tension dies down. Yeah they’d need to talk about it soon.

After a couple more spells Vlatko calls for a water break and then gathers them around as they sip from the offered bottles. 

“Okay so we will do 7v7 drills next ladies and rotate everyone through. Then we will get into a 10v10 scrimmage okay?” 

One of the assistant coaches starts handing out jerseys and then they’re off. Her team is connecting well, but they can’t seem to finish at the top with Becky and Kelley running the back line for the other team.

But things start to change when Alex rotates in. 

It’s only her second practice back for contact play since the ankle sprain. Alex told Christen she had been training harder than ever to get back into the swing of things and qualifiers are her first real opportunity to get back on the pitch since the World Cup. 

Her and Alex were seldom on the same team during practice and when they were it was usually in a larger scrimmage where they could form three at the top. But during smaller scrimmages like this her and Alex both can make due at the top in a 2-2-2. She’s not sure why, but they work. 

Well she knows why, as forwards they have to read the game every single second or there’s no use for them. But now, with only two attacking players they have to read each other. And it works. Suddenly they have scored 3 goals and Kelley and Becky are now just man marking them, but even that doesn’t work as the two start rotating, reading the other’s runs, as Crystal and Abby start sending balls up their way. 

Christen never really understood why Jill never paired them up top together, even during practices. 

So, when Vlatko sets the teams for the 10v10 and puts her and Alex up top it’s new. But does it freaking work. They’re the first team to get to 11 goals and the others grumble as they have to break down all the equipment after five sets of wind sprints at the end of practice. 

She’s tired as ever following but it was fun. Really fun and it’s nice to have another option for the team. Versatility was something that might work in their favor come Tokyo. 

Once she’s back in her room she’s about to text Alyssa to ask if the keeper wanted to go for a walk when there’s a low rumble outside her door. The sound picks up an octave and she looks over at Alex who is digging through her duffle by the window.

The forward makes an annoyed sound when the volume continues to grow and she moves towards the door. She’s out of sight and opening the door before Christen can make out anything that is being said.

“What the fuck?” Alex says and Christen is swinging her legs off the bed to see what's caused the outburst.

The mumbling heard outside their door is now a loud jumble of words she is still having difficulty making out. She hears what sounds like Mal and Lindsey and then possibly Sonnet? Christen doesn’t know for sure as she moves to the door. When she peers around Alex what she sees isn’t at all what she’s expecting.

Mallory and Lindsey are standing maybe a foot apart trying to speak over each other with Emily trying to get in between them and Rose standing just at Mal’s back. Alex is standing there looking unamused and the calculated look on her face tells Christen that she’s trying to figure out who she should go for if this escalates.

It takes a second for Christen’s brain to catch up with her eyes but then she’s moving around Alex and pulling at Mal’s arm hard enough to move the girl back a couple of steps so she can stand in front of her.

“What is going on?” She raises her voice and the talking ceases almost immediately. There's a slight bite of anger at the end of her question and she knows they all heard it too. 

There’s a beat of silence as she looks between Mallory and Lindsey before Mal speaks up.

“Ask them.”

Christen turns to look at Emily and Lindsey. Lindsey just looks away as she tries to catch her eye and Emily holds her hands up in surrender then nods in Mallory’s direction.

“She’s the one acting like a freaking crazy person.”

Mal scoffs and Christen knows she’s about to start up again. “Whatever you’re about to say –“ She cuts in, “Don’t.”

She levels her with a look, the same one she perfected back in high school when Channing was about to give her up to their parents. It works because Mal closes her mouth and just stares at Lindsey, quietly fuming. Rose also looks a little more on edge than usual and Christen knows that whatever is going on needs to be squashed, like yesterday.

Alex moves from where she’s been silently leaning against the door jam towards Lindsey, who’s still caught in a heated stare down with Mal. Christen watches as Alex says something to the younger girl, too low for Christen to hear but it causes Lindsey to deflate slightly and turn towards Alex with a look of mild regret. Then she directs another regretful look at Christen when they lock eyes before turning around and walking back down the hall.

Emily is staring after her not moving before Alex turns to her. The young defender holds her arms up again, mutters a quick sorry, before she follows after Lindsey.

“You two go in there.” Christen points to her own open door and Mallory and Rose both make there way inside without protest.

She closes her eyes and rubs at her temples slowly trying to figure out the best course of action. She needs to text Tobin for one and she needs to get Mallory and Rose to calm down enough to admit to whatever is going on and find some willingness to fix it. 

“You got it?”

She opens her eyes. She didn't notice Alex was still in the hallway. The look on her face isn't one of pity, and Christen's at least thankful for that. 

"Yeah, I think so." 

Alex just nods and moves to the door, holding it open for her as they both walk in. Mallory and Rose are sitting on the edge of her bed and Alex silently moves to collect her phone and wallet and then she's out the door, leaving the three of them alone. 

She's wonders how she should approach this as she finds her phone to send off a quick text to Tobin giving her a heads up. Hopefully, she reads it before seeing Lindsey or Sonnet. She drops the device back onto the night stand then turns towards the other girls. Maybe she'll do the whole silent approach. One of them was bound to crack. 

Mind made up Christen puts her hands on her hips and waits, standing patiently in the little bit of space between the beds. A minute passes and neither Rose nor Mal will meet her eye or speak up. She could wait all day but decides to cut them a break.

“Who wants to go first?”

Rose looks at Mallory and the other girl sighs before sitting up straight. 

"Kelley kicked us out of the room so she could FaceTime with her girlfriend so Rose and I were coming to see if you wanted to hang out for a little bit." Mallory starts. "And I guess Lindsey and Sonnet were coming to see Alex." 

"We all kind of just stood there when we got to the door." Rose picks up. "We haven't exactly talked to them in like a month." 

That piques Christen's interest because it was obvious that after the last few practices and dinners, there was something definitely going on between the four girls. 

"What do you mean?" She questions. 

"Well after our last regular season game against the Thorns, we stayed in Portland for like a week. And when Tobin came back she wouldn't talk to any of us, she was just holed up in her apartment. We didn't know at the time you guys had broken up, so it was just weird. And so that's why I called you, remember?" Christen did remember and she had just told Mal to let Tobin be. 

"And then the week after I came to LA to visit you, we were all on FaceTime and Lindsey brought you guys up. She said that Tobin was really having a hard time and obviously you were fine since I had just told everyone how much fun we had in LA. It kind of blew up after that I guess. We haven't really talked since." Mallory finishes and Christen nods to herself. 

She knows what it's like to have a blind sense of loyalty to your friends. Mal sees Christen like an older sister and Lindsey views Tobin the same. So she's not surprised there was disagreement between the two and it seems like Rose and Emily were caught in the crossfire. 

"Sonnet said 'nice grass stains Mal' when nobody was saying anything outside the door." Rose adds and the girl indicates down to where there's a small bruise forming on Mallory's shin and what looks like a tint of green. It's something Emily would no doubt say trying to defuse whatever tension was between the four of them and any other time it probably would have worked. But it seemed to have backfired today. 

"Then Mal was like, 'if you slide tackle me like that again you'll wish you never did'." Rose pulls a face trying to imitate the one Mallory obviously made and it pulls a slight smile onto her friend's face. "Then Sonnet was like 'slow down crazy, it was a joke'." 

"And I told her I didn't have time for that and I was just here to hang out with you." Mal says.

"And then Lindsey said that you were going on a walk with Alyssa since they're roommates, and I told her that I knew where you were." 

"Which you really didn't though," Rose adds. 

"Whatever," Mal says. "Anyways, then Lindsey said that I must not know that much just like I didn't know anything about you and Tobin." 

"After that I don't really know what I said." 

"She said that Lindsey was stupid and Emily could shove it." Rose pipes up and Mallory just glares at her. 

"What?" Rose shrugs. "I was just clarifying for Christen." 

Christen pinches the bridge of her nose because honestly it could have been worse. But obviously the talk she had with both girls hadn't been enough to fix whatever had happened on their FaceTime call in December. Mallory and Lindsey were both standing firm and now is the time for her to put everything into to perspective for the two in front of her. She'd talk to Lindsey and Emily later. 

“Okay, thank you guys for telling me.” She says, sitting down on Alex's bed. "And I want to start by saying that I'm sorry." 

That takes both of the younger women by surprise. "What are you sorry about? Shouldn't we be saying that?" Rose asks. 

Christen smiles slightly and nods. "We'll get to that but I'm sorry because I never wanted you guys to fight these battles for me. And I never wanted you guys to risk one of your friendships because you believe it means you're on my side. Because guys, there aren't any sides here okay?" 

They both nod slowly, indicating what Christen hopes means they're following. 

"I'm not upset with Tobin, or Lindsey, or Emily okay? So you guys shouldn't be either." 

“But Tobin hurt you!” Mal says and Rose nods in agreement.

Christen eyes soften. “I hurt her too guys.”

Rose deflates slightly at that and bites her lip in thought. Mallory is still looking unconvinced though.

Christen just wants them to recognize that the friendship between the four of them was the most important thing right now. Not who was right and who was wrong, not who hurt who more than the other. 

“Listen, I'm thankful for both of you being there to defend me. But there is no need.” Christen states, making sure to wait until both of them looked at her. “You can’t work out what’s going on between Tobin and I, that’s something only we can do. And there’s no use concerning yourself with it and not talking to Lindsey and Emily because of it.”

“I’m sorry.” Rose says then looks at Mal. The younger girl just crosses her arms and Rose pushes her slightly. The girl was so stubborn. 

“What?” Mal just looks at Rose then turns back to Christen. “I didn’t like how Lindsey was making it seem like it was all your fault because she only knows what Tobin’s told them.”

“And you only know my side Mal.” She counters and Mallory finally starts to lose some of the hardness in her posture. 

"It was just hard seeing you like that," Mal says and Christen knows she's talking about when she came to visit. "You were trying to act so happy and have fun with everyone but you just seemed so sad. I didn't like it and I guess I blamed Tobin for it." 

"Mal told me what happened after we got off the FaceTime with Linds and Emily. That's why I called you." Rose says and Christen remembers the pleasant surprise she got after coming back from a run and seeing Rose's name on her screen. The girl had talked her ear off about Wilma and FaceTimed her so she could see her. It was sweet and now she knows why. 

"Thank you both, for being there for me. I love you guys so much for it." She states. "But that doesn't change the fact that you need to understand the other side of this. Lindsey and Sonnet are going through the same thing, but it's from Tobin's perspective and not mine. And you're missing out on a friendship for something that Tobin and I have already resolved." 

Mallory bends her head, her hair falling into her face slightly but not enough to hide the tears starting to fall from her eyes. Christen gets up then and sits between the two girls her arms moving around two sets of slim shoulders. 

“I thought you guys were forever.” Mallory says quietly. And Christen's heart aches at the sadness in her tone. 

“I did too.” She closes her eyes tightly before taking a deep breath. “But things change and that’s okay.”

“I’m sorry.” She hears Mallory utter into her shoulder after a minute of silence. 

“It’s okay, but you both need to apologize to Linds and Emily.” After a beat she adds. “Tobin too.”

After getting the two of them cleaned up and encircling them in a strong hug, Christen sends Mal and Rose on their way. She knows they'll be okay, especially from the text confirmation she got from Tobin indicating she was having the same talk with Lindsey and Emily. 

An hour or so later, after she's gotten back from a walk outside with Alyssa and Ali, where she was also stopped by Lindsey and Emily for a sincere and hilarious apology respectively, Christen hears the automated sound of the door opening and Alex walks in looking around briefly noting Christen's alone.

“Rough talk?” Alex asks as she drops her stuff onto the desk then hands Christen a warm disposable cup.

She can smell the Chai tea and she smiles at the other woman.

“Thank you.” Christen hadn’t asked for anything, but she realizes that it was something she needed. Something warm to soothe her heart. She hated hurting other people and even though she is just getting into her own healing process...she can't rush others. But, luckily, it seems like everyone is moving in the positive direction. 

"It was rough, but necessary. I think they'll be okay though. And I talked to Lindsey and Emily too so that was nice." She says, then remembers something. "What did you say to Lindsey anyway, in the hallway?" 

"That whatever it was that was going on was hurting both you and Tobin and she didn't want to do that." Alex shrugs and sits at the edge of her bed. "Then I told her to go take a walk." 

Christen nods in understanding then moves to take a sip of her tea. 

Alex reaches a hand towards Christen quickly. “Wait!”

She stops, hand raised halfway, and looks at Alex in alarm.

“Two sugars and almond milk right?” Alex questions, hand covering the top of her cup.

It’s been an odd couple of days for Christen. She’s been in a constant state of reacting to everything thrown at her while trying to calm down the turbulent waters that came with her teammates trying to adapt to her and Tobin’s relationship sinking. A lot has surprised her so far, one of the main ones being Alex.

Her down time over the last few days has mostly been spent with Julie and Crystal or with Kelley and thereby Alex. Ash, Ali and Alyssa drop in at different times and she's also been planning a meditation hour with Pinoe to honor the one year anniversary of her Mom's passing tomorrow. But most hours are spent shopping with Julie and Crys or walking the streets of Houston with Kelley and Alex. 

She was seeing a whole lot of Alex Morgan this camp and it surprised Christen just how much she enjoyed the woman’s presence. Well, it didn’t really surprise her, Alex is a great person, but it gave Christen time to reflect.

And Christen had come to find out the woman is fiercely protective, strangely meticulous about the bathroom and room set up, and could talk her ear off about a subject Christen really knew nothing about to be able to contribute to the conversation in any way. And with what she's learned over the last couple of days, she's now able to read the other forward a tad bit better. 

So she knows that despite the air of nonchalance Alex is putting out, she really does care if she got Christen’s order right. Like she said – it’s been an interesting couple of days, and the changing dynamic between the two of them was something she wasn’t expecting at all. But she’s honestly glad it's happened.

“It’s actually three sugars,” she says, trying to keep her voice from giving away the fact that she’s joking.

It works because Alex narrows her eyes down at the cup like it’s betrayed her.

“I could have sworn – “

“Alex, I’m joking.” She smiles, because she feels pleased with herself, and then pulls the cup from under Alex’s hand to take a sip.

Alex just huffs then sits back on her bed and Christen can’t help but laugh.

“It’s not that funny.” Alex chides, but she’s smiling slightly and Christen takes that as a win.

“It’s a little funny,” She responds and takes another sip because it's just how she likes it. “I really appreciate it though.”

Alex waves off her thanks. 

"How are you feeling after practicing today?" Christen ventures.

“Really good, no issues really, my ankle feels strong." Alex answers then turns to look at her. "It was good getting back out there and us playing up top together was awesome. Knew it would be though." 

"I agree, you think Vlatko will try out the formation in a game?" 

"I think so. He's different from Jill, let's us run free, it's nice. And even though I doubt I'll be cleared to play in the tournament, I think by the April friendlies he'd be crazy not to just see how we'd do up top." 

It was a fair assessment Christen thought. Also, if Alex _is_ cleared to play in the qualifying tournament Christen's not sure if Vlatko will test a whole new formation with less than a weeks practice. But it was a good thought, one Christen knows is settling in both their minds after their dominant performance in practice. 

“Want to watch another episode of _Pump_?” Alex asks, picking the remote up from the night stand.

She’d never watched _Vanderpump Rules_ before and Alex had screamed bloody murder when Christen was brushing her teeth the night before causing her to rush out of the bathroom thinking the younger woman was in distress.

Alex at least looked apologetic when Christen realized she in fact wasn’t being attacked, just overcome with excitement about the first season of the show being free on the hotel's On Demand station. Christen sat through three episodes of the reality show and despite how much she wanted to say she hated it, it was pretty entertaining.

It would be a couple hours until dinner so she just settles back into her pillow. Some mindless TV would do her some good. “Turn it up Morgan.”

Tomorrow's a big day.

A day of remembrance and rebirth to honor her mother and she wanted to be in the right mindset for that. So taking some time today to just laugh and relax would be nice.

And with the tournament starting in a week, for now, she is content to just be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone's doing well out there during the quarantine! The 11,000 word chapter I hope made up for the wait. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	4. May 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wanna look back on where I've been,
> 
> And know that I made my own way."
> 
> \- Daley, _Those Who Wait_

_The beginning of May_

The months pass quickly for Christen, the days blending into each other as she navigates through prepping for the upcoming NWSL season, managing new drops for re-inc, and training for the Olympics.

Yeah, they are going to freaking Tokyo in two months!

There wasn’t any doubt in her mind that they wouldn’t win the CONCACAF tournament and the shiny golden ball sitting in her Dad’s trophy case in his office was a nice touch.

She had dominated those games, just like she told herself she would. But it wasn’t enough for her. And doing well in qualifiers didn’t guarantee she was going to see the same outcome in Tokyo.

Of course she was ecstatic with their results, she had taken many hours after the tournament to meditate and send prayers of thanks up to her Mom. Kelley had sat down with her, attempting to enjoy the quiet as she did and lasted about fifteen minutes before she started fidgeting and Christen sent her away. She applauded her friend's effort, nonetheless.

Speaking of mindful mediation, the meditation hour she held for her Mom was everything she could have hoped for. The whole team participated and when almost everyone was gone, Tobin, Kelley, Pinoe, Ash, Ali and Alyssa remained. They circled around her as she cried and slowly the rest of her friends left until it was only her and Tobin.

No words needed to be said, but Tobin held her like that day at the hospital. And she wasn’t there as her girlfriend, just as someone who knew how much the day meant to her.

Overall, it was a great two weeks of football for her. And a great two weeks of healing.

February yielded a time for Christen to continue to search and establish her ability to stand on her own. To exercise her mind in ways she only remembered doing her first time in Sweden. The re-inc events helped and left her feeling full after discussions with other people who, like her, were searching for themselves, a purpose – something more.

Still, it’s been trying to say the least. Trying to get to feeling like _just_ Christen.

Training filled up many mornings and on days she felt especially inspired she did two a days with Lee and Mikey, one of the LAFC trainers. But, mostly, she took the month to reevaluate what she enjoyed doing.

She hadn’t realized that the only thing she truly did alone was go on her runs. So most of February was spent in bookstores, in coffee shops, wandering through the exhibits at LACMA and The Broad, spending Sundays at the Melrose Trading Post, volunteering to teach Saturday soccer camps for the Slammers, seeing movies, and actually sitting down in a restaurant for a meal alone.

It re-established her passion for learning, for teaching, for getting out of her comfort zone.

It was freeing.

February molded into March and it was a month that solidified the national team’s move forward under Vlatko. The She Believes Cup was fun, the team coming together in a way she had yearned for starting the new year. And with them winning it, beating Spain, England, and Japan, she felt they started to move differently.

The team was moving not like they had something to prove or something to defend. But like they were called to a challenge, individually by their coach, and would rise up every game to meet it. They were personal challenges that set each of her teammates free. And coming out of a transformative February, it just energized Christen to continue going forward.

NWSL preseason had started the week of the She Believes Cup, so she locked up her house in LA, sending her plants next door where Paula promised to water and give them enough sun ( _she couldn’t trust them with her Dad_ ), and was back in Salt Lake training. She spent most days with Rachel, Kelley, and Lo and she also took time to explain to them that she needed to have some time alone.

She needed to do some things, no matter how minuscule, alone.

On days off, she'd venture alone to experience Utah's beauty in March. The air was different than in LA and she spent mornings at Liberty Park meditating.

April brought different challenges. The NWSL season officially started up, so she was traveling more. Living out of a suitcase was something she was used to, but she missed her Dad and sisters from time to time, missed the ability to walk down to the beach to just put her feet in the sand.

But she was also thankful for her life, her job, her ability to continue to pursue her passion.

The April friendlies against Norway and Australia were where Vlatko decided to try out the 4-4-2 formation, with her and Alex up top. They were the other forward’s first official games back, having to miss out on Olympic qualifiers and the She Believes Cup because of an MRI result that came back showing there was still a grade I sprain in one of the ligaments in her ankle. Alex had gotten the results the weekend before their first qualifier game. She had been crushed and was mandated to do strength and conditioning drills and could no longer practice with them for the remainder of the tournament. 

But at the end of March, after being cleared by both the team doctor and physical therapist, Alex was back on the field.

Their first friendly was against Australia, a team very familiar with them playing in a 4-3-3, but the new formation was like a smack in the mouth for the Matildas. She scored two goals, one assisted by Alex, while Alex scored one and Carli rounded it out with a goal of her own after subbing in for Alex. They win 4-0 and the game leaves her and Alex smiling so hard at each other and the team so pumped that the bus back to the hotel reminded her of the night after their World Cup game against France.

The Norway game was different. Both teams were unfamiliar with each other and the Norwegian back line kept up with them for the first twenty-five minutes. But once Tobin, now converted back to right midfielder, and Kelley start making interchanging runs down the line, the game started to open up.

They win 3-0.

Kelley assisting a header Alex redirects with ease, while Megan sends a screamer into the top left corner on a set piece outside the box and Sam puts the last one home following Christen's corner.

It was an eye-opening two games for them, and she enjoyed the freedom the new formation afforded.

She felt good and was perfectly okay with not scoring, even though she always wants to, fights for it. But when it doesn’t come, like in the game against Norway, happiness still filled her because the growth the team was making felt insurmountable. Next up was the Olympics and now it felt like another weapon had been added to their arsenal.

The last three months had been good to her and she wants to keep the good energy flowing.

It’s the first week of May and she feels like her feet are finally on solid ground after having been traveling for games the last two weeks.

She’s back in LA, the Royals having a bye this week, so she’s made her way home for another Re-set the Table event that's happening in an hour. It'll be just her and Pinoe though, Tobin and Kling having a game today in Portland. 

Even though their core four of re-inc is down to two, Sue has been there to help and coordinate a small launch party later in the day to celebrate their new capsule dropping next week. Kelley, of course, would be joining in for the party festivities, claiming that Christen was the one with the Stanford degree that would actually be useful if asked to contribute something insightful to the luncheon.

It honestly made little sense, Kelley had come out of college with an Environmental Engineering degree, but Christen didn't protest because she knew, despite Kelley's bravado, her friend hated public speaking. Even if it was just in front of thirty people. 

She’s excited for the luncheon all the same, the theme for the day being "re-imagine your career: stories of underrepresented people in the workspace". They had invited people from a multitude of fields, STEM, the arts, politics, sports. It would be one of their bigger luncheons to date.

There’s a flurry of movement around her as the staff at the enclosed rooftop restaurant finish setting up, placing chairs along the large square of tables she requested so they could still have a conversation and see each other without craning their necks.

She grabs the seating cards and question prompts, moving to place them on each plate.

There are a couple of familiar faces who will be coming again like Chika and Sophia Bush, the musician and actress providing some representation for the arts. There are also a couple of her childhood friends, who stayed in the area and are now in medicine and tech. Most of the names though, Christen’s only ever heard of, and she praises Pinoe and Sue’s connections.

Her fingers are smoothing out a small crease in the last card when Jess, re-inc CXO, and Pinoe walk in.

“Oh this looks fab.” Megan praises as she takes in the space. “How you two manage to find these places still amazes me.”

Jess waves Pinoe’s compliment off and squeezes Christen’s arm in passing before looking down at the seating cards, searching for her own name.

Peacefulness washes over her as Christen watches the final touches be placed on the table, small pots of iris and magnolias, signifying the middle of spring. She’s prepped for an afternoon of learning, of listening, of enjoying the company of people who hope for more.

“You ready?” Megan asks, getting close enough to bump shoulders with her. “Sue’s downstairs with a couple of people, stalling of course, until big boss tells her it’s a go.”

Pinoe points at her.

“You’re big boss, by the way.”

Christen chuckles and nods. “You can tell her we’re good.”

She watches as Pinoe's fingers move quickly across her phone before she stows it back in her pocket then claps her hands once, rubbing them together.

“Now, where’s Mama sitting?”

*/||\\*

The luncheon is barely over, most of the guests just leaving with promises to return in a couple of hours for the party and the dessert still in pieces on most plates, when an unexpected video call from Tobin lights up her phone. 

She answers though, stepping away from the small group of restaurant staff Jess is assembling for break down.

“Hey,” Tobin says, and Christen can see the light wood behind her showing she’s still in the locker room at Providence Park. She must have just finished showering after the game, hair still wet and looking only mildly tired.

“How’d you guys do?”

“Draw.” Tobin answers tightly, looking unhappy for a second before delving into the highs and lows from her game against Chicago.

They’ve been doing this a lot lately – video chatting. Well, maybe not a _lot_ , just once every couple of weeks.

It’s not as confusing for Christen as she thought it would be. It feels like they're working their way back to being friends.

Sometimes it’s hard though, balancing the creative aspects of their business, which requires them to be in almost constant contact (over text), and then trying to fill in the gaps with video calls to mend the friendship that had splintered during their relationship.

Sometimes it’s _really_ hard.

She’s still attracted to Tobin, in ways that she can’t _not_ be with everything they have shared. But sometimes she’s left wondering if she’s just searching for the familiarity.

Christen then reminds herself of where they’re both at, still working through things to figure out where each of their paths will lead them. And here they are, operating without each other in a sense.

On her end, she feels it’s going pretty well.

“Anyway,” Tobin breaks, her voice turning composed. “How was the luncheon?”

Before she can answer, she feels an arm sling around her shoulders and Pinoe’s face moves to share the screen with her.

“Tobinho!” Megan greets. “You missed a good one girl.”

Christen lets Megan take the phone, knowing her friend will give a much more interesting retelling of the day’s events than she will. She moves to make herself useful, picking up some of the left over questions from the table.

The luncheon was beautiful and like every re-set event they’ve had she comes out feeling like she learned so much and needs to sit and process it all for a while. She won’t be able to tonight, with the launch party and all, but she’d have time tomorrow.

She’s staring out at the downtown LA skyline when Megan walks over to her a few minutes later, handing her the phone back.

“Did you enjoy the event?” Megan asks after a couple of seconds of comfortable silence.

“It was amazing P.” She says, looking out at the cars and people below before turning towards her friend. “I always feel like these could go on for hours.”

“They would if we let it.” Megan adds, pulling her into a tight hug. One she needs because she feels like they’ve come so far from when their brand was only just a dream.

Megan pulls back but doesn’t pull away, placing her hands on Christen’s shoulders so she can level her with a look. “How you doing?”

She knows the question is weighted, shadows of her short conversation with Tobin and how easily she left make themselves known behind Megan’s words. She knows Megan is no longer worried though, knowing they're both healing at their own paces and trying not to get involved.

But the question is still what it is, layered in it’s simplicity.

“I’m good,” She says. “Really good, actually.”

And she is, she’s gotten used to the different energy that permeates between her and Tobin whenever they talk.

Megan squeezes her shoulders and smiles.

“Well then let’s get ready to party.”

Three hours later, after running home to shower and change into clothes that would keep her a bit warmer, Christen’s back at the restaurant, party in full swing.

There are maybe double the people out on the rooftop and Christen moves through the crowd, murmuring greetings, engaging in light conversation, and stopping to admire the work her team put into the new collection. 

She’s amazed by the screens set up, small projectors on the floor casting a light that shows the final products of their shoot last week. The tall white stand up screen she's in front of now is showing a loop of her and Megan in some of the new merchandise. 

"Ms. Press," a voice breaks the air. "There you are." 

She turns and sees Sophia moving towards her, looking even more stylish than earlier at the luncheon. 

"Hey Sophia," she greets the actress with a hug. "Thank you for coming back." 

"Wouldn't miss it." 

Sophia moves to stand next to her, eyes taking in the moving picture. "This is amazing. You guys look so good, I love it." 

Christen smiles in thanks and tries not to get too embarrassed. "Did you enjoy the luncheon earlier?"

"Oh my god, seriously! Do you even need to ask?" Sophia exclaims, turning toward her with a look Christen knows is the same one she wears when she's about to talk about one of the events. "The different people, their stories, the atmosphere, all of it. Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough." 

Christen laughs, because goodness, she knows the feeling. "Trust me, you're doing more than enough." 

They talk for a while about their thoughts from the event, heads bent together because the volume in the space begins to reach peak levels and Sophia’s deep rasp almost makes her incapable of pitching her voice any louder.

A light hand at her back has Christen turning around and she’s surprised to see the woman standing in front of her.

“Oh my god, Alex what are you doing here?” She’s drawn into a quick hug and she pulls back to smile up at her friend.

“I came to look at a couple of houses.” Alex explains, and Christen nods, the LA move is still a go. “Kelley told me to come tonight.”

Alex then looks slightly over her shoulder, and Christen takes a quick step back so Sophia can step into the conversation.

“Hey, Superstar.” Sophia says in greeting, and steps in for a hug of her own.

Alex smiles good-naturedly at the nickname. “Sophia hi, how are you?”

“I’m great." Sophia points a thumb in her direction, "just telling our gracious host how amazing this all is.”

Christen tries not to blush but the actress is so sincere it causes heat to rise in her cheeks. Hopefully, the low lighting hides it.

“It is though Chris. Really awesome, I can’t wait for the new drop.” Alex agrees easily.

“It’s not all me.” She moves a piece of hair behind her ear, trying to tame her locks as the area begins to warm from the increase in body heat.

“Would you look at that? A CEO who’s not only heading a brand for the people, but she’s modest too.” Sophia says, squeezing her shoulder and Christen feels the blush move to warm her neck and chest. Goodness, she really needed to get better at taking compliments.

Alex laughs, “A true – “

“There you are Morgan.” Pinoe interrupts, grabbing onto Alex’s arm. “I’m sorry to pull her away girls but this is like, super important.”

Alex turns back towards them. “I’ll see you both later?”

Christen answers in earnest and then Megan is pulling Alex away, with something about a guy selling his place in the hills on her lips.

Sophia turns slightly, snagging two flutes of the cucumber martinis Megan put on the menu to honor the drop from a passing waiter. She hands one to Christen then she’s raising her glass in a toast.

“To more events that feed the soul, and my belly, that food today was delicious.” Christen can’t help but laugh, clinking her glass lightly and taking a small sip.

“Now tell me honestly," Sophia levels her with a look after taking a sip of her own. "What did you think about what Peter said about women in the architecture space?”

*/||\\*

Some time later she finds Kelley and Alex over by the bar having a conversation where Kelley is enthusiastically waving her hands around.

“Pressy, there you are.” Kelley calls out as she approaches. “I was just telling Alex that we should totally help her look for some places tomorrow.”

“Only if you’re not busy.” Alex adds quickly.

“She’s not,” Kelley says before she can. “She was just going to go get some more plants for her already overrun living room.”

Well, Kelley’s not lying, she was planning on heading to one of the nurseries to get some sword ferns. Going to some open houses with her friends would definitely be more exciting though.

“Kelley’s right, I’m not busy. I’d love to come.” She smiles and Alex gives her a relieved one in return.

“Have you looked anywhere yet?” She asks, because even though Sundays are open house days in Los Angeles, the city is huge. Too big to cover in just one day.

“No, I didn’t really have the time. I stayed in Seattle for a bit with Allie after our game Wednesday, then I thought I might as well take the weekend to come down here. Serv had a game today in Miami though and then he’s going to Dallas. But this is my only free weekend.”

“He doesn’t want to look with you?”

“No,” Alex shrugs. “He’ll be fine with whatever I pick to be honest.”

Kelley nudges her with an elbow and jerks her head at Alex. “She wears the pants in that relationship.”

Christen believes it, the power dynamic part, minus the gender conformity of it all.

Alex just rolls her eyes. “Shut up, O’Hara. I just want to find a place I like enough to actually give up the house in Orlando.”

Christen nods. She understood the attachment you get after buying your first house. She feels the same way about her place even though it held a lot of memories. She's hard on not selling it even though she has more than enough space.

“Look, you’ll have both me and Pressy. And you haven’t seen her place yet but it’s like out some interior design magazine.” Kelley says.

She did put a lot of effort into making her house her own. It has character...she loves it.

“Okay, so Christen is contributing an eye for design,” Alex points out then looks at Kelley with a smirk. “What exactly are you bringing?”

“Who else is going to eat all the cute little finger foods the realtors leave out?” Kelley points at herself. “It’s a win-win for you.”

“I think that’s a win for you Kel.”

“No, a win for both of us.”

The two go back and forth like that for a while and Christen feels a light smile take over her face as she watches them lightheartedly argue. She stops a waiter coming by disposing her half finished margarita on the tray. She still has to drive back to Hermosa and Kelley’s showing no signs of slowing down.

When she looks up she sees Sophia talking to Marie, one of Christen’s high school friends who’s a software engineer. The actress catches her eye and gives her a small wave, Christen waves back.

When she turns back towards her teammates, Kelley’s smile is so big it looks almost comical on her face and Alex just raises her eyebrows at Christen. She squirms under their collective gaze.

“What?” She questions, looking between the two of them.

Alex speaks first.

“Nothing, you guys just seem close.”

“Oh, we are.” Christen clarifies. “She’s come to every Re-set the Table since we started and she’s always been super supportive of the company.”

“Plus, she’s super hot.”

“Alex!” She exclaims, eyes wide.

“Agreed,” Kelley adds, chuckling then lifting her glass to Alex in silent salute.

Christen just shakes her head at the two of them.

“What?” Alex says, with a laugh. “I’m just saying.”

“Yeah Pressy, it’s obvious she’s into you.”

Christen ignores Kelley and takes a quick look around. Sophia and Marie are no longer standing where she saw them and she’s not able to find the smaller brunette in the crowd.

It wasn’t an accurate observation at all anyways.

“There isn’t anything going on. We’re friends.” She says, turning back and leveling a look at each of them.

“Riiiiight.” Kelley exaggerates and Alex just raises her hands in surrender.

“All I’m saying is, that if it was me Brooke Davis was into, I’d be all over that.”

“Also if you weren’t married.” Christen points out.

Alex just chuckles, eyes alight in amusement. “That too.”

She’s not sure if Alex is joking or not. She’s never asked the other woman if she’s into women or has ever been with one. It’s possible, now that Christen thinks about it.

That wasn’t the point though, Alex is married, and it’s not really her business anyway.

“Think about it Chris.” Kelley says, giving her a smile she’s become all too familiar with.

It's a statement Kelley had been saying to her a lot over the past month. Trying to see if Christen was willing to _try_ to at least date. It had been five years since Kelley had seen her show interest in anyone other than Tobin and the defender was constantly showing her instagram profiles of people who were asking if Christen was single after Kelley would post her in a story.

And Christen _does_ think about it.

Yes, Sophia is beautiful and intelligent and compassionate. And they do have a lot of things in common. And _ugh_ – Christen inwardly groans. This is stupid because even if the actress is interested in her, she doesn’t even know if she’s _ready_ to date again.

And she knows that Kelley just wants to help, wants her to see that she has options and maybe Alex agrees.

But there isn’t a time frame on break ups, right?

No set clock that counts down indicating when she’ll start dating again. When she’ll be ready. It’s been seven months and she’s just starting to feel like someone she can be proud of, but she still feels she has more room to grow. A little bit more to put into herself so she can be a better partner.

Plus, she’s liked being on her own. Putting a 110% into her own development and not someone else's for a change.

Her football has been better, her friendships have gotten stronger, and her mind feels calmer each day. It’s what she wanted after her break up. Maybe she’d date someday, and she’d be lucky to go out with someone like Sophia…but that day is not today.

“Okay, I’ve thought about it.” She breaks, and maybe a minute or so has passed. A new record for her internal monologues.

See...growth. 

Kelley and Alex are both looking at her, one with a hint of expectation and the other with interest.

“I’m still not ready to date again yet guys.” She says plainly.

Kelley frowns. “But – “

“Leave it alone Kel.” Alex interjects and Christen is thankful for it, not wanting to explain to a tipsy Kelley what she wants right now.

“You brought it up.” Kelley mumbles to Alex and that causes Christen to laugh, snapping the serious tone their conversation had taken in a second.

The rest of the night is spent trying to convince Kelley she doesn’t need to proposition Sue in a one-on-one basketball game and planning for their full day of house hunting in the morning.

Once the party is over and Christen’s just on the cusp of falling asleep, Kelley comes into her room, jumping head first into the open spot on the bed next to her.

She barely opens her eyes. “Did you need something?”

“So listen Chris,” Kelley starts and Christen moves to turn her lamp on, the moonlight from her window not enough to help wipe the fog of sleep from her mind.

“Lee and Jordan texted me to ask if I wanted to hit the beach with them tomorrow, and I was thinking that I’ll surf in the morning then hang with them, okay?”

“Instead of helping Alex look for a house?”

Christen’s confused. It was literally less than three hours ago that Kelley made the suggestion.

“You know you two are going to have way more fun doing that than I will.” Kelley whines. “I’ll just be hoping each place has a pool.”

Honestly, it still surprises Christen that her best friend is older than her. Christen rubs at her eyes before putting her glasses on.

“Did you tell Alex?”

“Yeah she told me it’s fine with her if it’s fine with you.” Kelley pops up on her knees, hands clasped together like a prayer. “Please, please please.”

She pushes Kelley slightly, causing her to fall over and almost off the other side of the bed. “It’s fine weirdo, I’ll text Alex to confirm.”

Christen grabs her phone to send a quick text to Alex to let her know she’s all good to be the main tour guide for her house hunt and Kelley scrambles off the bed with a quick thank you and goodnight.

“You better meet us for dinner.” She says, just as Kelley’s out her door.

“Yes, Princess.”

“That means don’t get wasted at the beach Kelley!” She shouts.

“I make no promises.” Kelley calls back and then Christen hears the door shut to the guest room.

Her phone buzzes in her hand a second later.

**Alex (11:19 pm):** _Okay great (: ! Thank you._

There’s still three little dots moving, showing Alex is typing more.

**Alex (11:20 pm):** _Should’ve known Kelley would_

_bail for surfing and drinking on the beach lol._

**Christen (11:21 pm):** _Haha, typical. Any ideas though?_

She’s hoping Alex at least has narrowed down a couple of areas of LA she’s thinking about. Traversing from the valley, to downtown, to the beach in one day wouldn't be the smartest usage of their time.

**Alex (11:21 pm):** _No clue but I’ll look now._

She pushes her glasses up then moves to grab her computer. She might as well help and see what kind of listings are out there.

Her and Alex text back and forth for the next hour as they browse different real estate websites. She gets Alex’s basic criteria locked down: at least four bedrooms, four bathrooms, a garage large enough to turn into a gym, enough space so her dogs can roam, and close to the beach.

When she asks what the budget is and Alex texts back under five million, she makes sure she’s reading it right before adjusting the filters on the website. She knows Alex has money - obviously, she’s most likely the highest paid person in the NWSL and on the national team. But goodness, five million is enough to open up the possibility for a lot of neighborhoods in LA.

Granted five million in Orlando could get her probably quadruple the space but she wants to be in LA, and five million is still pretty comfortable.

Once they each have a list of about seven to eight listings, her eyes start to droop again. It’s pushing one in the morning, way past her normal bed time, and if they are going to see all the houses, they’ll have to start right when the earliest showing is. Which is in less than eight hours.

**Christen (12:40 am):** _I think I have a good list!_

_I’m going to head to bed. I need a full nights sleep._

She moves to place her laptop back on her desk, then turns the lamp off. Her phone lights up a couple of times and she grabs for it, laying back down.

**Alex (12:40am):** _Damn my bad…keeping you up and all._

**Alex (12:42am):** _Thanks so much though Chris,_

_see you in a couple hours._

**Alex (12:42am):** _Sweet dreams._

 **Christen (12:43am):** _Night Alex, see you soon._

She stares at the screen for a moment then sets a quick alarm before setting her phone on the charger and burrowing under the warmth of her blankets.

Sleep overtakes her easily, the day’s events catching up to her, and she dreams of smooth concrete countertops and subway tile backsplash.

*/||\\*

Christen meets Alex bright and early at the first house. The blue-eyed forward is waiting outside, looking up at the large two story situated on one of the more quiet streets in Brentwood. Even though the neighborhood isn’t right on the beach it’s only a short drive to Santa Monica, has good schools in the area, and has homes similar to the one Alex currently lives in, maybe not in style but in size.

Christen gets out and meets Alex on the sidewalk.

“Hey,” She greets. “You ready to get started?”

Alex pushes the sunglasses up onto her head. “I think so, this place looks nice. Homey.”

They start up the sidewalk and Christen takes in the front yard and the cylindrical pillars lining the front door.

“Yeah, I thought we could start more east then move out towards the beach and hit all the houses as we move down the coast.”

“Sounds good. We're the first ones here. The realtor is setting up, so we have the place to ourselves.” Alex pushes the door open and they step into the foyer.

The house is quaint and traditional. The foyer breaks off into a nice sitting room to her left and a formal dinning room to her right. There’s a large wooden staircase in front of her and a hallway that leads to the rest of the house.

“I don’t really like that the staircase is the first thing you see.” Alex comments but still moves to check out the sitting room.

Christen takes the dining room. The chairs are cute and look antique, she’d have to ask the realtor who did the staging. Alex meets her back in the hallway and they move to the back of the house where an older woman is setting up a plate of pastries in the kitchen.

“Good morning ladies, feel free to get a quick breakfast and keep looking around.”

She places a stack of papers on the kitchen island before handing them each one.

“This is a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom home and there’s a guest house out back. Let me know if you two have any questions, I’ll just be setting a few more things up.”

“Thank you.” Alex says before looking around the kitchen slowly and then moving into the family room.

Christen scans the features listed on the paper and checks that the price was the same one that’s listed on the website.

It is, a cool 3.5 million.

It’s reasonable she thinks, for the neighborhood and the space.

Her and Alex move through the rest of the house rather quickly, and it’s nice but she can tell it isn’t really Alex’s style.

They leave after a short conversation with the realtor and are making their way to her car.

She suggested that she drive, since there was no use driving two cars, and she's a little more familiar with the different areas than Alex. So Alex had taken an Uber from Servando’s place in Los Feliz, how he’s making that commute down to StubHub for practices is beyond her, and now she'd drive the rest of the day.

“Tell me what you thought of the house?” She asks, turning onto San Vincente so they can make their way up to the next house she has on her list.

“It was okay but I think a little too traditional.”

Alex continues to list a couple of more things she didn’t like about the house. She adds a few things at the end that she did like: the farmhouse sink in the mudroom and the multiple fireplaces throughout the home.

The next house is more modern than the first but it’s off of Sunset Boulevard and Alex deems it too busy a street.

“I was thinking that we should do a pros and cons list after each house.” She suggests as they step back outside. “That way you can remember each house and can get a better idea of your initial thoughts once you show them to Servando.”

“Good thinking,” Alex unlocks her phone and Christen assumes she has the notes app open as she begins typing away.

Their headed to the Pacific Palisades next to hit one of the houses Alex found.

“Any pros and cons you want to add to the list Chris?”

Christen shakes her head slightly. “You’re the one moving in, not me.”

“I know, but I value your opinion.”

She can’t really argue with that, plus she’s there to be helpful, not just a chauffeur. She adds a couple of things she liked and disliked about the house as she navigates the early morning streets on the Westside.

It's after the fourth house that Christen realizes Alex is _particular_. She should have known of course. Having shared a room with the woman at qualifiers and seen first hand her telling the concierge about the specifics of the cleaning service and the air conditioning temperature settings.

But it’s on a whole new level as she moves through each house with her. Alex makes easy comments low enough for only Christen to hear, rooms are too small, the floor is too dark, the carpet is curling in the corner, the vanity isn’t high enough, the neighbors seem a little close, the grout is white in the bathrooms.

And Christen has to give it to the other woman, she knows what she wants, and if she’s going to shell out millions for a place it better have everything she asks for.

Maybe she should have suggested a real estate agent.

They stop at a couple more houses in the Palisades not on either of their lists but with open house signs out front. Most of them are busts, and one even looked like a male gigolo used to live there, all erotic art on the walls, multicolored furniture and even mirrors on the ceiling in the bedroom. It kind of gave her the creeps and Alex had laughed the whole way through after Christen had gasped at one of the art pieces in the entryway.

Santa Monica and Ocean Park end up being the same. Modern enough to get Alex interested but still missing some essentials upon further inspection. Their on the way to another home in Mar Vista now, a quieter family community east of Venice.

Christen knows it was a gamble, coming a little bit further away from the beach. But Alex would get more bang for her buck and more of the room she was needing.

The other woman seemed resistant at first when Christen had broached the idea when they stopped for coffee, but the first cute little family home they had viewed started to sway the woman slightly and the pros list for that one is the longest thus far.

Alex pulls up to the house, having taken over driving after Kelley had texted in a group chat with the three of them about how she “was surprised Princess P was still driving”.

It wasn’t like Christen _hated_ driving, it could be therapeutic sometimes, but she can’t help that sometimes she prefers riding as a passenger. So she didn’t resist when Alex put her hand out for the keys.

Once they’ve entered the gate to the home, she can see that the large front doors are wide open, giving the Tuscan Villa style house a little bit more of a welcoming feel, despite all the flying insects probably now inside.

“Ladies!” A woman with curly strawberry blonde hair and a wide smile greets them as they step over the threshold. She opens her arms as if she's going to engulf them both in a hug but instead turns, gesturing for them to follow. 

“Come in, come in. I’m Rita and this just might be the day you decide this is your new home!”

Alex widens her eyes at her when Rita turns and moves through the large foyer, pointing out the large winding staircase and the custom floor. Christen tries not to laugh, because there is no way she’s going to stop this woman for giving them the full performance.

Rita glides them through the house with ease and the precise arm movements and loads of information she’s dishing out have Christen engaged. Alex, on the other hand, has wandered off, probably sometime between the downstairs guest room and the lengthy explanation on the drapery in the living room. Alex had preferred throughout each house to explore on her own, but Rita is making Christen feel like she’s with Hilary Farr on _Love It Or List It_ , minus the accent.

“So are you two looking to have children or do you have some already?” Rita turns to her quickly as she’s walking up the stairs and Christen almost misses the next step. “Because the study can be turned into an adorable nursery.”

“Oh we aren’t – we’re just friends, I’m just helping her look for her and her husband.”

Christen wonders if it's all the rings on her fingers that has Rita making the assumption. But she doesn't have time to think more on it before they're at the top of the landing. 

“Well, I apologize, but my comment still stands.” Rita says, moving along the top floor in the relaxed way realtors do when they’re at a showing. “Let me show you it and hopefully she’ll catch up.”

Christen follows Rita towards the back of the house and into a study, topped with enough books it looks like it’s about to overflow.

The room is grandiose in it’s décor, with soft tan walls and dark red curtains that line the smaller window set on the back wall. There’s an ornate oak desk that takes up most of the room and a smaller decorative chair in the corner that looks expensive.

It all makes her believe the previous owner's an author.

Even so, the room doesn’t get enough light for it to be made into a bedroom, let alone a nursery. It looks like the study of someone who stays up late typing away on the computer.

She moves to examine some of the books along the large bookshelves.

“The homeowner is an editor.” Rita says.

She was close.

“If you get rid of everything,” Rita makes a sweeping motion around the room. “It’d be a great extra space.”

She’s still scanning some of the spines of the books when Alex steps into the room.

“Writer?”

“Editor.” Christen corrects.

“Damn.” Alex walks over and moves a hand across the top of the desk. “Lots of lonely nights in here I assume."

Christen glances back, noticing that her and Alex are alone. 

“Rita said this could be turned into a nursery.”

“Window’s too small.” Alex comments after taking a quick look around. “Not enough natural light for that.”

“I thought the same thing.”

Alex gives her an easy smile then tilts her head, contemplating something. “I think I’ve seen enough. On to the next?”

“Yep, you got a video?” She follows Alex out of the study.

Alex had been taking quick walk through videos of most of the houses she's at least kind of liked.

“Don’t need one.” Alex just taps her head with her finger, showing she’ll remember it. 

To Christen though it means another bust.

Maybe Venice will turn out better.

They pass Rita who’s in full performance mode talking to an older couple at the top of the stairs. She gives her a quick wave not wanting to interrupt. They're almost out the door when Rita’s voice echoes through the open foyer.

“Call me girls! Have a lovely day!”

Alex and Christen just look at each other as they cross the threshold and are out on the stone driveway.

“No fucking way.” Alex says and Christen can’t help the laugh that bubbles up her throat.

What a day.

Safely back in the car, Christen’s thinking of dark studies and nurseries as Alex follows the navigation towards the next house.

“Are you and Servando thinking about having kids anytime soon?”

She can't quite read Alex's expression and enough time goes by that Christen wonders if she should have asked at all. 

“He wants to, but right now I don’t want to pause my career.” Alex says, sounding like this is a conversation she's had recently. “I’m only 30 years old and I don’t want to feel pressured you know? Like I want to continue to enjoy all of this and then enjoy being a Mom when it happens.”

Christen gets it, had watched friends try and get back into form when their bodies for almost a year worked overtime to sustain another life. And she knows that Alex has watched first hand Sydney’s journey back and it definitely wasn’t easy.

“What about you?”

Christen laughs to herself because children are kind of the last thing on her mind. Plus, who is she supposed to have kids with? Not saying she couldn’t of course raise a child on her own, but she was nowhere near ready for that.

“I do want kids, just not right now. And I understand what you mean. Our careers are peaking, well I feel mine might be at least, and I want to be comfortable with where I’m at, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, all the –lys.”

Alex laughs and Christen joins in before continuing, “I guess I just want to feel like the best version of myself before someone is fully dependent on me and will get me at my worst too.”

“How are you doing with everything, I know we haven’t really talked since qualifiers but how’s the time been to yourself?” Alex ventures after a beat of comfortable silence.

Christen recalls the late night conversation her and Alex had a couple days before the first game. They’d talked about college and her time in Sweden and Alex’s time in France. And she’d told Alex how she really wanted to take the next few months to work on herself, to develop, and grow, and feel comfortable in her identity.

“It’s been good actually, really good. It was hard at first for sure, but now I’m feeling a lot better about everything.”

Alex pauses at a stop light and turns to look at her.

“I’m happy to hear that.”

“Thank you.” Christen says and takes a moment to stare out at the people going about their early Sunday afternoon.

“How about you? How are you feeling about Orlando, LA, all of it?”

Alex frowns slightly. “I mean I feel okay. But it’s still difficult with Serv being here and me being in Florida. I’m hoping it will change soon.”

“Already taking the necessary steps now though right?” Their house hunt being a huge indicator.

Alex turns to look at her and nods. “Right, and I don’t know if you heard, but there's talk about LA finally getting a women’s side by the end of this season.”

Christen had heard. She didn’t want to get her hopes up though because of the deal that fell through last year for the city to get an LAFC women’s team. Instead the league green lit Sacramento and Louisville. Louisville, Kentucky! It didn’t make all the most sense to her.

The California capital wasn’t far from LA though, and the owner of the club had reached out to her agent. But she didn’t want to make a move if it wasn’t exactly what she wanted. She’s done compromising and, after what happened with Houston, she’s fine staying in Salt Lake. She’s happy there.

“I did hear that, but I don’t know. I have pretty low expectations.”

“Just know I told you first, so when you get the call, I’m getting the glory.”

Christen chuckles, relaxing back into the seat. “Okay, I’ll let you tell me I told you so.”

It’s pushing three o’clock when they arrive at the last house in Venice. The area has proved to be Alex’s favorite so far, with it’s proximity to the beach and the more modern homes up for sale right now.

Christen’s hoping that this will be the one though. She stared at the pictures last night for so long that she had to add it to the list.

It’s old, probably one of the oldest they’ve seen so far, but it has everything Alex wants if she can overlook the exterior for just a second.

It looks small from the street but it opens up further back. There are also two, huge garages at the back, and the set up is similar to her own house with the garages facing the back alley. Like most homes this close to the beach, the back alley serves as more of an area away for the main road for people to wash their cars, work in the garage, etc. without being bothered.

“What do you think?”

Alex raises her eyebrows, taking in the large wall that separates the house from the street and the dark wood paneled home just beyond it. It reminds Christen of some of the older homes in Seattle and it’s even fitted with a nice little whale wind compass pointing out towards the beach that's _literally_ a block away.

“It’s different for sure.”

“Wait until you see the inside.” She promises.

Alex doesn’t seem too convinced but she looks at Christen like she’s ready to be proven wrong.

When they walk in she feels more confident that this could at least be a contender. The inside is all pristine white walls, vaulted ceilings with light wood accents and wood floors to match.

“Good afternoon ladies.” A smartly dressed realtor comes over, he has a kind smile and blonde hair combed over nicely. Christen's not sure if he’s twenty-eight or forty-eight, which is probably the point.

“Welcome in. I’m Hugh.” He extends his hand in her direction first and she takes it easily, introducing herself before Alex does the same.

“I can show you two around if you would like or feel free to look around yourselves.”

Christen assumes Alex is going to choose the solo route, but she surprises her.

“Could you show us around? Tell us a little bit more about the house.”

“Certainly." Hugh starts to walk backwards slowly. "So the house is listed at 4.49 and was built in 1924, if you can believe it. It was modeled after one of the cathedrals in the area at the time. And lucky us, the homeowner kept some of the windows and paneling from the original build.”

Hugh points up towards where the large wooden beams end and a spiral staircase begins. Christen can see the long rectangular windows adoring the upper wall above it.

“Wow,” She says, because it’s gorgeous even from this distance.

“Follow me,” Hugh moves up the spiral staircase and then they're up on the loft overlooking the living room. She’s taken aback by the view of the windows from here, letting in so much light it does remind her of a Catholic church at mass in the morning.

There’s another ornate window on the adjacent wall and a small desk off in the corner. Hugh opens the double doors in front of him and the space opens into what is staged as a fitness room.

“You can of course turn this into any space you like, but it’s big enough to be another bedroom as well.”

Christen’s not sure what Alex thinks yet, she can’t really discern her expression as she looks out the sun light set in the roof. She takes it as a good sign though, because at this point there would be at least a couple things Alex would’ve pointed out by now.

They follow Hugh back to the ground level and move into the kitchen.

“The kitchen has been updated, all stainless steel appliances, new cabinets, marble countertops and a cute little farmhouse sink.”

She runs her hands along the subway tile backsplash, having watched enough episodes of _Fixer Upper_ to know that this was done pretty well. She already loves the house, but her and Alex have slightly differing styles; however, the kitchen is modern enough to throw onto the “pros” side of the list.

“Falling for the back splash already Chris, we’ve barely seen the house.”

“I don’t care, if you get this place I’ll be here every single weekend until I learn how to cook just so I can spend time in here.”

“That’ll be a lot of weekends.” Alex smirks.

Christen drops her mouth open, fake appauled. “I’ll have you know I’m actually pretty decent. Despite whatever Kelley’s said.”

“We’ll see.” Alex says, following Hugh to where the French doors let out onto a large bricked patio.

“So as you can see, large enough to entertain.” _Pro._

Hugh points straight ahead.

“Updated fireplace for the chilly nights here in LA.” _Pro._

He then indicates to where the brick ends at the back. “And a nice little area of grass just over there that you can put a jacuzzi or maybe some small soccer goals.”

Hugh winks at both of them.

_Super PRO_.

Alex has her hands of her hips and is staring around, sizing the area up, then nods and turns back to Hugh with a smile. “It’s really nice.”

“Come on, there’s more.”

They follow him through the rest of the house and Christen takes mental notes. The bedrooms are all large and there’s a whole other area of the house that looks like it could be used for entertaining, with a smaller kitchen, bar and balcony that looks directly out at the Pacific Ocean.

There’s only one thing that makes Christen think it might not be at the top of Alex’s list.

Hugh’s moving them towards the master bedroom, stopping to show some of the guest rooms. He stops at a door, which opens up to a full bathroom.

Christen’s eyes are drawn to the large stained glass windows.

“Those are beautiful.”

“Kept from the original build and still in amazing condition.” Hugh says and she stares at the differing colors in the glass.

It makes Christen feel like there’s a history in the house and makes her wonder who lived there before. What memories the walls hold. And they definitely make up for the more dated look of the bathroom in comparison to the rest of the house.

“The previous owners didn’t want to update the bathroom?” Alex questions.

“No they didn’t,” Hugh answers. “But all the piping is in perfect condition for any renovations.”

They continue on to the master bedroom, which is large and open. After showing them the large walk in closet, that would have Pinoe salivating, and some quick comments about the crown molding, Hugh opens the door to the master bath.

“Now, I will say this bathroom wasn’t updated either; however, still fully functioning and no less charming.”

It’s dated for sure, all tile and different green accents. But there are double vanities and a large ceramic tub that serves as the centerpiece in the space. Alex hums and Christen hopes she isn’t too harsh with Hugh.

He’s been really sweet.

“I guess there’s money to update the bathrooms. I’d keep the tub though.”

Christen raises her eyebrows in shock and once Alex moves out of the bathroom Christen gives Hugh a quick high five.

Once they're back in the living room, after Alex took another walk through for a video, Hugh leads them back to the front door.

“So what did you two think?” 

She takes another look around just in case she won't have another chance. “I loved it, it has a lot of character for sure."

Hugh and Christen both turn to Alex. She internally crosses her fingers.

“I’ll have to talk to my husband about it but I liked it.” Alex says, a genuine smile on her face. 

“Perfect.” Hugh grabs a paper that details the listing and features then hands them both a business card.

“Feel free to call me anytime with questions. And it was a pleasure meeting you ladies, I’ll be cheering for you guys at the Olympics come July.”

Hugh gives them another charming smile before turning to greet one of the couples looking around.

“Soo?” Christen asks and Alex takes a quick look back as they move down the walkway.

“It’s kind of amazing.” Alex gushes. “But we’d have to make the outside wall a little higher and update the bathrooms. And it’s on a pretty busy street.”

Alex looks around as people walk past them, moving towards the sounds of the ocean just steps away. And she's right, Rose is a busy street, serving as one of the main drivable access points to the large parking area for Venice Beach.

“Yeah true, but you’ll probably go into the house from the garage.” She says and they get into the car, Alex pulling away from the curb while Christen punches in the next address. “The house is pushed far enough back you can’t hear too much from the street though and it’s under budget.”

Alex just hums in agreement and looks deep in thought so Christen doesn’t push, instead letting the thoughts of a life in that house take hold.

Once they’re finished seeing the final two houses it’s five in the afternoon and they’ve worked up an appetite. Kelley guarantees them she’ll meet them wherever they decide, not sounding too out of it.

Christen decides on Gracias Madre, a nice little vegan spot in West Hollywood that will cater to Alex’s dietary restrictions and also give Kelley the idea that she’s actually eating meat.

It’s a win for all them for sure, the place is delicious.

They arrive before Kelley does and are seated out on the patio.

“This place is gorgeous.” Alex says, sitting down.

Christen picks up her menu despite already knowing what she’s going to order. “I know, it’s honestly one of my favorite restaurants in LA.”

Kelley sends them a text and lets them know she’s five minutes out; so when the waiter comes by they just order waters for the table.

Alex places her menu down then fixes Christen with a look.

“Thank you for coming with me today. I know it might not be how you pictured your Sunday turning out.”

She smiles, because it was honestly better. “It’s fine really. I had fun and I think we saw at least two potential homes for you guys.”

Alex plays with the silverware on the table slowly.

“Yeah, I think I really like the Rose Avenue one.”

Christen raises her arms in silent celebration and it causes Alex to let out a loud laugh. She has to hand it to herself though, that one was kind of a shot in the dark.

She lowers her arms before speaking. “It was beautiful and super spacious.”

“And had character right?” Alex adds.

“Right.” She gives Alex a firm nod. “No point of having a house that looks like everyone else’s.”

They start talking about the different features of the place and if Alex really should consider renovating two of the bathrooms when Kelley finally plops down in the empty chair, face red like she’s been out in the sun too long.

She looks at both of them and foregoes a hello altogether.

“So tell me, how many of these places actually had pools?”

*/||\\*

The three of them are back at Christen’s house sitting out on her balcony and trying to stay warm in the breeze that blows in from the ocean.

Tyler and her Dad had come over a couple of weeks ago and put up the Christmas lights around the balcony, so it bathes the three woman in a cool white glow.

She sits out here most evenings when she’s back in LA but the sun has gone down by now and they're just staring out at the ocean, one or two boats going by so they can see the waves playing in the distance.

“Crazy that you can actually see the stars over here.” Alex murmurs, head tilted up.

There are a couple of stars that smatter the sky, more so probably than what Alex sees further inland. But the pollution and smog from the airport still carry down far enough to shadow what’s really out there.

“Dude, once you move here have Chris take you up to this lookout by Pepperdine.” Kelley says, reminiscing. “It’s like a whole new world.”

Her and Kelley had went up to Malibu during one of Kelley's visits back in November and the girl had freaked out for twenty minutes and almost blinded herself trying to count all the stars in the sky.

It reminded Christen of lazy nights in Utah when the sky was so clear it looked like she could see galaxies.

“I’d like that.” Alex says, head still tilted up.

Christen would take her, Servando too. It was a place that made you feel far away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

But she’d be back in Salt Lake on Monday and then wouldn’t be back home until right before national team camp in June for Olympic training.

“I wonder if the stars look the same in Tokyo.” Christen says aloud softly.

She hopes they'll be brighter.

“In two months you’ll find out.”

Kelley leans forwards, rubs her hands together and glances at both her and Alex.

“We are going to fucking crush it.”

She feels Kelley’s words move through her, manifesting a path that she can see clearly.

They were going to crush it for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think!!  
> 


	5. July 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yeah, you're the reason I got a weakness." – Kehlani, _Can You Blame Me_

_The end of July_

The flight from LAX to Haneda Airport in Tokyo should give Christen enough time to settle her nerves. But with the large aircraft packed with her teammates and coaching staff for twelve hours her energy is nothing short of electric.

There are butterflies in her stomach, pitching this way and that, rapidly flapping their wings like their lives depend on it. She’s nervous in the way that reminds her of her first day at Stanford. When her family left after moving her in and she just looked around her room and knew the place was going to change her life. But there is also a sense of determination that settles into her heart that keeps the nerves from spilling over.

She stares outside the small window of the plane, out into nothing but darkness except for the light at the end of the wing, and thinks about the four years of preparations for the next two weeks. Four years of preparations for six games – hopefully. It doesn’t take her long to calm down though, for her to let the excitement that has engulfed the air in the plane to recycle to her.

Murmurs of quiet conversations can be heard further up the plane where the US Olympic softball team is sitting, them being one of the only other sports starting before the opening ceremony.

Alex is sitting in the aisle seat next to her doing a quick dive into the app Christen recommended to learn Japanese pronunciation for greetings and simple directions. The overhead light is on and casts the woman in a yellow haze, but she looks how Christen feels, determined, slightly nervous, and holding enough energy to run the lengths of every stadium they’ll be playing at in Japan.

When a voice comes over the intercom to tell them they’ll be landing soon Alex turns to her with a groan shutting off the overhead light.

“You know, if you would have told me about this app when you first got it I wouldn’t have to be cramming.”

“I did tell you and you said you'd be fine since you took Mandarin in high school.” Christen replies pointedly. 

Alex scowls at her and then just sighs, most likely remembering the long conversation they had a couple of weeks ago about the differences between Japanese and Mandarin.

“Well this is like the Rosetta Stone right here and I’m blaming you.” Alex says, dropping her head back against the seat in defeat. 

“Luckily your Mom got you that pocket translator though, right?”

Alex eyes open quickly and she looks honest to god relieved. “Shit, I almost forgot about that.”

Christen watches Alex dig around in her backpack before pulling out the small recorder like device and they spend the remainder of the flight attempting to set it up.

When they touch down in Tokyo the city is so alive with people that anticipation settles around the team. The streets are decorated in different colors and packed even this late into the evening.

“How much do you want to bet we’ll be roommates?” Alex speaks quietly as they move off the bus and towards the hotel entrance.

Christen considers the bet. Her and Alex haven’t been roommates since qualifying camp and the odds seem slightly in her favor given the last couple of camps.

“Dinner at Gracias Madre after you officially move to LA?” 

“You’re on Princess.”

Christen lightly shoves Alex away and narrows her eyes, “Stop calling me that. You spend way too much time with Kelley.”

Alex laughs then stops and gives her an exaggerated curtsey. “I apologize, my Queen.”

Pinoe and Ashlyn, who are walking behind them, quickly move to follow and then Sonnet, Rose, and Mal join in before Kelley pushes through them, dropping to a knee before taking Christen’s hand and putting it to her forehead.

“Your Grace.”

Christen can’t help the laugh that rises up as the rest of her teammates around her join in and she pulls her hand away from a smiling Kelley.

“I knew I shouldn’t have introduced you to _Game of Thrones_.”

“Christen Press, first of her name, scorer of goals – “ Rose says and Christen wants to be annoyed as they begin to speak over each other to add to her “title” but she’s not.

It has only been a couple of weeks since they all had been together and now here they are in Tokyo, on the cusp of their Olympic run and nothing has changed. This was her family. And it feels so good to be back.

When they finally all crowd into the large lobby of the hotel, names are starting to be called out for room assignments. 

“Naeher and Sauerbrunn.”

“Krieger and Ertz.”

“Dunn and O’Hara.” Christen sees Crystal jump on Kelley’s back before Kelley moves them easily towards their pile of bags.

“Heath and Mewis.”

“Lavelle and Rapinoe.”

The two pairs called crowd around Louisa, one of the team trainers who's handing out the keys. Vlatko steps up before she can call out the next set of names. 

“Ladies make sure you get a good rest tonight. Breakfast is at 7:30 then we are headed to the field at 9.” Murmurs of agreement pass through them then Louisa is starting up again.

“Lloyd and Harris.” 

“Dahlkemper and Sonnet.”

Christen worries her lip with her teeth, and looks over at Alex, who's looking back at her entirely too smug knowing she was about to be treated to a dinner.

“Morgan and Press.”

Alex practically skips up to Louisa, plucking the room keys from her then moving to the pick up her bags.

“Pugh and Horan.”

Christen hears Louisa call the last two names while she moves towards the elevators.

She holds up her hand upon approach, “don’t even say I told you so.”

Alex chuckles holding the elevator open as her, Lindsey, Mal, Sonny and Abby pile in. “I can’t wait for guac and Portobello tacos on you.”

When they make it to their room, Christen hopes she will be coming back to this room for the next three weeks happy and excited. She doesn't want to relive the night after their quarterfinal loss in 2016 or the feelings that settled that took her months and months to uproot. 

“You pick.” Alex speaks up, nodding towards the beds. Christen knows Alex would prefer the bed closest to the window so she easily moves to drop her bag in front of the bed near the door.

“We’re finally here.” Alex says, falling back onto her own bed with arms outstretched, looking content.

Christen does the same and they lie there in comfortable silence as she thinks back to the past two months.

May and June had been whirlwinds.

The season picked up and the Royals were on a four game winning streak when Vlatko called a surprise camp at the end of May, which he used to make the final decision before announcing the Olympic roster in June.

That May camp in San Diego had been one of the hardest of her life. The conditioning schedule alone had her and Crystal passed out in their room after each meal. Vlatko yelled encouragement and critiques at them the whole week, calling for tighter formations, quicker defensive recoveries and cleaner finishes in front of goal. But her fitness for the camp was good enough, her work ethic since the year began still intact and when June rolled around the twenty-three called up got cut down to eighteen for the final Olympic roster - and she was on it.

The two week Olympic camp in June was one to be remembered. Despite the immense amount of expectations placed upon them, the energy of each practice felt joyful. The team, although expected to win every game come July, was having fun. Regardless of their opponents, Vlatko spoke about enjoying their time on the field and enjoying playing with each other. And although coaches always said those words, it had a touch more sincerity. 

When they all gathered in the hotel meeting room for the group stage draw Christen couldn’t contain her excitement much more. They drew Brazil, Zambia, and Sweden. She shared a look with Alex because if this wasn’t a redemption arc for somebody, Christen really wasn’t sure what to believe.

That camp really felt like the start of their run for the gold medal. It would be the first Olympic games for some players, but for the rest of them it’s another opportunity to rewrite history.

Their send off game the week before had been exhilarating and as she walked around the stands, the amount of support and words of encouragement steeled Christen to enjoy the moments that were to come. The determination that had settled around her seeped in through her pores and settled into her bones.

And now she’s here and she doesn’t feel anything less.

*/||\\*

Their first practice goes well, the tiredness that might have clouded their ability to move quickly and efficiently is all but gone the second they enter the stadium. The energy around the team is so high that after practice they spend an inordinate amount of time taking pictures together and just sitting on the field, soaking up the feeling of an empty stadium that will soon be packed with people in three days.

Once they're back at the hotel, lunch and team meeting fill the time before they have an easy conditioning and weight session at the Nike Tokyo training facility.

Dinner is another loud affair, enthusiasm replacing any of the nervousness that may have started to settle as the day wore on and the schedule for media shoots and outings were announced.

Christen’s decides to head back to her room, dinner making her slightly sluggish. She pushes back from the table and turns to find Tobin standing in front of her.

“Hey.” She greets, slightly startled.

“I uh –,” Tobin scratches at the back of her neck, “do you want to go for a walk?”

Christen tilts her head at Tobin slightly, trying to get a good read on the woman. They talk of course, facetiming over the last few weeks, but even at camps they never really are alone. She didn't want to push, knowing Tobin might not be ready for that...she's not even sure she is. 

So this would be a first.

She realizes she's staring as Tobin's hands move deep into her sweatshirt pocket and the hat on her head, perpetually lopsided, shields her face slightly. Tobin looks normal, but it’s her eyes that have Christen finally nodding in acceptance.

They are nervous but hopeful and Christen won’t deny the fact that she’s suddenly feeling hopeful too.

The walk around the hotel's back garden isn't at all what's she's expecting. There is a silence that settles around them over the next hour and Christen feels no sense of urgency to break it. They never really needed to talk or fill the air with words to prevent the possibility of awkwardness. So it feels good, to be with Tobin like this again, something familiar in her ever changing reality.

It reminds her of _before_.

Before strained conversations, biting words, and fights that left her heart hollow. Before their relationship started to fragment leaving only pieces of them. Before, when they were an us. 

When they round a corner and are back at the door Tobin led them out of neither move to open it. It feels like it'll break whatever it is that has just occurred, whatever is taking place, as time seems to move slowly. 

Tobin turns to look at Christen, eyes sincere.

“Thanks for the walk.”

“You don’t have to thank me Tobin, we’re friends.”

There's a beat before Tobin's eyes turn genuinely curious. 

“Are we?” 

Another moment passes and they just stare at each other.

And Christen knows it’s because, despite their conversations over the months, the pathway to friendship they’ve been back on is different than before. Their friendship before they started dating was always tinted with late night conversations about their dreams and barely concealed longing.

Now, they can't go back to that, so their starting anew. It's a friendship now made up of stories about their days, of what their friends have been up to, and a mutual understanding that things have changed.

But this is how it needs to be now. A clear demarcation of where they stand.

“What would you call what we’re doing?”

Tobin shrugs, “Hanging out.”

“As?”

Tobin chuckles and finally concedes, “Friends.”

She can't help the smile that spreads across her face. “See, now was that hard?”

“It’s just been a while Chris, since it’s been just us you know?”

“I know.” She breathes out, because it’s felt like years. So she takes a chance. “I’d like to do this again though.”

Tobin's eyebrows shoot up in quick surprise before her face relaxes back as if it never happened.

“Cool, tomorrow?”

The words it’s a date are so close to leaving her mouth that she almost coughs, her chest seizing as she swallows the words back.

Clear lines, that’s what they need to continue to set.

“Tomorrow.”

They finally move inside and the spell breaks, just as she thought it would. But when they part ways in the elevator she still feels a deep satisfaction. She's not upset, or angry, or regretful about anything that has led her to this point.

It takes her a moment to find her key, and she can hear Alex beyond the door as she’s pushes it open.

“Why do you always do this?” The tone is so sharp it stops Christen in her tracks, door half open and her body halfway through.

She’s never heard Alex sound like _that_. So angry but also incredibly despondent. Alex has one hand on her head, almost as if she's trying not to pull her hair out and the other is pressing the phone to her ear.

Christen’s obviously walked in on something, and she needs to just quietly move back out of the room to give Alex privacy again.

“You’re unbelievable. I can’t – “ Alex turns towards her and whatever she’s is going to say is cut off when she sees her halted at the door. “I have to go, I’ll see you Wednesday.”

It doesn’t seem like she waits for a reply, just hits the red button on her phone then throws it on her bed.

With her chance to leave unseen gone, Christen closes the door and moves further into the room, sitting down on the edge of her bed.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your conversation.” She says it quietly, careful not to cause the tension that’s wound so tightly around Alex to break.

“It’s fine.” Christen watches Alex’s shoulders drop, the anger is still rolling off of her but she looks defeated.

She’s unsure of what to say next and Alex is still standing in the middle of the room staring at the partially open window.

“Have you ever felt like someone who’s supposed to love you is the one who wants you to fail the most?” 

Christen hasn't. And she's not entirely sure if Alex wants an honest reply. 

“Was it Servando?”

“It always is.” Alex says it with almost no emotion, as if it's just a fact. 

It crushes Christen right in the chest because she can’t imagine what that feels like. To have the person who’s supposed to be your biggest supporter, be the one who hopes to see you fall the furthest.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” Alex finally turns to look at her. “Can we go somewhere?”

“Where do you want to go?”

It’s late, going on 9 pm, they have practice in the morning but Alex looks like she can’t bear to be in the room much longer. And there’s no way Christen’s just going to let her go off on her own.

“Anywhere." Alex sighs out and Christen just finds herself nodding in return.

They quickly pull on low brim baseball caps and baggy sweatshirts with jackets to protect themselves from the wind.

Christen muses through the Tokyo travel book her Dad bought her before leaving and decides they should head to one of the street markets. Their options are limited with how late it is, but she finds a night market listed that's open all night.

The streets are still filled with people when they get out of the Uber to stand in front of the Yakitori Alley market. The shops are all tucked under the metro train tracks and the inside is all dark and smoky and seems like just the place for them to get lost in.

They move gradually through the space, stopping at the food stalls and browsing through the goods.

Christen’s able to communicate the basics and Alex’s translator comes in handy. It’s fun and easy and Christen watches the gloominess and hurt that clouded around Alex slowly lift with each stall they stop at.

After one walk through, they’re sitting at a small table, snacking on some furikake fries, and she’s skimming through the travel book slowly.

“Oh listen to this,” She says, “After World War II this was an actual black market. Sold American goods and some other illegal things like sugar.”

“Sugar?” Alex questions, eyebrows raised.

Christen shrugs, “Supposedly it was very scandalous. Sweet potatoes too.”

Alex nods, still chewing leisurely then swallowing and leaning back. She’s more relaxed now, the tight coil of tension spooled around her shoulders now gone.

“Thank you for this.” Alex says lowly and despite the sounds of conversation around them, her voice carries easily across the small table. “I really needed it.”

Christen knows Alex by now to see that she's tired and sad, but also somewhat relieved. They’ve gotten closer over the past few weeks, talking intermittently about Alex’s upcoming move to LA once the season is done. She had closed on the deal for the Rose Avenue home, much to Christen’s excitement, and is now waiting for all the logistics to go through before the renovations on the bathrooms and outer wall would start. And Christen had learned a lot about the other woman, so it wasn't difficult for Christen to notice that sometimes when they were talking Alex would sound almost far away, lost somehow.

Then after the Royals and Pride played and they were all hanging out at Sydney’s house, Alex had moments of quiet melancholy that Christen recognized well. It was how she looked towards the end of her own relationship, checked out of conversations because she was too busy musing through her memories to find the point where it might have went wrong.

But now, Alex looks lighter, less blue and Christen’s happy for the small silver linings that her friend can have because whatever is going on has been taking a toll on her.

“You’re welcome.” She replies simply, then shrugs her shoulders and turns back to her book, knowing Alex won’t want to get into whatever is going on in her marriage.

“Oh there’s also a day market I think not far from here.” Christen says, easily changing the subject. She flips the book towards Alex so she can see the array of desserts shown on the page that look delicious. “I definitely want to try this place.”

Alex leans forward taking a quick look then picking up the book. She stands, waving her translator at Christen before backing away. “I’m going to ask someone where it is. Dessert will be on me tomorrow.”

When they get back to their room they’re both tired, feet slightly aching from walking the narrow corridors for so long. But the room is nice and cool and they both fall asleep easily, ready to take on the next few days before they meet Sweden in the opening match.

*/||\\*

Practices after the first one are all business. Everyone is locked in and Christen knows that if this is anyone’s to win, it’s definitely theirs’. She takes walks with Tobin after dinner, around the hotel garden and back, the silence that wrapped around them at first now making way for conversations that aren’t long nor are they fleeting. They’re normal and each evening she returns to her room and feels like they’re healing.

Together.

Then, suddenly, it’s Thursday and she’s standing in the tunnel, hand tightly interlocked within a young girl’s who’s holding on just as tightly. Christen can hear the loud reverberations as they ready to walk out.

She’s behind Ali and in front of Alex, who leans forward and whispers in her ear.

“We got this.”

Christen believes it, nerves and excitement coming together when they walk out, side by side with their Swedish opponents. And Christen feels alive. The noise alone sets her body on fire and when they line up and the stadium erupts in the national anthem, she sings along feeling proud.

A couple of minutes later she stands at the center circle, ball at her feet, and waits. It's quiet, even though she can feel the vibration of the noise under her feet, but she doesn’t hear all that much. Christen turns and looks at Alex standing to her right at the edge of the circle, poised to rush up the field when the whistle blows.

They nod at each other, because they aren’t losing again. And when the referee starts the game the feeling in her body is sharp and it spreads, and spreads, and spreads until it’s at her feet and she connects with the ball.

A goal a piece in the opening half has them up 2-0 as they head back to the locker room. She comes out with a fire under her ass and scores another in the opening five minutes and Tobin puts the last one away before they are both subbed out with 20 minutes left.

They win 4-1.

It's electric in the locker room post game, music is blasting from the built in speakers and everyone is up and dancing. When they get back to the hotel her and Alyssa spend the rest of the day in the jacuzzi until she feels herself dozing off and heads back to her room. Alex is nowhere to be found, probably still out with her parents and Servando, who arrived the day before. 

Christen showers as quickly as her body will allow, and practically dives face first into the bed. It's only an hour later when she blinks awake slowly, noises coming from the bathroom taking her out of the deep sleep she fell into. 

She moves out of bed and makes her way to the half cracked door. She hears a sigh and slight sniffling on the other side before she pushes the door open.

Alex is there, sitting down on the edge of the tub. 

“Sorry – I – I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Alex says, voice sounding far away again.

Looking at her face, Christen confirms easily that she has been crying. Her eyes are red rimmed, slightly bloodshot, and she looks so worn even though Christen knows it’s not from the game.

Christen doesn’t say anything, just squats down and wraps her arms around Alex’s neck in a hug. Sometimes, that’s all that needs to be said.

A connection that speaks quietly saying, “I’m here”.

It takes her a while to get Alex up and changed for bed. But she does it with little resistance and the second Alex's head hits the pillow she's out like a light. Christen sits there for a moment, contemplating if she should tell Kelley what's been going on, maybe the other woman already knows at least something. 

Christen moves back under her own covers. She'd talk to Alex about it, hopefully sooner rather than later. Because Christen knows how much it can hurt if you keep it in for too long, or if you ignore the signs that are making themselves known. And she won't pretend to know Alex's relationship, she's only ever seen it for the highs, but if the lows are like what Alex is experiencing now then, obviously, something wasn't right. 

But all she can do is be there for her, as a friend, as a teammate, as someone who wouldn't have made it herself if her friends hadn't been there. Christen's hopeful as she moves to shut off the lamp, because if Alex is anything, it's iron-willed. 

*/||\\*

The following morning leaves no time to talk about the previous evening’s events. It's constant movement for the start, from fittings, to individual and team shoots, then a long run through of the itinerary for the opening ceremony. They have a quick lunch as a team before heading to Tokyo Stadium, which is a flurry of activity, hundreds of Olympians beginning to pile into the parking lot to get their assignments for placement. Time moves quickly and then the show is starting. 

And goodness, is the opening ceremony absolutely breathtaking.

It’s a blast of history, storytelling the development of Japanese culture. It amazes Christen as she watches homes and villages eradicated in five minutes then dismantled for temples and scenes of emperors and empresses, samurais and great battles. At one point the whole field looks like the ocean with different types of period boats leading to a shore depicting the post-war growth of the country and modern development with technology, manufacturing, and exports. It’s a production from start to finish, like watching a play with no dialogue or a silent film from the beginnings of the movie industry.

It’s astounding really, the music, the dancers, the precision, the timing. And when it ends, with a bright fireworks display and mini city center of the now bustling Tokyo built up and blazing to show the five interlocking rings of the Olympic symbol, Christen feels especially grateful for it all.

When the Parade of Nations begins and countries start walking out, it’s a long wait until they’re up but Christen loves it all the same. Seeing the different outfits, the different ways countries express their culture is as educational as it was for her four years ago. It also gives them all a lot of time to talk to some of the other US Olympians and the gratitude each of them has for just being able to experience it all is evident.

The US enters third to last, before France and Japan, due to the new tradition that the next Olympic hosts will precede the current one in the ceremony. So with Los Angeles hosting in 2028 and Paris in 2024 they walk out after Zimbabwe and before the French.

The Nike and Ralph Lauren collaborative design gives them the sports chic kind of look that can only come from wearing expensive looking tracksuits. And that’s what they’re in but Christen’s fine with it, glad to have to never experience the nautical outfits they wore in 2016 again.

She doesn’t remember the actual walk, she just knows she had both arms raised, waving to everyone and no one and then she blinks and they have reached the end.

The final fireworks show is beautiful, and she stares up into the sky, thinks of her Mom and her family, and the women surrounding her.

The best football of her life. That’s what she would continue to play. For all of them.

The next two games, pass easily and they beat Brazil and Zambia with relative ease. They win the group and Brazil gets second, beating out Sweden after a stoppage time bullet of a shot from Debinha that Lindahl had no chance of saving. But Sweden is still able to move on to the knockout stage based on third place points between all the groups.

They draw the Aussies in the quarterfinal. She’s resolute, ready to repave the disappointment and loss from the previous Olympics.

They come out strong, but Lydia is a wall in the goal and neither her nor Alex can get one through despite multiple chances.

A break comes two minutes before the half when Alyssa sends a quick kick up the field and it’s a foot race between her and Carpenter. She’s able to get a toe on it as Lydia makes a run out and she chips it without thinking too much about how much it’s going to hurt running into the goalkeeper.

Her initial reflex reaction has her moving to jump over Lydia as she slides towards her, but the keeper’s hand clips her ankle and sends her spiraling into the grass. She sees stars for a second and Christen isn’t sure if the roar she hears is from the crowd or her head.

She moves to turn onto her back, head clearing and realizes that the roaring is definitely the crowd. She glances up and the ball’s sitting just beyond the goal line. Then, suddenly, Pinoe and Julie are hauling her to her feet.

“You freaking superstar!” Pinoe yells and then she’s engulfed in a large hug as the rest of her teammates crowd around them.

“You okay Chris?” Tobin reaches a hand out towards her head, but she stops just before she comes into contact. 

There’s a slight pain in her left hip and her head is still slightly pounding but she’s good. She feels the hesitation in Tobin's gaze and Christen reaches out to squeeze Tobin's shoulder in understanding. 

“I think so.”

Tobin nods, and then starts to jog away. Alex and Kelley pull her back towards the center circle and the ref calls for half just as the Australian forwards restart the game.

As she expects, Vlatko subs her out at the half, but Carli comes on and scores a header off of a cross from Pinoe. They win 2-0 and despite the pain in her hip and the headache wrapping around her skull she’s freaking happy.

They didn’t make it this far last time. And in no way in hell is she taking it for granted.

The next morning, most of the team congregates in her and Alex’s room, since Kelley, Mal, Pinoe, and Ali came to hang out following breakfast. England and Sweden are playing and whoever wins will play them in the semifinals in two days.

It’s a redemption arc now for sure and Christen wonders if the result will reveal who it's for.

England wins 2-1.

This should be fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter update today, y'all. The last two chapters had been behemoths that only existed in the early stages of quarantine.  
> Regardless, let me know what you think.


	6. August 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We were much happier when,
> 
> It was always happy endings."
> 
> \- H.E.R., _Gone Away_

_The beginning of August_

As expected when they play England in the semifinals it’s absolute mayhem. 

Bodies are flying and her and Alex have both hit the grass more times than usual – which is saying a lot.

They go up 1-0 in the 31st minute after her corner kick bounces around in the box and lands at Tobin’s feet long enough for her to ping a shot past Telford into the bottom left corner of the goal. 

When the halftime whistle blows, Christen’s honestly relieved. She needs at least a bit of rest and her hip, which she injured last game, is beginning to make itself known.

Once the game starts up again the physicality is upped even more, the English obviously not wanting to lose another huge game to them. Shirts are pulled, cards are given and she starts to see when most of her teammates are really starting to push back. They’ve always been a pretty physical team but the lionesses have always brought it out a bit more. 

In the 64th minute, she sees an opening as Abby receives the ball in the back and Alex reads Christen's movement well enough for them to switch positions easily just as Abby sends a perfectly placed long ball up between them. 

Christen’s moving towards the ball quickly and she knows she has open field ahead of her if she can get there. Her foot is just touching the ball twenty-ish yards out when there’s a sharp pain in her left hip and her legs are taken out from under her. 

Not again, she thinks.

The ground comes at her hard and she falls onto her side, her right arm and torso taking most of the impact. It hurts like a bitch and she closes her eyes tightly, if not to just catch her breath. 

She hears the whistle sharp over the pounding in her ears and then there’s nothing but yelling all around her. 

“Can you step the fuck back.” The words are hissed above her and then she opens her eyes and Kelley’s freckled face is there. Looking concerned and altogether pissed. 

Kelley holds up two fingers in front of her face. “How many fingers Pressy?” 

Christen closes her eyes briefly, willing her head to clear and when it does she moves Kelley’s hand back. “It was my hip not my head Kel.”

She gets a smile in response as Kelley drops her hand. 

“There she is.”

Christen rubs at her right arm and then reaches out for both Kelley and Sam, who are closest to her.

They pull her up and she feels...okay. Though she knows her hip is going to be a pain later. The rest of her teammates come up and check on her and she sends a hand up to the sidelines to show she’s fine so Louisa doesn’t rush out.

There is a slight commotion at her back and she looks over to see Tobin, Alex, and Megan in the ref’s face, Julie, Crystal and Becky all trying to pull them back. 

It’s close to escalating, the English players also beginning to swarm and Christen has to pull Kelley by the back of the jersey so she doesn’t join in. Crystal manages to get Megan away and Julie has a hand to Tobin’s chest. Tobin begins to calm when she throws a quick look Christen's way, letting Julie easily overpower her so she's taking steps away from the referee, but it takes Becky giving Alex a hard pull to her jersey to get the other forward out of the ref’s face.

Alex throws her hands up in exasperation and Christen has the sudden sense of urgency to go over and calm her down. But she doesn’t have the time to, the ref is blowing her whistle a couple of times, signaling players over.

Bright is shown a yellow card for her tackle and then the referee brandishes a card for both Alex and Tobin. Then she spends a second chastising Becky, who’s wearing the captain armband, in an obvious attempt to regain control of the game. 

Once the ball is set where Christen went down, her and Megan stand over the ball. She knows Megan wants her to take it. It’s just close enough to resemble one of the shots she takes after practice. However, there usually isn’t a five woman wall or nearly as many bodies in front of the goal but she gives Megan a slight nod. She's confident, hopeful it'll be mostly muscle memory at this point.

Christen takes a couple small steps back, exhales a steadying breath, and when the ref blows the whistle Megan runs over the ball and then she’s taking her steps up to it, hitting it with the laces of her right foot. She knows it’s in right as she connects. 

Megan’s the first one to her and she lets Christen raise her hands up and look to the sky. She sees her mom in everything now. 

When she looks back down Megan jumps onto her screaming something unintelligible and the rest of her teammates are there. Hitting her on the back, moving in for hugs or tapping her lightly on the head.

Tobin pulls her into a hug a whispered “she’s so proud of you” brushing her ear before the moment is gone. 

Kelley gives her a soft bop on the head and then Alex is there.

“No more yellow cards yeah?” Christen says and Alex just squeezes her shoulder. 

“Stop getting body checked into the ground, yeah?”

“Learned from the best.”

Alex just smiles and pats her on the back as they trot back towards the center circle.

“You good?” 

Christen nods and moves back into position.

The crowd is louder than before and the energy in the stadium is pulling through her. She doesn’t feel any pain, all she feels is her mom and the need to finish the next 30 minutes out. 

They win 2-0.

She’s swept up in a family dinner with her Dad, her sisters, and Franny after the game but it gives her time away from her teammates to just sit, reflect quietly, and exist as Tyler and her Dad go back and forth about what’s been going on in LA since she’s been gone.

They play Brazil in the gold medal match, despite most analysts expecting a World Cup rematch. But then Brazil beats the Netherlands 4-2 on penalties.

Christen had watched with a heavy heart as Martens and van de Donk curled their shots just past the outside of the left post. Then when Barbara blocked the last shot she remembered the same feeling as the Dutch players dropped to their knees and the Brazilians crowded around Barbara.

The feeling of failure sticks but it falls away with time, and hopefully the Dutch national team can get there just as she did. Christen’s happy for them though, yesterday they beat England to get bronze.

Now, the air in the tunnel before the final game is so electric Christen feels it coursing through her body like a live current. This is what she’s been training for day in and out; this will be her last Olympic game, most likely half the teams’ as well.

So she walks out, with her head held high and her heart full.

When the final whistle blows and she looks up at the score board its 3-1 U.S. and Christen’s heart feels like it’s expanding in size. She played the whole game and she’s exhausted beyond compare but she has enough strength to catch Kelley as she jumps onto her with Carli close behind. They all embrace and before she knows it she’s crying.

They freaking did it.

“We fucking did it.” Kelley says into her ear before dropping down and running off to join some of their other teammates.

There’s another group of hugs and congratulations passed around before she makes it to Alex.

The other woman embraces her tightly. “All you ever dreamed of?”

“More,” Christen says and Alex look over Christen’s shoulder and gives her another smile before turning and calling out to Kelley.

Christen turns to look what had caught Alex’s eye and sees Tobin walking towards her, smile so big it reminds her of _before_.

When Tobin reaches her she feels the tears track heavier and the arms around her are so strong she feels like if they weren’t there she’d hit the ground.

“You did it Chris.” Tobin whispers. “She’s so proud of you.”

They stay like that for a while, intertwined in the middle of the field. It feels nice, comfortable, and it probably should be more confusing than it is. But Christen knows they're in a good place, as good of friends as exes can be. And it isn’t the first time Christen wonders if this is how it’s supposed to be.

She doesn’t speak, just wipes her tears as subtly as she can before they are engulfed by more of their friends and move to where all their families are sitting.

The stadium is designed well, so it isn’t a large feat to move and hug her Dad tightly. He’s crying too and his embrace steadies her, then when her sister’s join in it feels like a whisper of a prayer at her back.

Jeff, Cindy, and the rest of the Heath family are next, hugging her as if she still was going to be a part of their family in the coming months. It doesn’t make Christen as sad as it used to, holding Tobin’s niece and nephew, who know her well enough to reach out to her when she moves towards them.

She doesn’t have time to analyze what that all means because the team is ushered towards the quickly erected stage for the medal ceremony.

They all clap politely as the Brazilian players receive their silver medals, but the downtrodden faces of their opponents can’t keep the excitement from encompassing them as they line up in order.

When she’s called up after Ali and the gold medal is placed over her head, she feels it’s solid weight and can’t help the tears that fall again. Four years for six games. Six games and now they're gold medalists.

It’s something she only dreamed of and it’s fulfilling, the moment when you get something you’ve always wanted. Sometimes it can be underwhelming, the journey being much more grand, but this is a culmination of a battle she fought within herself for years and she feels like it’s all worth it.

Before she can step off the stage and make way for Alex, the Olympic chairman announces that she was the leading scorer in the women’s Olympic competition. She gets a nice plaque, another medal, and another picture snapped to commemorate the accomplishment. It’s a swarm of hugs as she steps off and she tries not to let the embarrassment fill up as her teammates shower her with praise. She screams loudly as Alex accepts her medal and then they all scream themselves hoarse as the last of their teammates are called.

Vlatko walks up, graciously bending down low to get the medal placed over his head and then he jumps down into the middle of their large circle for more celebratory pats on the back and hugs.

It’s a surreal hour on the field, almost all the fans sticking around to watch, confetti still fresh on the ground as they make there way back to the locker room for more celebratory festivities – this time champagne.

*/||\\*

The victory party is in full swing in the back garden of the hotel when she gets downstairs. She’s familiar with the space, having taken a tour almost every evening with Tobin on their walks, so she’s able to easily navigate to where most of her teammates are downing individual bottles of champagne, gold medals around their necks reflecting the lights around the area.

Their family and friends also crowd the space and the two makeshift bars are packed.

“Pressy, there you are!” Kelley calls out loudly, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “I thought you were going to skip out on us.”

Christen just shakes her head then gives Liz a hug, Kelley’s girlfriend having made the trip to Japan before the gold medal game.

“Are you already drunk?” She asks, taking into account the wide smile and the redness of her face.

“She was already drunk when you guys left the stadium.” Liz supplies, giving Kelley a knowing smile that’s so affectionate Christen can’t help but feel like she’s intruding.

“You just need to catch up,” Kelley hands her the practically full bottle in her hand. “Here take this, I’ll go get another one. Come on, babe.”

Liz gives Christen a quick wave, taking Kelley’s outstretched hand as she starts to move towards one of the bars.

Christen is about to take a quick look around for Franny or her sisters when Megan pops up, sunglasses adorning her face and light smile directed at her.

“CP, drink up and let’s dance girl.”

She doesn’t complain, the alcohol and slight tipsy feeling she had leaving the stadium already fading after her shower. Tilting the bottle back, she downs a mouthful of the bubbling liquid and let’s Megan lead her through the crowd, stopping every so often to talk, accept congratulations, and take celebratory swigs from the bottle. They arrive at what Megan called the dance floor, which is basically just a small circle with Sonnet, Crystal, and Rose dancing amongst the growing crowd.

Cheers of her and Megan’s name ring out as they move into the circle and she loses herself in the sounds of the music and the happiness from their win.

The night passes and Christen’s starting to feel the effects of the bottle she finished. She probably should have paced herself and the shot of vodka Ashlyn deposited in her hand didn’t help. But she’s feeling loose, amazing really, now dancing in front of the second bar as some of her teammates dance on top of it.

It reminds her of the World Cup, but it’s not nearly as hot and she doesn’t hesitate to reach a hand up towards Alex.

Alex pulls her up onto the bar easily, leaning over towards her. “You good?”

“Yeah, you?”

Alex just nods, but Christen can see the etchings of something there that she isn’t saying. But her friend turns forward to resume dancing and Christen can’t help but follow.

After a couple of songs, the prickling sensation of eyes on her have Christen looking around. She turns to look at the other people on the bar, Megan and Sue having taken Alex’s place after she hopped down a couple of minutes ago and disappeared.

The two are belting out the new Rihanna song playing, not a care in the world.

She sweeps her gaze over the crowd in front of her before locking eyes with Tobin. She’s towards the back of the garden, closer to the other bar then to Christen, but her gaze carries. Tobin lifts the beer bottle she’s holding to her lips, not breaking eye contact.

They haven’t spoken since being on the field before the medal ceremony, but the obvious tension between them right now makes Christen sway slightly. They’re in a good place, at least she thinks so. And the alcohol they both have obviously consumed makes Christen think a little too hard about what the last couple of weeks all means for them.

She'll have to look into if there is handbook for it all, something that would help her figure out how to navigate still being attracted to her ex at a party where alcohol is involved. 

Not helping with matters, Tobin looks good too, all dark clothing, and hair down in the effortless way she always wears it. And she’s looking at Christen like she can’t help herself.

She looks away first, bringing her eyes to the people surrounding Tobin. Lindsey and Tobin’s younger brother Jeff, both engaged in a conversation and completely unaware. Her eyes easily track back. 

The look Tobin gives her is enough for Christen to understand. But despite the still ever present attraction, nothing good can come from whatever it is that might happen if she hops down and makes her way over there.

She isn’t ready to be in a relationship again, not with anyone, not after she feels like she has a clear understanding of who she is, who she wants to be, and how she can accomplish that.

Nothing good can come of her staying on this bar and drinking anymore either, her steely resolve might start to crumble.

“I’m going to go P,” She half yells at Megan, before reaching her hands out to Julie and Zach who are directly in front of her to help her down.

She finds her family, saying goodnight to her Dad, Channing, Tyler, and Franny who are still enjoying the celebration then quickly makes her way to the elevator to head back up to her room.

When she gets inside, the weight of the medal around her neck is enough to shake off the uncertainty clouding her decision. The medal is sure, solid, and it’s freaking gold.

She’s staring down at it in her hand and she doesn’t see the bag that catches her left foot and sends her toppling into the dresser.

“Easy there, Chris, don’t want you hurting yourself again.”

Christen looks up quickly, regaining her footing. Alex is sitting up on her bed, still in her own gold medal shirt, sans medal, and jeans from the celebration party.

“I was wondering where you went.” Christen responds, dropping to sit at the edge of her bed.

“Not many places I could have gone to be alone.”

She stops untying her sneaker and glances up. “Do you want me to go?” If she hurried she could probably still catch one of her family members.

“No, you’re good.” Alex replies. “Why aren’t you at the party though?”

Maybe it’s the champagne or all the dancing but she feels the truth bubble to the surface. She gets her shoes off then climbs up to lay down in the center of her bed.

“Things were starting to get confusing so I thought I’d go before bad decisions could be made.”

“Bad decisions?”

“Maybe not bad,” She thinks about it for a second, staring up at the ceiling. “Premature might be a better word.”

“How do you know it’s premature?”

“Because I feel like if I did it, nothing would change. I’d be right back where I was eight months ago.”

Alex makes a sound like she's figured something out. “So, if the outcome is the same, what’s the point?”

“That,” Christen agrees then muses. “And I’m just not ready.”

“How will you know when you’re ready?”

She pauses. Christen’s sure of a lot of things, but that she’s not. She thinks about how she knew before. How she knew with anyone she’s been with. 

How she knew to end it.

“When you can’t think of anything else.”

It’s quiet for a while and Christen can hear the sounds of the city carrying up towards their window.

“I get it you know?” Alex voice breaks the silence.

Chris turns her head, finally managing to look over at Alex who’s still staring up at the ceiling, both hands cradling her head.

“Get what?”

“That feeling like there’s something missing. Getting tired of pushing yourself to make it work because you can’t figure out what it is.”

Christen nods, knowing how hard it was to sit with a foreboding sense of unknown. And she couldn’t think of anything else then, couldn’t stop thinking of how easy it would be if she was alone. And she sees it pass over Alex’s face, a moment that looks like the same decision has been made. The same look on her face from when they were dancing on the bar.

“I’m getting a divorce.”

Christen's eyes widen because, goodness, she wasn’t expecting that. She turns over fully to face her.

“I’m sorry.” It seems like the only thing to say in this situation.

“Don’t be, it’s been over for a while.” Alex sighs, face looking pained but reassured. “You’re the first person I’ve told.”

“You haven’t told Kelley?”

Alex pauses to let out a laugh. “No, Kelley would flip.” She says it in the way that makes Christen unsure of who Kelley is meant to flip out on.

It’s understandable though. They have a friendship that’s different than what Alex has with Kelley or with Allie. The other two have been so intertwined in Alex's life that the decision is bound to be met with something other than unapologetic support.

“Well, I’m glad you told me.” Christen says, and it’s true. “You shouldn’t have to hold your truth in.”

Alex nods, then turns, mirroring Christen's position. “So I get it, what’s happened and still happening with Tobin. And I’m here, okay?”

“Okay.” 

After that, it’s like the floodgates, or maybe the champagne, have cleared a path of unfiltered honesty between them. Christen tells Alex about how she’s still confused. Tightroping the line between running back and running away altogether. How it’s made more difficult because of how many years they spent together, how easily Tobin existed around her family, how much her Mom loved her, how it felt like it was all her fault when they stopped working.

And Alex can relate. Christen listens to the stories about the transformative years Alex spent with Servando, an eleven year relationship that dissolved so quietly that when Alex realized, she couldn’t salvage anything. Stories about their fights, the distance, the acknowledgment that she wasn’t being treated the best, that she also didn’t treat him the same in return, how it was solidified when she put the LA house in only her name.

It's a long conversation, one that passes through the night. They hear their teammates return to their rooms, most likely drunk on celebratory booze and happiness, and yet they still have more to say.

And Christen is thankful to have a friendship like this one come into her life because it seems like they both needed it.

*/||\\*

The team has multiple press conferences in the morning. Christen's in a lot of them and with the newly minted top scorer plaque tucked into her bag, questions are directed at her more than usual. Questions on her impact since the year started, the Rio Olympics, her missed penalty, her training schedule, the team dynamic, etc. etc. etc.. 

She tries not to get too uncomfortable or start to fumble with her paper name plate as questions are thrown at her and it seems like all the eyes of the press are on her. Keeping her hands firmly in her lap and the encouraging smiles Alex throws at her and the jokes Megan makes have the whole experience going a lot smoother than she anticipated.

After they take what seems like hundreds of team shots, they are all carted over to watch the men’s gold medal final. They get spread into four boxes next to each other, more champagne delivered upon their arrival. 

Spain is playing Brazil and watching the young guys represent their countries is an experience. She can’t imagine being 22, still at Stanford and having the weighted expectation of winning an Olympic medal on her back, her mental capacity back then would have crumbled from the idea alone.

It’s a good game from the start and she tries to pay attention even as the box she’s in starts to get rowdy when Sonny and Kelley start trying to outdrink each other. Luckily, the cameras only pan to them once following the first whistle and she’s able to take the seventh Sapporo bottle out of Kelley’s hands with Julie’s help.

Spain wins 1-0 and the gold medal around her own neck weighs heavy as she watches the silver medals be placed around the young Brazilians. Most of them wouldn’t have another chance to compete, aging out of the U-23 restrictions. She hopes they are still proud, that they know they’ve made their country prouder. 

The closing ceremony is the following day and it’s late when they all pile onto the bus to take them back to the hotel following the game.

Her teammates are still energetic, singing and yelling at each other across the bus because they're gold medalists. It’s all still surreal and as she stares out at the passing lights of Tokyo city center, she hopes the feeling will last forever.

Or for at least just a little while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shorter chapter y'all, let me know what you think.
> 
> Also I hope everyone is taking time to check up on friends/family, educate themselves and others, take time to themselves and listen!


	7. October 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I heard that good things don't last a while,
> 
> Please don't be the one to leave first."
> 
> \- Jorja Smith, _Lost & Found_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a flashback, taking place before the first chapters of this story.

_The middle of October 2019_

The city's quiet after Rio Tinto cleared out following their last game against the Dash and Christen took some time to just sit and enjoy the silence. It had felt good, standing alone, taking the time to just enjoy a quiet moment in a place where usually a constant pitch of sound swayed back and forth. She had stayed out there for a while, long enough for the stadium staff to come over and let her know they were closing up.

Time and time again she had lost herself in her thoughts, and recently it sometimes felt like a constant battle of scenarios within her head. She's still struggling with how to make it all make sense, how to make it all work.

When she gets to the car Rachel is already there – obviously having been waiting for the extra, Christen checks her phone, hour and some change that she was sitting in the stadium. She opens the trunk, throwing her stuff in before moving to the passenger side and opening the door.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to make you wait.” Christen says, slipping into the car.

Rachel drops her phone into her lap then starts up the car. “It’s okay CP, did you figure out whatever it was that was bugging you?”

Christen hadn’t. Would she be able to figure it out in an hour? Untangle the ball of knots in her stomach that seemed to twist tighter and tighter with each passing day? It's a foreboding sensation, one that has been present now for months, and she just can’t seem to shake it.

“Yeah, I figured it out.”

The lie is any easy one. One in a list of many that she’s been putting out a lot recently. The “I’m okays”, the “I’ll handle it on my owns”, the “I’ve got its” have all been in a steady rotation and she feels like she’s been pretty convincing. At least the slight nod Rachel gives is enough confirmation as they head back to the apartment.

Kelley is a little bit harder to convince. Always staring at her long and hard, with eyes intense and a hand intertwined with her own that she squeezes…almost as if urging Christen to give it up. She never does.

Not since they got back from France.

Not since she got back from her trip to Mexico with Tobin.

It should be simple, easy. Their world champions, riding this impossible high, but now, alone with her thoughts, she feels like she’s shadowed by impossible lows.

When she looks in the mirror, she doesn’t recognize herself sometimes. Especially when Tobin isn’t there.

And that’s an issue right? You’re sense of identity being so tied to another person you don’t feel like yourself when they're not around. And then when they are, it’s almost like resentment.

The questions are constant now: “Where’s Tobin at these days?”, “When’s the wedding?”, “Why isn’t she here?”. And with each question, she feels like she’s fighting a battle within herself. A battle between being uncomfortable being without Tobin and the strong sense of urgency to reclaim her sense of self.

It’s difficult to understand sometimes, lying next to the woman she loves and wanting to be so close they're almost one then minutes later feeling altogether _too_ consumed.

“What time are you picking Tobin up tomorrow?” Rachel’s voice breaks the silence.

“Ten thirty.” She answers, ignoring the deep knot as it twists tighter again.

“Okay, I’ll make myself scarce for most of the day.” Rachel turns into the parking garage of their building. “But dinner is still on with Kelley right?”

“Yep.” She feels Rachel’s eyes on her but she disregards them, opting to quickly get out of the car and get her stuff.

Rest will help, give her some clarity. Although it hasn’t for the past few months, she doesn’t lose hope.

Tonight will be the night.

*/||\\*

The next morning she wakes early. Sleep barely clinging to her. She cleans the whole apartment, washes down her shower multiple times, pours enough cleaning solution in the toilet that her head starts to hurt from inhaling all the fumes. But she persists, painting her mirror in Windex, and then moving a paper towel across the reflection of her face over and over.

Maybe it will make it all clear?

She smooths the small creases out of her comforter, arranges the throw pillows across her bed, then folds her throw blanket at the foot of it.

Cleaning, organizing, perfectly arranging her home has always given her a sense of control. She’s done it here in Utah, she does it whenever she’s home in Portland, and their LA home has most certainly been spotless since they left.

But despite the air of freshness now surrounding her, she feels far from calm. It’s the anticipation that seems to set her off. She doesn’t know why today’s different. Why she’s feeling nervous to see her girlfriend after weeks apart. But she is also excited to see Tobin, but she can’t shake it all away. It’s been months of restlessness, of grief that hits her at the most arbitrary moments, months of feeling unlike herself.

Christen sees it in Tobin too.

She’s been painting more, covering their Portland apartment in tarps and large pieces of construction paper to complete her art. They’re also talking less, they blame it on their schedules but it's far from the truth. And she knows that her Mother’s passing isn't something she only grieves.

But Christen needs to see her, wants to be around her, because she feels like she’s on a precipice. And she's unsure if she needs to get talked down or if she needs to jump.

So many questions. So many non-answers.

But she knows. With everything so uncertain within herself, she still wants to see Tobin.

So when she pulls up to the airport, and she sees her, baggy sweatshirt with the hood pulled up over a low brim hat, backpack swung casually around one shoulder and her duffle sitting at her feet, a knot unfurls.

“Hey Chris.” Tobin says, leaning over for a quick hug and even quicker kiss once she gets in the car.

“Hi Tobs.”

She’s still idling in the pick up line but she doesn’t care. Doesn’t care about the mild smell of the airplane that clings to Tobin because she can still smell the Gucci cologne she got her for Christmas. She only cares that’s she’s there, sitting with her, and everything that’s been weighing on her mind can wait.

Christen finally moves to maneuver the car out of the airport, sliding her right hand over towards Tobin, who easily takes it, pulling it up towards her mouth to lay a kiss across her knuckles.

Tobin’s lips are slightly chapped and the contrast between the slight roughness and the softness of the gesture uncoils another knot in her stomach.

“How was your flight?”

“It was cool.” Tobin murmurs and leaves it there.

The rest of the ride back to her apartment is silent and when Christen opens the door Tobin doesn’t waste much time before pushing her back against it, lips easily fusing as their bodies come together.

“Is Rachel here?” The question is posed softly against the skin of Christen’s neck where Tobin is now paying the most attention.

“At Kelley’s.” She supplies, her hands easily pushing down the hood and knocking Tobin’s hat to the ground so she can pull Tobin in by the hair. She needs her closer, it’s maddening how quickly these needs change.

“Good,” Tobin pulls back and looks at her, eyes already dark, due to the weeks stretching and the time wasting. “I missed you.”

Christen just nods, pulling Tobin back in and opening up for her. And Christen continues to pull and pull and pull until they become one again.

But she feels parts of whole as they get reacquainted on top of the dresser in her room, in the shower, and then finally in her bed.

As Tobin dozes after what feels like the fifth or sixth go, Christen’s wide-awake.

Her body is tired but her mind moves quickly, the knots that loosened beginning to tighten again.

And all she thinks about is how Tobin didn’t notice that she cleaned.

*/||\\*

When they arrive at the Italian restaurant close to the apartment, Rachel and Kelley are already seated in one of the booths in the back. Kelley spots them just as they are approaching.

“Finally guys,” She says, feigning exasperation. “If I had to wait another minute I’d have eaten the napkins.”

“We’ve been here for literally five minutes.” Rachel says, rolling her eyes at Kelley as they sit down.

Kelley and Rachel greet Tobin then lob questions at her about Portland, about the playoffs coming up, about strategy and game plans. Christen's staring at the menu, interjecting when a question is thrown her way, but other than that she's half listening. 

Tobin leans over, “You want to share the eggplant lasagna?”

Christen shakes her head, eyes glued to the apple and pecan arugula salad on the menu. She’s never tried it before, the eggplant lasagna usually her go to, but she wants to try something new.

“I think I’ll get the arugula salad.” She says, closing the menu and looking at Tobin.

“You know you’re probably not even going to finish it.” Tobin supplies matter-a-factly and Christen just rolls her eyes.

“I’ll take it home, it’s fine.”

“Chris you don’t – “

“Tobin,” Her voice cuts, and she ignores Kelley’s raised eyebrow. “I said it’s fine.”

Tobin just shrugs, “Alright well, don’t be mad when I say I told you so when you don’t want to eat a soggy salad tomorrow.”

The conversation at the table picks up after they order but Christen can’t help but realize how that small interaction has changed her mood. She’s annoyed and it annoys her even more that it’s gotten under her skin.

Tobin’s ability to understand her, even with the most basic of things like their meals, used to fill her up with such a joyous sense of completeness. But now, _now_ she’s annoyed. Annoyed that her own decisions are questioned.

It’s such a remedial thing but suddenly she’s playing mental tennis with herself. She checks out of the conversation, focusing on her salad once it's placed in front of her, swallowing it down until there is really no use in packing it up to go. The small part of her triumphs over proving Tobin wrong, but the larger part, ego aside, feels the hard knot in the pit of her stomach squeezing tightly again.

Then Tobin looks over at her near empty bowl, “I guess you really stuck it to me huh?”

The words drift over Christen quietly and she glances up to see a serious looking Tobin. Christen can’t see any hint of playfulness in her eyes and Tobin turns back to Kelley and Rachel before Christen can say anything in return.

She feels the look make a sharp chink in her carefully crafted armor. 

Minutes later, bill settled and coats donned, they all walk back towards the apartment complex, her fingers gently clasped between Tobin’s own as they walk silently beside each other.

It’s still jarring, having her emotions change with the wind. She was ecstatic this morning, happy to be back in Tobin’s arms, satisfied when they made love over and over again. And then just as quickly she was sad and then annoyed at the restaurant, and now she’s confused but still trying to hold on.

What’s the matter with her?

Christen sighs, letting go of Tobin’s hand to wrap around her arm instead. She gets closer and burrows into Tobin’s side. She smells like she always does, like home, like Portland mixed with the shampoo sitting in Christen’s bathroom.

“I love you.” She murmurs, placing a soft kiss on Tobin’s cheek.

Tobin pulls her arm out of Christen’s hold to wrap it around her shoulders, pulling her closer, melding them so they can be one. Like they used to be.

“I love you too.”

Christen’s heart screams, because when did that stop being enough?

*/||\\*

The next afternoon they’re at the small coffee shop her and Kelley frequent. It’s tucked away and with winter starting to make itself known the roaring fireplace and deep leather couches have Tobin and Christen huddled up in one of the corners.

They spend hours there, working on re-inc business, downing Chai teas and black coffees, and sharing conversations quietly. They’ve been trying to coordinate when to go back to the LA house and decide it’s probably best right after national team camp and their November friendlies. She misses the beach, her Dad, their friends, the home they’ve grown in together and the feeling of contentment that coursed through her after they officially moved in.

When they get back to her apartment it’s late afternoon and she pulls out her folded boxes to start the repacking process so she can ship her clothes back to Portland for the off season.

She’s pulling clothes off the hangers in her closest and Tobin’s sitting on her bed watching her with a slight smile on her face.

“So you’re coming up Friday?”

“Saturday.” Christen corrects.

There are still so many things she needs to get in order and she has a shoot for the company in LA on Wednesday with Pinoe, so giving herself an extra day before going back to Portland would be for the best.

“I thought you said Friday.”

“I did at first, but I changed my flight because the re-inc shoot is going to push me back a day.”

“You didn’t tell me that.”

Christen turns to see Tobin sitting up in the bed. She looks aggravated and Christen doesn’t really understand why.

“I’m telling you now.”

Tobin mumbles something under her breath and Christen feels her own anger start to quietly simmer. She hates when Tobin does that, she hates when she has to pry and pry until she can get her girlfriend to tell her what’s wrong.

“What’s the big deal Tobin?” Christen asks. “I’ll be there for your game Sunday and then until camp.”

“You don’t have to come at all. It sounds like it’s such a burden.” Sarcasm drips from Tobin’s words and the simmer inside of her turns up to a boil.

Christen drops the shirt she’s folding and fully faces Tobin.

“What are you even talking about?”

There’s a second of silence that passes as they stare at each other.

“Nothing.” Tobin says, then gets up and moves out of her bedroom.

Christen should push. Press for answers because she really is trying to figure out why Tobin is so upset. But she doesn’t, instead she tries to quell the anger that so naturally ignited in her and tries to calmly continue packing up the boxes. She works methodically after that and it isn’t until she’s taping up the last box does Tobin walk back into the room.

“I’m sorry,” A beat. “I didn’t mean to snap at you like that.”

Christen nods then shrugs. It feels normal now, how quickly their little bubble of happiness could burst. “It’s okay.”

It had been like this for the last couple of months, hard bouts of silence followed by half apologies. Christen has no idea how they got here. How so many things can change with no way of going back and changing anything. She wishes she could, just go back to July. But even in July, the World Cup crowded their minds, their hearts, leaving no time for anything else.

Their fights have always been difficult for her to process, because sometimes she feels like she’s fighting with herself. Waiting for Tobin to say anything, just one thing that could make sense of what had changed. Why she feels this gaping hole inside of her when Tobin's away, which then doubles in size some nights she sleeps next to her.

They move into the living room and sit down on the couch. Pulling over her laptop Christen starts the long process of responding to messages. She clicks an email thread with all the re-inc staff about some of the creative art pieces Tobin’s designing for a shoot right before they go off to national team camp.

“Do you know when you’ll be done with the pieces for the shoot in November?”

Tobin shrugs not looking up from her phone.

“Tobin?”

“What Chris?”

“Jess is asking when you’ll be finished with the pieces, check your email.” 

Tobin lets out a long sound of irritation, then drops her phone. “I feel like you’re my boss Christen, let me just do it on my own time.”

Christen visibly recoils, again grasping at the threads of the conversation that led to this sudden change.

“I’m not trying to be your boss, I’m just asking when you think it’ll be done.”

It's a simple question, right? And she knows she's not her boss, they're business partners and although Christen has the title of CEO she's never exercised the parts of that position to create any type of power dynamic. But Christen knows that Tobin knows that. They all had the conversation with Megan and Pinoe when they were starting the company.

So again, confusion and sadness cloud Christen's mind because every conversation shouldn't have the undertones of a spark that could set either of them off.

“Well I’m not done yet,” Tobin sighs again then gives her a look. “But when I am, I’ll be sure to let you know.”

The sarcasm cuts easily across her and Christen tries to not let it tip her over. She tries not to let the confusion and anger from just minutes earlier combine with what she's feeling now. But a hard chill centers itself deep in her chest. When she takes a breath in she feels it, knots tightening and tightening.

“Tobin, what is going on?”

She watches her girlfriend sit back, eyes straight ahead.

“You tell me.” Tobin says. “Tell me what’s been on your mind for the last two months.”

Christen waits a few seconds, eyes moving quickly over Tobin's form. She then closes her laptop, depositing it on her coffee table before closing her eyes. Thoughts are swirling and swirling. She hopes Tobin’s really willing to listen and have this conversation because honest is all she can be right now.

“I just don’t feel like myself anymore.” She starts, eyes moving around the room before settling down on her hands. “I feel like you’re my everything and I’ve lost what it feels like to put my everything into myself.”

Christen glances up, Tobin's eyes still staring straight ahead but she opens her mouth a couple of times then closes it as if the next words won't come. Tobin then just leans back, her eyes staring up at the ceiling. 

“You’re my everything too though Chris?” Tobin says it so softly it sounds like it hurts. “Don’t you see that?”

And she does...sometimes. But she also sees that Tobin's hurting and it's difficult trying to put someone back together when you're broken yourself. 

“But Tobin I feel these impossible lows when you’re not here.” Christen pushes on despite the hard roll of Tobin’s shoulders at her words. “And then when you are I feel such resentment towards you because I recognize the difference in myself.”

Tobin sits up, finally turning to look her way, eyes blazing and agonizing. 

“Don’t you think I feel the same way? Don’t you think I want to go places alone and not get asked about you all the time? Don’t you think I want to be comfortable when you’re not around? I do Christen, I want all those things too.”

Another chink to her armor when the words settle. It hurts more than she initially thought it would, hearing how Tobin wished to be an individual too. But it proves her point.

“We should be able to stand on our own Tobin, don’t you think?”

Tobin doesn’t respond instead just pushing a hand through her hair in agitation. 

“And we argue all the time Tobin. We fight to hurt each other now, not to understand each other." Christen continues, trying to keep her voice from cracking. "You cut me so deep sometimes and it’ll be something so small.”

“You haven’t exactly been a saint.” Tobin steals and Christen feels the anger and sadness increase but she swallows it back down. She needs to finish. 

“I never said that I was. I know I haven’t been the best in this relationship these last few months, and for that I'm sorry.” Christen takes a deep breath feeling tears at the corners of her eyes. “But I feel like I’m going crazy sometimes.”

Tobin shakes her head, eyes resigned. 

“What are we doing Chris?”

“I don’t know anymore.” She takes a breath because she can feel the harsh cold spread and surround them. “That’s the problem Tobin.”

Tobin leans forward, her elbows resting on her knees and her eyes look so lost as they meet Christen's green ones. 

“Do you want to be with me? Do you still want to marry me? What does this all mean Chris?” Tobin asks the questions slowly like she’s trying to answer them herself.

Two years ago she knew the answers to all those questions. Now she doesn’t. Now she isn’t sure and right now that’s the most alarming thing. That’s what has the warning bells ringing the loudest. She just doesn’t know anymore.

Christen turns to fully face Tobin and the other woman looks distraught now after her own words, her hands are deep in her hair and she’s staring down at the floor.

They’re still hurting each other, a conversation of honesty, meant for healing, is doing the exact opposite. And Christen doesn't know what they can do to fix it.

“I don’t know Tobin.” She’s been saying that a lot, but it’s the truth. “Do you know?”

Tobin’s silent but she shakes her head slowly in an answer and she looks so defeated that Christen just wants to reach out, reassure her, but she can't. They’ve lost themselves in this relationship that much is evident.

“I hope we both figure it out.” Tobin says with finality and Christen can't catch the tears that drop from her own eyes.

This feels like they're breaking up, all the words being said except the ones that will make it true. She didn't know she wanted that but she can't deny the thought has been on repeat in her head for weeks. But she's thirty years old and struggling with her sense of identity and she's gotten so lost in Tobin and Tobin so lost in her that they're in a constant battle trying to re-establish themselves.

So yes, they need to both figure it out, albeit alone. 

Tobin stands up slowly, “I guess that’s it then.”

The words hit so hard when spoken out loud, because thinking about ending things and actually doing so are completely different. The house of cards they carefully built for five years now crumbling.

“I guess so.” Christen replies, heart breaking at the admission. 

Tobin drops her head and Christen sees the tears Tobin tries to hide before moving into the hallway towards Christen’s bedroom.

Christen doesn’t follow. Because what more was there to say? They both need time. It pains her because no matter how hard she tries she still feels so out of sorts. And she doesn’t want to feel that way, she just wants to be. Be comfortable, be happy, be okay on her own. She wouldn’t be able to be the partner Tobin deserved if she's her crutch and Tobin was hers.

She has no concept of time because her energy has completely depleted. Mentally, emotionally, physically - it's all so taxing. So when there’s movement as Tobin comes out of her bedroom and around the corner of the hallway, two minutes or twenty could have passed.

Christen urges her eyes up then stills. Tobin has her weekend bag in hand and hat on low so it shields her eyes.

“Where are you going?”

“I can’t be here.”

Where was she going to go? To Kelley’s, to a hotel? Leaving made it real and despite it all Christen can't help but grasp at the last straws. 

“Okay, but at least let me – “ Christen tries.

“I can do it,” Tobin says succinctly, not articulating any more what it is she's actually planning. “Isn’t that the point?”

Christen’s heart, or what's left of it, shrivels at the words. They’re hurting each other again and it causes her to quiet. There’s no fight left now.

She turns her head to stare at the space that Tobin was occupying on the couch because she doesn't think she can bear watching her go. Not like this.

There’s a pause and Christen hopes that Tobin might reconsider. But she doesn’t look to check.

And when the door opens and then closes with a soft click, she’s glad she didn’t watch her walk out.

Christen doesn’t get up, no need to give chase when she feels so tired. Exhausted really. Nothing seems to be working anymore, her thoughts are so jumbled, it feels like there are a multitude of sounds, but no clear words so nothing makes sense.

Are you supposed to just walk out on forever? Are you supposed to not even chase after the thought it?

She doesn’t get an answer to her silent questions as her mind whirls. And she just stares and stares and stares at the empty space next to her.

Again, minutes or hours pass and Christen doesn’t register that someone else is in her apartment until Rachel’s face swims in her line of sight.

She’s not in focus and it startles Christen that she’s still crying, making her roommate distorted in front of her.

And it looks like Rachel is speaking, her mouth is moving but Christen can’t hear anything. She hears the sounds in her head get louder, drowning out whatever is being said. She can’t think clearly but she feels it. Feels the void growing and growing with the longer Tobin’s absent.

She's gone and they're done, just like that.

Why today? Why those conversations? Why that small argument, a fight that was so mild in comparison to some others? 

What made it so different? 

She knows the answer but she doesn't want to admit it to herself. She doesn't want to say that what was different was _her_. 

“Christen, Christen,” Kelley's voice breaks through. Had she always been there? 

"Christen, I need you to look at me." Kelley's voice is rough and Christen moves to look up. Everything seems so harsh now, and she never meant for it to be.

“Yeah, look at me Chris, that’s good.” Kelley’s eyes are bright, but she looks scared. She did that, caused that. Just like she made Tobin leave.

“Breathe with me,” Kelley counts off and Christen tries to follow Kelley in front of her and slowly she feels herself calming down.

“Tell me what happened.” Kelley says, once the sounds in Christen's head are just at a low rumble.

“I – “ she starts and the words get stuck. She tries again.

“She left.”

The look on Kelley’s face is one of surprise, and she looks back at Rachel who just shrugs before turning back towards her. “Where’d she go?”

“I don’t know.” Her own voice sounds so quiet, so helpless.

Tobin left and it was different, so different. They aren’t in Portland or LA, where the streets are familiar to her girlfr-, ex-girlfriend she corrects in her mind, so if she wanders she can figure it all out. She’s in Utah and Christen has no idea where Tobin would even go. Goodness, she should have went after her. 

Her face must look terrified because Kelley is wrapping her in a tight hug and whispering reassuringly. 

"It's okay Chris, I'll find her okay." 

She nods then lets Kelley and Rachel pull her to her feet and they lead her to her room. She moves onto the bed, curling into a tight ball. The knots in her stomach are so tight, she feels like bile will rise up at any second. She hears Kelley and Rachel speaking quietly to each other and then the bed dips and Rachel's pulling her into her chest. 

Christen just keeps her eyes tightly closed and waits. She waits for something, anything to confirm they made the right decision - but nothing comes.

A couple of minutes later, the bed dips again at her back and she knows Kelley was probably away trying to find Tobin. 

“Where is she?” She questions. 

Kelley wraps an arm around her waist, pulling her into the warmth she’s going to be missing now. She feels Kelley shaking and when Christen glances over her shoulder she can see the anger in Kelley's eyes, and the sadness tingling around the edges.

“She’s on a flight back to Portland Chris, I’m sorry.”

The knots in her stomach squeeze, bile rising until suddenly she can’t breathe. A metaphorical door slams shut, and she's lost. 

She feels Kelley at her back and Rachel pulling her tightly against her front and she’s suffocating. She pushes them back and climbs over Kelley to jump off her bed and rush to the bathroom.

Her insides spill into the toilet bowl and she can’t help but stare through watery eyes. She wonders if that's what a knot looks like once it’s free?

Tobin’s gone, back to Portland, back home and this time without a word. Without a semblance of fight left, just like Christen herself.

She leans over again, her throat burning and head pounding. After dry heaving for a couple of seconds she takes a steadying breath before standing and turning to the sink to splash cold water on her face.

When she looks up, the tears are gone, tracks of water washing them away. She stares at herself for a long minute, and although the mirror is intact, she looks broken.

“Christen?” She looks to her right and Kelley’s standing there. She looks angry still and so concerned it reminds her of college.

She doesn’t speak, unsure if she even can. But when Kelley offers her hand, she clasps it and lets her friend lead her back to the bed.

When she lays down Kelley and Rachel envelope her again, cocooning around her and she doesn't feel like she's suffocating anymore, instead she feels protected.

Her stomach isn’t as heavy, her throat not as tight, and maybe it's for the best if she searches for meaning alone.

Another knot unspools and drifts away, and Christen doesn’t remember when the world goes dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what y'all think.
> 
> I hope we are all still taking this time to educate, donate, listen, and learn. Keep it going! Also please, please, please vote!


	8. October 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I need you to go now, I can fix my own crown."
> 
> \- Jhene Aiko, _B.S._

_The end of October_

There is one thing Alex is sure about; one thing that she’s positive never was actually mentioned in any conversation she had before she officially decided to continue with her plans to move to LA, opt out of her contract with the Pride, and separate from Servando.

Alex knows that the knowledge would not have changed any of her decisions, but at least she could have been somewhat prepared because _fuck_ , divorce is a long fucking process.

And coupled with moving across country alone, sometimes it felt like she was being pulled in ten different directions. At least moving is somewhat fun, both keep her busy though.

It’s constant phone calls with her agent, who is updating her on contracts and endorsements, the contactor, who is in the process of finishing up remodeling the last two guest bathrooms in her new place, and her attorney, who does what attorneys do and that’s talk and charge you for every word.

The actual meetings are the worst. Granted her attorney, a real no-nonsense woman named Felicity, made the process run smoothly but there was nothing like sitting down with basically a stranger and listing out the monetary value of everything she owns, all her debts – shared and otherwise, her income and then etching out the last ten years of her life so a case can be constructed that in the end benefits only her.

She didn’t know that when she handed Servando the envelope with the divorce papers a couple weeks before she left for the Olympics that it would be like this. Now, she’s three and a half months in and feeling like she’s down to agree with just about anything so she can move on.

It took three lunch meetings to go over everything with Felicity and Alex left exhausted following each one. The actual divorce settlement meeting with Servando and his lawyer wasn’t until next month, since the added complication of him having to fly down from Chicago after the Galaxy traded him right before their season ended had Alex agreeing to push the meeting back. But with all that in mind, then having to go home to a barely unpacked home, the echo in the different empty spaces made her even more tired.

Luckily, Christen was only a thirty minute drive away and for the first couple weeks Alex often found herself sitting on the large couch in her living room, Blue following Christen around while the older woman moved easily throughout her home, unpacking here and there, singing along to the music blasting through the built in speakers and then yelling across the house asking Alex’s opinion on things.

It made the evenings less lonely, having a friend there who didn’t constantly ask Alex how she was doing and instead made her focus on another daunting task at hand – moving.

The divorce process was some heavy shit but at least she didn’t have to carry all her actual shit into her new place. When she had arrived to her new house a month ago she was surprised by how much it had changed since she first viewed it.

After her offer was accepted, special thanks to Hugh, she had started the process of remodeling. Her Dad knew a couple of different contractors so Alex didn’t even have to fly out to get the whole thing started. Christen had been the main one to check up on the different projects, receive some of the new furniture she ordered and was there with her parents to meet two of the moving trucks that had arrived with pieces of her life in Orlando.

Her Mom had FaceTimed her and Alex watched about fifteen people, including her movers, lug all her stuff into her new home. She saw her brother in law, a couple of LAFC guys, and then some people she didn’t recognize who were Christen’s friends.

The first weekend after she had officially moved to LA, she met said people that Christen commandeered to help when Christen invited her over to her neighbor’s place for a BBQ. The Crafts were hilarious and since then Makayla and Paula had been over to help with some decorating.

It was nice, to not feel so disconnected in her large home and she was so fucking thankful that Christen had no problem jumping in and helping her. Plus, it took just two weeks for her friend and her mother to become thick as thieves, which would be annoying since her Mom had become so overwhelmingly worried about Alex since she had told her about her decision to end her marriage.

But instead of blowing her phone up about how she was fairing, her Mom and Christen were going to home décor stores every day, texting her pictures of art and side tables, and she won’t even mention when Kelley went out to visit and the three of them ran rampant around Venice.

It had been good to know everything was taken care of in LA, but leaving Orlando had been harder than she thought.

When Alex had finally finished packing up the last pieces of the house in Orlando, her truck strapped onto the transporter and the movers just leaving after loading everything up in the semi-truck that would be meeting her in LA in a week, she had sat down in the middle of the empty living room and sighed. Blue pattered up to her, the sound of his paws scratching against the hardwood more pronounced with nothing in the room. He dropped his head on her outstretched leg and for an hour she just sat like that.

It had been her first house, the first place she had owned and now she was resigned to the fact that it was something she would offer Serv to take in the end. Blue she wouldn’t give up though, the number one guy in her life now, forever loyal.

Syd had picked her up shortly after, and she loaded her small bag and Blue’s crate in the car. The goodbye party she had with the team at Syd’s was filled with tears and enough laughter that she was knocked out before midnight and then the next morning she was on a plane and getting picked up by her Mom and Jen at LAX.

Christen met them at her house and when she got out of the car, she couldn’t contain the excited gasp she let out upon seeing the completed exterior wall, fit with large hedges. She could no long see into the windows of her place from the street and the semblance of privacy that she had been scared to miss was restored.

The inside still had a lot of work, obviously, since she hadn’t been there but her family and Christen had basically done the hardest part. Now it was left up to her to organize.

So now here she is a little over a month later with still full boxes scattered around the place, two bathrooms in the midst of remodel and some home décor pieces still in their wrappings. But it was coming together, slowly but surely, and starting to feel like the home she would be in for most of her life – even if it meant alone.

*/||\\*

If you had to ask, Alex would say she was handling things pretty well, but it could be because she knew her marriage was over two years ago. The hard part was being okay with the realization because actually deciding to end it was almost a relief. After a couple of half-assed attempts in couple’s therapy and fights that left her so pissed off she had to run herself into the ground she was glad to have come to accept that her first love didn’t last.

Luckily, her house project gives her something to focus on and her new contract and team has given her something to be excited about – because fucking finally!

Her agent had called her yesterday to tell her to stay by her phone as she would be getting a really important call from one Mia Hamm. The league had announced another expansion at the end of August, with two more teams being added, a NY team and an LAFC women’s side. Everyone had been buzzing with the news and Alex won’t admit that she checked her phone every few seconds and then waited two beats when Mia did finally call.

The conversation had been somewhat long and Alex tried to be super professional but she had let out an excited shriek when Mia told her the next person on her call list was Christen. They talked more about team logistics and contracts and then when they finally hung up Alex couldn’t believe it. She knew it was coming but damn did it feel even better to hear it.

Her excitement had been building by the second after that and she had to fight the urge to call Christen multiple times last night. She knew Mia would be calling her the next day and they already had plans to hang out. But patience had always been a difficult thing for her.

So here she is bouncing on the balls of her feet and stirring the mixture she has in a large ceramic bowl. She’s baking, something she actually enjoys doing now that she has the industrial kitchen and the light pouring in from the California sun hitting the kitchen island just right.

Christen’s set to come over in a couple of hours and the anticipation is killing Alex. So when she finally gets her baking pan in the oven she bites and picks up her phone. She should probably wait; because what if Christen then misses the call talking to her instead?

Alex presses the call button anyway.

When Christen answers she sounds entirely too relaxed.

“Alex? Hey.”

“Hey Chris, you still with Jack?” Jack being Jacquelyn Kinsey, Christen’s agent.

“No, just getting in the car to head home. She was being super odd, odder than usual – and that’s saying a lot” Christen laughs and then continues, “She literally just rushed through our lunch and pushed me out of the restaurant saying she needed to go somewhere. I didn’t even finish my salad, I had to pack it to go.” She sounds slightly sad but then Christen lets out a light laugh and Alex tries to contain her bubbling enthusiasm.

It’s possible Jack got some type of confirmation of the call coming and didn’t want Christen in the middle of some restaurant when she got the call, instead hoping she’d get home before Mia called.

“Alex are you there?”

“Yeah, sorry – just spaced out.”

There’s a comfortable beat of silence that descends and Alex can hear the sound of Christen maneuvering her car on the LA streets.

“Al can I call you right back? There’s a call on the other line.”

“Yeah sure.”

“Okay, I’ll see you at six.” Christen says before ending the call and Alex drums her hands on her counter.

It had to be Mia, and finally Christen was getting what she deserved – a team that centered around and complimented her talent. Yeah, she was on the team, but after their Olympic performance and their earlier 2020 games it was easy for Alex to admit Christen carried them and now it would be foolish not to try to put them together up top.

Plus, LA is Christen's home and the men’s side all but embraced Christen as the person they would inevitably build a women’s team around when the investors finally put their money up to do it. Alex knows that she deserves to finally be comfortable on a team and comfortable in a city.

The woman had undoubtedly become one of Alex’s closest friends in the last year. Alex had seen the pain in her, long before her and Tobin actually broke up, and with her mother passing it was like Christen was drowning. But Christen had Kelley, had Pinoe, had Tobin and other people on the team who were much closer to her than Alex had been.

But then Tobin had approached her at camp last November almost pleading to switch seats with her. Alex had never seen her usually calm friend that distraught and when she sat down next to Christen she knew something big had happened.

Tobin had always been tight lipped about all of her relationships but Christen had been different. And the next week when Tobin called her and told her they were done she felt like an axis had tipped. But at the time she had been too self-absorbed with her own failing relationship to understand the gravity of the situation.

Then Olympic qualifying camp happened, and no matter how hard Christen tried to hide it, Alex recognized the almost stoic suffering in her roommate. To Christen’s credit she had tried to hold it in around the team but in the confines of their room she let her façade slip. And Alex recognized it because she had felt like that, is still feeling like that.

In the time since, she’s become fiercely protective of Christen, joining Kelley like it was the easiest thing in the world to do.

She of course is still close to Tobin. But how Tobin was dealing with their break-up was something her and Allie were having a difficult time understanding. Something next week, her, Allie, and Kelley would most likely address when they all were in Seattle for Allie’s belated birthday celebration.

But regardless, it had almost been a year and Christen is easily one of Alex’s best friends. It’s crazy really, since they’re so different, but it works. And it was amazing to see how much Christen had come into her own in the last year. She was lighter, happier, more comfortable and it was a great thing for Alex to see. She hopes she can get there too, but she knows it’ll take time.

Though Alex is only slightly embarrassed for what happened the day they won the gold medal, dropping that divorce bomb on her friend after their gold medal party. But she couldn’t hold it in any longer and telling someone who wasn’t so rooted in her relationship helped the words flow unguarded. If anything, her and Christen got even closer, developed a deeper understanding.

Break-ups fucking sucked and it helped to share the hurt with someone else, it helped to hear advice about healing from someone going through it too.

Alex doesn’t realize that she’s pacing until her phone rings on the counter top. It startles her and she almost drops it when she picks it up, but luckily she still has the reflexes of a puma cat and she’s saves it before it tumbles to the ground and she has to shell out another grand for a replacement.

When Alex sees that it’s Christen she answers quickly, but she doesn’t even get to throw out a greeting.

“I’m coming over.” Christen voices and then promptly hangs up.

Twenty minutes later, her alarm beeps twice, signaling that the garage door was opened. Alex walks down the hallway, moving towards the back of the house and sees Christen round the corner from the mud room, some type of plant in her hand and a determined look in her eyes.

Shouldn’t she look happier? Alex thought she’d look happier.

She stops as Christen gets close, “Hey – “

“You jerk!” Christen slaps Alex on the shoulder with her free hand.

“What the hell?” Alex rubs at her arm and dodges another swat coming her way.

Christen doesn’t attempt to hit her again and instead places her hands on her hips, but the usual intimidation tactic loses some steam since she’s still holding a plant.

“Why didn’t you tell me that Mia was calling me?” Christen questions and Alex can see the beginnings of a smile take hold across her friend’s face.

Alex can’t help but let her own smile grow. “What’d she say?”

“You know exactly what she said.” Christen’s full on grinning now and Alex’s excitement is back tenfold.

“Yeah but I want to hear you say it.”

Christen waits a beat but not a second longer.

“You’re looking at the newest member of LAFC’s women’s team!” Christen shouts her hands raising and Alex can’t help the scream she lets out.

They hug for a couple of seconds then are just jumping up and down yelling unintelligible words at each other.

“I can’t believe it.” Christen says once they finally calm down, and she honestly looks surprised.

“I told you it would happen.”

“Yeah but, getting something you’ve always wanted always feels unbelievable.”

Alex smiles and then hears the timer on the oven go off.

“You got here just in time.” She says turning back down the hallway, Christen easily following. “What’s with the plant?”

“Oh,” Christen lets out, as if remembering she had been holding it the whole time. “I got you a Pilea, I saw it at the nursery next to the restaurant I was at with Jack. I thought it would be cute on your windowsill next to the French doors.”

“Thank you,” Alex says, already knowing that the greenery in her house was surely not going to stop growing if every time Christen came over she had a potted plant. But it added life to the space and Alex was thankful for it.

Once they get back to the kitchen Christen stops and takes a deep breath in.

“It smells so good in here.” Christen places the plant where she envisioned it and Alex admits it does look nice. “What are you making?”

Alex dons her oven mitts then pulls out the cake from the oven and turns back to Christen.

“I made you a cake,” She shrugs and pulls off the mitts. “To thank you for helping me with my move and to celebrate the fact that LAFC is about to be the best team in the league next year.”

Christen laughs and her smile seems to grow even larger as she moves towards the island.

“It smells like –“

“I attempted to make that coffee cake you always get at Bohemian House,” Alex cuts her off before she figures it out. “I’d say for a first go, it looks alright.”

She examines the top and knows that it won’t be until she cuts into it if it’s really any good. When Alex looks up she catches Christen’s eye.

They stare at each other for a few moments, there is an almost shy regard between them that confuses Alex and before she can read more into it Christen breaks eye contact to look down at the coffee cake. 

“Was the recipe online?” 

“No, I got that barista, Noelle,” Alex levels Christen with a smirk. “You know the one who always flirts with you?” 

Christen rolls her eyes. “She doesn’t always flirt with me.” 

“She literally draws hearts on your cup when we get coffees to-go and when we sit down she brings your drink over.”

“She carries yours too.” 

“Yeah she’s trying to get in good with your friends Chris. Which she most definitely has," Alex chuckles. "She wrote down the recipe for me.” 

Christen hums, pulling out a fork and knife from one of the drawers then pointing at the cake.

“Well thank you for making it, may I?

“No, I just want you to stare at it.” 

“Shut up,” Christen retorts before cutting out a piece and digging in.

Alex can’t help but be slightly nervous, she didn’t even get to try it before Christen arrived. But when Christen closes her eyes and lets out a sound of contentment Alex lets out a sigh of relief. 

“I think it’s even better than the one’s there.”

Alex can’t keep the smirk off her face. “Don’t let Noelle hear that.”

“Not every woman who speaks to me likes me.” Christen says, giving Alex a look.

Alex just shrugs, not bothering to disagree, and cuts herself a piece of the cake too. 

There was no use adding that Noelle’s bright smile had dimmed a bit when Alex walked into the coffee shop alone that morning and then was all but washed away when Alex informed her she was planning on making the coffee cake for Christen instead of buying a piece. There was no use trying to clear up whatever Noelle thought or assumed about their relationship. Alex wasn’t going to add insult to injury by giving the girl false hope. Christen barely batted an eye at the girl other than giving a thanks. But Christen was so freaking sincere her kindness tended to be misconstrued as romantic interest. And sadly for Noelle, Alex had spent enough time with Christen in the last month to see she kind of had a type.

Her eyes trailed and lingered a little too long on certain people, and she blushed when others complimented her, but they all kind of had a look. Intriguing but not too mysterious, confident but not unapproachable, and of course they were good looking, usually dark hair but there was that blonde surfer chick who had retrieved their volleyball when it rolled into the waves last weekend when they were playing at the beach. 

Alex decides to push a little bit.

“Well what about Sophia?”

Christen looks up. “What about Sophia?”

“Are you finally going to take a chance and go on an actual date?” 

“I – “

“And don’t say you’re not ready. You were about ready to let that Victoria Secret model jump your bones at that Revolve party last weekend.” 

Alex had to admit, the girl was hot. She was a model for crying out loud and she had seen the looks she was sending her friend. So when both of their drinks were empty and Christen asked if she wanted another, she promptly said yes and watched as her friend got chatted up at the bar.

She thought for sure Christen would maybe at least get the girl’s number, from even Alex’s vantage point she could tell they were flirting, but Christen returned, two refilled drinks in hand, and no new contact information. But she could tell Chris was into it, from the looks she threw over her shoulder for the rest of the night, she was definitely into it. Mal and Rose, who were visiting for the weekend, also didn't let up trying to push Christen back over to the bar when they returned from the dance floor and Alex filled them in. 

Still Christen looks slightly off put, but not upset. “I don’t know. We’ve been talking a lot, but she hasn’t asked me out. I don’t even know if she’s actually interested.”

“That’s why you ask her out. Trust me she won’t say no.”

Alex isn’t exactly the expert when it comes to giving out stellar dating advice given she’s about to be a divorcee, but what were friends for. Christen doesn't look too convinced though.

“Look Chris, you’re hot, you have a good career, a shit ton of money, and a good heart. Now, Sophia is a catch yes, but so are you.”

Christen just shakes her head but a soft smile is on her face as she levels another look at Alex. 

“Wow, you’ve really taken these pep talks to the next level.” 

“It’s definitely the divorce and my mom talking.” 

"How are you feeling about it?"

"About what? The divorce or my mom?"

"Al." Christen replies, not falling for the question. 

Alex sighs and rubs her temples. “I just want it to be over, it honestly sucks so bad. As if the whole act of ending our relationship wasn’t bad enough, having to have conversations about who gets what and what the value is on us is something I don't exactly enjoy.” 

Words like alimony and spousal support were in her regular conversations with her lawyer. She was the one with the largest income between the two of them, and she had no issue providing but goodness the conversations about it were taxing.

The summer had given her enough clarity and courage to finally give him back her rings and give him the divorce papers. And she had foolishly thought that was the hardest part, but she had been wrong. 

Christen grabs the pan of coffee cake and tilts her head towards the living room. 

"Come on, let's watch _Iron Chef_ and get you to finally relax." 

"I am relaxed." Alex retorts, but nonetheless follows. 

Her Mom calls somewhere in the middle of the third episode.

“Hey Mom.” 

“Hi honey, how are you?” Alex hears a lot of noice in the background so she knows her Mom must be out somewhere and she has an inkling of why she's called. 

“Good, just at home. What’s up?”

“Oh, I can’t check in on my daughter every once in a while?”

Her Mom had literally talked her ear off this morning on the way to Bohemian House and not much had changed in five hours. 

“Is Christen over?”

“Yeah, she’s right here.”

“Put her on,” Alex hands the phone to Christen who takes it with a smile.

“Hi Pam.”

Alex grabs the remote, turning it down slightly as Christen and her Mom start talking. They'd probably be going at it for a while and not to mention the big news of the team that Alex knows her Mom will no doubt act surprised about when Christen finally tells her.

She turns her attention back to the television, her shoulders dropping and her body melting into the cushions. Maybe she had been pretty tense. 

A couple hours later they’re down at the beach with a large group of friends Alex now knows will become her family here in Los Angeles. It’s crazy how quickly she feels like she’s exactly where is meant to be, sitting in the sand by a bonfire watching the sun dip into the Pacific Ocean.

It's starting to feel a lot like home.

*/||\\*

The Seattle nightlife scene is alive and well once they step into the dark bar that Allie and Tobin had praised before they left Allie’s. It’s larger than it looks on the outside but it’s still smoky as hell, fit with mounted TVs along the bar, darts and a pool table in the back corner, and enough spilled alcohol on the ground for Alex’s shoes to stick every couple of steps.

It’s as divey of a bar as Seattle probably has to offer.

“Fix your face.” Kelley says to Alex with a laugh.

Alex just rolls her eyes but does try to at least look a little less disgusted as they follow Allie and Tobin towards a booth that a group of guys have just vacated.

Hell, one month back in LA and she’s already acting pretentious. She’ll have to blame Christen for it once she talks to her, the wine bars and upscale lounges in Manhattan Beach that Christen and her friends frequent have set Alex’s expectations too high already.

Tobin’s on drink duty first so she quickly moves towards the bar once they get around the table.

Alex sits down next to Allie as she scoots into the booth then swipes the peanut shells off the table with a quick flick of her wrist.

Kelley lets out a full belly laugh across from her and Allie just rubs at Alex’s shoulder.

“Come on Al, this place is awesome, just like old times.”

“She’s been hanging out with Chris and Franny too much,” Kelley says. “She’s used to chandeliers and marble floors now that she’s turned thirty-one.”

Allie hums and smiles. “If I remember correctly, your birthday was spent with your head in a toilet in an establishment much similar to this.”

Alex just shakes her head, there was no use lying about where she’d been going out for the last couple weeks with her friends or getting into what happened on her birthday. She’ll just say they don’t call it dirty thirties for nothing.

“Whatever, once I start drinking I won’t care what this place looks like.”

“Atta girl, Janice!” Kelley sends Alex two thumbs up. 

“We are here to celebrate your birthday anyway Allie.” Alex responds. Even though it was over a month ago, they hadn’t all been able to make it up to Seattle.

“Damn right,” Allie bangs her hand on the table and then they delve into conversation about their plans for next two days.

Tobin returns with her hands full, distributing a beer for Kelley and herself, then two Jameson and ginger ales for her and Allie.

“Hold on,” Tobin says quickly, then turns around and pushes through the crowd around the bar only to emerge seconds later hands full of shots.

“It’s whiskey, ladies.”

They all grab one and Allie clears her throat raising her glass.

“To Alex forgetting about how much she used to love places like this.”

“This place is great!” Tobin says, looking almost appalled at Alex.

Alex just ignores them and instead speaks up.

“To Allie, happy belated birthday you menace.”

“Here, here.” Kelley pipes in and then they all clink their glasses together and down the shots.

It honestly won't take Alex long to get drunk, her tolerance was never really high, even in college, and she could never really keep up with Kelley and Tobin when it came to drinking. But at least she had Allie, who hit tipsy after two drinks.

Once the drinks start flowing, laughter and loud conversations ensue and they’ve each made a trip up to the bar for a refill. It’s Kelley’s turn again and Allie’s over by the front entrance on the phone with Bati.

Tobin’s pushing her empty glass back and forth between her hands and Alex is trying to figure out if the look on her face is from the alcohol or from something else.

“How’s Chris doing?” Tobin breaks, eyes still firmly set on the glass in between her hands.

Definitely something else. Alex had been sure the questions would come, her and Kelley both had expected it, but the look on Tobin’s face gives her pause. Something is off, and Alex thinks she knows what it is, but she’s unsure if Tobin will ever admit to it.

Alex decides to play hardball.

“You talk to her don’t you?” 

Tobin looks up at her and nods. “Yeah, but I want to know how she _really_ is.”

Alex holds back the immediate urge to roll her eyes; because what did that even mean? Tobin treats Christen like this taboo topic, even though they talk multiple times a week and Alex knows Christen considers Tobin a friend. And she knows that Tobin isn’t really asking _how_ Christen’s doing. If she unscrambled the word how she could easily figure out what Tobin really wanted to know.

But it isn’t Alex’s place to tell Christen’s business. No matter her friendship with either of them.

It does annoy her though, Tobin’s inability to be straight forward and just ask Christen. Her inability to come to terms with the fact that she’s not over her ex even though Christen might be moving on. Her inability to heal without it meaning she had to sleep with other people.

All of it annoyed her, and with the alcohol burning through her and the way Tobin shifted under her stare she knew it was obvious.

Suddenly, Kelley drops another round of shots on the table between them and slides in next to Tobin.

“I bought shots instead, Allie’s still over there talking to the hubby and I think she’s talking about meeting up with him and his friends at another bar.”

Alex glances up and sure enough Allie still has her phone pressed tightly to her ear, hand covering her mouth, as she no doubt speaks quickly to her husband.

When Alex looks back down Kelley is looking between her and Tobin probably picking up on the uncomfortable energy that had settled between them.

“What’re we talking about?” Kelley asks, looking at Alex questioningly.

Alex just shrugs looking at Tobin who sits up a little taller then.

“We were talking about how Christen’s doing.”

Kelley all but grimaces then gives Alex another look before focusing on Tobin. “Uh, she’s good I’m assuming.”

“She’s good.” Alex reaffirms and Kelley must get Alex’s decision to just go for broke.

“She’s actually how she probably told you dude.” Kelley says.

Tobin just nods slowly then turns back to Alex. “Seems like your numero uno now though, so how’s the team looking?” 

“Should be good. Still a couple more players to sign I think. But some of the rookies know Mal and Rose so we went out with all of them a couple weeks ago when those two came to LA.”

It had been a really fun time, meeting Shannon and Jill, two players who had just finished their rookie seasons and were traded to the team for future draft picks. Mia hadn't called either her or Christen yet, and the draft wasn't until January to fill the other spots on the team, but it had been fun to meet her young teammates before everything became official. 

“Yeah Sonny said Mal and Rose had the time of their lives.”

An odd look passes over Tobin’s face and Alex realizes her friend still has a long way to go in terms of getting over Christen. 

Alex been around Christen so much lately, they talked about the ins and outs of their lives and she’s seen Christen’s face enough times when she’s talked about Tobin to know they were obviously at different stages. Christen was far along, at the acceptance phase but Alex knows she still has one foot in the door – waiting.

For what? Alex isn’t sure. But it probably had something to do with Tobin’s look now. 

Tobin, though, was still in the midst of the denial phase. Dreaming up scenarios of words Christen wasn’t telling her, feelings she wasn’t expressing because that’s what it looks like Tobin's holding in herself. 

Allie comes over before either her or Kelley can respond, loudly depositing their drinks in the middle of the table. 

“I thought I’d just get my turn over with and if you guys want anymore drinks you’ll have to get it yourself. It’s 100 degrees over there and smells like stale peanuts and feet.”

Kelley laughs rubbing a hand along Allie's back. “Aww poor baby had to wait in line, I thought you loved this place.”

“This is Tobin’s scene, and I can see why,” Allie looks over her shoulder. “Blonde at 2 o’clock.”

Alex follows the directions and sees a pretty blonde woman staring in their direction.

She then casts a glance at Tobin who gives the girl a small smile before she turns her eyes away. 

“Not tonight.” Tobin murmurs.

Allie guffaws, “Wow, that’s a first.” 

Tobin just shrugs then turns back to Alex. 

“So why didn’t Chris come with you guys?”

The question, the bar, the situation, it all just makes Alex even more irritated and sad. Tobin was her friend too and is obviously struggling but there was no use beating around the bush now. 

“You know why dude.” Kelley says, sounding as exasperated as Alex feels.

Christen had a re-inc shoot with Megan in LA, which was why both her and Meg weren’t in Seattle right now for the weekend. 

But Kelley’s reply still puts her off, and Tobins approach annoys her even more. Literally she’s still hung up on Christen but sleeping around? She knows that’s Tobin’s MO, after Shirley she was out every other evening in Portland. But then it all abruptly stopped when her and Christen got close.

So it’s confusing to Alex, Tobin’s mindset. But obviously neither Allie nor Kelley were going to call her out on it. Kelley giving half responses and Allie enabling her continued actions. 

“I know where she is, I just want to hear about how she’s really doing, I know she won’t really tell me everything anymore.” Tobin responds.

The way Tobin says it makes it seem like she thought Christen was close to breaking, as if the year that passed since their break up was actually only a couple of days ago.

“Don’t talk about her like that.” Alex deadpans.

Tobin looks at her quizzically. “Like what?”

“Like she’s fucking fragile.”

“Al-“ Kelley tries, but she’s tired. Tired of them not being blunt and tired of Tobin acting like Christen is the one who’s seconds away from a break down.

“No, this is stupid okay? This moseying around the point.” She gives Tobin a hard look.

“She’s doing just fine without you Tobin, okay? That’s what Kelley is trying to say. She’s not crying, she’s not going to break after every time you call her, and she’s not holding out on you as you work your way through the single women of the Pacific Northwest.”

“Shit.” Kelley quietly mutters and Tobin is just staring at her. She doesn’t look pissed though and Alex knows that Tobin gets it. She knows that Tobin understands what she’s trying to say.

It isn’t Christen that’s holding onto something that’s gone, the girl has been doing what she had said she would, grow into an individual on her own.

It’s not Christen who’s close to breaking…it’s Tobin.

Alex takes a calming breath, sure that her friend is finally listening.

“If you want to have any type of relationship with her, you need to treat her like a person. You can’t keep holding onto this memory of how she used to be.”

Tobin’s opens her mouth to say more but she cuts her off. 

“If you want her, stop talking to us about it and do something. If not then you need to actually move on.”

Tobin doesn’t say anything, but after a beat she reaches for one of the shots on the table, she doesn't take it though. 

“You guys feel the same?” She looks at Allie and Kelley.

Allie just gives Tobin a light smile. “I’ve been telling you this for months. You kind of have a pattern Harry, but that’s you.”

Tobin turns to Kelley. 

“Chris is one of my best friends, obviously Al’s too. And we know how you feel, it’s obvious. But Chris isn’t waiting around dude, she’s doing exactly what she said she was going to do. Figure her shit out.” 

Tobin rubs at her eyes and sighs. “Alright.”

Kelley pats Tobin on the back then turns to Alex and Alex knows what’s coming, the classic Kelley O’Hara redirect. 

“So what’s up in LA now Janice? Last time, I left you with remodeling up the ass and rooms full of unpacked boxes.”

Alex gives Tobin another lingering look, her friend looking contemplative as she stares down at the shot. Alex lets the prior conversation drop, enough was said to get the point across. 

"There is a lot going on in LA." Alex starts. 

“Also side note,” Allie buts in. “Your ex keeps calling Bati, I won’t talk to the guy, but Jesus it’s getting a little desperate.”

Kelley scoffs and Alex tries not to smile at the fierce loyalty her friends have shown her since she told them about the divorce after the Olympics. They had each been close to Serv, by extension of her but they’d cut him out easily, just as she had. 

It’s her turn to reach for a shot though, realizing the loud dark bar is the perfect place to discuss what’s been going on since her marriage failed. 

She picks up a shot glass, motioning for the others to do so. 

“To moving forward.” 

“To moving forward!” The rest of them echo and then the liquid is burning down Alex’s throat.

“Alright, tell it sister.” Kelley orders.

It's going to be a long night, but at least some things are out in the open.

Alex can only hope it will be for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little change in POV, let me know what you think! 
> 
> A step to continuing to become more informed, check out this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AGUwcs9qJXY


	9. November 2020 - I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Part of the reason we still hold on  
> 
> 
> Is thinking love like this is raw and right  
> 
> 
> And only comes once  
> 
> 
> But I don't think so."  
> 
> 
> \- Ben Phipps, _I Don’t Think So_

_The beginning of November_

November brings the first glimpse of winter in Los Angeles and Christen can’t help but relish in the fact that she gets to spend the rest of her professional career here.

LA has always been home. When she was in Chicago and even when she officially moved to Portland there was always a piece of her connected deeply to the place where she grew up. And last month she had officially put ink to paper and signed her contract with LAFC, her most expensive one to date.

But regardless of the money, the sole fact that for the first time in her NWSL career she feels comfortable and happy with a contractual decision is a dream. After spending the day at Banc of California Stadium with the team staff and front office any uncertainty she had about being on a newly created team all but washed away.

Mia, Tom Penn, and Peter Guber had been more excited than she had been when they sat around the large table in the field office and talked about what their plans were for the team, and for Christen it had been exciting, to be in the room during such a meeting and have her input valued. Then when Andrea Pirlo walked in and Mia announced he would be officially accepting the head coaching position, Christen couldn’t contain the full-fledged grin on her face. Because it was freaking _Pirlo_ , an Italian legend, and adding to the fact that he’s one of the nicest guys ever, having a front office that valued your opinions, she’s found, is the most important thing when it comes to success of a club.

Of course the first year is considered the “growing” year for any team, but with both her and Alex on the team, there were already high expectations, expectations she intended to meet. They still had a lot of work to do though, they only officially had ten players signed to the team, trade talks and plans for the January draft swirled through the rest of the meeting and filled a white board in the meeting room. But when she left the stadium she felt so incredibly thankful that she ended up heading over to her Dad’s house to just be around him and show him how grateful she was for everything in her life.

This time last year she was starting a new chapter in her life, and now she’s feeling like all the pain, all the confusion, all the heartache had been for a purpose.

Christen pulls into the parking lot at SAMOHI, the sun still brightly shining in the sky over the soccer pitch where she can already see Alex and Abby on the field, Alex already riffling shots at the young keeper. Jill and Shannon are also there, sitting on one of the silver benches and lacing up their boots by the looks of it.

Jill and Shannon both had been on the Washington Spirit and were traded to LAFC for a 2nd round draft pick and allocation money for the 2022 season. Jill had gone to the University of Hawaii before her rookie season, opting to stay in her home state for college before moving to the mainland following the draft and Shannon had gone to Duke but was from Florida. They both were fierce players with tremendous talent and it had been easy to get them to join in on her and Alex’s training days when they officially moved to LA.

Abby, just like Christen, had opted out of her contract with the Royals, becoming a free agent and quickly being swooped up by LAFC to become the starting goalkeeper. This is their third straight week out at the field, and her and Alex both take about three hundred shots on Abby after the five of them run drills for an hour.

The practices are always fun, and getting to know her new teammates has been even more exciting, the easy threads of energy between the two twenty-three year olds, one a midfielder and the other a defender, matched with the veteran energy her and Alex have is something Christen can’t quite explain.

Sometimes she feels like she’s running on old bones, but then they do wind sprints and her and Alex are consistently blowing past them. Then as her and Alex trade shooting on Abby, Jill and Shannon just lay on the grass or run and retrieve the balls after they poop out after fifty shots. It makes the remarks about being old grandmas that much more hilarious.

“The Queen has arrived finally,” Alex yells when she sees Christen walking up from the lot.

Christen just does an exaggerated curtsey towards Alex and Abby laughs.

“Hey CP!” Abby greets as Christen walks behind the net, “Get out here quick so Alex can stop trying to nail me in the face.”

Alex lets off another crackling shot, which Abby blocks right as it’s coming straight at her head.

“See!”

“Al stop being a bully.” Christen chastises lightly, smiling as Alex just places her hands on her hips.

“It’s called preparation Smith, you’ll be thanking me come March.”

“I’m sure.” Abby says, throwing the ball back towards Alex.

Christen is already slipping her slides off as she nears the bench.

“Hey Christen.” Jill says, smiling up at her as she twists her thick dark hair into a long braid.

“Hey ladies.” Christen greets, taking a seat and pulling her cleats and shin guards out of her bag.

Shannon just gives Christen a quiet hello and small wave before she jogs out towards Alex and Abby.

The blonde is still a bit shy, probably marginally still embarrassed after she had to stay over at Christen’s because she was too drunk after going out when Mal and Rose were in town last month.

To be fair, when Christen got up in the morning for her run Mal was asleep in the guest bathroom and Rose was sprawled out on the couch with sunglasses on fast asleep. At least Shannon had made it into Christen’s guest bed, (well Christen had tucked her in there), but she hadn’t minded. It had been a feat getting the three of them into her house, Jill and Alex having shared a Lyft back towards their houses in the other direction, so it was Christen and the kids.

But with two carefully worded sentences to Mal and Rose when they pulled up to her house, the two were drunkenly scrambling over each other to get inside when she opened her garage. Shannon was a little harder to get moving since she had been sleeping most of the ride back but some careful coaxing got her out and inside. Christen had learned enough tricks during her college days so it really hadn’t been difficult, but Jill, Mal, and Rose gave Shannon a hard time about it at lunch the following day.

“So I was thinking we try running the switch again from the top of the box. I’ve been practically dreaming about it since we tried it last week so I think I have it now.” Jill says excitedly and Christen can’t help but smile.

She pulls the laces taut on her right foot then stands up. “We’ll let’s see it then.”

Jill claps her hands together, her dark eyes gleaming as she starts to jog away. Then she stops and turns around.

“Wait, first we need to get your old bones warmed up!”

Christen rolls her eyes good-naturedly, “You going to keep that up all season?”

Jill gives her a full-toothed smile, “It keeps you young.”

Christen just laughs and joins her as they start their warm up stretches.

This team was going to be something; Christen could feel it, even in her old bones.

*/||\\*

Christen and Alex are back at her house, freshly showered and sitting at her kitchen table. Alex is halfway through Christen’s bag of plantain chips and doesn’t look to be stopping anytime soon.

“Oh I almost forgot,” Alex says, dusting off her hands and getting up to move and rummage through her backpack. She pulls out a grey sealed envelope, waving it at Christen.

“So guess what’s inside.”

“If it’s another one of those singing cards you keep stashing around this place I’m going to ban you from coming into my house.”

Alex looks slightly aghast and brings her hand to her chest. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“I know it was you and Pinoe, she told me.”

“That traitor.” Alex says with a huff.

“Ahha,” Christen points at Alex, “She didn’t tell me, but you just did.”

“Damn, okay whatever, it’s not one of those cards anyway. But you have to admit they’re pretty funny.”

Christen won’t admit to it because if she did Alex wouldn’t stop and Pinoe will continue to send them to her in the mail like she had been doing the past three weeks since the last reset the table event. Christen is still finding glitter random places from the last one that shot out the stuff and wouldn’t stop singing “Never Gonna Give You Up” even after she closed the card.

“No, it’s not funny at all actually.” She gives Alex a look then motions at the envelope. “What’s in there?”

Alex hands it to her and Christen pauses, feeling the weight in her hand – definitely too light to be a singing monstrosity.

“Open it.” Alex urges.

Christen opens the envelope and pulls the contents out, coming across a stack of four tickets. She turns them over in her hand and sees what they're for.

“Alex, oh my god! How did you even get these?”

They’re football game tickets, for the Stanford vs. Cal at the end of the month. They had just been talking about the game last week when she group FaceTimed with Alex and Kelley, and she can admit that she had been pretty sad when they looked up the game tickets and saw they were all sold out. Even though she didn’t like _that_ kind football all that much, the rivalry game had always been something exciting.

“I called in a favor,” Alex says with a smile. “Let’s just call it an early birthday present okay?”

Christen nods and smiles up at her friend. Despite Alex’s often-perceived indifferent attitude, she’s very observant and really generous when it comes to her friends. It’s endearing really the no fucks attitude she has washing away when she goes and does things like this, then waving it off as it she didn’t really have to work for it at all.

“Thank you, I’m actually really excited to go.”

Alex laughs, plucking the tickets out of Christen’s hand. “They’re really more for me, I can’t wait to see your face when I smash you in all the tailgate games then you have to sit and watch your team get slaughtered by the bears.”

“Oh goodness, whatever, you probably won’t even make it to the game with how much I bet you’ll be drinking at the tailgate.”

“These are box seats Chris, it’ll be too classy to be completely blacked out.”

“Make sure you tell Kelley that.”

“Oh, I already have, she promised her best behavior.” Alex smiles, then leaves the tickets out in front of Christen again. “So you’re in then?”

“They’re a gift Al, I’m not just going to pass them up.” Christen says taking the cards from Alex then giving her a questioning look. “Who’s the fourth ticket for?”

Alex shrugs, pulling her backpack on. “Whoever you want.”

Christen’s surprised Alex won’t want more Cal alumni in her corner for the game. But the game was already in Berkley so Christen and Kelley might be outnumbered anyway.

“Okay, I’ll see if Ali wants to fly in for the game.” It’d be a Stanford soccer reunion of the decade if Ali Riley could make it.

“Sounds good, but I got to go. I’ll see you Saturday for brunch.” Alex says quickly already to her front door. “Don’t be late, drinks are on me.”

“Okay, bye,” She yells, confirming their lunch in two days as Alex is already halfway out the door.

The door shuts quietly and Christen promptly puts the tickets back in the envelope and runs upstairs to place them in her side table drawer for safe keeping. The rest of the evening she spends reading and firing off messages to Ali Riley about the game then also to the group text she's in with Pinoe, Alyssa, Ali, Ashlyn, and Tobin. When she falls asleep that night she's humming the Stanford fight song. 

The next day, it’s late morning when she gets a text from Lee to come down to their usual spot on the beach. Christen isn’t exactly busy, reading and meditating after her morning run, so she quickly pulls some shorts and a tank top over her bikini, tying a zip up hoodie around her waist and starts her walk down to where they usually meet up.

When she arrives ten minutes later there are loud shouts of her name and she’s swept up in sweaty and sandy hugs by some of the LAFC guys. They all quickly disperse and run back to the volleyball net that they’ve commandeered and it takes Christen a second to process it but suddenly Tobin’s standing in front of her.

“Hey Chris,” Tobin says with a slight smile and hands deep in those yellow shorts she wouldn’t take off during the World Cup.

“Tobin hi,” She pulls her into a light hug then lets go to take a step back. “What’re you doing here? Why didn’t you tell me you were in town?”

They literally were in a group text talking last night.

“Oh, it was really last minute, they asked me to be a part of this Jumpman campaign they’re doing over at Jordan tomorrow.” Tobin replies easily. “But I also wanted to surprise you.”

Christen tilts her head at Tobin, trying to figure her out. Tobin’s stare doesn’t waver and it makes Christen’s stomach do a mini-somersault. She takes the moment in stride because she won’t be upset with herself that she still feels something for Tobin. It’s taken a lot of self-reflection and relearning how to communicate with herself but she won’t be sorry for any of it. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re here.” And she really is, it’s been a while since they were at this beach together, their friends surrounding them, and if Christen wasn’t so sure of how much personally she had changed then it would feel almost like old times.

She says almost, because instead of being right next to each other as they talk with their friends, they sit on opposite sides of the area of sand the large group has deemed appropriate for the day. Instead of Tobin getting up to massage sunscreen on her back, Tyler is there, large and imposing just as he is in goal. When she manages to get one of her hits by the guys during their pickup game, Tobin doesn’t come over and pick her up, whispering a “you’re a beast babe” into her neck. Christen doesn’t bring Tobin another beer when she goes to get another water from the ice chest either and she doesn’t drop herself in front of Tobin and lean back making the older woman her makeshift recliner; instead she sits in a beach chair next to Lee as they talk about the upcoming season.

Everything’s different now, she’s different now. And Christen isn’t sure if Tobin’s at the same place that she is. She has an idea though. But they don’t talk like they used to, her feelings have always been something she’s able to express and Tobin was able to give that part of herself over when pressed. But Christen doesn’t feel the need to push, their friendship isn’t like that now. It’s not that deep and although they talk often, Christen knows that she has her most open conversations with Pinoe, Kelley, and Alex in terms of teammates, conversations where all parties are fully committed to expressing themselves.

But although a lot has changed, some things Christen notices are the same.

Like how she feels Tobin’s gaze on her throughout the day. Eyes following her as they play volleyball and bake in the sun with their friends. It should be weird; the constant feeling of being stared at, but it has always been like this – for both of them. Even before they started dating, getting ten times worse when they became official, and even now she has to make a conscious effort so her gaze doesn’t linger longer than a couple seconds.

It should maybe worry her, how jarring it is to have Tobin back in a place so familiar to the life they used to live when everything has changed. It doesn’t worry her though but it hurts to know that she’s gotten to keep this part of their life, keep the friends they made together, while Tobin now will only ever get it in small doses.

Christen contemplates if they were like every other break-up, some things going one way, some the other. For a while soccer had felt like that and now it’s obvious that Tobin got to keep Portland while Christen got LA. But she’s made her peace with that, and she hopes Tobin has too.

The sun is just beginning to set, the afternoon passing quickly, and Christen sits on the large heavy cloth blanket that Lee keeps in his car, deciding to sit closer to the shore to watch the sun dip beneath the horizon.

“Do you mind if I sit?” Tobin’s voice cuts through the sounds of the waves crashing into the sand a few feet in front of her.

Christen turns to see her standing, hands perpetually in her pockets, rocking lightly back onto her heals, as if ready to retreat back to their friends further up the sand if Christen says no.

It unnerves Christen slightly, because even with the friendship they developed over the last few months, Tobin’s obviously still wondering if she’s welcome. And Christen knows she needs to make it obvious that she isn’t going to be keeping the sun too.

“No, of course not.” She moves over and Tobin takes a seat beside her.

They don’t speak at all as the sun begins its decent. It’s peaceful, and Christen wonders if this is how it will be between them now.

The sun is halfway down when Tobin speaks.

“So I’m staying not too far from here, over in Manhattan Beach, do you want to come over and talk?”

“Okay,” She hears herself agreeing.

There’s obviously a lot on Tobin’s mind and if tonight’s the night she’s finally ready to let it all out, who is Christen to stop her?

*/||\\*

She sleeps with Tobin and she knows it probably isn’t the healthiest thing to do.

If there was a break-up handbook, passed from person to person as relationships splintered, on the first page of “Things not to do with your ex” in bold font taking up the whole page is HAVE SEX WITH THEM!!!!!.

But the air around them grew heavy when they entered Tobin’s Airbnb, an easy twenty minute walk from Christen’s house. So she _could_ go home, take a long walk to ruminate on the fact that she’s not exactly running from the idea of being with Tobin again.

Logically, it’s obviously not the right time, but there is a small part of Christen that’s been holding back the last few months. A small part that has prevented her from diving into the dating scene again, holding her back from working up the courage to ask Sophia out or go home with that model who was obviously interested in her and had told her so.

Christen needs to be sure. Sure that right now, Tobin isn’t ready for what Christen expects if they were to get into a relationship again. The smart option would be to talk, but Tobin has always been better with her hands than she has with her words, and Christen’s dizzy with the feelings the day has brought out in her.

It doesn’t help that they had stopped for a bottle of wine at the corner liquor store where they get dropped off next to Tobin’s Airbnb and now Christen’s sitting in an unfamiliar chair, glass empty, thinking what the hell she’s doing here.

She needs to do something, their conversation is verging on becoming verbal foreplay and she can’t deny that she doesn’t like it. The wine has loosened Tobin’s tongue and now she’s flirting. All day there had been something simmering under the looks they shared, but now it’s early evening and Christen is beginning to realize what this all looks like.

She feels a bit claustrophobic, in a way that she’s only ever felt with Tobin. When the tension between them was so thick but she was too nervous to do anything about it. She’s nervous now, not because of inexperience, but because she doesn’t know what exactly she’s feeling. She wants Tobin, but she doesn’t want _everything_.

The thought warrants some extra time to sit with. Christen knows she doesn’t have that though - time - she needs to make a decision now.

She also knows that she already made said decision when she walked into this house when she should be at home. There’s an internal sigh she lets out because she’s grown yes, but she isn’t perfect.

Christen gets up, tired of her own indecisiveness, and grabs both empty glasses because drinking any more red wine isn’t going to make anything clearer. They should talk, not while drinking another glass of one of the most well known aphrodisiacs in the world.

Once she reaches the sink Christen places the glasses slowly inside. Tobin had stopped talking once she stood up and Christen had felt her eyes on her throughout her short journey through the kitchen. She should say something now, but the tension is rising and she’s almost choking on it.

Tobin’s presence at her back is something Christen senses before warm hands grab at her waist and slowly turn her around. She looks up and eyes she used to get lost in pierce through her.

Christen expects the kiss.

If there is one thing Tobin always was it’s reliable.

Tobin melds her lips to Christen’s bottom one and there’s something screaming in Christen, loud enough that she has to brace her hands back on the sink. But she isn’t sure if it’s telling her to stop or pushing her for more.

But it feels so familiar, even after over a year, as Tobin’s strong hands come up and frame her face as she deepens the kiss.

They’ve kissed thousands of times, except it’s different now. But Christen wants this, wants the closeness, needs it, because it’s Tobin and she’s still holding out on the what if.

She gasps when Tobin’s hand, that’s not tangled in her hair, grabs at her bare thigh and wraps it around her waist. Tobin doesn’t give her time to really react, the moment her lips part Tobin’s slipping her tongue past them and suddenly Christen stops thinking. Stops second-guessing, instead copying the action and sliding her own tongue in Tobin’s mouth, and Tobin’s hand tightens on her thigh.

Christen lets go of the sink behind her, bringing her hands up to snake around Tobin’s neck as their kiss turns hotter. It’s muscle memory at this point, and now both of Tobin’s hands are at her hips, pulling her incessantly closer even though there isn’t anywhere left to go.

The haze in Christen’s mind clears once one of Tobin’s hands make a pass over her left breast, the angle of their bodies making the sink dig into Christen’s back. She pushes at Tobin’s chest softly and their lips detach.

Christen loses her breath at the look on Tobin’s face. There’s a dark blush across her cheeks, her lips are swollen red, and her eyes are so dark there isn’t a question in Christen’s mind what’s about to occur. Tobin gives her a slightly questioning look and Christen just slides out from between her and the sink, grabbing at Tobin’s hand and moving to the staircase.

Tobin’s at her back quickly, lips pressing hot and wet to where her neck and shoulder meet and they all but stumble up the stairs and into the bedroom.

The tension between them has snapped and Christen will take the consequences later, she’ll take the difficult conversation that’s bound to arise after this because she’s not stopping.

Especially when Tobin pushes her up against the bedroom wall, steps from the bed, pulling Christen’s shirt off and then unbuckling her shorts. Their kiss is deep and hot, all tongue and lost breath and then Tobin’s whispering an “I missed you so fucking much” into her exposed abdomen as she lowers to her knees, bringing Christen’s shorts with her.

She can’t help her body’s response as Tobin’s lips find her center, bikini bottoms thrown somewhere she can’t make out in the dark room. Then hearing those words of encouragement as she comes apart, thigh draped across Tobin’s shoulder with barely any light coming in from the windows. Having her heart beat double time as words of wonder are whispered across her bare skin like she’s the greatest gift Tobin ever received when they finally make it to the bed.

She doesn’t care about the consequences, even though the small part of her that’s been knocking at her logic is screaming at her that she should.

*/||\\*

Clarity comes to Christen with the sound of the air conditioner turning on throughout the house, cold air creating goose bumps across her naked skin. The sheets are somewhere at the bottom of the bed, lost to the heat of the activities last night, and she’d fallen asleep body on fire.

Tobin’s still asleep next to her; she doesn’t have to open her eyes to know because she hears the soft snores.

When Christen does open her eyes, daylight is only just making itself known. Small rays of light coming through the window they didn’t bother drawing the curtains across last night. Her phone is somewhere downstairs in her bag, but the clock on the bedside table says its 7:09.

She should go soon, she’s meeting Alex at ten for brunch and she needs to get home, shower, and clear her head.

Christen sits up, the room she didn’t really see last night coming into view. It’s larger than she thought, dark blue paint and dark brown furniture. She sees Tobin’s duffle over near the closet and she also sees their clothes discarded across the floor.

She gets up slowly, making sure not to jostle the bed and wake Tobin. When she’s standing she looks back, Tobin hasn’t moved, face still pressed against the pillow and snores still coming out rhythmically. Christen can see the light red lines along her back, scratches she no doubt indented into her skin. She looks away after that, picking up her clothes and moving into the bathroom silently, softly closing the door.

When she glances at herself in the mirror her hair is all over the place, and she can see the beginning of bruises forming on her shoulder and to the left of her right nipple.

For a moment Christen feels easy, after the guys had left and her and Tobin sat on the concrete barrier that separated the beach from the sidewalk and talked. Tobin didn’t have to do much convincing once Christen had a bit more time to think about it. But again, she isn't perfect and she hadn’t exactly flipped through the rest of her break-up guide, the first page keeping her from moving any further. 

She quickly shakes the feeling from her mind, she won’t apologize for wanting Tobin, and she doesn’t regret it. But she knows now what it all means, she knew last night what it meant, and now she needs to speak to Tobin.

Christen dresses quickly, cleaning herself up as well as she can, running her fingers through her hair to tame some of the knots that formed in the night and splashing cold water on her face multiple times.

When she opens the door Tobin’s facing her, face still pressed into the pillow but eyes open. There’s a light smile on her face, but it’s different than Christen remembers, more reserved.

“I should go.”

Tobin’s smile drops and she flips onto her back, “Just like that huh? I thought we were going to talk?”

Christen rubs at her forehead, knowing she should have worded it differently.

“We didn’t talk much last night, but yes I want to talk now. And then I need to head home.”

"Okay, let's talk." 

Tobin sits up, naked body on display and Christen’s eyes dip a second before coming back to rest on her face. Tobin doesn’t comment on it and Christen’s grateful but she also doesn’t move to cover up.

“Can you put some clothes on please? If we’re going to do this.”

“It’s not like you haven’t seen this before. Just a few hours ago in fact.”

Christen ignores the remark. Knowing Tobin is just reacting, taking a dig, most likely to cover up the hurt because Christen disregarded the fact they just spent the night together and is pushing for a discussion. Tobin's instinctual reaction hasn’t changed, but Christen no longer feels the need to verbally spar with the woman like they used to.

“Tobin, just please.”

Christen hears a sigh as she turns and moves to the door. “I’ll be in the kitchen," she calls over her shoulder.

It doesn’t take long for Tobin to join her, hair still mussed and yesterday’s white t-shirt and yellow shorts on.

Tobin sits down across from Christen, leaning back in the chair but not meeting her eye when she speaks up.

“Do you think it was a mistake?” Tobin asks, voice quiet. 

“No, of course not.” Christen replies, trying to get Tobin to meet you eyes, when she does she continues, “But I know that it can’t happen again.”

“What are you saying?”

“The same thing we both said when we broke up. We need to figure this all out without each other.”

She needs Tobin to know, she needs her to understand that they’re still at completely different points in their journeys right now.

Tobin shakes her head at Christen’s words. “I’ve figured it out Chris, that’s why I’m here.”

“Tobin- “ Christen tries but is cut off.

“No, you can’t say I’m not trying Christen. Not anymore. Yeah, before everything I was going through the motions, checked out because everything became routine. And we were so dependent on each other, but I have figured it out Chris. You’re the one having trouble.”

Christen feels her last words like a sharp slap even though she knows they’re not true. It hurts that Tobin believes they are though. It's evident to Christen they’re still on different pages, passing boats in the ocean now. And Tobin’s still holding on, without even realizing that there isn’t anything to hold onto anymore.

“Tobin, I’m not having trouble and please don’t make it seem like there’s a timer on me trying to figure myself out. I've never put that expectation on you.”

“I’m sorry, that wasn’t what I meant.” Tobin says quietly, eyes guarded even though she can tell the words hurt Christen. “It’s just been so fucking hard trying to make sense of why we stopped working.”

Christen doesn’t know what to say to that because she still doesn’t know how they suddenly lost themselves in being with each other. But it’s obvious now, that despite the attraction still present, they can’t go back to that, she can’t.

“I don’t know what do Chris, I can’t shake you – I’ve tried.” Tobin mutters quietly, eyes on the table.

Sadness creeps into Christen’s heart at Tobin’s words. At the fact that their friendship since breaking up, the near constant communication may be preventing Tobin’s healing. And Christen won’t deny the fact that she knows what Tobin means when she says she’s tried.

When Kling had hinted that Tobin was going out more frequently and Tobin had kept tight lipped about where she was in the evening, Christen considered that Tobin was with other women. But now and since breaking up, Christen has had no say in who Tobin’s spending her time with and although Christen hadn’t been with anyone since their break-up, she’s felt attraction, and at times wanted to explore that, but she didn’t jump. She hadn’t been ready for a multitude of reasons, one sitting right across from her. But Tobin’s confirmation of something she already assumed still causes a small dip in her stomach all the same.

Christen can’t help herself though, she’s curious.

“When was the last time?”

Tobin looks up and then away, “A couple weeks ago. I – I didn’t even know her.”

Christen nods shallowly, and bites her lip not really having much of a response. She wants to ask what had happened in the last few weeks for Tobin to know she wanted to give them another shot, seeing that a few weeks ago she had been casually hooking up with strangers. She’s about to ask, her thoughts beginning to form coherent and practical questions that won’t give Tobin the wrong idea but Tobin breaks the stark silence.

“What about you?”

“What about me?” Christen questions.

Tobin looks mildly uncomfortable, and shifts in her seat. “Before last night, has there – “

“There hasn’t been anyone else.” Christen admits, and Tobin looks surprised.

“Oh – I guess I just thought – I talked to Alex and I guess I- “

Christen tilts her head, something akin to betrayal forming in her stomach. She wasn’t aware that Alex and Tobin talked about this subject.

“You guess what?”

Tobin scratches the back of her neck, looking guilty for some reason and then it clicks. Tobin feels guilty for being with other people while she hadn’t.

“I just assumed with how she was talking about you guys going out so much – I’m sorry that was a stupid question anyway.” Tobin looks stricken and Christen’s annoyed but she doesn’t know at who yet.

“We’ve always dealt with things differently. Do you think it feels great to hear you’ve been sleeping around right after we had sex? But I don’t get to be upset anymore Tobin and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t talk to Alex about me.”

“She’s like your best friend now, who else would I ask?” Tobin responds hands coming to clasp together on the table. “And I just wanted to know how you were doing. I used to know, because I used to be that person. And now I’m not and it sucks.”

“You could just ask me.” Christen says, sighing. “We talk a lot Tobin, almost every day. I tell you how I am, what I’m doing, I don’t know what more you want me to say.”

“Yeah, you tell me all those things Chris, but never how you’re really doing. Who you’re seeing, how you feel about us.”

Christen’s trying to read between the lines because it’s confusing why Tobin’s made the assumption that she’s keeping things from her. She’s honest with how she’s feeling and doing, and why does it always have to be her that brings up _them_. Their conversations aren't that deep, that's for sure, but that doesn't mean they still aren't meaningful in terms of the truth. 

“You want to hear about who I’ve been going out with?”

“I mean, yeah.”

“Why?”

Tobin looks incredulous. “Jesus, you’re really going to make me say it? After we just slept together.”

“Yes Tobin, I’m done assuming what you mean. If you want to know something, ask me.”

Tobin’s jaw works back and forth and Christen can see the moment she comes to a decision.

“I want to know who you’ve been dating, who you’ve been hanging out with, who you like because we _are_ friends, but I want to know if there is even just a small chance that we could be something again.”

“Tobin – “

“Is there Chris?” Tobin interjects, vulnerability creeping into her voice. “I know I still have a lot of shit to work out, but I’m wondering what this means.”

Christen levels a look at Tobin. “Have you thought about this? Really thought about this? Because I have Tobin, and just because you’re hurt that you feel you don’t know every single detail about what I’m doing, who I’m seeing, doesn’t mean you want to be with me romantically anymore.”

“I – “

Christen holds up her hand, “Wait, let me say this.”

“You’ve always been someone who is more action than words, always. And we’ve been talking almost every other day, you’ve had opportunities to tell me or show me you’re still interested in something more than friendship with me and you haven’t. And Tobin, I know what it feels like when you want me.”

She pulls one of Tobin’s hands out from where they are clasped and squeezes it in her own.

“We’ve always healed differently, but since we’ve broken up, you’ve slept with a lot of other people Tobin.”

Tobin moves to object but Christen puts a hand up again.

“I’m not saying that’s bad, I’m just saying that for almost a year you weren't with anyone because you were pursuing me. And yes, we’ve both changed since then but I think you want me when I’m right in front of you and you see what used to be.” Christen explains and then gives Tobin a look of quiet understanding. “Correct me if I’m wrong but I think your jealous Tobin, not because I’m possibly with someone else, but I think because my life has been going on without you in it.”

Tobin’s silent for a moment, running a hand through her hair before giving Christen a weary smile. “Have you been talking to my therapist?”

Christen lets out a light laugh, happy that Tobin’s speaking with someone again. “No, but I’m glad you decided to keep talking to her.”

“Yeah, it’s been good. There’s still a lot I need to figure out, but I think you’re right. I know you are. It’s just hard to let you go.”

“I know.” Christen says, trying to keep the light tone even though inside she's hurting. “And I have no idea what the future holds Tobin, I’m obviously still attracted to you.”

“Obviously.” Tobin mumbles with a smirk.

“Hush,” Christen smiles slightly, glad that she’s grown enough to accept the reality of the situation. “But I don’t think anything more than friendship would be best for either of us. And maybe we should take a small step back.”

"What do you mean?" 

"I don't regret last night, but I do think that in the end it's brought to light that possibly our near constant communication isn't for the best." Christen says, struggling to get a handle on how to phrase the next piece. "I think that we don't know how to be friends. Just friends. Even before, there was always this urge for more and I think we both knew that." 

Christen's aware that it hasn't been the easiest thing. She had thought before seeing Tobin yesterday that she was moving on. But then she was right in front of her and there was an instant want to be closer. She knows she's made a lot of progress but she's still holding a small light for Tobin and she just wants them to be able to shine on their own. 

"So we shouldn't talk anymore?" Tobin questions. 

"I think not how we are talking now. I think it's confusing us both. But we are running a business together and still have national team duties but possibly everything else needs to stop for a while."

It's something they need to do. Christen's presence is preventing Tobin from truly reflecting, healing, and recognizing what she wants. And Tobin's presence is keeping that last bit of familiarity that brings comfort to Christen. But she's pushing herself to be uncomfortable, because in the last year, those moments have triggered insurmountable growth. 

"We're really done then." Tobin doesn't say it like a question, more like a statement to herself. And Christen knows she needs to make something more clear. It's not about them being over, they have been for a year now, it's about them changing. 

"Tobin, you're still working through this and so am I. But I think we won't be able to effectively establish ourselves independently from each other if we don't take a couple steps back." 

“Okay.” Tobin speaks clearly this time, then sits back in her chair. “This is a lot to process, but I’m not running from the fact that I still have a lot to work on.”

“Good, I’m glad.” Christen says and she means it.

They sit in silence for a couple of minutes and then Christen glances at the wall, seeing the time.

“I should get going.”

“Did you want me to drop you at home?”

Tobin looks only mildly uncomfortable, knowing that the home she’s referring to at one point used to be hers too. Christen won’t put them in that situation, not right after clearing up what they’re meant to be to each other right now.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll just call a car.”

When the Lyft arrives a couple of minutes later this time it’s Christen who’s walking out with a quick hug and whispered words of goodbye, and it feels like something has come full circle.

She spends the ten-minute ride home trying to get a handle on her emotions. She feels like their talk went well, but something is irritating her and it isn’t until she’s getting into her own car, freshly showered and dressed for brunch, that she realizes what’s bugging her.

Thirty-five minutes later Christen punches the code to let herself into Alex’s garage, pulling her car in and slamming her car door. Her irritation levels have risen exponentially with the traffic along her drive and trying to navigate around the piss poor drivers LA is known for aggravating her even more.

She knows she’s being slightly irrational, but she can’t help it. The thought has been sitting since Tobin said it and now she needs to go to the source. So she lets herself into Alex’s house, feet pounding heavy on the hardwood floor, and finds her standing in the kitchen.

“Ah, you’re early.” Alex greets easily with a smile, which dims slightly when she sees Christen’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Why are talking to Tobin about me?” Christen asks the question pointedly, the sting of betrayal she feels evident in her tone.

“What?”

“You heard what I said.”

Alex sets down her glass of water and holds up one hand. “First of all, chill out. Second of all, she’s my friend too and she asked how you were doing.”

“Well, why did she assume I was seeing someone after talking to you?” Christen’s not sure why she’s hinging on that, it didn’t really matter. But she just feels like all these things were said without even a hint of her being privy to the fact.

Alex shrugs and huffs, “I don’t know Christen, maybe because she has eyes and a brain.”

Christen bristles. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you’re hot and single in LA. And if she asks me what you’ve been doing, and I tell her your usual stuff plus going out with me and the girls I can’t help what she thinks that means. Also it’s not a secret that you get hit on left and right, Mal and Rose were both here when we last went out. So before you go off on me about telling Tobin stuff, about what or who you’re doing, think about it.”

Christen considers what Alex says and it does make slightly more sense. And she trusts that Alex is telling her the truth, but the feeling of betrayal still gnaws at her.

“I’m not doing anyone, that’s the point.”

“I know that, and I didn’t tell her you were.”

Christen leans forward hands braced on the counter as they face off across from each other. Her head’s beginning to hurt, the morning and her feelings after everything starting to show.

“What’s really going on Chris?”

She doesn’t know. She’s just mad at Alex, maybe a little mad at herself too. When Christen doesn’t respond Alex makes a sound like she’s figured it out.

“You know what I think? I think you’re mad that I didn’t tell you the whole conversation even happened.”

Christen sighs because it’s stupid and petty to be upset but she can’t help that it hurts to hear that one of her closest friends is potentially sharing things about her to her ex. Yes, they’re friends too, but not as close as her and Alex are. Not as significant in meaning either. Christen shares a lot of herself with Alex, and she realizes that the feeling of betrayal was because she thought Alex had shared these things with Tobin without her knowledge.

“And I apologize, because I should’ve told you. But I didn’t and I’m sorry for whatever she said to have you feeling like I’m talking about you behind your back - that other people know things you aren't aware of.”

Alex hits the nail on the head and Christen nods, easily accepting her apology. What more needed to be said? Alex understands where she’s coming from.

“I accept you’re apology.” Christen replies then realizes she owes one of her own. “I’m sorry for snapping at you.

“No problem, Press, nothing like a 9:45 wake up call.” Alex smiles then her eyes turn curious. “So – you obviously talked to Tobin yesterday. How was that?”

“It was this morning actually.”

Alex lifts an eyebrow in question. “She called early then?”

“No. I was with her this morning.” Christen doesn’t know why she’s being so cryptic or why she suddenly feels nervous. But she presses on. “Tobin’s in town visiting for her Jordan sponsorship and she was at the beach yesterday with the guys.”

When Christen looks at Alex, the forward looks tense as if preparing for something. For what? Christen isn’t sure.

“Okay…” Alex drags out then crosses her arms over her chest. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Like ripping off a band-aid, that had been her mantra. But why did it all the sudden seem so difficult?

“I slept with Tobin last night.” Christen says, and then after a beat. “And then we talked this morning.”

Alex stands up straighter looking slightly shocked. “You slept with her as in – “

“Tobin and I had sex, yeah.” Christen confirms.

A look Christen can’t decipher passes so quickly across Alex’s face that if she weren’t staring right at her she would have missed it. But then her face morphs back into closed detachment and a bit of disbelief.

“Oh wow, so like – are you guys getting back together?”

“No.”

Alex doesn’t look convinced. “You guys talked though?”

“Yes, we talked.” Christen sighs then wipes a hand over her face.

Alex looks on and Christen hates how quickly her face changes as she if she knows Christen’s struggling. “What happened?”

“She wanted to get back together.”

Alex eyes are open and understanding, “But?”

“But,” Christen sighs then stands up to full height, “But I don’t want to, not right now.”

Alex’s eyebrows rise. “Wow, that took a lot out of you huh?”

“Shut up, jerk.” Christen can't help but smile. “It was just a heavy conversation, but I know that’s not what I want right now and not best for her either. And I don’t know maybe someday if everything aligns we could get back together. But we aren’t right for each other now.”

“How’d she take it?”

“As best as I know her to. She wasn’t ecstatic, especially since we had just slept together so I completely understood that I gave her the wrong idea. But she respected what I said. And I think it’s for the best."

“I’m glad you’ve worked it out." Alex leaves it at that, not pushing for more, just accepting Christen's words as is.

Alex levels a small smirk at her though, "Sex was good I assume?”

“Alex!” Christen shrieks because goodness could she ever just give her a break.

Alex laughs and puts her hands up in surrender. “It was just a question, trust me, you just had post break up sex after a year, it’d be a shame if it was shit.”

“It wasn’t, okay?” Christen admits and then tilts her head towards the hallway that will lead to the garage. “Can we go get food now? You said drinks are on you.”

Alex nods and starts walking towards the back of her house. “Drinks should be on you though, you came at me like a bat out of hell, it was terrifying. You should pay for damages.”

Christen chuckles because, yeah, she probably should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	10. November 2020 - II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, I have only dreamed of these heights,  
> 
> 
> And now they taking me there."  
> 
> 
> \- CHIKA, _SONGS ABOUT YOU_

_The end of November_

“No, absolutely not!” Becky vehemently protests from her spot on the floor.

But Sonnet and Crystal are relentless, pulling the older defender to her feet as the music blasts from the speaker and they pull her into some weird dance and the rest of their team try to guess what exactly they’re trying to describe.

They’ve been at this for the last two hours, dance charades, a game that’s become just an excuse for Christen to have hours of footage on her phone to embarrass her teammates with later.

The team bonding activity of Pictionary, then charades, and now dance charades has given them a much-needed break. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of post Olympics photoshoots, press conferences, training camp, and cross country flights.

The mini victory tour they had scheduled is coming to a close tomorrow. Four games in two weeks and then they’re off until a couple of friendlies in February. It’s been an overall exciting time for Christen, enjoying the feeling of reliving their dominance in Tokyo, but it’s also bringing to the forefront many of the veteran players like herself who are considering retirement.

She’s not ready to throw in the towel yet, in fact she feels stronger and more prepared than ever to continue; however, some of her teammates are starting to think about taking a step back from international duties.

Ali and Ashlyn are hoping to start a family soon, Becky and Zola as well, and even her and Pinoe have had the conversation recently of what life outside of the national team will look like for them and Megan's plan to propose to Sue next year. Christen’s happy for her friends and although it makes her sad, that the family she’s created is going to be changing, it’s given her the opportunity to take each day, each practice, every time they walk out onto the pitch as a moment to rejoice.

They have another game in the morning, against Argentina, and the fans in Atlanta have already showed up at their practices in droves to show that the sold out game tomorrow should be crazy one.

“CP!”

Christen looks up quickly at the sound of her name.

“You have to pay attention babe. Mal, Andi, and Sammy are too young to get this one okay?” Pinoe tells her, and Christen realizes her team is up.

“Literally, we aren’t completely useless.” Mal says, even though in the last round only Sam knew what the snake game on the old Nokia phone was.

“There, there,” Kelley pats Mal on the head in earnest and then Christen’s signaling for Pinoe to go.

“Okay P, I’m ready.”

Megan starts off by putting up two fingers.

“Two words,” Christen answers and Megan nods.

Pinoe then starts to make different hand gestures and waving her arms around, her hips soon joining in as she picks up the beat of the song. Sam and Andi prove to be pretty helpful and right before the time runs out Christen guesses ‘floppy disk’.

Megan throws her arms up in victory and the rest of her little team cheers as well.

“I don’t even know what that is.” Mal says then leans over towards Christen. “What’s a floppy disk?”

The next round Christen spends explaining to Mal the beginning of desktop computers and saving files on the small square disks.

“Oh, so like a flash drive, but like bigger?”

Christen nods, “Exactly.”

“Wow, you’re old.” Mal says and laughs when Christen pushes her over.

The next group who’s up starts moving to the front of the small area they have created. Ashlyn and Rose stay standing, holding the card with what they are meant to dance and describe to their team consisting of Julie, Lindsey, and Tobin.

Since their talk a couple weeks prior, her and Tobin have both stuck to what she suggested. They really only talk about re-inc or through group texts, their once daily text thread going dark. It’s given Christen time to re-evaluate how Tobin fits into her life, and how she fits into the other woman’s.

In the time since Tobin was in LA and the start of camp, Christen spent bouts of time in long states of self-reflection outside on her balcony. Being with Tobin again had been a bit of a wake up call, the pull towards the familiarity had been so strong that she willingly went back to the place she had told both herself and Tobin that she needed to get away from.

She knew it had hurt her ex-girlfriend, probably made her feel a bit used in the moment, but she didn’t regret it. However, she did regret that she didn’t make it clear to Tobin before they slept together what it would mean or have a conversation beforehand about what they were doing.

But she wouldn’t hang onto something she couldn’t change. And in the end, Tobin seemed to understand that they weren’t ready to go back to that.

The past week had been refreshing, spending time with all her friends again in such a way that wasn’t stifled because of her and Tobin’s past. Ash, Alyssa, Ali, Pinoe, Tobin and Christen had gotten back to their regularly scheduled programming of afternoons in the pool and lunches at coffee shops.

She was often wrangled into shopping outings with Alex, Crystal, Julie, and Mal and late night runs to get dessert with Alex and Kelley. The latter two understanding how important it was to her to feel the easy camaraderie again within the veteran group she had been with since joining the team, which had diminished since her and Tobin broke up.

Christen looks on as Tobin and Lindsey dissolve into laughter when Julie comments that she has no idea what’s going on when Ashlyn spins Rose around. It’s a mess and time is running out.

But the whole scene makes Christen smile. It’s all about honesty and the compounding vulnerability that comes with it. And she’s hopeful, because she’s better at it now, admitting to herself that despite the strides she’s taken over the past year she still has fields of growth ahead.

*/||\\*

Berkley is a sea of blue as they make their way to one the parking garages that is closest to the campus.

“The Big Game” as everyone calls it has filled the college town with so many people that Christen’s glad they had the wherewithal to leave their Airbnb thirty minutes earlier than they initially planned to arrive at the tailgate.

Ali has been filling them in on her last couple months in New Zealand seeing her family, and her recent move back to the NWSL with the Dash. Her and Alex have been trying to convince her to speak to her agent about joining LAFC, since her Houston contract is still in the early stages. They could use a veteran defender and plus Ali grew up in LA. Christen can tell her old teammate and roommate is seriously considering it.

“Look alive ladies, we are entering enemy territory.” Kelley says as Alex pulls her car up to the ticket booth and then through the lower floors of the garage.

When they get out of the parking garage, they follow a sea of red and blue that are moving towards the center of the campus. Pop up tents and crowds of people greet them as they follow Alex across her old campus.

Alex is looking down at her phone once they reach what seems to be the main tailgating area of the campus.

“We’re supposed to be meeting some friends of mine, they shouldn’t be too hard to spot.” Alex looks up, standing on her tiptoes as she scans the many faces. Christen can’t even begin to think how Alex can possibly differentiate, there have to be thousands of people on this campus, hundreds in this area alone.

“Well, well, well if it isn’t Patty Morgan in the flesh.” Alex’s head whips around and standing there is a good looking man with jet-black hair and light almost grey eyes, dressed in similar attire to Alex, dark blue Cal Bears shirt and jeans.

“Jay!” Alex says in greeting and the two embrace easily. “I thought I told you to stop calling me that like sophomore year?”

“Old habits, babe.” He turns a smile onto the rest of them. “Ladies, I’m sincerely hurt that we’ve already started out on the wrong foot, your outfits are hideous.”

“You’re school’s trash, man.” Kelley retorts and Christen can’t help but laugh, obviously those two would get along swimmingly after a couple of drinks.

“Okay, before you two start, guys this is James Tannen, we graduated together.” Alex introduces. 

“Best class this school has ever seen. And you all can call me Jaime, even though I’m appalled by all the Stanford gear, I have a thing for soccer players.” Jaime winks at them and they all make easy introductions.

Jaime then nods his head towards the sea of people behind him, “I’m glad I found you, come on over to where we have everything set up.”

Jaime leads them over to a standing tent, smack in the middle of a long stretch of the campus where tents are standing side by side, people spilling out each one. Another equally tall and good looking Hispanic man in a grey Cal crewneck and dark pants comes out of the tent, red solo cup in hand and eyes alight with recognition.

“Luke!” Alex exclaims, hugging the man, who laughs and tries not to spill his drink all over Alex.

“Alex, how are you?” Luke asks when they pull apart. 

"I'm great, how are you? You look good." Alex compliments and Jaime throws an arm around Luke's broad shoulders. 

“Paws off Morgan, I know you’re single now but he isn’t.”

Kelley guffaws and slaps Jaime on the back, “Wow, this is going to be a hilarious day.”

Luke is introduced to the rest of them and he also went to Cal, graduated a year behind Alex and Jaime and used to play soccer for the Bears. Him and Jaime have been dating for the last four years.

The rest of the occupants in the tent are found to be all Cal athletics alumni except one woman, Carey, who went to Stanford a couple years under Ali and Christen and is engaged to one of Luke’s old teammates.

With introductions made the large table under the tent easily turns into girls vs. guys flip cup, then Cal vs. Stanford in beer pong, and after a couple games it turns into trading stories and getting to know everyone before there’s about fifteen minutes before kickoff.

Alex invites Jaime and Luke to join them in the suite she got and they are all making their way down to the stadium, passing tailgate tents filled with people, alcohol, food, and some flat screen TVs set up with the pregame show on.

When they reach the suite the only occupant is a man dressed in work attire setting up what looks like a small popcorn machine in the corner. They settle in and Kelley and Jaime easily start trading jabs about their schools, Ali moving over to where the popcorn is now overflowing into the small container and Alex and Luke conversing quietly.

Christen moves towards the large glass window, which hasn’t been opened yet, and takes a look across the field. The stadium is almost fully filled; the left side of the stadium almost all red while the opposite is dark blue. She pushes a button on the windowsill and the glass begins to fold up like an old garage door, the sounds of the stadium filling their booth. 

The anticipation is palpable in the air and even though Christen could really care less who won the game, she’s excited to witness another one of these games, this time more sober and hopefully wiser than before.

“Can I let you in on a little secret?”

Christen looks over to see Luke staring out at the stadium just like she was a second before.

“Sure,” Christen matches the whisper in his tone.

Luke makes a pained face and casts a quick look over his shoulder before leaning towards her. “I hate football.”

They both break out into laughs and then Luke shrugs his shoulders.

“Always have, even back in college. Usually I passed out at the tailgate, but I’ve gotten a lot better at drinking games, so now here I am.”

“At least it isn’t baseball.” 

Luke chuckles and nods his head. “You’re right, at least it’s not baseball.”

“What are you two gorgeous people giggling about over here?” Jaime asks sliding up to them.

“Just America’s favorite pastime.” Luke answers.

Jaime gives him a quizzical look, “You hate baseball.”

“I hate football too.”

Jaime drops his jaw in surprise before wiggling his eyebrows at Luke and mock whispering, “Well if Cal wins you won’t be hating it tonight.”

Christen watches Luke's eyes get wide and then he cups his hands around his mouth before yelling, “Bear Down!”

“Knew you’d come around,” Jaime says wrapping an arm around Luke’s shoulders and Christen just laughs in jest.

Ali comes up to Christen then, offering some of the salty and buttery popcorn she just got, “The staff guy said there’s free food and a small open bar like three booths down.”

Luke pokes his head around Jaime, “Did you say free food?”

“Once the game starts we’ll go?” Christen asks the two of them, Jaime making a sound of disbelief before joining Alex and Kelley at their own mini bar.

Ali and Luke make sounds of agreement just as one side of the stadium erupts and the Stanford football team runs out onto the field.

Ali pops some pieces of popcorn into her mouth, "Well, here we go."

About an hour later, it’s 17-24 at the half, Stanford is up and it’s nothing but jeers between Kelley, Alex, and Jaime. Kelley tries to get her, Ali, and Luke to participate but they’re too engrossed with taking multiple trips to the alumni refreshments and food table a couple of booths over. They not only have free food but also a chocolate fountain, with fruit and candy and it’s entirely too appealing, plus she’s seen so many of her classmates on the short walks, ones she thought she’d never see again since they’ve mostly stayed up in Palo Alto, that she’s undoubtedly missed the whole first half.

When they walk back into their suite, Kelley and Jaime are still going back and forth and Alex is talking to an official looking man and woman. Both have headsets in their ears and the woman has a clipboard that she’s showing to Alex.

Ali moves to shove the chocolate covered strawberries she’d made in between Jaime and Kelley.

“Cease fire for the next five minutes guys, look what I made.”

“Oh dessert!” Kelley claps her hands together then grabs one of the strawberries on Ali’s plate.

“Hey, I’ll be right back okay?” Alex announces and Christen nods and watches Alex walk out with the two people, wondering if maybe she should have went with her because who knows what Alex is about to get into.

But a couple minutes later her silent questions are answered when, with ten minutes left in halftime, Christen looks down at the field and she can see Alex with clipboard lady and another woman who’s been doing fan announcements and prizes throughout the half.

“Guys look.” Christen points towards where Alex stands in one of the end zones and then the halftime hype woman is speaking loud into the microphone.

“Ladies and gentleman, we have a very special guest with us this afternoon. Captain of the United States Women’s National Soccer Team, two time World Cup winner, two time Olympic gold medalist, and forever a Cal Bear, Alex Morgan!”

The place erupts as the camera pans to a waving Alex on the jumbotron.

“Woohoo Janice!” Kelley yells out around a mouthful of chocolate.

Christen brings her hands together and lets out her own cheer in earnest. Alex’s smile doesn’t waver as the mic is handed to her.

“Hey everyone, I’m really happy to be here and be back at the greatest school in the world.” The stadium erupts again this time with both cheers and boos and Christen notices Alex is wearing her gold medal. But it isn’t the Tokyo one, it’s the one from London based on the purple colored ribbon around her neck.

“I also wanted to gift one of my gold medals to the Hall of Trophies because this school gave me opportunities that put me where I am today,” Christen eyebrows raise in surprise at Alex’s words.

“Obviously these seats weren’t cheap CP, college is nothing but a give and take once you graduate, huh?” Kelley mutters into Christen’s ear and Christen can’t help but agree.

Alex takes off the gold medal and hands it to who Christen believes is the Chancellor of the school and then she’s getting handed The Axe. The freaking Axe that showcases the point of the Big Game and is awarded to the winner! It looks old and rusty in Alex’s tan hands and has to be heavier than her friend makes it look.

“Let’s keep the Axe here for another year, come on Bears!” Alex says, raising the Axe in the air and again the stadium is cheering and the Cal band starts up the fight song and if Christen didn’t know it Alex is like the pride of the university.

The teams are running back out onto the field when Alex returns to the suite and Jaime moves to bow, hands out stretched above his head, with a “we aren’t worthy” coming from his mouth multiple times. Alex just laughs pushing him out of the way.

“We taking the axe back Janice, it was a fluke you guys won it last year, we almost had it for a decade there.”

“Key word is almost Wormy.” Alex responds, sitting by Christen and snagging a chocolate covered pineapple off her plate.

“This was the favor you called in?” Christen asks. 

“I’d like to think I got the most out of this one," Alex shrugs, pausing to pop the piece of fruit into her mouth, "This is so good.”

“But you gave them your gold medal.”

“I have two Chris, the most recent one means more to me anyway.” Alex leans over to knock their shoulder together. “Don’t sweat it, they’ll shine the hell out of it and put it in a glass display and it’ll get a lot more love here.”

Christen just shakes her head and tucks away the information away, making a note to ask Alex what she means about Tokyo meaning more to her than London. Christen thinks it’s because of everything that was going on at the time, Alex’s so called perfect life had crumbled around her but in the end, she was still a champion – adversity and all.

“Plus, did you see? I got to hold the fucking Axe.”

“Yeah you did!” Jaime grabs hold of Alex’s shoulders from behind and then the game is starting up again, Ali joining in with Kelley to give Jaime and Alex two people to trash talk instead of one.

Christen just settles in next to Luke, the man giving her a soft smile, indicating their silent allyship, as they stare out onto the field as Stanford kicks off.

The game ends 34-30 the stadium raining in blue and yellow confetti as the Cal quarterback holds up the Axe as the marching band plays out to an absolutely crazy crowd.

Alex and Jaime are jumping around and Christen gives Kelley a consolatory pat on the back, because for the next year she’ll be getting the most flack about this game from their friends.

“We’ll get ‘em next time KO,” Ali says even though she’s laughing at Jaime and Alex’s antics.

“Now, Kelley, it would seem you owe us a bottle of Dom Perignon.” Jaime points at Kelley, "A bets a bet."

“Am I in on this?” Luke asks hopping up from his seat next to Christen and going to stand next to Jaime and Alex.

Christen gives him a playful glare, “Traitor.”

Luke puts his hands together like a prayer, “I’m sorry, but I love Rosé.”

“Course you’re included babe,” Jaime says then looks at Kelley again. “Looks like it’ll be two bottles now.”

“Fine, whatever, let’s go. Your band is making my ears bleed.” Kelley mutters gathering her stuff and walking out of the suite.

“I’m drinking some, just so you know.” Ali adds and moves to follow Kelley.

The three of them then turn to look at Christen in question, as if waiting for the okay to continue the night.

“I think we’ll probably need four bottles, Kelley will challenge you two to something to try and salvage anything from this loss.”

“Yes! After party at our place.” Jaime raises his arms in triumph and Luke just laughs grabbing his jacket before they make their way out of the suite too.

Alex jerks her head towards the door. “Ready?”

Christen nods, grabbing her bag and thanking the two staff members moving into their suite. When she gets close enough she loops an arm with one of Alex’s and they move out the door to join their friends.

When they finally get out of the stadium and to the parking lot they pile into Alex’s BMW X6 and cross the Bay Bridge into San Francisco. They stop and get five bottles of Dom Pirgnon and a twenty-four pack of Coors at BevMo because “college”.

Just as Christen assumed, it gets rowdy once they get to Jaime and Luke’s apartment and maybe they should have dropped the car off at their Airbnb but Luke waves her off with a “you guys will just sleep here, we have two king beds”.

They’ve finished three bottles of champagne and are putting a dent into the Coors when they move to the rooftop deck of the apartment building. Ali and Luke are playing Jaime and Kelley in beer die and it’s one of the funniest things Christen’s seen in a while. The two supposed retired frat stars getting completely killed by Ali and Luke who hug and high five after every shot they make.

Christen and Alex are sitting in two comfortable lawn chairs looking out on the San Francisco Mission District.

“I still can’t believe you gave the school your medal.” Christen says after a few minutes of silence. 

“Why?”

“I don’t know, it’s just that was your first one, it has to mean a lot to you.”

“It does, but I’ve looked at it for eight years Chris, hopefully it’ll give someone else some hope.” Alex quips. “Plus, the memories mean more.”

Christen nods in agreement, understanding where Alex is coming from. It’s one of the reasons why she herself has given so many of her trophies to her Dad, the memories are hers but the hardware gives him a piece of that.

“Thank you for this, I know you said it’s an early birthday present but,” Christen glances over to where the four others are laughing and pointing fingers at each other. “I’m really happy we did this.”

The six hour drive up the PCH from LA with Alex had been scenic and peaceful and then the real craziness had started when they picked up Ali and Kelley from SFO. And watching two of her closest college friends laughing like they were twenty again with two of Alex's own college friends filled Christen with so much nostalgic contentment.

“Me too, there’s been a lot going on this month and I know you’re working a lot of stuff out but you always deserve times like this with your friends. You don’t always have to be searching for something, you can just be free for a bit, don’t feel guilty for it.”

“I know.” Christen whispers, letting the wind carry her words. It’s easy for her to get lost in this everlasting quest of bettering herself, and Alex is right, sometimes a feeling of guilt does wash over her when she thinks about her past, what she’s lost, and how maybe she's better because of it.

Alex takes Christen’s hand, lacing their fingers together and squeezing. “Don’t be too hard on yourself.”

She chuckles, “Stop using my own words on me.”

Alex laughs bringing the beer to her mouth, “I didn’t think you’d catch that, it’s a very common phrase.”

Christen just rolls her eyes good-naturedly, thinking back on the long conversation a couple weeks before between them after a particularly hard divorce meeting Alex had. Her friend had showed up to Christen’s house looking tired and defeated and Christen had just listened as Alex unloaded. After, Christen had basically dragged Alex to dinner with Franny and Abby at Nobu, treating them all to a dinner that had lifted Alex’s spirits, despite her initial protests.

“CP, Janice!” Kelley calls out and they both turn to look over at the slightly downtrodden faces of Jaime and Kelley. “You two are up.”

Christen moves to stand, her left hand untangling unknowingly with Alex’s right. She hands Kelley her unfinished beer as a consolation prize as they switch places and she makes her way to the table.

“You two can start.” Luke throws the dice to Alex who easily catches them.

“Let’s do this,” Alex squares her shoulders, the overt competitiveness coming out in full force.

Christen just gives Alex an agreeing head nod and watches as the other woman throws the die high into the air.

*/||\\*

The beers are done and one bottle of Dom is left unopened when they finally turn in for the night.

The guest bed is easily big enough for the four of them to fit in but Jaime and Luke aren’t having any of it, instead they give the girls their bed as well, setting up a makeshift pillow fort around the couch in the living room.

It makes Christen’s heart fill with hope, to see such a pure and accepting kind of love. One that fills a heart with unbridled acceptance and joy that you’re reminded of simpler times, when building pillow forts and laying on the floor made you feel on top of the world.

Christen, Ali, Alex and Kelley are all lying in the large guest bed, alcohol fueled conversation passing between the four of them. Kelley and Ali are telling Alex about the time Christen jumped from the roof of the house Kelley and some of they’re older teammates lived in and into the freezing cold pool after losing a bet. Christen shivers just thinking about the feeling of ice that hit her body, which calmed down the ferocious beating of her heart as she leaped to her possible death.

It had been a one off moment of exhilaration, one that Kelley had pushed her to do because her expectations and self-doubt were beginning to be too much for Christen to bear her sophomore year. When she broke the surface her teammates were cheering for her like they had just won the college cup.

“You’re not telling her the best part Kel,” Christen inserts looking at Kelley with a mischievous smile.

“Oh what’s the best part then, because I really think that ‘Fuck you, Kelley’ you screamed out right as you were jumping was the best.”

Ali looks at Alex and chuckles, “Never heard her swear before that night.”

“No, no, no,” Christen protests, “The best part was you falling over yourself coming down the stairs and then tripping into the pool trying to pull me out.”

Ali and Alex dissolve into a fit of laughter and soon enough Kelley and Christen can’t hold their stare down much longer and join in. That night was one of Christen’s favorites, all her teammates pushing each other into the cold pool until it was full, water spilling over the side because of too many games of drunk chicken.

The stories continue until Ali and Alex are both fighting to keep their eyes open. Christen and Kelley slowly get off of the bed when they realize their two friends are fast asleep and move into the other bedroom.

Christen can still hear Luke and Jaime talking quietly when her and Kelley slip under the covers of the large bed.

“You good CP?” Kelley asks once they’re situated and the lamp has been turned off.

“Yeah, you?”

“I’m really good, can’t believe we lost but glad I came.”

Christen hums quietly, “Yeah, me too.”

She feels rather than sees Kelley shift in the bed. “I’m also glad you’re happy in LA. Utah isn’t the same without you but I’m happy you have Alex there with you.”

“I’m happy she’s there too.”

Kelley makes a sound of acknowledgment, “I thought I was protective but she might have me beat on this one.”

“What do you mean?”

“She cut Tobin a new one when we were out in Seattle. She didn’t tell you?”

Christen pauses, trying to think back to their conversation. She comes up empty on what Kelley could be alluding to.

“Not really.”

“Well, I guess it had the desired effect. At least on Tobin’s end, she hopped on the next flight to LA.”

Christen sits on Kelley’s words and realizes that she’s saying Alex went to bat for Christen. No prompt, just told it like it was and it spurred Tobin into action. It probably didn’t have the desired outcome her ex had wanted, but it did show Christen that her friends cared.

Alex is one of her best friends and as easy as they fell into each other lives, it’s something she doesn’t take for granted. Being confident about your closest friends, the ones who always show up for you even when you’re not there or stand up for you in a difficult situation is something Christen cherishes. Kelley’s done that for her through the years and Christen didn’t realize that Alex had filled in where Kelley no longer could. And she doesn’t need someone fighting her battles for her, but friends will do that for you regardless.

“I’m thankful for both of you.” Christen says quietly to Kelley. 

“Aww Pressy, don’t get all sentimental. I’ve had too much to drink to start crying right before bed.”

Christen just smiles in the darkness, her eyelids beginning to get heavy.

“Also, don’t think just because you and Al are on the same team now that I’ll go easy on you two.”

“Wouldn’t even dream of it,” In fact, Christen knows it’ll be the exact opposite. “Night Kel.”

“Night CP, don’t kick me in the middle of the night.”

“It was one time.” Christen grumbles, eyes closing and body relaxing back into the plush mattress.

“Yeah, but I fell out the bed and almost broke my neck.”

Christen just gives Kelley an appeasing and light okay, her dreams beginning to take over and the calmness she feels, being with her closest friends and making new ones, taking her away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick little chapter to round out November! Let me know what you guys think...and next up New Years.
> 
> I'd also like to add that, not if, but WHEN CP and Alex sign to Angel City...this story will just *chef's kiss*.


	11. December 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don’t need champagne,  
> 
> 
> you’d rather be held tight and maintained."  
> 
> 
> \- Brent Faiyaz, _Talk 2 U_

_The end of December_

With a lot of pestering from both her and Christen and interest from the front office, Ali Riley officially joins LAFC in the middle of December. Suffice to say they have a starting back line now with Mia and Pirlo working full time signing players.

They have Ali, who will most likely be playing right back, Estelle Johnson from Sky Blue, the veteran Cameroonian defender being partnered with Hanna Glas, the Swedish center back. The three of them are good picks in terms of leadership and work ethic, and then there's Shannon, who will be the starting left back. And even though she’s only a year in the league, she’s fast and tenacious enough to hang with both her and Christen at their weekly practices.

The young defender has opened up a lot to Alex in the past few weeks. She’s still a bit skittish around Christen, but she’s come around a lot ever since Christen organized a dinner at Alex’s house a couple nights ago and invited most of their new teammates over who have already made the move out to LA.

They were close to having a full midfield too, after signing her Orlando Pride teammate Emily van Egmond and then pushing to buy out Lo Labonta from the Royals.

Not to mention they had the first pick in the draft come January, and a certain Stanford star is easily looking to be the number one pick. So now they had to just execute the rest. Practices would start after national team camp at the end of January, then they’d be off to the races until preseason in March.

Alex isn’t worried about the team – she knows they’ll be good. The only thing they’ll have to work out is playing under Pirlo’s coaching style. But team chemistry is good, if the dinner and drinks a couple nights ago was anything to go by.

She’s excited for the season, a restless energy has taken up residence inside of her and she’s pushing to let it all out. Training has helped and she finally got more gym equipment for her upstairs “yoga sanctuary” as Christen liked to call it. Speaking of her best friend, Alex needed to text her, make sure she’s back in the land of the living after her birthday festivities last night.

Thirty-two looked good on Christen and when she saw the party bus (fit with two stripper poles) pull up to her house and all their friends packed inside the night got crazy. Alex hadn’t been sure if Christen would go for it, but Kelley and Megan had practically been shoving martini’s at Christen as they were getting ready, so the smile and light whoop of excitement she let out at the sight of the party bus was enough to get everyone excited.

It was a wild night, Alex is surprised she doesn’t have more of a headache, but she stopped drinking around their arrival at the third bar because she knew Christen wasn’t going to make it to the fourth one. And when Christen stood up on the _actual_ bartop and gave a speech to the whole place, fit with enthusiastic wolf-whistles and applause, Alex knew it was time to go before they got kicked out. Franny had coaxed Christen down, Lee helped Alex round up most of the girls, and Sue slipped enough money to the bartender to cover whatever they all most likely damaged.

It’s a blur really after that, swings and made up routines around the stripper pole and everyone racing to finish the half full bottles of alcohol. The Gatorade Alex downed as they sped south on the 405 probably helped with her current situation, but she couldn’t say the same for her friends still knocked out in her guest rooms. Kenny, the other LAFC goalkeeper, had carried Christen into her house, Megan, Sue, and Kelley yelling goodbyes as they followed inside before their driver, Willis – bless his heart, took directions to drop off everyone else once Kenny got back on.

She made sure to give the man a hefty tip, if anything to cover the fact that his eardrums were most likely blown out but he still took the drunk directions everyone gave him like a champ. It was like a really long Uber pool by the time they got to Alex’s, Jill, Shannon, and Abby all jumping from the bus only to not know how to open Alex’s front gate and then trying to make a move towards the beach bar a block from her house when they couldn’t wrestle it open.

It had been a success of a night and Alex is pretty proud of it. December has passed in a glass bottle for her, at times it feels like she's living someone else’s life. She had one of her last face to face divorce meetings at the beginning of the month, Servando and her both deciding that the rest of their meetings could be teleconferences, before he flew back to Chicago. Seeing his forlorn face on the computer still left her exhausted, and she couldn't care less about the list Felicity had made her triple check every few days so they had no problems come finalizing everything. She just wanted to be done with it, but it seemed like it wouldn’t be completely done for at least another month. Paperwork, money exchanges, documents to sign, assets to actually turn over, were about to hit Alex hard once 2021 came around. She still had two days to enjoy until then though.

Alex pads out of her room, making sure not to make too much noise as she makes her way to the front of her house. Once she settles on her couch with a coffee she sends out a group text.

**Alex (9:07 am):** _You ladies alive?_

It’s a couple of minutes before she gets a response.

 **Megan (9:18 am):** _Barely._

**Kelley (9:19 am):** _I think I died sometime before_

_Lee stripped to Missy Elliott._

Alex laughs out loud at the memory and she won’t even lie, Lee had been pretty good. Once he stopped playing soccer he could probably make a lot of money in Vegas.

**Alex (9:19 am):** _It was definitely before that Worms lol._

_Is Chris up?_

**Kelley (9:20 am):** _She can’t find her phone, that’s_

_why she isn’t responding. But she’s alive!_

**Alex (9:21 am):** _It’s in the side pocket of Megan’s bag._

Alex had put it there because Christen hadn’t wanted to carry a purse, which meant once the alcohol really hit her phone started dropping from her hands every couple of minutes. Megan’s fanny pack had been the safest option.

Her phone buzzes again, this time with a picture message from Megan. Christen’s got a re-inc hoodie on, glasses perched low on her nose, head cradled in her hand with her eyes closed. Her hair is all wild curls but she doesn’t look like she spent last night swinging on a stripper pole...just tired.

**Megan (9:22 am):** _Our Dancing Queen is looking good!_

Alex has to agree, Christen’s whole look makes it seem like she had the time of her life last night. They’ll have to take the day to recover most likely since they’re all going to a huge New Years party in Malibu on Thursday sans Megan and Sue, who were heading to NY for New Years.

**Megan (9:22 am):** _A-Morg round the troops up. The wifey_

_is about to make breakfast, come over._

**Alex (9:23 am):** _Alright, we’ll be over in 30._

_Also you aren’t married._

**Megan (9:23 am):** _Not yet ;)._

Alex just smiles, no doubt in her mind that Sue and Megan would be engaged soon. She drops her phone, standing and moving towards the hallway to go wake up the dozing children.

Breakfast is a loud affair once they arrive, and Alex can’t help giving Christen a hard time about her shenanigans the previous night. Christen tries to deny it all but her and Megan both produce videos of Christen attempting to flip on one of the stripper poles and Jill shows another one of Christen’s speech atop the bar. The “I hate you all” Christen levels at them just as Sue announces everything is ready, depositing full plates of pancakes, bacon, hashbrowns, eggs and a bowl of fruit on Christen’s kitchen island, is the cherry on top.

Christen’s still got her head in her hands so Alex nudges the other woman softly, “What do you want Chris?”

Christen turns her head slightly, squinting her eyes even though she’s got her glasses on, “Just make double of whatever you get.”

Alex nods, rising up and moving to stack a plate full of food, making sure to load it with double the hashbrowns so Christen can combat her hangover. She pushes it in front of Christen when she’s done, the other woman giving her a thankful smile before Alex moves to make her own plate.

The rest of the morning is spent lounging around Christen’s house until Alex goes to drop off Jill and Shannon before making her way home to get ready for her next house guest.

It’s going on seven in the evening when Alex pulls her car around LAX, stopping in front of an incognito looking Jaime.

When the tall man hops into her car Alex just gives him a look. “Why are you wearing glasses? It’s dark.”

Jaime pulls the sunglasses off his face then gives her a gleeful smile, “It’s fun because it’s LA and people look at me and think I could possibly be a C-list celebrity or something.”

Alex just shakes her head at his antics and pulls into oncoming traffic. “You ready for a proper LA New Years?”

“Stop rubbing it in will you? My boyfriend ditched me for New Year’s Patty!”

Alex rolls her eyes, “His company is launching a project literally at midnight on New Years day. Would you rather be at his office?”

Luke worked at one of the software gaming companies in SF and is heading the launch of some next generation video game. All of it really went over Alex’s head but when Jaime called and told her about it, she asked if he wanted to spend New Years in LA instead.

Jaime sighs then shakes his head, “I hate tech companies.”

“Dont be bitter.” 

“Anyways, I’m starving!” Jaime announces, “Can we please go to that little tapas place near your house? I’ve been staring at the pictures on Yelp for three days.”

Alex hums in acknowledgment, she could go for some tapas. Jaime reaches forward and turns the volume up in the car, her most listened spotify 2020 playlist blasting through her speakers. The last day of the year is tomorrow and with a glance over at Jaime bobbing his head to the beat, she’s glad she’s spending it with people she loves.

*/||\\*

By the time they get up to the house in Malibu the next evening, the party is already spilling out onto the street. There are valet driving off with sports cars and people at the front gate with clipboards checking people in. Alex is glad that she at least knows who’s party this is and the colossal home she’s rented for the occasion, despite being packed out front, at least is on enough land to hold every single person. However, it’s barely 10 p.m. and already it looks like the entrance to a club – so much for being early.

But Cara had told her to just walk to the front, the model ensuring she would be out there so none of her friends actually had to wait. So when they pile out of the Uber, Jaime pulling Christen with him and Kelley and Liz jumping out after, Alex makes sure to move quickly to where she can see a tall blonde head talking to people at the front gate.

“Alex!” Cara calls out when she sees her, her friend’s English accent making Alex’s name sound far more exciting. “You look gorgeous.”

Alex thanks her friend glancing down at her gold dress and leather jacket. She knows she looks good, but it’s always nice to hear it from someone who gets paid to be beautiful. Cara pulls her into a tight hug, then does the same to Christen, who Alex introduced her to not too long ago when they all met up for dinner. She gushes over Christen’s bone straight hair that she pulled half away from her face and her friend’s silky green dress. Kelley is next and the two exchange a quick inside joke before Kelley introduces Liz and Alex introduces Jaime. Then Cara is waving them inside with a quick word to a stern looking woman with a clipboard and a “speak to you soon” to them.

Once they make it inside, Alex takes a second to survey her surroundings. The house is beautiful and luckily it doesn't seem nearly as crowded.

However, there are a lot of familiar faces inside, like most LA parties hosted by someone in the industry you’re bound to see people you know. So it takes awhile for them to finally make it outside, drinks and glittery 2021 headbands in hand, and the music from the DJ carrying into the night.

Most people it would seem are outside, the backyard expanding back so far that a pool, a large standing area with tables in the grass, another long bar and a basketball court can fit on the property. The house has to be in the twenty to thirty million range if not for the sheer size but for the view alone, the Pacific Ocean lapping in the distance, no other home blocking the view since the house is sitting cliffside.

They get pulled into different conversations once they step onto the grass and then they all meet back up at one of the small standing tables, Jaime depositing shots to everyone.

The clear liquid mocks Alex, tequila always making her crazy especially since she had been drinking only whiskey when they were getting ready. But fuck it, 2020 had been a crazy year for her and she might as well go out with a bang. Plus, there’s nothing like spending the first day of the new year hungover.

“Alright ladies and JT,” Kelley starts raising her plastic shot glass. “I love all of you and let’s hope 2021 will be even better than this one!”

“Here, here!” Jaime calls out as they all crash their shots together and then throw them back.

The night passes quickly after that, conversations and drinks passing between all them so easily that Alex has no idea the time. But at some point it becomes just her and Kelley at the small table, Jaime disappearing to find the bathroom and Liz and Christen going inside for another drink since the outdoor bar is crowded with people.

Alex spots them just inside the house, the large collapsible sliding glass door, adoring nearly half the house’s back wall, is open letting them have a good view of what’s going on inside the house. Christen and Liz are talking to a group of women, Alex recognizes one of them as the model from the Revolve party.

Something nags at Alex from the sight but she isn’t sure what it is. She turns to look back at Kelley who’s also staring up at where her girlfriend and Christen stand.

“Chris is a fucking catch Al.”

The sentiment makes Alex laugh slightly and raise an eyebrow at Kelley, “You sound like you want to date her.”

Kelley chuckles and shrugs, “Alas that ship has sailed. But if you would have said that to me ten years ago, I might have made some better decisions.”

It’s not lost on Alex that Kelley’s on her way to wasted. It still amazes her how much her friend can drink, like she’s still a twenty-two year old frat star and not pushing thirty-three.

But when Kelley’s words register Alex pauses. Make better decisions…what the hell did that even mean? Decisions about what?

“What are you talking about?”

Kelley gives Alex a weird look, a mix of both disbelief and humor, “You know what I mean, Christen’s like a mix of Mother Theresa and Pele, rolled up in that.” Kelley gestures toward the woman in question. “And it sucks that she still gets sad sometimes you know?”

Alex does know and she has to agree, it does suck. But she’s still having a difficult time understanding what Kelley’s earlier words meant. Maybe it’s the Don Julio talking.

Before she can ask Kelley anything further, she’s darting through the crowd, coming up on Liz and Christen as they take the steps down from the main house. Alex watches as a quick word is exchanged then Kelley is excitedly grabbing Liz’s hand, throwing a wave at Christen before she's pulling Liz back into the house.

Christen just watches them go then begins her walk towards Alex. It’s somewhat of a long trek through the grass so Alex has time to observe Christen.

She looks happy, the dark green of her silk dress catching just right, her hair blowing slightly in the cool night air. She looks as calm as she can, moving around everyone with a slight smile as she tries not to spill her drink.

“Where are they going?” Alex asks once Christen approaches.

“Oh, we saw someone who kind of resembles Drake inside.” Christen says and her voice sounds like she doesn’t believe it could possibly be the rapper. “Kelley’s going to investigate.”

Alex just shake of her head, “She’s crazy, she was just talking about how you’re the love child of Pele and Mother Theresa, if she wasn’t a nun of course.”

Christen coughs up some of her drink, her face confused, “What?”

“I honestly have no clue, she just said you’re a catch and she’s upset you still get sad sometimes.”

Christen looks thoughtful, “Yeah she gets like that when she thinks I’m still hurting since Tobin and I broke up.”

Alex raises her eyebrows in question. “Are you?”

“No. But, despite what I tell her, I think until she sees me with someone else she’ll assume so.”

Christen takes a slow sip of her drink and Alex’s eyes are drawn to how her throat moves slowly. Maybe the tequila was too much for her too because all the sudden she's feeling drunk. What the fuck?

Alex shakes her head and refocuses, Christen putting her drink down and shrugging one shoulder.

“Every once in awhile she'll bring up us in college and say how dumb she was because she didn’t try to seriously date me back then.” Christen says, a laugh on the tip of her tongue. “I think it’s her way of saying, hey listen, you might be single but you’re great.”

Alex narrows her eyes, reading between the lines and connecting what both her friends have said to her in the last five minutes. The realization dawns and Alex can't help when her mouth drops open.

“Wait, you slept with Kelley?”

Christen looks at her like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Like it’s something she assumed Alex already knew.

“Yeah, in college, it was a complete mess for a while.”

Alex doesn’t really know what to do with the information. Or how to feel about it.

“I never knew that.” She settles for lamely. 

“It’s not something we really advertise I guess.” Christen shrugs, her eyes searching across Alex’s face. Alex has no idea what Christen’s looking for and for the first time in a while she can’t read the expression on her best friend’s face.

Alex tries to school her shocked features. After sitting on it for a couple of seconds she realizes that it isn’t as surprising as she first thought. 

“It makes sense.”

“What do you mean?” Christen’s tone isn’t accusatory just inquisitive.

“I mean how you act with each other. It’s obvious you care a lot about each other, and sometimes it just seems like there was more.”

Christen nods. “I think I’m just really comfortable around her. She’s been there through all these significant points in my life and yeah we slept together when we were both teenagers but now she’s just one of my best friends.”

Alex hums then downs the rest of her drink, the alcohol burning the back of her throat. “She’s _my_ best friend you know.”

Christen just smiles,“I know.”

Alex waits a moment before adding. “You’re my best friend too Press.”

“I know.” Christen repeats, giving her a smile that makes Alex’s stomach do something weird. She hopes it's the alcohol because if not she needs to get a fucking grip.

Christen bites her bottom lip and looks curious, “Have you and Kelley ever?”

“Ever what?” Alex asks still trying to get a handle on what’s happening inside her head.

“You know – “

Alex scoffs, understanding what Christen’s asking, and god not her too.

“No.”

“Really?” Christen looks honest to god surprised. “I was so sure after Ann.”

Alex freezes and wonders if Christen knows truly about what happened after Ann. She didn’t think anyone knew and Kelley refused to even talk about it with her for a few weeks.

“Kelley and I have never been anything more than friends,” Alex clarifies. “You do remember I was married.”

Christen gives Alex a slightly apologetic look, “Oh, yes I know, and I don’t think you would ever cheat and well I mean Kelley said nothing has ever happened between you guys, but I don’t know. Anyways I’m just going to stop talking now.”

Alex watches Christen take a drink and she can’t help but laugh because what is even going on right now?

“It’s fine Chris really. Honestly, you’re like the last person on the team to ask if there’s something going on between me and Kelley.”

“Oh, well you’re welcome then.”

Christen gives her a somewhat relieved smile and Alex can’t help but return it. Their gazes are locked for a suspended moment and it feels like something is changing. Alex can’t get a tight enough grip on it to understand but then Christen is motioning to where a couple of people have started jumping in the pool and suddenly Alex’s attention is focused elsewhere.

“Hey gorgeous,” A voice says lowly and Alex turns to see the woman Christen was talking to earlier, the same model from a couple of months ago. Up close and without the darkness of the club surrounding them Alex can see the woman is beautiful. And the way she’s staring down at Christen, Alex is sure she won’t be letting her friend get away this time.

A light blush spreads across Christen’s cheeks when she turns, “Hey.”

A slow smile moves across Alex’s face because fucking finally and even though Alex has a small inkling that nothing too serious is going to come from this, Christen deserves some no strings attached fun - at least for a night.

“Keke this is my friend Alex,” Christen motions to Alex then back, “Alex, Keke.”

“Nice to meet you.” Alex gives Keke a light nod and the woman returns it with a smile.

“Nice to meet you as well, do you mind if I steal her away for the rest of the night?”

Alex’s eyebrows raise, slightly off put at the question directed at her instead of at Christen but Christen gives her a slight nod so Alex lets it slide.

“No, by all means.”

“I’ll see you later?” Christen asks, letting Keke take her hand.

“Of course.”

Alex watches them walk off, moving through the throngs of people. Keke says something to Christen that makes her laugh and for some reason Alex is straddling the line between being happy and being annoyed. She’s obviously too drunk to be having an inner monologue with herself.

_Fucking_ tequila.

“Oh my my, now I know why you ladies take so long in the bathroom.” Jaime says, finding Alex still in the same spot he left her and Kelley at almost twenty minutes ago to use the restroom. “I had a full conversation in line with some girl about monochrome shoes after she complimented mine.”

Alex doesn’t respond and Jaime follows her eyes, seeing her still watching as Keke leads Christen down to where the pool is located.

“Aw she found a princess charming, a hot one too.”

“Umhmm,” Alex keeps her eyes on the pair until there's too many people moving across her line of sight. She knows Christen can take care of herself, but having a general idea of where her best friend is doesn’t hurt, she at least knew where Kelley and Liz too.

“So, no prince or princess for you tonight babe?”

Alex shakes her head, shrugging, once the ink was dry on her divorce settlement then she would consider seriously dating again. But in the mean time, there was no need to kiss a stranger at a New Years party in LA, too many variables to consider.

“Nope.”

“Well then, looks like you’ll be puckering up to me at midnight.” Jaime fans himself. “I’m going to mentally prepare myself for what’s to come,”

“Looking forward to it, you better not taste like tequila.”

“Oh, looking to slip me some tongue? I’ll be!”

“Eww, you wish.”

“Yes, my days spent with a woman’s tongue down my throat ended the day I dropped out of Pi Kapp.”

Alex can’t help the laugh that bubbles up at the memory and Jaime joins in. Soon there full on hanging onto to each other as their laughter carries.

She’s wiping tears from her eyes once they calm down and then Jaime gives her a knowing smile, “Remember Leah Laine?”

“Oh my god, who could forget?”

And then they’re off, talking about their first two years of college and the girl they had both unknowingly hooked up with their second semester that led to them being friends and confidants.

College had been an eye opening experience for both of them, for Jaime he had finally decided to embrace who he knew he was and not the straight-laced All American rower from Pennsylvania and for Alex it was an opportunity to leave Diamond Bar and the small town pressures and see what was out there.

Leah Laine had easily been one of the coolest people Alex had met at Cal, she was president of the Cal’s ACLU as a sophomore, and organized so many different protests and initiatives Alex’s freshman year that she thought the girl might as well run for president. She was the first girl Alex considered seriously pursuing after they hooked up a couple times her second semester, but to her surprise and dismay she’d walked into a frat party and saw Leah two tongues deep with a guy.

Said guy was Jaime and the two of them had found her later on in the night, licking her wounds and pretending she didn’t care. But Leah had walked right up to Alex, introduced her to Jaime, and said that they both had a lot to talk about then was gone, dark curly hair and equally smooth skin disappearing amongst the crowd of grinding college kids.

At the time, Alex had no idea what Leah meant, and she’d been too pissed to try and chase after the girl. Instead she leveled a glare at Jamie who just stuck is hands in his pockets, rocked back and forth on his heels then blurted out, “So I’m gay.”

She’d basically spit out her drink and just looked at him, seeing what Leah probably saw too. Alex had decided then to give Jaime some truth back because he took a look around the frat house and seemed terrified.

“Uh cool? I'm bi.”

It had been the first time Alex said it out loud, although something she knew about herself but never really explored until college. She never felt the need to verbalize it but the validation it seemed to give them both in that moment was a feeling she will never forget. 

He’d walked her back to her dorm that night, words spilling out of both their mouths the whole way, a friendship quickly forming.

“She gave both of us our real sexual awakening.” Jaime takes a sip from his drink bring her back to the present. “Props to her.”

It was true, after that Alex just decided to show interest in who she was attracted to. Then she met Servando and he made her smile, laugh, and was kind. Their relationship came easy and the rest of her college days she spent with him. Jaime on the other hand, dropped out of his frat by the end of their first year, and lived the single life until a couple of years ago when he reconnected with Luke.

But yes, props to Leah Laine.

“I wonder what she’s up to.” Alex says and Jaime's eyes turn excited.

“Oh, I saw her not too long ago, she’s a defense lawyer and runs a non-profit in SF. Married, has a kid, still beautiful as ever and breaking hearts for sure.”

“Wouldn’t even be surprised.”

Alex considers looking her up and contacting her, she’d probably be someone great to get into one of the re-set the table events.

Jaime is opening his mouth to say more but suddenly someone’s colliding with his back and his drink spills over the rim and onto his cuffs and the ground. Kelley quickly comes into view looking eager. 

“Damnit, watch it O’Hara, this is Versace.”

Kelley gives him a wry smile, “Alex will buy you another one.”

Jaime looks partly appeased by her words and Alex just rolls her eyes and smiles at Liz who hands Jaime some napkins.

“Babe, you’ll buy him a new shirt.”

“Whatever, I’ll get it dry cleaned for you okay JT?” Kelley accepts then turns to Alex. “I had to get over here as quickly as possible because our little flower is finally starting to bloom!”

Alex gives Kelley a confused look but then Kelley is pointing across the large backyard, down towards where people have congregated and started dancing over by the pool. Alex and Jaime both follow her finger to see what she’s pointing at and there’s Christen arms wrapped around Keke’s taller frame as they dance closely.

“Well thank the heavens,” Jaime says and then the countdown is starting.

“Fifty-nine, Fifty- eight, - “ The DJ begins and then the whole party’s attention has turned to watching the large projector countdown.

Alex lets herself relish in the atmosphere around her, happy that her friends are all accounted for and having a good time. Around her people are starting to pair off, the age old tradition of ringing the New Year in with a kiss not lost, and Alex is hoping for the New Year to bring her closure. 2020 has brought so much change into her life that she’s hoping the parts holding her back are left behind just as the clock hits zero.

“Come here Alexandra, make me the happiest guy here!” Jaime yells over the crowd.

“Twelve, Eleven, Ten-“

Alex turns to see Kelley already pulling Liz in and then she can’t help her gaze as it turns to search for Christen. She finds her easily and from a distance Alex thinks she looks content, wrapped up in someone who wants her.

“Four, Three, Two –“

Alex turns away just as she sees Keke lean down.

“Alright Jaime, no tongue!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it babe.” Jaime says, giving Alex a swift kiss just as everyone yells out Happy New Year.

It’s a round of celebratory hugs and refilling champagne flutes as the music starts up again and Alex wonders what’s in store for her. She knows it’ll be crazy and she can already feel something shifting, she just doesn’t know what it is.

She just hopes she’s prepared for it.

*/||\\*

Alex thinks she probably shouldn’t have had those extra “the first hour in the new year” shots with Jaime because now she’s drunk. When the lights inside the house start to cross she knows it's probably time to leave. When her and Jaime find Kelley and Liz again, Christen's there too, sans Keke. Christen takes one look at Alex and announces it's time to leave.

Jaime and Kelley shout words of disagreement and Alex just hands her extra key to Jaime because there's no way she's about to try and get those two to leave. They both promise Christen that they won't drink any more celebratory shots before they meet back at Alex’s whenever they decide to leave the party. Alex doesn't trust his salute and it seems like neither does Christen, but Liz gives them some reassurance.

Christen disappears for a couple minutes, Alex has no idea where to, but then she materializes again, easy smile on her face and pulls Alex out of the party and into a waiting Uber.

“I’m sorry I made us leave early.” Alex says as Christen wraps an arm around her waist as the Uber pulls away from the curb on the side of her house. “You could have stayed, went home with Keke or something.”

Christen laughs and Alex likes the sound, the light way it fills the quiet air around them. “I wasn’t going to go home with her, it’s fine.”

Alex can faintly hear the sound of the waves crashing and what sounds like the bar further down as they walk to her closed garage. Alex watches Christen punch in the code to open it, the look of slight concentration on her face making her eyes glow in the light of the moon.

“Are you going to see her again?”

Christen turns towards her as the garage starts to open and they move towards her back door, “I think so, she’s fun and interesting.”

“Plus, she’s like, super hot.” Alex takes a second to lean back against the wall once she gets inside. “You two looked good together.”

Christen just laughs and pulls Alex towards her room. "Come on, let's get you in bed before you pass out where you stand."

"I'm not that drunk." And really, Alex isn't. Things are only just starting to get fuzzy again and her body is feeling pretty tired but other than that she's walking straight and not slurring her words, so she's good. 

When she turns into her room, her bed is almost sparkling, like a full heavenly invitation. She can't help her self when she dives into it face first. 

She hears Christen chuckle behind her, "Turn over." 

Alex groans and does as requested. She casts a look down towards the foot of the bed, the light smile on Christen's face making Alex feel like the room isn't close to spinning. 

Alex can't help the words that tumble from her mouth. “You look really pretty like this.” 

“Like what?” Christen asks, focused on pulling Alex’s booties off.

“Happy.” Alex mumbles and her head is starting to feel too heavy to keep up so she just lets herself fall back.

“Goodness Al, at least let me get your jacket off.”

Alex waves a hand in the air, “Don’t bother, it’s cold.”

The bed is soft under her and Alex already feels her eyes starting to close.

“Fine, get some sleep drunkie.” Christen says, pulling the blanket over Alex. “I’m going to go make sure Kel and Jaime are still functioning and Liz is good.”

“When they get here, just push me over when you come to bed, okay?” She mumbles, her body molding into the contours of the comfiest bed she’s probably ever purchased.

Christen chuckles, turning off the light and Alex looks up seeing Christen by the door.

“Happy New Year Chris.” Alex realizes she never said the words to her.

She can barely see Christen, her silhouette at the door the only sign her friend is still there. Alex leans back down and her eyes close. She falls asleep before she hears Christen whisper the Happy New Year in return.

*/||\\*

When she wakes up, Alex thinks she’s in the twilight zone. Her room is bright as hell and her head is pounding steadily – happy fucking January 1st. She let’s out a groan because those last two shots she had with Jaime had tasted like water and that never led to good decisions, but she remembers Christen putting her to bed and the other woman coming in later in the night, the rest of their friends waking Alex up as they stumbled through the door at who only knows what hour.

The only signs Christen had slept in her room are the Advil sitting on her night table and the bright ass sun streaming through her open blinds. Alex dry swallows the pills, too sluggish to grab the water bottle she accidentally knocks over and tries to gain some semblance of reality when she gets up.

She realizes that she’s hot and glances down to see she’s still in her dress and leather jacket from the night before. When she finally pulls herself into the bathroom and glances at the reflection in the mirror she can’t help but think she’s looked worse. There are streaks of glitter on her face and in her hair, probably from the 2021 gold headband she was wearing and her mascara is smudged around her eyes, but she definitely feels worse than she looks – which in her book – is a definite win. Thirty – one and thriving.

Alex finally meanders into her kitchen after taking a long hot shower, washing her face, and brushing the dead animal taste from her mouth.

The sight before her confirms her twilight zone theory.

“What the hell?” She whispers to herself as she looks around her living room.

The table is set, plates of food littering the middle of it, bacon, sausage, avocado toast, a bowl of mixed fruit and freaking pancakes. Jaime and Christen are doing yoga in between her couch and the mounted television, and they’ve yet to notice her standing there mouth agape from the sight of Jaime doing yoga – his large frame following the easy way Christen’s lithe body changes positions.

Alex hears some clanging and muted conversation coming from her kitchen so she moves towards the sounds, entering to see Kelley and Liz fidgeting with her espresso machine.

“You two look entirely too chipper right now.”

“Janice!” Kelley exclaims, turning towards her before pointing back to the machine. “Why is this so hard to work? Is it from Italy or something?”

Alex walks over, pulling a part from one of her drawers and attaching it to the top, the machine turns on instantly. “No, it’s from Costco.”

Kelley deposits a small cup in the appropriate place and rubs her hands together. “Thank you, but like who keeps an essential part in a drawer?”

“I do,” Alex answers then asks, “Who cooked?”

“Me and Liz. Chris helped too.” Kelley responds eyes on the espresso machine as it starts up.

Liz walks up to Alex and leans over to whisper. “They haven’t slept.” She jerks her head at Kelley. “We got back at three in the morning and then her and Jaime chugged two Red Bulls each. I think they’re both still drunk.”

“Should she be drinking that much caffeine?”

Kelley, unbeknownst to their conversation, pulls the small cup away and Alex can see the steam rising from across the kitchen.

“You try to stop her.” Liz says and Alex just shakes her head, “Uh no.”

Alex knows how Kelley can get when she’s riding a full bender and wants something. It’s like the Tasmanian Devil but on steroids.

“My point exactly.” Liz answers knowingly and they just watch as Kelley takes a full sip. The crash would certainly come later.

Alex walks out of the kitchen and basically falls onto the couch. Jaime’s eyes open and he loses his balance in the tree position him and Christen are holding.

“There’s my first kiss of 2021!” He says, his arms wide open and his lips puckered as if he’s going to lay another on her.

“Ew, stop.” Alex pushes back on his chest and she hears Christen giggling behind Jaime’s frame.

Alex pushes Jaime over and he lands on the couch next to her. He does still faintly smell like alcohol so just like with Kelley she’ll wait for the crash.

Christen’s still moving through her yoga moves with ease then turning to look at Alex once she comes up from a position.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” Alex says, feeling grounded in the moment. “I’m glad at least someone is putting the yoga mats to use.”

Christen gestures towards Jaime who’s eyes are closed, “I wanted to do it upstairs in the work out room but this guy wouldn’t go up the staircase.”

Jaime’s eyes pop open, “Hey, spiral staircases make me dizzy. I literally stopped drinking like two hours ago, I’m trying to not throw up here babe.”

Alex and Christen both just laugh and then Christen’s moving to sit next to her. “How are you feeling?”

“Not too bad, the shower helped. Thank you for getting me home safely.”

Christen waves a hand at her, “It’s fine. I just can’t believe you actually went to bed in your leather jacket. I tried to get you to take it off again when I came in but you wouldn’t budge.”

“Yeah, I woke up hot as fuck.”

“I’ll say.” Jaime pipes in and then Kelley is barreling into the living room.

“Let’s eat people! The food is going to get cold.”

They all sit around Alex’s large dining table, passing the dishes around until plates are full.

“Okay, so tell me what happened after we left.” Alex asks, picking up a piece of bacon and taking a bite.

Jaime and Kelley immediately start talking over each other, painting a picture of the rest of the evening that started out classy and soon developed into mayhem. Liz provides much needed clarification on certain matters, like the Drake look-a-like and talking Jaime out of belly flopping into the pool with some NBA players. Alex is honestly bummed that she was fast asleep when all this was occurring but again, Jaime and Kelley both drank like they were still in college, the fact they were still awake to tell the tale is a huge feat in itself.

“Enough about us,” Jaime waves his hand. “I already know who Alex kissed at midnight –“ he points at himself, “Yours truly. But Ms. Press, do tell the crowd how your night went before you had to take Patty home.”

Alex glares at Jaime, throwing a grape at him that hits him square between the eyes. He’s slow to react but just pops the fruit into this mouth with a smile.

All eyes on the table turn to Christen and she just shrugs her shoulders, “There’s really not much to tell.”

Kelley points her fork at Christen, “Aww Pressy don’t play all coy now, we all saw it with our own eyes. You were macking with a model!”

“A super hot, stylishly dressed, Victoria Secret one at that.” Jaime adds.

“She also couldn’t take her eyes off of you most of the night.” Liz says and Alex can relate, Christen looked good last night and she’s not surprised a lot of people noticed.

Alex watches Christen’s reaction though and if it wasn’t for the light blush on her face Alex would think she didn't care at all.

“She’s really fun,” Christen takes a deep breath and levels a look at all of them. “I’ll probably see her again.”

Christen smiles as Jaime and Kelley erupt into loud whoops and Alex claps her hands lightly, because even if it’s vague interest on Christen’s part, at least she’s putting herself out there again.

It probably won’t amount to much but Christen deserves to have different experiences, figure out what felt right to her…who felt right. Alex knew everything that happened with Tobin recently caused Christen to somewhat stutter, and Alex could understand why.

She felt the same in every divorce meeting, looking at Servando in a way that had her wondering what had gone wrong and how they ended up there. But then she would leave her lawyer’s office, and realize that she was in better place, happier, grounded and supported, and ready to take on the next chapter of her life.

But being around someone you shared so much of your life with and no longer spoke to like before is a lot to take in sometimes.

So it's good to see that Christen’s at the point where she’s willing to try again and Alex is excited for her. And she knows Christen will be equally excited when Alex is ready herself.

The rest of breakfast they talk about their favorite memories from the previous year, plans for this one, and their plans for the rest of the day.

Kelley and Jaime crash right after breakfast, both passing out on the couch for a couple of hours before they wake up feeling in their words “rejuvenated”.

They end up at the beach with most of their friends, Lee and the boys coming up to Venice and bringing with them stories of how they almost all got kicked out of some Hollywood club last night.

It’s relaxing, lying out in the sun, and letting it bake off the hangover. Kelley and Liz are surfing, Jaime is up playing paddle ball with the guys, and Christen’s laid out next to her on her stomach, nose deep in a book.

If the rest of the year was going to be like this, Alex can't see herself complaining at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think! 
> 
> Update: fixed a couple of things here and there.


	12. January 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We cut and we grow,  
> 
> 
> remember I told you that we would be closer,  
> 
> 
> if we took some time further apart."  
> 
> 
> \- Kelela, _Better_

_The end of January_

“Damn Queen P, looks like today just isn’t your day.” Ashlyn says as she watches the golf ball Christen attempted to hit straight sail far off to the right, hitting the tall net barrier and dropping pitifully near one of the other stalls.

Christen sighs, depositing the golf club back into the rack and sitting down next to Pinoe who rubs at her shoulder.

“It’s okay babygirl. We’ll go bowling tomorrow or something.” She doesn’t respond, just drops her head to rest of Megan’s shoulder as Ali goes up to the small turf square.

She honestly hates golf. The only aspect of it she ever had any interest in was when her Dad used to let her and her sisters drive the cart around when she was thirteen.

She thinks she hates TopGolf even more though, it’s basically the worst part of a golf course – the driving range – but now where you hit the ball is actually scored. Maybe she’d like it more if she was good at it, but the large colored holes in the ground mock her every time she steps up to attempt to hit the small ball off the rubber tee. Suffice to say she prefers kicking around a larger ball and would much rather be shopping with Julie and Crystal right now. But Pinoe wouldn’t take no for an answer so here she is – at least there’s food.

Christen reaches over, taking a French fry off of the small plate Megan’s holding and popping it into her mouth.

Even though she sucks at golf, she’s still enjoying the time spent with her friends. The year so far had started off amazing for her to say the least, she felt so much contentedness in her daily activities, yoga in the mornings at the beach, meditating, training with the girls, running a company. It all felt so purposeful and with it all she’s glad to be comfortable in herself after so many different changes.

The anniversary of her mother’s passing still brought a wave of sadness through her, sometimes regret. But she seized it because that grief opened up a happiness in her that had her embracing the years she did spend with her mother instead of missing the years she wouldn't. And for the second straight year she was surrounded by her friends, by people who showed her that her mother’s love was infinite because it was in them. In how tightly they held her, in the words they shared with her, in how she felt filled with joy in those moments. She's thankful for them, and for the support that's unwavering.

Christen’s phone buzzes in her jacket pocket and she pulls it out to look at the text notification.

**Alex (6:11 pm):** _Did you yell out four_

_on that shot you sliced?_

Christen rolls her eyes good-naturedly, wondering how on earth Alex would know that she possibly could have taken someone out just now. Her friend is somewhere with Sonnet and Kelley, probably eating or getting coffee in downtown Phoenix.

**Christen (6:11 pm):** _For your information,_ _everyone’s perfectly safe._

_How’d you know though?_

She watches the three dots appear almost immediately before her phone buzzes in her hand.

**Alex (6:12 pm):** _Lol, Ash’s insta story._

Christen closes their text thread and opens instagram. Sure enough when she clicks on Ashlyn’s story the most recently uploaded video is of her last shot pinging out of the frame. It’s comical watching it and she can’t even be mad because she knows she’s pretty horrible.

When she’s back on her home page the top picture is of Keke. She hasn’t seen the woman since New Years and she looks beautiful, her long brown hair is shining and it looks like she’s getting her make-up done for some photoshoot. The picture is geotagged in New York City and Christen only hesitates for a second before double-tapping it.

New Years feels so long ago, but it had felt good, to be wanted and to want someone again in return. But the thing is, the thing she’s always known is that dating around isn’t something she’ll ever find interest in.

There are so many ways people see relationships and finding someone whose idea of a relationship fit with hers is the chapter she's on. Keke is beautiful, she's fun, and she was exciting in the time Christen spent in her company. But Christen knew she was someone who had come into her life only for a moment, to show her that yes, she was ready, but that didn’t mean she was the _one_. And she learned that fairly quickly, after texting for a bit the model was off to New York, and she made it abundantly clear she wasn’t looking for a relationship but was open to the casual perks of having someone in LA when she was back.

Christen appreciated the honesty, the transparency, but she also knew it didn’t align with what she wanted. She needed consistency and casual to her also meant that the other person wasn’t ready for commitment. And she’s ready for that and she doesn’t need anyone to validate that she is worthy of it either.

She feels worthy on her own and that had been the most important thing she had to reset within herself. That idea that her identity wasn’t attached to someone else, that being alone sometimes was what was needed in that moment. And sure she’s going to make mistakes, but stumbling is a far cry from giving up on love. It had taken her a year to make those connections, to step into those difficult moments without anxiousness and a need for everything to be perfect. But she did it and she feels so much better for it.

Christen feels a soft tap on her head and she sits up. Pinoe gives her a soft look, knowing she had been off in her thoughts for a while. “You’re up again CP.”

She stands, smiling and moving towards the rack. Tobin’s depositing her own club in the left handed rack and she gives Christen an easy smile.

“Try to go for the red circles Chris, you got it.” Tobin reassures her and then moves past her back towards their friends.

Christen fights the urge to look back, instead just continuing her initial route to the small green turf square. But she still wonders often how Tobin's doing. The last year had been transformative for Christen and she knows that at times it had to be for Tobin too. The other woman was painting more, creating beautiful pieces to accompany the different drops they had for re-inc and the pieces had so much vibrancy now, no longer so dark with harsh jagged lines. They had a lightness to them now, and with the popsicle drop coming next month it’s obvious that something in Tobin had changed too. 

When Christen lines up her shot she decides to listen to the suggestion, there isn’t really any use trying to put any power behind the swing when she had no technical control. So she decides to just aim straight, for the lit up small red circles that are closest to the tees.

She takes a breath, hearing her friends behind her, and pulls back and swings. The ball doesn’t go far, but it _does_ go straight, bouncing once, twice, and then into the red circle just in front of their stall.

There’s a sound that goes off to showcase she hit it into one of the holes and her friends cheer loudly behind her.

“Atta girl, Pressy!”

Ashlyn comes up, phone in hand with camera pointed at her, “She did it everyone, practice makes perfect Queen!”

Christen just laughs and puts her hand up to cover the phone, but Ashlyn maneuvers it away and then turns the camera on Alyssa in the next stall.

“Uncle’s up next girls, she’s very serious about her golf so we have to be very quiet.” Ashlyn says from behind her phone and they all immediately quiet down. Alyssa seems unfazed though and just swings the golf club, smacking the ball hard and true, and they all watch it fly through the air towards the furthest large white circles in the ground.

There's another loud sound that rings out, the mounted television monitors showing the large white circle at the back of the range lighting up. 

Ashlyn and Pinoe run up quickly but Alyssa turns, arms already outstretched in the calm down motion she used when she saved the penalty against England at the World Cup.

Christen sits down and leans back, laughing as Alyssa pushes past them to put the club away, Pinoe and Ashlyn still yelling out in earnest.

Ali leans into Christen from next to her, “You think we can sneak away and they won’t notice? I’m trying to order more food.”

Christen smiles and nods, her and Ali standing up quickly and moving towards the entryway to go place their orders at the bar since their server is probably occupied with the other full stalls around them.

They’re moving slowly in the short line when Ali turns to Christen again.

“So, we haven’t really told anyone yet but I have an IVF session at the end of next week.” Ali looks a mix of nervous and thrilled.

“Oh my god, Ali! That’s so exciting!” Christen pulls Ali into a hug, squeezing her friend tightly. She’s known since Ali and Ash got married that kids were on the horizon, but next week holy moly it’s really happening.

Two of her closest friends are going to be mothers!

“Thank you,” Ali says pulling out of the hug. “I’m so antsy about it I couldn’t hold it in any longer, we are going to tell Tobs, Lyss and Pinoe on the ride back. So act surprised.”

Christen giggles and can’t help the large smile on her face, “Of course.”

They chat a little more about the details and then make their way back to the group once they order more fries. They're met with jeers about disappearing and not coming back with anything good by Ash and Pinoe but Ali looks so happy Christen barely hears them. They play another round before they leave and when Ashlyn and Ali break the news halfway into their ride back the van is silent for about two beats before it erupts, Tobin and Pinoe yelling (the latter breaking out into tears after a second), Alyssa has her hands on her head and Christen just relishes in the happiness and thoughts of a soon to be baby.

*/||\\*

The next day practice passes quickly and Christen finds herself back in her room with Mal. The young forward spread out across the bed opposite Christen's and groaning about Rose taking too long with their food.

“It’s only been ten minutes Mal,” Christen informs the girl, not looking up from her book. It’s a murder mystery book by Delia Owens that Franny had gotten her for her birthday and she hadn’t had enough time to read it.

Mallory just makes a huff in annoyance and then falls back on her bed. Christen chuckles at the dramatics of it all.

She maybe gets one more chapter through before there’s a knock at the door.

“Finally!” Mal rolls and stands up making her way to the door, “Rose you better have a good reason why it took you forty-five minutes to- ”

Christen hears the door open and Mal’s words die on her tongue.

“You’re not food, ugh.” The door shuts and Mal appears again pointing a thumb behind her. “Dad’s here.”

Tobin’s figure comes into view behind Mal and Christen sits up.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“I was wondering if you had a minute?” Tobin asks and her stare doesn’t waver from Christen’s face. Christen knows the look of almost every emotion that can pass across Tobin’s face, this time it’s determination. And she can tell Tobin wants to say whatever she needs to say to just her.

She looks over at Mal, who’s sitting on the edge of her bed and looking between the two of them.

Tobin looks over at Mal then too, “It won’t take that long.”

Mal glances over at Christen, and she gives her a quick look she knows Mal understands.

“Okay parental controls activated, got it.” Mal stands, grabbing her phone and slipping on her slides. “I’m going to go find Rose.”

Mal slips past Tobin and then the door shuts and they’re alone. They haven’t been alone like this since Tobin was in LA and with Tobin hovering by the small hallway it's making Christen antsy. She gestures to Mal’s now empty bed for Tobin to sit down. 

“Is everything okay?” Christen asks when Tobin settles across from her. Tobin doesn’t have any other energy about her except a determined calmness so Christen has no idea what to expect. They aren’t exactly friends, teammates and business partners, yes, but friends...no.

Camp has been the first time they’ve seen each other in person, other than on company Zoom calls, since they slept together two months ago and she’s not afraid to admit she’s still trying to navigate the new dynamic between them. Despite her suggesting the change, cultivating this new type of relationship between them and actually sticking to it, had been different. 

“Everything’s fine, sorry to kick Mal out.” Tobin starts, rubbing her hands down her legs, a sign of nervousness Christen notices.

“Tobin, what is it?”

Tobin sits up straight, “I want to tell you something.”

Christen tilts her head in question, “Okay.”

There’s a moment of unfiltered eye contact and Christen can see the vulnerability in Tobin’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

The two words catch Christen off guard. The intensity in the moment is unflinching but the apology is lost on her though. She doesn’t have the slightest idea as to what Tobin’s apologizing for.

“Okay, what are you sorry for?”

“God Chris, so many things,” Tobin starts softly, “I was selfish and prideful in so many aspects of our relationship. And you were right, since we broke up I felt so disconnected from you and I hated that. I turned back to doing what I thought would make me forget that we were over and again that was selfish of me, because, in the grand scheme of it all, a part of me wanted you to know that I had been with other women.”

Hearing the words only confirm Christen’s thoughts on the matter, but it doesn't hurt. Maybe it would have a couple months ago, she's not sure. But it is the first time that she’s ever heard Tobin admit to the things she’s saying now and right now she has Christen’s undivided attention because she knows her ex-girlfriend has more to say.

Tobin looks away for a moment then sighs, “I’m sorry that I couldn’t be a better friend to you, that I didn’t respect your boundaries or really try to be better.”

Christen shakes her head, “Tobin, I don’t want you to think that you just ran through my choice when we slept together. I wanted to in that moment, I crossed my own line in the sand.”

“I know that, but I also know that I was nowhere near ready to even admit to myself that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. And I put expectations on you in that moment that I couldn’t even meet myself. So I’m sorry for that.”

Christen nods and she knows that her next words are for Tobin and Tobin alone. Because she had already forgiven the other woman and herself in regards to what happened between them.

“I accept your apology.”

Tobin takes a deep breath and looks relieved, “Thank you, I finally took your advice and decided to try and figure my shit out.”

“I’m happy for you,” Christen admits honestly. “I can tell this was difficult for you but it’s amazing to see.”

Tobin gives Christen one of her lazy smiles, one that slants across her face when she’s embarrassed. “I still have a long way to go but these last two months have been really good for me.”

Christen’s heart fills at the words because that’s all she’s ever wanted. And just because they aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean she doesn’t wish for happiness in Tobin’s life – mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

“There’s also one more thing.” Tobin says looking back at Christen. 

Christen raises her eyebrows in question, “Okay.”

“I really want to try to create a really solid friendship with you Chris,” Tobin says sincerely; and how can Christen even object to that? A friendship between them was always going to be something that came about on Tobin’s time, and here she is extended that branch to Christen.

She still takes a moment to think about it. Think about if she’s ready for this because of how different it has been over the last two months. A friendship like this is unchartered territory for them now. It's a friendship that is _actually_ building from the ashes of a relationship, a clean slate. Christen decides easily, no use of continuing to miss something that's orbiting back into her life. 

“I’d like that.” Christen answers and Tobin looks encouraged.

There’s a knock at the door and Christen gives Tobin an apologetic look, unsure if there’s anything more that she needed to say. Whoever’s at the door she’ll try to just shoo away for at least another couple of minutes.

When she pulls the door open Alex’s blue eyes zero in on her, “Press, you weren’t texting back. It’s past coffee time and you left me with Kelley.”

Christen gives Alex an apologetic look and she’s about to respond in kind, knowing that with a couple of words Alex would get it. But she doesn’t get to explain because Alex is looking over her shoulder and her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline for a moment before she quickly gives a light smile. Alex’s poker face is good, but not that good - at least not with her. 

“Tobs, hey.” Alex greets then looks back at Christen. “I’ll be in Kelley’s room, eyes bleeding from watching her and Emily do weird Tik Toks.”

“You’re good Alex. I was just going.” Tobin explains and moves past them both. “I’ll see you guys later.”

Tobin gives Christen one last smile before turning down the hallway. Alex watches her walk away then turns back to Christen.

“Well isn’t that something.”

Christen rolls her eyes at Alex’s playful smile then goes back into the room, leaving it open so Alex can follow her.

“We just talked.”

“Umhmm.”

“Well mostly Tobin talked, I listened. It was different,” Christen smoothes out her hair and steps into her sneakers. “It was really nice.”

“Tell me about it on the walk?”

Christen bends to pick up her bag, “Not much to tell really. She’s working through everything, and I think she’s recognizing a lot of reasons why we are where we are. And she’s ready to try to be friends.”

“Friends, or _friends_?” Alex emphasizes and Christen pushes at Alex’s shoulder as she opens the door.

“Just friends.”

“Alright well, I support whatever you think is right for you. You’re in such a good headspace right now, honestly I need some of whatever you’re having.”

They walk down the hall and into the empty elevator to head down to the lobby. When the doors shut slowly she takes Alex’s hand. “You’re doing the best you can.”

Alex squeezes Christen’s hand in her own and Christen knows the last few weeks have been weighing heavy on Alex’s shoulders. Her divorce is about to be finalized and despite waiting for the day to come since she first handed Servando the divorce papers, the day actually approaching is a whole new and difficult reality for her friend.

“Thank you,” Alex whispers the sentiment and then takes a deep breath just as the elevator doors roll open and they walk out.

Alex is staring down at her phone when they hit the sidewalk, brandishing it in Christen’s face.

“We are getting these the second we touch down in LA.”

Christen squints her eyes and sees an instagram post by Gracias Madre. It’s the jackfruit tacos and some margaritas, and Christen’s stomach quickly grumbles.

“Agreed.”

Alex pulls her phone away from Christen’s face as they start walking towards the coffee shop down the street, “I’m going to text in the team group text, see who wants to meet us there.”

“Maybe just us?” Christen tries not to blush at the sound of embarrassment in her own voice. “It’s been awhile since we went to Gracias Madre just the two of us.”

Christen missed their talks over guac and margaritas, talks not so entrenched in the upcoming NWSL season and football. In some weird way Christen misses her best friend, someone who only in a year has become so constant that she missed her even when she saw her every day.

“Aww you miss hanging out with me Pressy?”

Christen laughs at the way Alex easily slings an arm around her shoulders as they walk towards the coffee shop. “We hang out basically every day Al, but when it is just the two of us you’re more inclined to pick up the check.”

Alex drops her arm from Christen's shoulder and gives her an astonished look, “Did you just call me your sugar mama?”

“You going to pay for my coffee?”

Alex gives Christen a panicked look, tapping her jacket and pants pockets as if searching for her wallet. “Aww hell, it looks like I left all my cash at the hotel.”

“You’re so full of it,” Christen reaches into Alex’s jacket and pulls out her small wallet. “I should run up your black AmEx while I have the chance.”

“Oh please don’t, I’m in the midst of a divorce Christen.” Alex says, but the smile doesn't fully stretch. 

Christen gives Alex an understanding look. Knowing that the jokes she’s tried to use were just to tamper down the sadness blooming.

“You don’t have to pretend with me Al.”

“I know, it’s more for myself.” Alex pulls the door open to the coffee shop and holds it open for Christen to walk in first. “Do you want to just sit in here?”

Christen can see the restless energy around Alex, and the chess table in the corner of the shop Alex is staring at. At least the game would give her something to focus on.

“Sure,” Christen tosses Alex her wallet. “I’m buying, my treat.”

“Wow I bet that’s not something a sugar mama hears often.” Alex says it loud enough to draw the eye of the barista and Christen just pushes Alex towards the back of the coffee shop to prevent her from saying anything else.

Once Christen orders and grabs their drinks she makes her way over to where Alex is staring down intently at the chessboard. When she looks up, the look in her eyes is sad but turns a little brighter. Something inside Christen shifts and she knows that if anything, she needs to cheer up her friend.

The chess game passes slowly, but it’s easy. It gives Alex something to do with her hands, something to occupy her thoughts, and it gives Christen time to share and listen. They stay nestled in the back corner for three hours, long enough to share a piece of coffee cake, that isn’t nearly as good as the ones back home, and long enough for their teammates to start blowing up their phones because team meeting is starting in ten minutes.

When they get back to the hotel and slip into the conference room Kelley starts a slow clap that the rest of the team picks up on. Alex does a bow, before pushing down Kelley’s hands and sitting down beside her. Christen just smiles slightly embarrassed for being late and slips into her usual seat next to Pinoe.

“Everything okay?” Pinoe asks, eyes traveling towards Tobin’s form, who seconds before just turned back towards the front, and Christen knows she’s either heard from Tobin or knew beforehand what was going to happen.

“Great actually,” Christen answers honestly and Megan gives her a smile before they turn to the front just as Vlatko pulls up the first PowerPoint screen.

Formations and tactics are what they focus on most of the meeting, some film of their last two games against France playing on the screen. The SheBelieves cup is kicking off in two days and playing a team they hadn’t seen since the World Cup is ought to bring excitement come Saturday.

Then they’ll play Spain and Brazil and then the tournament would be over. Christen can’t help but think about what happens then.

Their first official practice for LAFC is set the Monday following their game against Brazil. It’ll be the first official meeting of their whole team since the college draft and recent signings. It’s the start of something great (she’s already manifesting it) and most likely the last team she’ll ever play for. And with three Stanford alumni on the team, with her and Ali and now Catarina Macario, who was first round pick in the draft, she can’t wait to rub it in Alex’s face once practices start up.

Vlatko ends the meeting with a word about dinner in three hours and then dismisses them. Once Christen’s back in her room, Alex is making herself comfortable on her bed picking up the remote and Rose and Mal are whispering between each other on the other bed.

Christen gives them an odd look, “What are you two up to?”

“Let’s play a game!” Rose answers and Christen just turns to look at Alex.

“Hey, I’m fine with just watching _Sweet Home Alabama_.” Alex says, pointing to the old Reese Witherspoon movie playing on the TV. “I don’t know why you two always want to try and beat us at stuff.”

Christen tries to contain her laugh but she can’t because Alex’s reverse psychology tactics are so obvious that she doubts Rose or Mal even care at this point. They do this every single camp and every time they make it out to LA to visit them. Last time it was Scrabble and the time before it was Codenames, now it seemed it would be Taboo.

“Besties vs. besties right now.” Mal announces and pulls up the game app she has on her phone before handing it to Christen. “Elders first.”

Christen grabs the phone and moves in front of her bed, Alex relaxing back against the pillows but Christen still recognizes the competitive look shining in her eyes despite her otherwise calm features. Mal hovers near Christen’s shoulder to see the words she can’t say and then Rose is shouting, “Go!”.

Christen scans the card then asks, “Okay, where do we always go?”

“Coffee,” Christen shakes her head and Alex quickly corrects, “Food.”

“Right, what type?”

“Mexican,” Alex answers and Christen taps the small arrow to go to the next card.

“Your Mom gets this at Wendy’s.”

“Frosty.”

“Yep,” Christen shifts to the next card. “Yoplait?”

“Yogurt.”

“Not Jameson but?”

“Maker’s Mark?”

“No, too expensive.”

“Oh, Jack Daniels.” Alex says and Christen nods, Mal groaning next to her as she moves to the next card.

“I always beat you in practice during?”

Christen gives Alex a cheeky smile and watches her eyes narrow before she answers, “Sprints.”

She’s going to store that away for later, since she has two witnesses that heard Alex’s admittance. Christen probably won’t have to though, she knows Alex will remind her of it.

“We always watch this when Makayla’s at my house.”

“ _The Office_.”

“Right but no the –“

“Office.”

“Time!” Rose shouts and then flops back onto the bed.

“How many was that?” Christen asks, starting to go back through them.

“Seven,” Alex says nonchalantly before standing.

Christen hands Mal her phone and she switches places with Alex on the bed. Rose throws her phone to Christen so she can do the one minute timer for them and Alex moves behind Mal.

“Okay Rose, this is serious!” Mal announces and Rose bounces up on the bed.

“I’m ready!”

Christen nods laying back to watch it all unfold, “Go.”

“What you do to bread?” Mal starts, pointing at Rose. 

“I eat it.” Rose supplies and Mal shakes her head.

“No when you make it hot.”

“Oh, toast it.”

Mal makes a whoop of excitement, “What was I at UCLA?”

“A student!”

"Yes," Mal says and Christen laughs at the excitement on their faces. “This is where you look up dog pictures.”

“Instagram.”

“No.”

“Pintrest?” Rose asks looking confused.

“No, it has Chrome.”

“What? Oh wait Google," Rose answers. "Why didn't you just say that before?"

"Whatever!" Mal says, then starts shifting her weight from foot to foot and her voice goes up one octave, “She’s a super – “

“Freak!” Rose shouts and then Alex makes a buzzer noise with her mouth.

“What?” Mal asks turning to look over her shoulder, “You can totally sing.”

“You said super, it’s literally at the top of the list.” Alex points and Christen laughs before calling time. 

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Rose says and Mal nods handing the phone to Alex.

“We always give you guys a comfortable lead in the beginning.”

“Right, don’t want to hurt your feelings and all.” Rose picks up and then stands to switch with Mal and Christen hands the younger girl Rose's phone once she sits down.

“Ready?” Alex asks, looking at Christen with a smirk and Christen can’t help but smile back before nodding.

“Go!” Mal shouts.

They completely demolish Mal and Rose, like with every other game. They don’t bother keeping score after the third round and instead just laugh their way through the cards until they start repeating.

By the time they finish playing the movie has changed and it’s an hour before dinner.

“I thought you and Kelley were bad,” Mal says, sighing before throwing her phone onto the bed next to Rose. “But it’s worse because Christen doesn’t even care and you guys still beat us every time.”

“You’ll get us next time champ,” Alex appeases with a laugh and then they delve into conversation about the next time they’ll all be in LA, which will be their third game of the regular season.

It turns into plan making after that and Mal and Rose attempting to pull them into doing some sort of Tik Tok trend before they make their way back down for dinner.

Alex knocks Christen’s shoulder as they walk towards the elevator, “You don’t always beat me in sprints you know?”

Christen raises an eyebrow and meets Alex’s stare, “Oh, but you admitted it.”

“Heat of the game,” Alex says, hand making a motion as if to swat the thought away. She then takes Christen’s hand, giving it a quick squeeze before letting go and Christen's hand burns.

“I’ll race you to the elevator right now.” Alex is already starting to jog and Christen just shakes her head.

“I’m wearing slides and you’re in sneakers!”

Alex just laughs and picks up in a run, moving past Rose and Mal who immediately start running after her without a second thought.

Christen chuckles, hand still tingling, before pushing into a fast walk to catch up to them, “You guys better hold the elevator for me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Just a shorter chapter to tide everyone over during this time.
> 
> I hope everyone is still doing well, 89 days until voting day!


	13. February 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Open your heart up,  
> 
> 
> hoping I'll never find out that you're anyone else."  
> 
> 
> \- SZA, _Garden (Say It Like That)_

_The middle of February_

The first two weeks of February are all football, football, football.

All day Christen and her teammates are at Banc of California stadium practicing and learning the style that Pirlo, their head coach, wants them to play. It’s all precision passing, quick runs off the ball, and immediate ball pressure if an attack is misread. Pirlo wants them to understand very early that nothing is easy. So he makes it so that if the opposing team doesn’t get the ball back after being dispossessed within four passes he tallies a long field run. One the assistant coaches keeps track and after their small scrimmages Pirlo runs them into the ground. 

But if there is one thing Christen’s learned in the last two weeks it’s that despite the intense practices, Pirlo is one of the most laid back coaches she’s ever had. Most of the time when he speaks to them he sounds half asleep, his Italian accent still somewhat heavy, and his words flowing as if he’s bored. The only time she’s ever heard him raise his voice was during a scrimmage last week with the men’s side when Diego Rossi went in for a somewhat hard challenge on Estelle when she picked him off the ball.

It was obviously not malicious on Diego’s part, the game had been fun and provided an opportunity to practice their full formation against an actual opponent, but Pirlo still came onto the field, rushed and pissed off words in both English and Italian. Estelle was fine and Diego was so apologetic that Christen thought Pirlo felt a little bad. But in the end it showed the team that he was going to go to bat for them, no matter the circumstance. And with the tactical way he sees the game, his quick words of encouragement during drills, his easy corrections in their small scrimmages Christen leaves practice feeling both energized and exhausted.

He also pushes for the older players to lead, so often times Christen finds herself yelling more than usual on the field, calling for the ball, screaming out positioning for her teammates and talking with Alex, Cat, Lo, Jill and the rest of the midfield about runs down the field and ball placement. Hanna and Estelle’s voices give the back line some organization and Christen finally gets Shannon to say more than a couple of words to her when they start practicing overlapping runs down the left side of the field against their teammates. Plus, hearing Ali again as her teammate and not opponent reminds days spent in Palo Alto, but now older and whole lot wiser, Christen's happy just to be back with Ali again.

As for their attacking formation, Christen and Alex move effortlessly around each other, the easy connection they have and the understanding they’ve developed over the last ten-ish months make it so they really don’t need to talk all that much if they’re on the same team for a scrimmage. But what’s even more enthusing is when he pairs the two of them with the two younger forwards, Tziarra King and Nichelle Prince, and has them going 2v2 down half the field.

It’s become somewhat of a competition now whenever her and Alex aren’t paired together and usually ends with the loser paying for dinner after practice. Christen tries not to brag even though she’s currently winning in the overall race but she doesn’t hesitate to bring up the fact that Alex always tries to pull her down by her jersey when she makes a move past her because it usually gets her another order of chips and guac, an eye roll, or a “that’s just the heat the game Chris” said to her when Alex pulls her to her feet.

All of it adds to the energy within the team, which is so high that it’s become evident that they are going to be good. The talent is there and Pirlo’s coaching style reminds her of Vlatko’s, where the team sets expectations, he facilitates them, and then they execute it. 

Sounds simple in the grand scheme of things. But Christen knows they still have a lot of work, it's only been two weeks. 

Today they don't have practice until six this evening, all of them instead gathered in a studio in North Hollywood for their first promotional shoot and team headshots. The front office had unveiled their jerseys to them two days before and finally Christen could breathe easy again because the black and gold jerseys were really cool.

Christen waits her turn, the gold twenty-three on her jersey shining just right before she gets some quick lighting touch ups by the make-up artist.

“Come on Christen you’re up.” Cami, a rookie defender from UNC, peaks around the side of the make-up station.

“Okay,” Christen says, getting the last brush of dusting on her nose before she stands and makes her way to the shooting area. With the photographer working up in numerical order, most of her teammates are all hanging around the large lighted area since there are only a couple of her teammates after Christen. 

The hollers start once the photographer gives her the first pose. And she tries, she really does try not to smile until prompted. But her teammates are already acting crazy behind the cameraman, and despite the shining lights she catches glimpses of them here and there. 

“Do the smile Press, do the smile!” She can’t see Alex, but her voice carries behind the bright lights. 

Christen has no idea what smile her friend is talking about, but she’s just glad Alex no longer sounds like she did last week.

Alex’s divorce got finalized on the third of February. She had called Christen at nine in the morning just as she was getting ready to leave for practice, asking her if she would come pick her up. When Christen arrived she could see that something was off, Alex’s head was low and her headphones were already on when she got in the car.

Christen didn’t start immediately driving though, sitting in front of Alex’s garage for some time until Alex took her headphones off and breathed out a quiet “Hey”.

“What happened?” Christen asked and Alex just rubbed at her eyes with the palms of her hands.

“I got the papers this morning.” Alex shrugged, “Looks like I’m officially divorced.”

Christen didn’t say anything, instead reaching across the center console to give Alex a tight hug. Alex fell into Christen’s shoulder and they sat like that for a long time, long enough for them to be a couple minutes late for practice. But the extra laps they had to do were worth it because Alex was a force all practice, and during cool down and stretching she didn’t look as lost as she did before.

After that day they've carpooled to practice together. The forty-five minute drive to BANC passing much more quickly with Alex usually behind the wheel.

It’s only been a little over a week though since Alex told her the news, but every day she get’s a little less stiff, a little less clouded, and Christen knows that it’ll take as long as it takes for Alex to not hurt anymore.

Christen hears something about a joke and then Abby is shouting, “Christen remember when you almost face planted last week!” 

She tries to hold it in but the laughter bubbles up at the memory and she can’t keep it in check. 

“There it is.” She hears Alex say and the camera shutters all the same. 

She’s handed a soccer ball next and she does some action shots, then she’s ordered to do some “fired up” pictures where she screams and yells and they take a short clip. She hates those the most but she gets through it. 

When her individual shots are done the cameraman, Reece is his name, has Alex come in for shots and a couple of clips of the two of them. The rest of their teammates are in hysterics at this point and Christen is sure there are probably only two shots of them looking serious in the whole lot.

Once she’s finally finished, she moves to her bag to pull out her phone. There are a couple of unread texts and a notification from Instagram. She opens the app to see her and Alex are tagged in a boomerang of them laughing on the LAFC Instagram. 

Christen decides to repost it to her story and soon her phone is blowing up with notifications. She really needs to turn them off again; it’s been like this ever since the LAFC women’s team account went live. 

She can't even be mad though because it's honestly a good thing that the city is obviously excited. They had done a promotion for the men's side season ticket holders to purchase season tickets to their home games with an extra bundle fee. To their astonishment they had 80% of season ticket holders opt into purchasing the bundle and just yesterday they put up early bird prices for their first home game of the season, and as of this morning the early bird tickets were close to being sold out.

The official part of the LAFC website dedicated to the women’s side isn’t even complete yet since they’re doing the promo shoots today, but the city is alive with football lovers and with big names attached to the team, and the already established fan base of the men’s side, it seems like they might be gearing up to rival Portland’s attendance even with around 3,000 less seats in the stadium.

Christen knows it has something to do with Rini, who’s standing over by the photographer, iPhone at the ready. The recent USC marketing grad is over their social media pages. She’s been at almost ever practice and in just a little over a month their Instagram page has the second highest number of followers of any NWSL team and is steadily growing by the day. Their team is gaining steam and Rini had posted a photo of her and Alex talking at practice last week and E!News and Bleacher Report both reposted it, so suffice to say the new LA women’s sports team is making headway.

Christen gets called back over for the team shots and then Pirlo jumps in for a couple of group shots in his coaching gear. After they all change into the white and gold away kits to do it all over again.

It’s a fun but tiring morning and once they wrap the shoot they all head to the house Hanna, Emily, and Kayla, another goalkeeper, are sharing in Los Feliz for lunch before practice.

As for Christen, she needs a nap.

*/||\\*

Tobin calls the next day when Christen's just finishing her Saturday ritual of watering every single plant in her house. Tobin sounds genuinely excited when Christen fills her in on the progress of the team so far and Christen listens with interest when Tobin gives her the updates on how the Thorns are doing. 

Christen's in the middle of telling her about how she tripped and almost slid down the tunnel when she was running out for one of their practices last week and if it wasn’t for Abby’s quick reflexes she would have been spread-eagle on the ground, when Tobin’s laugh breaks clearly in Christen’s ear. She doesn’t even realize how much she missed the sound until it’s there, filling her up with a frank realization that some things might not ever change.

Then they delve into re-inc business soon after, talking about the upcoming re-set the table events and the drop coming in two weeks. It’s the first conversation they’ve had since they talked at camp and Christen feels no underlying tension or words left unsaid like she felt before, it’s easy and it feels like absolution.

They add Megan and Kling on the call after awhile and it isn’t until three hours later that she gets off the phone. She has to run through her routine to get ready then, showering quickly and doing her make-up and half-straightening her hair so she can pull half of it up in record time.

Her phone rings just as she is stepping into her shoes and she grabs her jacket, and the red bag full of Valentine’s Day chocolates before running outside and getting into the waiting Uber. The ride to downtown is long but when she pulls up to the hotel, she sees some of her teammates walking up as well.

“Pressy!” Jill greets her with a hug then looks down at Christen’s outfit. “You look hot.”

“Thank you. You all look great.” Christen answers with a smile and hugs Shannon and Nichelle as well. When they get up to the rooftop where the restaurant is she can see that the team is seated in one corner, the long table almost filled.

They all get greeted with sharp whistles and hellos and Christen eases down into the chair between Ali and Alex.

"I was actually saving that for someone." Alex leans over once Christen shrugs off her jacket. 

Ali scoffs on the other side of Christen, "She was saving it for you," She puts her hands out in a come here motion, "Now gimme the goods CP." 

Christen just chuckles, giving Alex a look that the other woman just smiles at, and hands Ali the red gift bag. 

Since it’s the day before Valentine’s Day they’re all doing a Galentine’s Day dinner. They are meant to bring some chocolates and small gifts to be distributed amongst them and Christen knows Ali is probably going to take her See's Candy lollipop assortment before anyone else can claim it.

The waiter comes around and takes all their drink orders and soon they're handing out gifts to each other, chocolates, small bouquets of flowers, teddy bears, and Valentine’s day cards. It’s a hilarious affair and the girls on the team already feel like family even after only a couple of weeks.

Christen's just finished her dinner and she's off to the side with Alex, hands hanging over the metal railing of the roof looking out into the downtown LA skyline. They've been talking about inconsequential things, but Christen knows that Alex pulled her up and over to the edge of the roof for a reason. 

“Is it wrong to feel relieved?” Alex asks suddenly and Christen turns her head towards her friend.

Alex is still staring out into the abyss.

“Whatever you’re feeling is completely valid.” Christen answers. 

“But is it right?”

Christen thinks for a moment, memories whirling and emotions building, “There’s no right way to feel Al.”

“I just – I’m relieved but it also fucking sucks.”

“It does.” Christen agrees and she knows her words are enough. She knows Alex doesn’t want her to tell her she’s sorry, she knows she doesn’t want her to say it’ll all be okay. She just needs to be heard, to know that she’s right there with her.

Alex finally turns to look at Christen, “You’re not busy tomorrow, right?”

Christen chuckles and shakes her head; who would she even have Valentine’s Day plans with other than her friends?

“No, I’m free.”

Alex smiles but there's still a lingering sadness in her eyes, “Let’s do something.”

“Okay, what do you want to do?”

Alex turns back towards the city, “Nothing crazy, dinner?”

Christen nods and turns back to the city too, “Okay Al, we can do dinner.”

They stay like that for a little longer, until Jill and Ali come up, pulling them back over to their teammates.

The night passes into morning, which blends into the afternoon and now Christen’s on her way to Alex’s. She just picked up sushi down the street and is trying not to hit too many potholes and dislodge the stacked boxes in her front seat.

She calls Alex when she’s pulling onto her street and Christen maneuvers easily into the spot next to Alex’s car when the garage opens.

Alex’s smile is genuine when Christen gets out of her car but it gets so much brighter when Christen pulls the togo bag of sushi from the front seat. 

“I thought you were going to get Katsuya?”

“Yeah I was going to, but then I realized you like Sushi Enya more so,” Christen shrugs because it really wasn’t a big deal, even though she preferred Katsuya, she didn’t mind. 

Alex takes the bag from her hand and then pulls her into a hug with her other arm. She looks way more relaxed than the previous night.

“Happy Valentine’s Day Chris.” 

Christen murmurs it back quietly and then she follows Alex inside, the long blue maxi dress Alex is wearing flowing easily behind her. 

When they get into the living room the table's already set and Alex pulls a small circular black box from one of the chairs once she sets the food down.

“Since you were getting dinner I decided to get you something.” Alex hands Christen the box and she only casts a quick look at Alex’s face before opening it. Christen already knows what’s inside – the Venus et Fleur emblem giving it away.

The brightness of the roses inside, stems cut short so they could fit nicely into the small box, takes her breath away.

“I know you don’t like flowers, because you can’t keep them alive long enough, but these are forever roses. They last like a year or two.” Alex explains and Christen’s heart fills with something between gratitude and surprise because she knows Alex just didn’t pick these up this morning. These are three hundred dollar roses and Alex looks so nonchalant about the act of it that Christen has to collect herself.

“Thank you, they’re beautiful.”

Alex smiles and then gives Christen a wink, “Anything for my Valentine.”

Christen just shakes her head at Alex fondly, placing the box off to the side of the table as they start pulling out the containers of food. It’s a full spread by the time everything is set out and then Alex disappears into the kitchen, coming back with two bottles of Christen’s favorite red wine. 

She watches Alex pop the cork on one and pour two glasses before handing one to Christen then sitting down. Alex keeps her drink raised though and Christen moves to raise hers to.

“To an unforgettable year.” Alex toasts and Christen lets the slightly chilled liquid fill her with a warmth she didn’t know she was missing.

They dig in after that, togo containers and glasses slowly emptying as they talk easily.

But soon Christen can’t shake the feeling that begins to form in the pit of her stomach. It’s small, but it’s there and Christen tries to tamp down on the idea that this is anything more than it is. Maybe it’s just because it’s Valentine’s Day or maybe it’s the fact that the forever roses are so present in her line of sight while she’s taking another sip of her favorite red, or the fact that Alex looked so happy when see saw Christen went to Sushi Enya and got all her favorite rolls, or the ebb and flow of their conversation that's bordering on something Christen can't quite name. 

It's only marginally unsettling and Christen tries not to let it all cloud her thoughts because the wine is already proving to do that already and this is her best friend sitting across from her. 

“You okay Chris?” Alex looks concerned, “I lost you there for a second.”

Christen reaches out, grabbing a piece of the rainbow roll that they haven’t touched yet. “I’m good, sorry. What were you saying?” 

“Pam wants to know when you two are going to brunch again, she said I’m not invited.” Alex says and Christen chuckles because Alex’s Mom one hundred percent said that.

“Sorry to say you’ve been replaced, Jen even asked if I wanted to come by for a BBQ next weekend.”

“How am I the one that has to crash my own family’s BBQ?” Alex shakes her head and grabs a dumpling with her chopsticks. “They like you better than me, I’m not surprised, but damn a little warning would have been nice Christen.”

"It happens." Christen says playfully and takes another roll. 

“I don't think I told you but I love your dress by the way.” Alex comments, eyes moving quickly over the material covering Christen’s body and then meets her eyes. 

It’s a moment that stretches too long and Christen feels something shift and tries to not let it displace or confuse her even more, “Thank you, I got it at Nordstrom.”

Alex hums, takes a sip of wine, and goes back to eating. 

There’s a comfortable silence that descends around their third glass, most of the food eaten, and Christen is happy to watch how the red liquid swirls around the slopes of her cup.

“I’m glad we’re friends.” Alex suddenly says and Christen looks across at her with a smile.

“Me too.”

Alex leans forward, hand under her chin and eyes serious, “No, I mean really friends.”

And Christen gets it, she knows. She knows that the ease at which their friendship developed, how quickly they became close, it was something they both needed.

“I know what you mean Al.”

Alex adjusts so her head is resting in her palm and her full focus is on Christen. “Can I be honest with you for a second.”

“Have you ever not been?”

“We’ll table that for later,” Alex jokes and Christen puts her glass down to give the younger woman her full attention.

“Honestly, I am really glad that we’re friends. You’ve helped me a lot with everything going on with the divorce and figuring my shit out. But it’s crazy because when Kelley or Pinoe would talk about you and their friendships with you - I didn’t get it, you know?” Alex looks contemplative, “we weren’t that close then and then that changed after qualifiers and now we’re here and everything seems to be changing and I get it now. I’m just really thankful for you Christen. I’ve never said it before, but your friendship, it means a lot to me.”

Christen smiles because it means a lot to her too. More than the other forward probably knows. “You don’t have to thank me for being friends with you Al. I’m glad we are.”

“I’m not thanking you for being my friend,” Alex laughs, one of her quiet ones that Christen loves. “I’m thanking you for being you.”

She feels heat start to build on her cheeks and she breaks eye contact quickly to try and cover the way her heart picks up speed. Goodness, the feeling burns right through her. She needs to get a hold on the situation. 

Christen takes a moment then gives Alex a raised eyebrow, “You’re really taking this whole Valentine’s Day thing to the next level.”

Alex laughs again and Christen can’t help but join in. But the feeling of the moment seeps down into her gut and starts to collect.

“I’ve been out of practice for a while.” Alex says as she sits up and grabs the wine bottle to poor herself some more. “How am I doing?”

The look she levels at Christen makes her pause. She feels the shift again, slowly like something is clicking. It's like someone's fit a puzzle piece into position but when Christen looks down the picture isn't quite complete yet. 

“Doing great.” Christen says and realizes she means it.

Alex takes a sip of wine and they descend into silence again but they don’t break eye contact. Christen wonders if she’s the only one whose skin feels like fire.

She clears her throat, “Should we get dessert?”

“Jeni’s?” Alex asks and her eyes pull across Christen’s face like they’re searching for something.

“Yeah,” Christen stands then, reaching to take Alex’s plate in front of her.

Alex’s hand reaches up just as Christen’s pulling back, halting her progress, “Hey I –,” but then she stops mid-sentence. Christen sees the minuscule shake of her head before she pulls her hand back and something shifts again.

Christen stands to full height, “What it is?”

“Nothing. Sorry,” Alex says, and she looks as confused as Christen feels.

_Freaking Valentine’s Day_ is all Christen thinks as she moves into the kitchen to deposit the dishes in the sink.

They walk down the street to Jeni’s once the empty boxes of sushi and wine glasses are cleaned up, the open air easing the tension that somehow found itself between them at the dinner table.

Soon they’re laughing about the gifts from last night, arms hooked around each other to combat the sea breeze that flows through the dimly lit streets.

The artisan ice cream shop is packed, like always, when they arrive and a couple of kids with their parents come up and ask for autographs and pictures. But other than the small families, the place is filled with couples consumed in each other.

People held tightly together, sharing cups of ice cream or speaking softly to each other in line, lost in their own worlds. Christen's always found Valentine’s Day to be such an interesting holiday, giving the impression that love is so common and there it is to see right in front of your eyes. But just like with her, just like with Alex, love travels like the wind.

Nevertheless, Christen enjoys the feeling, the atmosphere inside the small shop, the joy around her and she knows Alex does too.

Her friend is currently close to trying every flavor, the worker behind the counter unfazed as he explains every single aspect of the process for making one of Alex's picks. Alex is absentmindedly handing Christen the extra tasting spoon even though she already knows what she’s getting.

Once Alex finally decides she orders for the both of them, correctly picking the flavor Christen wants and then getting one of the first ones she tried for herself. Alex pays, leaving behind a large tip and then they’re back out on the street.

It’s easy and familiar again, the sweet smell inside of Jeni’s blocking out the thoughts that were screaming inside her head before. It's reckless really, everything she's thinking for so many reasons other than the obvious. But as they make their way further and further from the ice cream shop the thoughts start to creep up again but Christen’s able to shut the door on them and call it a fault due to the energy of the whole holiday.

Compartmentalizing it seems _can_ be useful sometimes.

They’re just walking up to Alex’s house, cones already finished and Christen’s moving to unlatch the gate, but Alex grabs her hand and tilts her head off to the right.

“Let’s go to the beach for a sec.” Alex’s eyes glow bright blue under the streetlight and all Christen can do is nod.

They pick a spot just close enough to really smell the salt of the ocean. The moon is reflecting brightly across the water and only a few other small huddles of people are on this stretch of the sand at this time of night.

Christen doesn’t realize they’re still holding hands until she moves to sit down, right hand untangling from Alex's as she reaches out to steady herself as she drops to the cold sand below. It’s all a bit overwhelming now, the swirl in her stomach, the fire in her veins, the burn in her hand. She’s shutting so many doors in her head that they echo like the waves crashing into the sand in front of her.

Alex is lying on her back, hands behind her head and head tilting up at the sky. Christen decides to join her, stretching out to ease some of the tightness coiling up her spine.

“Do you ever wish your life was different?” Alex asks quietly after a few silent minutes.

“In what way?”

“All of it. Do you ever think about if you didn’t play soccer? If you didn’t go to Stanford or if you didn’t decide to move back here? If you could have loved Tobin any differently? Do you ever wish for those choices again?”

Alex’s questions wash over Christen slowly. She thinks about them only for a moment, because there's no use formulating a carefully crafted response since she’s never been as truthful with anyone the way she is with Alex.

“Sometimes.”

It used to be a running reel in her head for a few weeks, right around the time her mother passed. She thought about how soccer had kept her from saying goodbye, that the job she chose kept her from being with her mom when her health starting declining. It hadn’t been healthy, those thoughts, those what ifs, but they had been there. She speaks her truth softly and Alex quietly listens.

“Do you?” Chris parries back once she's said enough, eyes still glued to the smatter of stars in the sky.

“I’ve been thinking about college a lot.” Alex starts and her voice sounds found. “Did I ever tell you that Stanford offered me a spot?”

“What? No!” Christen’s turns her head and Alex just laughs lightly.

“Yeah, but Cal had been my dream since I was a kid. And Stanford was a little too stuffy.”

Christen just scoffs and Alex laughs again before quieting.

“I think about that sometimes, how different my life would have been if I made only one different decision.” Alex turns her head and looks at Christen. “I would have been at Stanford, with Kelley, with Ali,” Alex pauses and her eyes look shaky, “with you.”

Christen doesn’t know what to make of her look, but there are faint lines of worry etched into her words. 

“We probably would have started off on a better foot.” Christen tries to joke and it works because Alex groans and the look in her eyes changes.

“Should I apologize again for being such a bitch?”

“No, you’re fine Al.”

Alex makes a small sound of acknowledgement before exhaling, “I don’t know, maybe I’m getting nostalgic because I feel kind of out of it. Like my mind is wishing for a different reality because I kind of screwed this one up.”

Christen quickly rejects the idea, “You didn’t screw it up.”

“Well, not all of it. I’m being dramatic I know, it’s just seeing that envelope, and then pulling out those court documents - it all felt so robotic. Like I just got a folder from my desk and slid the papers inside, but I felt so – so – “

“Empty?”

“Yeah. And then I felt so much relief, and that made me feel even shittier.” Alex says then sits up. “I think I'm thinking about it because I know this is hurting him so much more than it’s hurting me. And maybe we’d both be better off.”

Christen sits up too at that, pitching her voice higher to carry over the sound of the waves, “Alex, it’s okay to think about those things. We hurt people, we miss things, and we make decisions that have these consequences but in the end this is your reality. All of it, Cal, Servando, LA, every little thing.”

Alex faintly nods and rubs at her eyes. Christen reaches out and takes her hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“All of your decisions, just like all of mine, they brought us here.”

Alex turns, eyes sparkling but tears refusing to fall.

“Yeah, they brought us here.”

The waves crash even louder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think! 
> 
> I hope everyone had a great weekend!!


	14. April 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You could be the star of my universe,  
> 
> 
> if I just took time to plan it."  
> 
> 
> \- dvsn, _Between Us_

_The middle of April_

The sounds within the stadium ground Christen as she stands over the ball in the center circle. The black of her jersey matches the color consistent throughout the stands as black and gold LAFC flags ripple in the wind. The contrast is stark against the white jerseys of the Reign and it fills her with a sudden sense of determination.

This is it…that moment before something changes and you’re able to stare into space for a while and take it all in.

Christen does just that, looking behind her to see Megan give her a wink and the wry smile on Allie’s face. She turns her head back to face her team and they all look exactly how she feels, steady and eager, the drums of the LAFC cheering section, nicknamed “The Black Sea”, behind the goal pumping a beat through them that seems like a common lifeline. Christen glances to her left and Alex is looking back, blue eyes understanding as she gives Christen a simple nod.

Together they’ve been sharing the obvious expectations placed upon the team because of the sole fact that the two of them are on it. And with how well they’ve been playing together the last year with the national team coupled with the fact that neither of them have won an NWSL shield, despite in Christen’s case being very close, all eyes are on the two of them to perform.

They’ve talked about it constantly – leaning on each other during what’s already set to be a whirlwind of a first year. Christen’s honestly just glad she’s learned how to carry that weight of expectations now and no longer lets the feeling completely crush her.

The ref finally blows the whistle to start their first game of the season and Christen passes the ball back to Cat and takes off.

They keep possession for most of the first fifteen minutes of the game and Christen knows they’re the better side somewhat early on. They’ve had a handful of shots on goal already; however, none that have met the back of the net yet.

That fact doesn’t last long though.

The first goal comes in the 21st minute after Shannon dispossesses Momiki and flies down the left flank. She pitches the ball to Lo, who fakes a turn to the middle then hits Shannon back with the give and go.

Christen settles back, timing the switching run with Alex just as Shannon crosses it into the box. Alex leaps up to put her head on it but the ball sails over her coming right into Christen’s path as she steps in front of the Reign defender to volley the ball past Casey Murphy.

The place explodes when the ball hits the net and Christen feels a smile overtake her face, turning to look up at the sky just before she gets consumed by her screaming teammates. She points at Shannon as the defender finally reaches them in the middle, pulling the younger girl into a hug. Christen then points a finger at The Black Sea behind the goal, and the drums being pounded on seem to grow in volume as the large LAFC flag is opened across the back of the stands.

It’s a surreal moment for Christen as the announcer starts a chant of her name when they line back up at center field, but she takes only a second to soak it all in because there is still work to be done.

When the whistle blows after 94 minutes, Christen can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief.

The stadium erupts, smoke bombs going off as the Black Sea begins to wave the LAFC flags again in earnest and the drummers pound to the sound of gold fireworks shooting off into the sky.

The scoreboard is 3-0 and for a first win it feels pretty freaking good. They had dominated the Reign, there were no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

When Christen finally looks away from the fan section, dropping her waving hand, Alex is walking over to her, smile bright on her face and eyes alight with happiness.

They don’t say anything, just coming together for a hug of silent understanding, the weight of the team shared on both their shoulders just like Christen knew it would be. The team hadn’t faltered once, even with all the eyes and cameras on them, they had performed.

Alex’s arms tighten around her by just a fraction and Christen feels safe, guarded, and so full that she has to swallow the feeling down – because there it is again. A weight so ostensibly small but still present in her stomach, like something is shifting inside of her, pieces moving ever so slowly so she’s almost entirely unaware.

She’s about to pull back because sometimes it feels like it’s too much, but then another set of arms encircle them, the sound of their other teammates beginning to break through the constant noise in the stadium.

“Captain Pressy hugs for everyone,” Jill says and Christen just laughs, letting the group hug bring her back in the moment.

The captain’s armband seems to squeeze Christen’s bicep as she pulls back, giving Alex a small smile before turning to give proper congratulatory hugs to the rest of the team. Everyone is in high spirits and Christen doesn’t hesitate to move towards the stands, most of her team following her to sign and take pictures.

Her and Alex move side by side, quickly signing jerseys and posters, posing for photos as they move down the fan section. Then Alex is calling her over to a little black girl who’s wearing Christen’s US national team jersey, holding a sign and eyes so excited when she sees her walking up.

After reading the words on the small sign Christen doesn’t falter, quickly moving to start to pull off her jersey, some of her teammates close to her encircling her before she gets her jersey all the way off.

Alex pulls off her black warm up jacket and hands it to Christen. Christen mouths a thank you before pulling it on and zipping it up to cover up her sports bra.

She then turns to the little girl, “What’s your name?”

“Naya.” She answers softly as Christen signs the back of her jersey with a sharpie she picked off of someone earlier.

“Well Naya, my first home jersey is really special and I want you to know that you are too.” Christen says, Naya’s mother taking ahold of the small sign in order for Naya to take Christen’s offered jersey.

“I hope you don’t mind a little sweat.”

Naya shakes her head furiously and her mother just chuckles at the energy bursting from the small girl. Christen asks if she wants a picture, which she does, and then gives Naya a wave before continuing down across the stands. Christen hopes Naya can see herself in her, the possibilities and opportunities that are achievable for girls who look like them.

It fills her with a sense of newfound opportunity as it always does, but in her hometown the feeling increases tenfold.

Christen does her best to sign most of the posters addressed to her and jerseys with twenty-three on them and then Alex is pulling her over to the family section where her Dad, sisters, and Franny are, as well as Alex’s parents and sisters, all fitted with black and gold jerseys. They talk for a while, catching up before both Alex and Christen get pulled away to do different post-game interviews.

Her eyes wander towards Alex next to her as she tries her best to answer the questions from the ESPN analyst. Alex is in the midst of her own interview but her head turns slightly and they lock eyes for a brief moment. Christen hopes she can still multi-task since her mind begins to focus on things so unrelated to football.

It’s been like this for a while now between her and Alex, Valentine’s Day changing something between them. It’s as if a flip was switched, but before Christen could actually take a look around at what was being revealed she had reflexively turned the light back off, because this wass Alex she’s talking about. The same recently divorced, her best friend and Alex freaking Morgan Alex.

Christen won’t lie, she lived in a bit of denial for a while. And with March passing by quickly, preseason games and the She Believes Cup taking up most of her headspace, there wasn’t much time to analyze exactly what she was feeling.

So, when the realization did eventually come, she was not at all expecting it.

It happened two weeks ago, a large group of them all outside in Alex’s bricked backyard, fire blazing as their friends and teammates played some weird form of Mystery.

Christen thought it would be a good idea to get everyone together, all her hometown friends, Lee and the LAFC guys, and her teammates, so that the girls who just moved to LA could start to branch out and make new friends in their home. It had been working out pretty well the last month and the second game night was already off to an amusing start.

Alex had graciously volunteered to host this one, the first game night at Christen’s had turned into a full on party that her house just wasn’t equipped to handle. So thankfully, Alex’s place was big enough to hold everyone comfortably.

At the thought of her friend, Christen’s eyes had found Alex almost unwittingly. She watched Alex smile then laugh as Abby tried to explain to her team the clues to solve the riddle at hand.

Christen’s eyes were drawn away though as the volume outside rose as Nima and Jill both started to yell possible answers. Nima guessed correctly and the group cheered as they moved on to the next clue and Christen turned her head back to what caught her eye in the first place.

As if sensing her look, Alex turned towards her. She gave Christen a wide smile and then a questioning look when Christen’s expression didn’t change, unaware of the silent storm brewing in her head.

For Christen, it was a lot and not much at the same time. It was just an “ah-ha” moment, and she was so viscerally aware of what it meant that she chastised herself for second because no – that couldn't happen.

But she knew it was anyway.

She had a crush on Alex Morgan.

It sounded so childish in her head – crush – but that’s all she’s willing to let it be. She’s thirty-two years old for goodness sake and she felt suddenly sixteen.

It’s been years since she had a _crush_ and after that night she’s been trying to keep her mind busy so she doesn’t have to think about it.

It’s difficult for sure because Alex is one of her best friends. She’s seamlessly integrated into Christen’s group that it’d be weird if she weren’t around now. But it’s just a _crush_.

In the grand scheme of it all it makes sense – or at least that what Christen tells herself when her mind does wander. Alex is someone she has shared a lot with over the last year. Despite the fact that Christen knows she’s grown so much into her own now, she’s still the same girl who values her close relationships above all. And Alex is beautiful, that’s not something she’d ever argue, she’s funny, unwaveringly loyal, and she cares _a lot_.

Luckily, a crush is a far cry from doing something about it, so Christen is fine.

_She’s fine_.

But goodness, it will hit her at odd moments. When she’s not expecting it and she tries to push it away – like right now, jacket warm with Morgan splayed across the back in gold writing doing a freaking televised interview.

“Thank you Christen and great game.” The woman’s words break Christen out of her own thoughts and she’ll probably have to watch that one back to see what she said.

“Thanks,” Christen nods and then moves to walk towards the tunnel.

“Christen!”

She turns at the sound of her name being called and she sees Pinoe walking up, the bright shock of pink on her head drawing Christen’s eye.

“Good game P.” Christen says when Megan gets close enough.

“You too babygirl,” Megan states pulling Christen into a brief hug before she pulls back. “But you didn’t have to put the smack down on us like that.”

Christen just chuckles, “I had to give you the proper LA welcome.”

Megan laughs loudly then gives Christen a fond smile, “You look so happy here CP. I love it.”

Christen takes a look around the stadium, the black LAFC flags still waving and the energy of the whole place still electric.

“I love it too.”

Megan slings an arm around Christen’s shoulders and they continue on the path Christen was initially taking towards the tunnel. Allie, Alex, and Sofia Huerta are standing in a small circle talking just inside of the walkway up to the locker rooms.

“Christen, you gorgeous human!” Allie greets and pulls Christen out from under Megan’s arm and into a hug. “Good game.”

“Thanks Allie, you too.”

Allie lets go and Sofia squeezes Christen's shoulder lightly, they already had a quick word to each other after the whistle blew and the teams exchanged pleasantries and shook hands with the refs.

“So are we all going to dinner ladies?” Megan asks the small group.

“Want to just go to Gracias Madre?” Alex asks Christen and she nods.

“Text me the address ladies, I’ll tell Jess too and we’ll meet you there.” Megan says and starts walking towards the visitor’s locker room, Allie and Sofia following. “See y’all at 8.”

Christen gives them a wave before they start to move to their own locker room. The staff for the stadium give them congratulations on the team's first win and then they walk into the locker room, everyone still in high spirits as they change out of their gear.

“Do you want to just come back to mine? And then we can go together?” Alex asks turning to Christen.

“Sure, I’ll tell Ali too.” Christen says, unzipping the jacket and handing it back to Alex. “Thanks for letting me wear it by the way.”

“I’ll have to make sure to pull it on, I bet it’ll happen every game.”

“Or I can remember to grab mine.”

Alex gives Christen a slight smile, eyes dropping for a split second before pulling back up, “Or you could do that.”

Christen nods, face slightly warm because did Alex just check her out? She shakes her head then turns towards her own locker to get ready to head out.

Two hours later Alex pulls the door open to Gracias Madre, hand at the small of Christen’s back, ushering her in first. Christen shakes off the shiver that runs up her spine at the touch and internally sighs because this can’t keep happening.

The hostess leads them to the table the girls are all sitting around outside in the patio. Jess Fishlock, Allie, Sofia, Megan, and Ali, who went back to her own house to change, all give quick greetings before Christen sits down in the vacant chair next to Megan and Alex drops down next to her.

They’ve just put in their orders when Allie points at Christen, “So, tell me about this Victoria’s Secret model.”

“That’s old news.” Megan interrupts making a dismissing motion with her hand at Allie. “The real question is what’s going on with you and Sophia?”

“Huh?” Sofia’s head turns at the sound of her name.

“Other Sophia, Huerta.” Megan answers and Sofia just shrugs and turns back towards Jess and Ali.

Megan leans forward and wiggles her eyebrows at Christen. “You didn’t hear this from me but she’s totally into it.”

Christen just laughs because her head has been so many different places in the last couple of weeks in terms of her love life that she really doesn’t know what to say.

“Listen, _One Tree Hill_ was my favorite show in high school. I’m going to the concert tomorrow, not only to support the cause, but so she can sign my first season box set.” Allie says, giving Christen an approving nod.

“Did you bring it?” Megan asks with a laugh.

Allie gives Megan an incredulous look, “Of course I did.”

Christen joins in on the laughter coming from both Allie and Megan.

“What do you think Lex?” Allie asks once they've settled down.

Christen turns her head towards Alex, who’s been unnaturally quiet since they arrived.

Alex sits up, meeting Christen’s eye for a second before clearing her throat, “I’ve been telling Christen for months to ask her out.”

Allie claps her hands twice, “There you have it, bestie’s approval.”

Christen watches Alex for a couple of seconds, seeing nothing but vague interest, before turning back towards Allie and Megan, “I haven’t really been thinking about it, my mind has been elsewhere.”

“Well tomorrow you’ll have the perfect opportunity.” Megan says and despite the assuming eyes Pinoe is throwing her, Christen can’t help but get excited for the event tomorrow.

Instead of their normal re-set the table luncheon, they decided to switch it up a little and have a fundraiser for some of the women’s shelters in Los Angeles. It would be at a small concert hall in Hollywood and CHIKA and Mahalia are the main acts. It’s only $10 for entry and donations are especially welcome and go directly to the three sponsored shelters.

They would also be live streaming some of the guest speakers they are set have, which are women who run some of the homeless shelters in LA and others who had experienced homelessness as children and/or adults. Christen’s really excited for the event and the vision the company has in terms of accessibility. She’s also just excited that her friends and teammates were so happy to attend too.

They start talking about traveling and Jess starts asking about Alex’s time in France at Lyon when Pinoe leans over to whisper in Christen’s ear.

“It’s not Tobin is it?”

Christen turns with a raised eyebrow, “What do you mean?”

“The whole mind has been elsewhere.” Megan shrugs, “I know you guys have been talking again, outside of business hours.”

Christen shakes her head, “No, surprisingly it’s not that and we’re just friends, you know that.”

Pinoe laughs, seemingly satisfied with Christen’s answer, “Just checking. I’m just happy you both are in good places, individually and with each other.”

“Thanks P.” Christen says genuinely because goodness she is too. Her and Tobin talk at least once a week and it’s good, wonderful really, because it’s like a whole new experience for them. It’s a whole new point in their friendship that signifies them getting to know each other again, something that has been both eye-opening and humbling for Christen.

“Just know though, if you and Sophia do become a thing, Tobin would much rather hear it from you then anybody else.” Megan adds and Christen nods her head in understanding.

There are so many things to factor into developing a friendship with an ex. Especially one so connected to Christen’s professional and personal life. Entering new relationships is a tricky bit Christen hasn’t really gotten a grasp on yet, especially when it comes to communicating that aspect of her life to Tobin. And well, Sophia is a friend of Tobin’s too, not a close friend per se, but a friend nonetheless. Does Christen owe Tobin that? Maybe, maybe not, but it would be the right thing to do because Tobin is someone important in her life.

Christen finds her mind drift to Alex too and she closes that door shut again quickly. There is no way she’s thinking about how to handle _that_ right now. 

She takes a breath, “You’re right P.”

Megan gives Christen a wink, “Of course I am.” She then rubs her hands together, picking up the drink menu on the table. “Now what’s this I hear about Mezcal?”

*/||\\*

The following evening, Christen is walking through the doors of The Sayer’s Club with most of her teammates as well as some of her other friends.

The group of them from the team all decide no drinking before heading to the concert, practice is in the morning at 7:30 so no point fighting a hangover and trying to run wind sprints.

Christen takes a look around as the group begins to branch off and although the space isn’t the biggest, it’s just large enough to do the job they need. Christen walks over to the donation table, which is just off to the right of the door and still gives them a good view of the stage.

“There she is!” Megan announces when Christen walks up and sits down in the empty seat next to her behind the table.

“Sorry I’m a little late,” Christen apologizes and Megan just waves her off.

“No problem, good news though,” Megan opens the large deposit box sitting on the table in front of her. “We’ve already met the goal for one of the shelters and we aren’t even at half capacity yet.”

“Oh my goodness, really?” Christen looks inside the box and there are checks and wads of money stacked inside.

“Really, I’m probably going to empty this one out soon, plus with the $10 ticket price we basically are going to surpass our goal.”

Christen sighs with relief because although they’ve done projects like this in the past, it’s always been connected with their clothing drops and collections. This is the first real fundraiser they’re doing for a cause that Christen cares deeply about and will actually see the tangible results in her community. She’s just glad that when called into action, her people are showing up and obviously showing out.

Once it gets closer to the 7 o’clock start time the donations start to come in at a faster rate. Megan leaves the table once Christen settles in after about half an hour and before she knows it the place is filling up with people. Everyone stops at the table, giving as much as they can and Christen just makes sure she has a proper handle on it all.

Alex comes over when the table isn’t surrounded, waving a piece of paper that looks like the back of a receipt. 

“This is my official I owe you.” Alex hands the paper to Christen and she finds that it is in fact the back of their receipt from lunch earlier; written on it is $1000. 

“Al you’ve already given enough today.” Christen says reminding her of just minutes before when she handed Megan all the cash in her wallet, which had to be close to $400. 

Alex just gives Christen a look she recognizes but doesn’t have a name for. It’s a searching one, her eyes moving over Christen’s face quickly before locking back on her eyes.

In the past few months Christen’s noticed the expressiveness in blue, but things seem more charged in moments like this. When it’s just the two of them and they’re both tasked with making decisions that are entirely too daunting. 

The moment passes just as quickly as it comes and the look in Alex’s eyes is gone when she speaks again. “I’ll write the check once I get home so don’t act like you won’t take it. It’s for a good cause.”

“Fine.” Christen concedes.

Alex smiles in victory, “Come in the crowd once CHIKA comes on?” 

“Sure.” Christen nods and then Alex turns back and moves into the swarm of bodies just as the opening act starts setting up their equipment.

Christen puts the receipt in with the rest of the money, closing the box shut, before she sighs and rubs at her temples. Moments like that make Christen’s head spin because it’s the craziest thing. The mere idea of her and Alex is something so far from anything she expected and here Christen is trying to both navigate and tamper down on this newfound attraction. It’s confusing because she can’t help who she’s attracted to, nor can she help the person that Alex is. 

And she’s aware that her attraction to Alex isn’t something to pursue. They’re best friends, teammates in every sense, so intertwined in each other’s lives now that Christen can’t even envision what it would be like not to have Alex around. 

She doesn’t want to lose that…so she just needs to get over it. 

“Alright, what’s the damage?” 

Christen turns her head and sees Sophia standing there, dark hair tumbling down over a gorgeous blue and white stripped dress and denim jacket.

“Honestly, no clue. But we’ve had to empty the box once already.” 

“Really?” Sophia exclaims and the smile that spreads across her face is so bright Christen can’t help but return it. 

Christen just nods and Sophia sits down next to her, “I’ll help you man the station then. It’s going to get crazy in about five minutes. The line outside is so long that Jess is having people count so you don’t go over capacity.”

In five minutes time, Sophia’s warning proves to be true because suddenly there’s a line of people in front of the table and they have to quickly empty the box two more times before the first act is even finished.

After the first set, the guest speakers get on stage and for the next forty-five minutes Christen tries not to cry because she just knows how much even some of the money will help the people battling homelessness in LA and those who make it their jobs to help them.

“You guys are really doing something amazing.” Sophia says from next to Christen, squeezing the hand that Christen’s resting on the table.

“We need to do more.” Christen determines because there is so much that needs to be done, so many other people who could use the support.

“Hey, hey now,” Sophia starts, “You’re doing so much Christen, you don’t have to save the world though.” She then gives Christen a charming smile and a wink, “At least not yet.”

Christen chuckles and takes a breath because she knows Sophia is right. And she knows that she needs to just focus on the task at hand and not stretch herself too thin.

She squeezes Sophia’s hand back, “Thank you for being here as always.”

Sophia leans over and knocks her shoulder with Christen’s, “I wouldn’t miss it, you know that.”

And Christen does know and she isn’t dumb or blind. She’s aware that there might be something possible with Sophia. She’s attracted to her, and she’s finally been made aware that it’s mutual. She also knows that going out with the woman next to her would be the safest thing for Christen to do. There’s obvious interest and they have so many things in common that it seems like it would be easy. But something is keeping her from asking the woman out herself.

Christen looks over to where Alex is standing, head bobbing lightly to the beat as Miraa May starts her set. The woman must sense her looking because she looks over, giving Christen a soft smile when their eyes connect and Christen returns it. The moment again feels charged, like there’s this underlying tension and Christen wonders if Alex feels it too. Christen looks away because right now, she needs to stop overthinking things with that situation and just try to move into a space that doesn’t include continuing to develop feelings for her best friend.

“So,” Sophia leans over again voice pitched low. “I’ve been trying to figure out the best time to do this, but at this point I’m just going to go for it.” 

Christen looks over, their faces closer than she first thought, but she doesn’t move away. 

“I wanted to know if you’d have dinner with me?” 

Christen pauses, her head is screaming yes, but she feels eyes on the side of her face and she knows who’s looking. She ignores the urge to confirm her thought and instead confirms something else.

“Yes, I’d love to.” 

Sophia smiles but her expression turns slightly serious. 

“Just to clarify, I’m asking you out – like a date.” 

Christen laughs, smile growing by the second, “Yeah, I know. I’m saying yes to that.” 

Sophia gives Christen another smile and looks relieved, “Great, I know we’re both busy with everything coming up but I just wanted to make it known that I want to take you out.” 

They talk quietly at the table for a while and now that it’s out of the open, the flirting is taken up a notch and Christen isn’t upset about it. It’s nice and she finds her mind focused on the actress for the next a few acts. They only get interrupted a few times, most notably by Allie, who comes over with the first season DVD box set of _One Tree Hill_ in hand (just like she said she would). If Christen’s night hadn’t already been made, the whole exchange between Sophia and Allie most definitely would have done the trick.

When CHIKA gets announced, Jess and Steve come and take over the table so Christen can go join the crowd. Sophia disappears after a promise to talk more via phone and at next months re-set the table after she returns from a quick trip out east. 

Christen pushes through the crowd, stopping to hug some of her friends and other familiar faces before she reaches Alex, Allie, and some of their teammates.

Alex leans over, “Have fun back there?” 

Christen turns and looks up at Alex who’s looking at her with raised eyebrows. The lights dim and the crowd starts to cheer so Christen knows there’s no use trying to explain anything right now. 

“I’ll tell you about it later.” 

“Okay.” Alex gives Christen more of a grimace than a smile and she wonders what it means.

When CHIKA comes out Christen pushes all of it out of her mind and decides to just enjoy how the hard work of the company has paid off.

Even if it’s only for an hour, she deserves the peace of mind. 

*/||\\*

A week later, Christen and Alex are just finishing up having dinner at Gracias Madre when Alex reaches into her purse.

“I almost forgot.” She pulls out a check and hands it to Christen. “Sorry it took so long, I had to order a new checkbook.”

Christen looks down at the check, the amount written neatly with Alex’s signature down in the right hand corner. 

She knows there is no point in disputing the amount. “Thank you.” 

Alex just nods then leans back, “So you never told me what happened with you and Sophia at the concert. Seemed like a serious conversation you two were having.”

Christen sits up, suddenly feeling nervous for reasons she has agreed to put out of her head. 

“She asked me out.” 

“Oh.” Alex blinks then pulls out a couple of bills to leave as a tip since Christen paid tonight. “I’m glad, it seemed like you never would.” 

Christen just stays silent because Alex is right, if Sophia hadn’t done it, Christen’s not sure if she ever would have. 

There’s a moment where they just stare at each other and Christen’s left wondering why exactly the silence is stretching so long. 

Alex drums two fingers on the table, “So when’s this date.” 

“We didn’t really set a time. She’s going to be in North Carolina filming for like two months starting at the end of May so we’ll have to see. If not before then maybe when we play the Courage or when she gets back. There isn’t really a big rush on it.” 

Alex looks thoughtful, “Two months is a long time. Are you sure you won’t be swooped up by someone before then?” 

“Like who?” 

Alex shrugs, “I don’t know, the mail man or some random at the beach, you never know.” 

“Well, just because I’ve agreed to a date doesn’t mean I’m going to stop living my life.” 

“Good thinking.” Alex hums, “Ready?”

“Yep.” Christen stands and they wave goodbye to Bianca, their favorite server, and head for the exit.

Alex pulls the door open when they reach the door to the indoor dining area, hand at Christen’s low back as she steers her through the open door.

When the valet pulls Alex’s car around they get in and head down Melrose. The ride is silent but it feels stiflingly in a way that isn’t awkward but it isn’t exactly comfortable either. It’s charged and Christen starts to think of things she’s only really started to notice.

The light touches low across her back as Alex pulls every door open, the way their whole bodies connected as they hugged yesterday after their third win in a row, the way they gaze at each other silently during dinner or during warm up stretches. The way that Alex’s fingers play with the ends of Christen’s hair when they aren’t doing anything but sitting on the couch or how they’re suddenly holding hands without Christen even realizing.

Have they always been like this? Or is it just recently? Christen thinks on it and she can’t even make a guess to be sure.

But it’s out there now, like a speeding freight train she has no idea how to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the longer wait everyone but still let me know what you guys think !


	15. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "One thing's for certain,  
> 
> 
> I need you right here in my arms.  
> 
> 
> Baby, I'm yearnin."  
> 
> 
> \- Teyana Taylor, _Wake Up Love_

_Sometime in May 2021_

Christen tries to focus, attempts to clear the haze in her mind, but she can’t. All she can do is stare at the woman poised above her whose breath is coming out in short pants, muscles rippling, as she holds their top halves apart and glides their centers together over and over and over. It’s erotic and hot and Christen feels like if she doesn’t come soon she might combust. 

The friction isn’t enough though, and they both know it. So when the woman pushes up to her knees then moves back off the bed, Christen is somewhat expecting it but she still immediately misses the contact. Her heated skin cools slightly but not by much. Christen's tilts her head up but doesn’t have time to think or even ask a question because suddenly her back is sliding across her sheets as strong hands grip her thighs and pull her to the edge of the bed.

Christen teeters for a second as her ass loses contact with the mattress but then a steady hand grips her hip tightly before the woman drops down to her knees.

“Don’t worry, I got you,” a voice pitched low all but breathes into her center just before Christen's thighs are placed smoothly on broad tan shoulders.

A shiver runs up Christen's spine when she glances down and then her mouth drops open as skillful fingers spread her and a tongue glides confidently over her clit.

“Oh my – “ Christen can’t even finish her thought, brain short-circuiting, a moan breaking through as the woman laps at her. She whimpers as the tongue circles her opening, teasing her before two fingers enter her swiftly and surely.

Christen’s hands scramble for purchase, the sheets she’s been gripping don’t give her enough traction, so her hands end up in silky brown hair.

Dark eyes peer up at her, the black of her pupils expanding so far that even with the light shinning in from the window, she can’t see the color surrounding them.

The fingers thrust slowly, almost leisurely and then pick up speed until with each pass they curl inside of her, and Christen can feel the wetness slipping down her thighs. The rhythm of her hips begins to falter, she’s close and her fingers act on their own volition, twisting in the hair between her fingers to pull the woman in closer.

The motion causes an unfiltered moan that vibrates through Christen’s clit and it’s enough, with dark eyes trained on her and fingers curling just right, it’s enough to pull her right over the edge.

Christen shudders awake, back arching as the orgasm rocks through her.

She takes in a deep much needed breath. It’s been a long time since she’s had a dream as intimate as that one, as real as that one, with a face as clear as the one between her legs was.

Her eyes open a couple seconds later and she stares up at her ceiling. She’s still breathing hard, sweating through her t-shirt and shorts, the stickiness between her legs so evident now – the realness of the dream feeling like whiplash. 

It’s a lot to take in on a Monday morning. 

Her alarm blares just as she’s finally cooling down and her heart rate starts to return to normal.

Christen gets up, staring at her rumpled sheets at the edge of her bed, where just minutes before she thought her shoulders were the only thing keeping her in contact with the surface.

A cold shower hopefully will help wash away the images replaying in her head. If not she has a yoga session at the beach before practice that would surely give her some quiet moments to compartmentalize.

Later, Christen will realize it doesn’t actually help with anything; the dreams keep coming steadily after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I have put that this is just random very mild smut at the beginning or the end?


	16. May 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you could see my thoughts you would see our faces.  
> 
> 
> I had no chance to prepare, I couldn't see you coming."  
> 
> 
> \- Frank Ocean, _Ivy_

_The end of May_

The picture Alex posts isn’t supposed to gain as much traction as it does.

Maybe it’s the caption, “LA sunsets really are the best time for soccer”, which is just basic enough that people can relate. Or maybe it’s the fact that she’s sitting in the middle of the field at SAMOHI, smile so genuine it causes her teeth to ache looking at it, with Christen in the background mid juggle and Blue off to the side sitting and watching. The backdrop is gorgeous, the sky is that cotton candy pink color mixed with oranges and light purples and you can just see the edges of the ocean.

It’s a good fucking picture, Alex knows this, and she’s actually really proud of it too. So she posts it, not really thinking too much about it, tagging Christen, Nike (because her and Christen are both wearing the whole new training collection they sent them) and the LAFC instagram page (because she knows Rini will appreciate the aesthetic).

Alex throws her phone in her bag and gets up to play stand in goalkeeper as Christen starts to shoot her 150 shots (Alex maybe saves ten of them). When it’s her turn to go her phone starts ringing, the sound breaking the calmness that’s centered around the evening, as they train lightly on their Saturday off.

She ignores it at first, but then it keeps ringing and ringing and ringing and Christen gives her an “are you going to get that?” look so she concedes. Alex assumes it’s her Mom or Allie, the only two people who will blow up her phone until she finally answers, but it’s actually Penelope, who’s the head of media for LAFC.

“Hello?”

“Alex hey, have you looked at your instagram since you posted that picture?”

The question catches her off guard. For one, she has her notifications turned off on almost all her accounts, and two she’s just spent the last half hour trying to not get pelted with the rockets that Christen was sending at the goal…so no she hasn't checked. 

“Uh no?” Alex says confused, putting her phone on speaker so she can open up her feed. When she sees her picture she gets proud of herself all over again, because obviously people agree it’s a good picture, at least 300k.

However, Alex still doesn't understand the point of Penelope's call. “Okay I just looked but what’s up?”

“Since you posted that, which wasn’t even an hour ago, the LAFC page has gotten almost fifty thousand new followers. So I wanted to call and see if you’re up for doing a more focused social media campaign." Penelope reveals and then waits a beat, "Is Christen still with you?”

Alex looks back and Christen’s just sitting in the middle of the goal, face turned up towards the now dark sky and Blue resting next to her.

“Yeah, she’s still with me.”

“Okay, perfect.” Penelope says and then launches into the idea that obviously formed in the last half hour or so to get engagement up for the social media accounts and for the team overall.

LAFC had done promo campaigns, nothing really crazy like when the national team was about to go to the World Cup or Olympics, but definitely bigger than anything she did with the Thorns or the Pride. But a team promotion was a lot different than a more strategic individualized promotion.

So after they get off the phone, Penelope sends both her and Christen the draft write up with Rini cc’d. They both read through it, still sitting on the lit field and Alex realizes they’re about to do a full-scale social media bomb. She's actually impressed, because Penelope probably wrote up the whole thing in fifteen minutes…the woman was a machine. But it’s simple enough that they both agree to do it.

That was last month, right after their first win, and they’d been on a roll ever since.

The whole campaign would've been somewhat of a problem if she didn’t already hang out with Christen as much as she does. So now instead of just pictures on her phone, there were pictures uploaded to Instagram and Twitter, with LAFC tagged in every one.

And it works. 

The team instagram and twitter are now the most followed in the NWSL and her and Christen’s jersey sales go up by some crazy percentage once they start winning. Christen’s is the number one seller and Alex can’t even be mad at the fact – she’d buy Christen’s jersey too. Plus their personal accounts get a bit hectic and Christen hits 1.2 million followers in just three weeks.

The promotion campaign also is a success in terms of visibility for the women’s game. In California at least, their games are played on the NBCSN and ESPN 2, which are big steps up from getting streamed on Lifetime. Nike and Youtube also donate a lot of money to run ads during the game and their games end up turning out more viewers than some MLS games.

Alex also realizes, right around the time that the LAFC cheering section account posts an edit of the two of them, that people love her and Christen as a duo. Alex assumes it’s for one of two reasons: they love that they are dominating the game up top or because there is still this idea that they were something akin to enemies in the early days of Christen getting onto the team and now they’re best friends.

The latter idea is far from the truth, they weren’t enemies or rivals. Yes, Alex was a raging bitch to Christen that first day at camp but she apologized profusely and still does.

Alex remembers that there was this foreboding sensation that washed over her when she saw Christen sitting in her seat, Tobin chatting happily with her as if it was a normal occurrence.

It wasn’t. It was Christen’s _first_ camp for crying out loud.

And she knew about Christen then, the girl had beaten her out for the MAC Herman trophy, broke all these Stanford records and Alex was told (by Kelley) that Christen was like the nicest girl on the planet other than Boxxy.

But even if she was the nicest person on the planet it didn’t mean that the bus seats suddenly weren’t a thing. And Alex surely wasn’t going to let the girl, who was arguably the best player of her class in college, come in and take her spot. It was immature and stupid on Alex’s part but at the time all she could think about was how quickly things could slip away.

So Alex had spit out words like venom, her facial expression something closer to annoyance than understanding.

“You didn’t have to be so mean,” Tobin had said lowly after Christen got up and Alex sat down in the vacated seat. “I told her to sit with me.”

Alex had felt bad, she really did, but back then her pride was too hot to handle sometimes.

And she knows now, that the foreboding sensation she had gotten then, indicated that Christen was someone who would always be knocking on her door. Always be there to light a fire under her ass to be better. It’s something now she appreciates and she knows that if Christen wasn’t so weighed down by her own self-doubt and expectations back then she would have taken the rug right out from under Alex.

They both had a lot of growing up to do, Christen’s more so on self-acceptance and her own being trying to tamper down her temper and ego.

But they were never _enemies_ ; however, they were never really that close of friends either.

Despite how close they all are on the national team, it’s more like a family reunion every time they see each other at camp or for games rather than a big friend group coming back together after some time apart. Inevitably, they break out into smaller groups, which have changed throughout the years as people retire, are no longer called up, or just change.

Since Alex can remember, camp really wasn’t camp if Sydney wasn’t there. They had become close during their time on the U-20 national team and that continued on when Syd got called up to the senior side a year after Alex. Kelley exploded into Alex’s life in that time in between and Tobin became a fixture along with Allie when they were all on the Thorns. That was years ago though, back when Alex was one of the youngest on the team and considered a rookie in the eyes of Abby and Christie.

Up until last year, camp for Alex was spent with Kelley, Allie, and usually Sonnet if corralled. Of course she’d hang out with her other teammates, but like all experiences you’re closer to some more than others.

Now, Alex found herself in an interesting set of moving pieces – and if she’s honest, she really has no problem with it.

Bringing things back to her initial point, her and Christen had never been close enough – friendship wise – to spend time together at camp. Now though, a lot of Alex’s time at camp is spent with Christen, Allie, and Kelley with Mal, Rose, and Sam tagging along. And because Alex knows she already monopolizes Christen’s time in LA, when Pinoe, Ash, Ali, Alyssa, or even Tobin pull the other woman away Alex understands that in this set, Christen’s the moving piece.

But people don't see them at camp, not really. They only see that before her and Christen were never really around each other, didn't even really start to play together up top until recently and were now on the same league team. So Alex can understand the draw people have when it comes to trying to understand why all of the sudden the two of them are close.

Alex doesn’t feel any need to explain it though, because at the end of the day, all that matters, is that she’s a lot better because of it.

*/||\\*

Blue is sitting patiently at Alex’s feet, eyes following her subtle hand movements as she sets down her mascara and puts the finishing touches on her make-up.

She reaches out to give him a couple of well placed scratches behind his ear in thanks for always being there when she needs him. Alex knows she’s been neglectful over the last two months, taking all of Blue’s love and affection and not giving her dog that much back.

But she knows in some way he understands because he’s going through the loss of someone too. Plus he’s been getting more time and attention from her parents, Franny, and Christen than he’s probably ever gotten since he was born.

The little guy runs himself into a nap when Alex drops him off at her parents or at Franny’s, when her friend is in town, before she leaves for an away game. And although Blue still follows Alex around the house, when Christen comes over it’s like the dog whisperer herself has arrived and suddenly Alex doesn’t exist. So really, her number one guy is doing fine. 

Alex grabs her keys and throws Blue one of his treats before walking out the door and getting into her car to head to Silver Lake for the re-inc event.

When Alex arrives forty-five minutes later the art exposition and silent auction are already in full swing. There are a ton of local artists being featured on the walls in the showroom and two of Tobin’s pieces are up for auction too. Alex really had no idea Tobin was so good at art until about two weeks ago, and at first looking at her pieces, it seemed like somewhat of an escape.

Everyone had something, for Alex it’s usually running herself into the ground, sprinting until her legs give out and she’s too out of breath to scream. Christen meditated and did yoga, Kelley boxed, and Allie shopped. They all had something.

But looking at Tobin’s latest large scale piece, the blues, purples, and white merging together, it maybe wasn’t an escape but instead a form of self-expression.

Alex had been there when Tobin had first showed the pieces. She had been sitting in Kling’s apartment with Christen and Tobin when Tobin left for a bit to get something from her own place. Alex watched Christen for most of the evening, looking for any sign of the expected discomfort that could come from being back in a place Christen once called home. But her friend looked entirely relaxed and had given Alex her “don’t worry” smile.

Tobin had come back in a minute later with a stack of canvases and Alex had been surprised to say the least when she saw just how talented Tobin was. The rest of the night went off without a hitch; the four of them going to one of the lounges in Portland where a lot of Christen’s other friends from town were itching to see her again. Then once Alex sent a message to the team group chat, the lounge turned into more of a bar, too many drinks and shit-talking (because LAFC beat the Thorns) by the time it was time for them to close up shop.

The whole evening had been great but as Alex carried two of Tobin’s, now wrapped, canvases back to the hotel she couldn’t shake the feeling that something had shifted.

Alex keeps walking through the showroom, stopping to say hello to Jess, one of the re-inc execs, before walking out onto the open patio where most people are gathered. She hasn’t seen any of her teammates yet but then she spots a small group of them over at one of the tables in the corner.

“Alex!” Jill greets her with a hug when she gets to the table and then Alex is moving around to hug Abby, Shannon, and Cami before settling into one of the only empty chairs left.

The girls seem to pick back up on whatever conversation they were previously having but Alex isn’t paying much attention. Instead she takes another look around. She sees a couple of her other teammates, gives a wave to Lee who’s over by the food station, but doesn’t see any sign of Christen.

Alex sighs and turns back around to see a dejected looking Shannon, Jill patting her hand with a smile on her face in mock comfort.

“It’s okay Shan, it happens to the best of us.” 

Abby guffaws, “You can barely speak more than five words to her. It’s been like five months, did you really think something would happen?” 

Alex looks at Shannon, who has turned red in the face as Jill, Abby, and Cami all just laugh. 

“Wait, what’re you guys talking about?” Alex questions.

“Shan going all heart eyes over CP of course.” Abby says and Shannon covers her face with a groan. 

Alex can’t help the laugh that comes out because everything starts to make sense. Christen thought Shannon didn’t like her for some random reason, but now Alex can see that the problem is that she likes her too much. 

“Aww first crush on a woman Shan?” Alex asks giving Shannon a quick smirk even though she knows the answer.

Shannon shakes her head, “No, I told you about my girlfriend in college.”

“Problem is, Shannon here likes older women.” Jill says and her and Cami dissolve into a giggles.

“Shut up, it’s not like I’m in love with her or anything.” Shannon glares at Jill. “It’s just a small, little, pretty much non-existent crush.”

“Yeah, well Queen P already has enough admirers Shan.” Cami points out, “Plus she’s so out of your league.”

Shannon nods and looks over Alex’s shoulder, “Very true, but they’re definitely in the same one.”

When Alex turns, she sees Christen standing just at the large open door of the showroom. Her head is bent in close talking with Sophia and a lingering hand from the actress is low on Christen’s waist. The way they are standing together and talking looks familiar and comfortable. Sophia must say something funny because Christen’s head tilts back and she let’s out a laugh so free it lights up Sophia’s face, hand still resting on Christen’s waist.

The sight hits Alex like a physical blow and if she wasn’t already sitting down she’d probably topple over. A fire begins to burn deep in her gut, embers igniting up until her throat catches too.

It tints her vision green and the feeling washes over her slow enough for Alex to realize what it is.

She’s jealous…and it confuses the shit out of her.

The realization does nothing to comfort her and if anything she’s disappointed in herself. She should be happy for Christen; Sophia is great and they seem like if they did get together they’d be one of those philanthropic couples who send hundreds of kids to college and work to end world hunger.

Alex can’t compete with that.

The thought scares her a bit because did she even want to be in the competition?

Alex internally groans, the question is apparently a rhetorical one. Because obviously she does, she’s wanted to be in the competition longer than she cares to admit.

So how the hell did she get here? Watching from afar as another woman flirts with her best friend and she feels like an empty pit is forming in her stomach. It’s been a long time since she’s been jealous. A long time since the person she was interested in was interested in someone else. A long time since she’s looked at one of her friends in the way she looks at Christen.

Alex wonders why she couldn’t have just taken Jen up on her suggestion to set her up. Or listened to Jaime when he called about lots of hot eligible bachelors/bachelorettes at some Cal mixer that was in LA at the InterContinental.

But no, she had to go and develop feelings for Christen Press. To the point that she’s buying forever roses for her at one in the morning and rush shipping them just so Christen could enjoy some flowers that she wouldn't have to throw out in a week. To the point where she asked Christen to spend Valentine’s Day with her under the pretense of friendship but wished almost every minute of that night for it to be more. At times it felt like more, but this was _Christen_.

Denial has been Alex’s friend for a long time, and maybe she’s a bit of a masochist because seeing Christen with Sophia, or hearing her talk about the other woman (who Alex actually really likes), she only hesitates a moment before voicing her approval when Christen asks her opinion.

But one thing about denial, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. And she’s always been a jealous person, too possessive, and egotistical. All traits she’s been working on since she was seventeen and realized she could be a real asshole when prompted. Now she’s almost thirty-two and the jolly green giant is rearing its ugly head again for the first time in almost a decade.

What’s she to do though? Ask Christen out? Tell her she can’t stop thinking about her? Ask her if she feels the same? Ask her if suddenly the lines are blurring a little for her too? 

Should she ask those things?

No – what she needed to do is not be so consumed by her. It’s sometimes without Alex even knowing and she doesn’t think Christen does either.

But Alex has seen Christen in similar positions with Kelley and maybe she’s not the best example, since they slept together, but Christen’s a loving person, someone who likes to be physically connected with people she’s close too. So Alex doesn’t really know what to make of certain things, of moments where their interactions seem like they are verging on something more. Alex tries to ignore it but other times she’s sure the weight of their eye contact is enough to set both of them ablaze.

Alex turns back around, the feelings inside of her a bit intense and Alex recognizes that she needs to tread delicately. She doesn't want to mess anything up and have one of her most important friendships right now turn weird because she thinks about what it would be like to have more. For a second, Alex wonders if this was how Kelley felt and if so, she agrees that it does kind of suck. 

"Christen!" Abby announces and Alex turns again to see Christen approaching their table. "Finally, we thought we'd lost you to the art critics of LA." 

Christen laughs and comes up to stand in the space between Alex and Abby's chairs and Alex can feel the heat radiating off of her body. It's a bit distracting, considering where her mind just was and the now dying embers burning in her stomach. 

"There aren't any art critics here. This is just a community showcase." 

"So they say." Abby answers Christen then points, "Look at that guy, he's wearing an ascot. That's definitely an art critic." 

Alex looks towards the man Abby's talking about and the checkered suit, pocket watch chain hanging from his pants, and circular glasses do kind of make him look like he knows more about art than the rest of them - the ascot is just the cherry on top. 

"This is LA girl, for all we know he could be working in construction." Cami says and the laugh Alex lets out helps ease some of the tension across Alex's shoulders that she didn't know she was holding. 

"Well if Fred Jones over there is in construction I need to really rethink my own fashion choices." Abby laughs, looking down at her own clothes. 

"You and me both." Jill says before turning to Christen with something akin to mischief in her eye. “CP, we all chipped in to bid for that evening skyline piece.”

Christen smiles, “I saw, you guys are great.”

Abby sits up taller then motions next to her at Shannon. “It was all Shannon’s idea.”

Jill covers her mouth to prevent the laugh from coming out and Cami hides her smile behind taking a sip from her glass. Alex is still trying to fucking get a grip so she has no idea if Christen sees that something is obviously off.

Christen doesn’t seem to notice and just turns and gives Shannon a soft smile, “Aww you’re really sweet. The artist is going to be really excited.”

Shannon mouths something close to “asshole” at Jill next to her but not before a light colored blush takes over. If Alex didn’t find herself in the same predicament, she’d find the whole thing hilarious.

Christen turns placing a hand on Alex's shoulder to get her attention.

“Why didn’t you text me when you got here?”

Alex thinks about if it would have even mattered since Christen seemed pretty occupied up until a minute ago. She shrugs at Christen's question, trying to cover the spark that seems to be reigniting. 

Christen tilts her head at Alex’s non-answer but decides not to push.

“Okay well, I want to show you something.” Christen squeezes Alex’s shoulder then turns to the other girls at the table. “We will be right back.”

Alex doesn't hesitate, standing to follow Christen and she can just hear the sounds of a mildly pissed off Shannon as they walk away. Alex shakes her head and follows closely behind Christen until they are in a small alcove within the makeshift gallery.

There are two paintings, seemingly by the same artist. Both are on medium sized canvases, the backgrounds of both painted a dark, almost black, shade of blue. The first painting is of three large white pine trees that are shadowed with different shades of grey. The trees look like Grey Pines, similar to the ones that line her parent’s back fence. The canvas next to it is angled slightly higher, as if the large moon in the center is what’s casting the trees in white light.

They’re beautiful individually, but together, the paintings make Alex feel like she’s back in Diamond Bar, laying on the grass in her backyard and staring up into the sky.

“Holy shit.” Alex whispers and next to her Christen laughs lightly.

“I knew you’d like them.”

Like them? Alex loves them and right then she’s sure she’ll outbid whoever is currently sitting in the top spot to get both pieces. She’ll just have to figure out where she’d hang them though.

“I thought they would look good in the hallway leading to the guest bedrooms, since the walls are white.” Christen says as if reading Alex’s mind. “You can just move the mirror to go over the entryway table.”

Alex doesn’t even have to picture it to know it’ll look good. She probably needs to start paying Christen for all the interior decorating she’s done at her place.

“The silent auction ends in fifteen minutes.” Christen whispers and then turns as if to give Alex sometime alone in the small space but Alex, without even thinking, grabs softly at her wrist.

Christen stops and turns, looking up at Alex who’s a good three inches taller since she decided last minute to throw on heels while Christen’s wearing a sensible, but stylish, pair of flats.

Alex doesn’t let go of Christen’s wrist, instead her fingers move slowly down until they intertwine with Christen’s own. The move is intimate and Alex searches for when she started wanting all their interactions to be.

She can’t find an exact point, but it probably was around the time that Christen started looking at Alex the way she is now. Alex honestly can’t even think about what she was going to say. It’s a jumbled fucking mess in her mind and Christen’s eyes look so green in the bright lights that the jealousy that was burning inside of Alex has turned into something else entirely.

She considers throwing caution to the wind. 

But she doesn’t. She can’t. She’s supposed to getting a grip. 

Christen’s still looking at Alex so she just gives a quick shake of her head to clear it and squeezes Christen’s hand before letting go.

“Looks like I’ll have to get my bid in quick then.” She says and Christen just gives Alex a soft smile and they walk back around into the larger gallery space.

Alex places a bid nearly two times the highest offer.

She’s so fucked.

*/||\\*

Orlando in May isn’t nearly as unbearable as Orlando in June and July. But with temperatures in the eighties, the humidity bears down to make it feel like it’s ninety degrees and climbing.

Luckily, Syd has a covered patio and Alex’s glass of water is filled with enough ice cubes to take away the sting of heat that comes from just watching Rioux and Cassius run around the backyard.

She’s been at Syd’s since last night, opting to stay overnight at her friend’s after their game instead of going back to the hotel. The team had the rest of the weekend free until they were flying out tomorrow afternoon to head to DC.

Since the league has grown to thirteen teams, after the addition of Sacramento and Louisville in 2019 and LAFC and New York Red Bull Women’s sides, the season has gotten longer. They’ve been in season for a month now, playing roughly two games a week, and haven’t played Washington, Utah, Louisville, or North Carolina yet.

It’s a nice change of pace from previous seasons, the traveling and practices not taking so much out of Alex despite there being more of each. It probably has something to do with the fact that she’s not always taking an extra flight to see Serv or vice versa – a stark reminder that shit has changed drastically in just a year.

Nevertheless, the team is 8-0 right now, currently sitting at the top of the table, Portland and NC right behind them with 7-1 records. They handed Portland their first lost two weeks ago and the Red Bulls stunned North Carolina in their first game.

The game last night against Orlando had been one of their tougher games since beginning, so they definitely deserve the day off.

Most of her teammates were going to Universal Studios or Disney World but a couple of them had decided to just hang out with their friends in the city. Christen was over at Ashlyn and Ali’s, most likely gushing over the fact that Ali and Ash would soon be Moms and they were all probably crying because Ali would be announcing her retirement from the national team next month. Alex, Syd, Emily, who would be turning up at Syd’s in an hour or two, and Ali Riley were going to go over to Ash and Ali’s for a celebratory dinner with some of Alex’s old Pride teammates.

Alex is over the moon for her two friends and the “hot mama” shirts she had gotten custom for the two of them she knew they were going to love.

“God, it’s so hot out here my underboob’s underboob is sweating.” Sydney sits down and fans herself.

“That’s disgusting.”

“You’re telling me.” Syd gives Alex a curious look. “You’re not fake tanning out there in Cali are you, you look especially bronze Morgan.”

Alex rolls her eyes, “Ew no, actually, it’s just that I don’t melt when I lay out at the beach like I used to if I decided to plop down over there.” Alex points to where Cassius is picking up Rioux.

“Oh goodness, here goes my kid again thinking he’s the Hulk.” Alex chuckles as Sydney stands up and moves to make sure Cassius doesn’t drop his sister.

Alex’s phone vibrates on the table and she picks it up to see a text and a video.

**Christen (11:24 am):** _I guess I owe you two bottles._

_Might need you and Syd as backup soon!_

The accompanied video is of Ashlyn in tears, explaining to, what looks like an amused looking Ali, why she’s so happy to be married. Alex can hear Christen laughing in the background and the look of both amusement and love on Ali’s face is something she’s very familiar with seeing. Which is why she made the bet with Christen in the first place – there was no way Ali was going to be the first one to break and cry tears of happiness when Christen arrived at their place.

Two bottles of her favorite wine would be calling her name once they get back to LA. Alex wants to hit Christen with an “I told you so” but another text comes in before she can type out her response.

**Christen (11:26 am):** _Don’t gloat!_

_Damn._

Alex has been on a roll though lately. Aside from their running bet for scrimmages at practice, they usually make random bets with the reward being either food or some type of wine, champagne, or coffee. Christen has a whole shelf in her pantry of just artesian coffee that Alex had gotten her after a particularly abysmal week of betting on Alex’s part. But now she’s back in the game.

**Alex (11:27 am):** _Wouldn’t dream of it._

**Christen (11:27 am):** _Liar._

Alex laughs and types out another message.

**Alex: (11:28 am):** _I’ll take two of the Westerly Pinots._

_I think Total Wine is having a sale._

Christen just replies with the eye rolling emoji and safe to say Alex is satisfied.

“What’re you smiling at?”

Alex looks up from her phone as Sydney sits back down in the chair across from her. Had she been smiling?

“Oh it’s nothing. Christen just sent a video of Ashlyn freaking out about Ali’s retirement game and them being married.”

“Oh man, again? The woman is driving me insane. I send Cassius over there now to tire her out and not the other way around, just so Ali and I can get some peace.”

Alex laughs, “Yeah, Christen said we might be needed as back up.”

“Typical, I’ll have to get Cassius prepared.” Sydney jokes and then gives her a pointed look. “Also, thanks a lot. After you guys beat us yesterday the little terror over there wants to move to LA to visit you guys and I quote ‘the waves’.”

“We _do_ have better beaches.”

“I let him watch too many calming ocean videos on Youtube.” Sydney says with a sigh but then she gives Alex a beaming smile. “But you seem a lot better Lex. It’s different seeing you in person then over FaceTime.”

Alex nods at Sydney’s words, remembering the last time she’d been with Sydney she had been switching between crying and laughing. It had been a lot of emotions to deal with for Alex at the time.

“I am a _lot_ better.” Alex’s divorce had been finalized for three months now, but her relationship had been over for three years. For Alex, that was enough time to come to terms with it all, with help.

“Good. Plus, I’m glad you aren’t alone over there.”

“I’m fine.” Alex emphasizes again but Sydney just gives her a look.

“I know how you get.”

Alex tries to figure out what to say but there’s no use fighting it. She did have a tendency to fall into herself during difficult times, to find recess in her own space and not let anyone in. It never really worked well, her friends always finding some way to wiggle through the walls Alex tried to build. Whether it be Allie, or Kelley, or Syd she really had no choice in the matter.

But now with Christen, she didn’t really feel the need to go through all her shit alone. And yeah at times she didn’t want to share or talk much, but Christen understood that. Alex’s growing feelings for the woman didn’t change that part of their relationship.

“I’m basically over it now and Christen’s been really helpful. She's made me do a lot of stuff, host stuff at my house with the team, so I didn't really have a chance to go into full on recluse mode.”

“I can tell.”

Syd’s voice takes on an amused tone and Alex narrows her eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” Sydney chuckles and then places her chin in her palm. “So, when did _that_ start?”

Alex gives Sydney a confused look. “When did what start?”

“You and Christen.”

Alex internally panics for a second because of course Sydney would know. Not that anything _is_ happening, but Syd would know that at the very least Alex is thinking about it.

She decides to play dumb even though she knows Sydney won’t believe her for a second.

“Nothing is going on between Christen and I.”

“Not yet.” Sydney eyes her, not even losing the amused expression on her face. “Come on Alex, obviously something is going on. You should see yourself when you look at her.”

Alex sighs and rubs a hand across her face. The only time Sydney even saw them interact recently, other than on FaceTime, was yesterday after the game. Alex doesn’t think she was looking at Christen in any way.

“Is it obvious?”

“To me, yes.” Sydney laughs and she looks triumphant – Alex hates her. “So are you going to tell me when it started or what?”

“Really nothing is going on. I just – “ Alex trails off because she has no clue how to even verbalize what she’s been feeling. It’s just that it’s Christen, she can’t even say anything more than that.

Plus Alex was unprepared for their friendship, so it's safe to assume she’s ten times more unprepared to deal with the sudden urge she gets to just go for it. She’s never been a quitter or a coward but she can’t – no she won’t – mess up the friendship that they’ve built.

Her feet start tapping and Alex feels the need to start to pace.

“I believe you when you say nothing is going on, but that doesn’t change the fact that you want it to.” Syd says softly, like she knows Alex is a flight risk. “You need to be careful, because Christen isn't just anyone Alex.”

“I know.”

“She can’t be a rebound.” Sydney continues.

“She’d never be a rebound,” Alex scoffs, angry for a moment that Sydney would even think that. “I’m getting a handle on it, okay?”

Sydney just raises her hands in surrender, “Okay, don’t bite my head off. If you say you’re handling it then you’re handling it.”

Yeah, Alex is handling it. And the first step to getting a handle on anything is first identifying and accepting what it is.

She’s still working on step one.

*/||\\*

Dinner at Ali and Ashlyn’s is crazy, loud, and filled with some of the happiest moments Alex thinks she’s ever seen of the two of them.

Ali is absolutely glowing and Alex knows that the pregnancy glow is a real thing; but is that even possible when the baby isn’t even the size of peanut yet?

Alex doesn’t care to really figure it out because she’s too busy taking videos on her phone of the pair of them opening the gifts everyone has brought over for them as a surprise.

It’s hilarious and kind of perfect, and Alex realizes just how much she missed Orlando and her old team. But she has no regrets about her move to LA, the team she’s on now, or the friends she’s made in the midst of this new post-marriage life.

Is that a thing?

It’s definitely a thing, because her friends were all asking her about the single life in LA and the LA dating scene, having heard all types of rumors over the years. Alex couldn’t comment on either, because she honestly has no idea.

She’s a single woman living in LA, that much is true. But is she actively seeing someone, going out to get picked up, looking for a new relationship?

No.

But really, Alex is just thankful they aren’t asking her about Servando, or giving her looks of sympathy or pity. She’d much rather answer questions about her dating life back home then about how her divorce went.

Her old teammates are still shamelessly brazen though, once they all actually sit down to eat dinner after the gifts are opened they start yelling over each other about who’s the more eligible bachelorette between her or Christen. It reminds Alex of that one season of the actual television show _The Bachelorette_ , where first episode they had the guys picking between two woman. Whereas, that had been so cringe worthy the producers never tried it again, this is a lot more entertaining once Alanna and Marta start up.

Next to her, Christen finds the whole thing hysterical. She’s letting out full belly laughs and leaning over to whisper to Alex whenever she thinks someone has made a good point.

When they finally all come to the consensus that Christen’s the more eligible bachelorette, Alex had no doubt, fit with a “YASSS QUEEN” from Ashlyn they move on to different topics like the season and expectations for Ali’s pregnancy.

Christen’s sitting forward, actively listening to the conversations around her and looking so calm and relaxed that Alex’s eyes are drawn easily to her.

She admires Christen’s profile, the gentle way her eyelashes touch her cheeks when she blinks, the smoothness of her jaw line, the small scar at the edge of her hairline Christen told her she got after falling off her bike when she was eleven and rebelling against helmets.

She’d noticed it in a moment similar to this, when she couldn't help but stare and she couldn't stop her fingers as they gently moved across the scar. Christen had turned at the touch, eyes leaving the HGTV show on TV, to give Alex such a soft smile that it took the air out of her lungs.

That happened last month. 

But it’s moments like that, where Christen’s beauty makes Alex’s hands shake and her heart bleed because she gets this sudden want to hold her and never let her go.

It’s fucking insane.

Even more insane is that Alex wants to reach out now, but all their friends are around and she’s _supposed_ to be handling it. So Alex just squeezes her hands into fists in her lap and looks away.

She meets Syd’s eyes across from her and she gives Alex a knowing look. Alex just sighs. She should have never said anything to Sydney, because she’d be much better off stewing in her thoughts alone without anyone knowing what's going on in her head.

But Alex will admit, one thing that is good about Syd knowing is that now Alex understands what the look might mean that Sydney is giving her. It’s a look she needs to keep in mind for the weeks to come.

Alex thinks it means something close to “check your fucking face”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has a crush on Christen! It's just how I assume most things go. Let me know what you think! 
> 
> Also I hope everyone is doing okay in regards to the wildfires, Hurricane Laura , and dealing with possible grief due to the immense amount of loss and hatred we are experiencing within this country. But keep fighting the good fight everybody, good trouble!


	17. July 2021 - I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That smile on your face makes it easy to trust you,  
> 
> 
> if they only knew."  
> 
> 
> \- Miguel, _Girl with the Tattoo_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: Fixed a few things!!

_The beginning of July_

Christen’s carefully placing the three tier strawberry shortcake on her glass cake stand, the result from her afternoon spent next door with the Crafts, when her phone rings. She takes a second to admire the cake before grabbing the vibrating device and answering.

Alex is already speaking before she can even mutter a hello in greeting, “So, do you want to go to Bangkok?”

Christen leans back against her kitchen counter, holding the phone close to her ear, “Thailand?”

“No, Thai _food_ Chris, Thai food.”

“I’m not really feeling Thai.” Christen says. It’s just hitting four in the afternoon and she’s starving after smelling the cake for the last hour and not being able to eat it since it’s for Alex’s surprise birthday party tomorrow.

“Okay, what do you want then?” Alex asks, and it sounds like she’s outside. Christen can hear cars and the wind rustling against the speaker of the phone.

She thinks about it for a second, “Want to go to Nobu?”

Alex groans, “You know I don’t want to go to Nobu after what happened last time.”

Christen chuckles, thinking back to said time. Halle Berry was there and Alex had a mini freak out. It was one of the funniest things Christen had ever seen, but Halle had approached them with her young daughter, and had been so nice that Christen couldn’t even blame Alex for being star stuck.

So Christen concedes, “Fine, what about Sushi Enya?”

Alex makes a sound like she’s thinking about it, and Christen thinks about it too. She hasn’t had the Japanese restaurant close to Alex’s house since Valentine’s Day and the reminder makes her head kind of spin thinking about everything that happened that night.

Maybe she shouldn’t have suggested it.

Christen hears a bark on the other line and she takes that as an agreement to her thought.

“Blue chill, it’s a squirrel.” Alex says, then more clearly into the phone, “I’m not really feeling Japanese. Let’s go to Broken Spanish?”

“Al that’s downtown and it’s close to peak rush hour time.”

Alex scoffs, “You won’t even be driving Christen.”

“That’s besides the point. I don’t want to sit in traffic for an hour.”

“Aww, you don’t want to hang out with me while the fumes of pollution roll by?” Alex says, actually sounding kind of sad.

Christen groans, “You know that’s not it, shut up.”

“Whatever," Alex laughs, "Just come over and we’ll just go to Gracias Madre.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit.”

“The garage will be open.” Alex answers and then Christen waits a beat. She can still hear the sounds of cars on the road and the wind blowing on Alex’s end.

Christen pulls the phone away and sees that Alex hasn’t disconnected.

“Al?” Christen asks.

“Yeah?”

“Why haven’t you hung up?”

“I don’t know,” Alex answers then pauses. “Why haven’t you?”

Christen rolls her eyes, “Oh my god, bye.” Christen ends the call with a shake of her head just as Alex let’s out another loud laugh.

She drops her phone on the counter and stares at it for a second; suddenly feeling like the weight in her stomach has now amassed to her chest.

It’s a routine feeling now, her brain finally catching up and identifying it for what it is. But it’s still unnerving. How quickly it fills her up inside, just by easy conversation and the strong familiarity that their friendship has created. But Christen still carries it like a weight, calls it such, and she really isn’t sure how to unload it.

*/||\\*

When Christen parks her car in the garage next to Alex’s BMW the sensation in her chest is just now easing back down to her stomach, no longer crawling up towards her mouth to make her say things she probably shouldn’t.

It prickles back up when Alex materializes at the garage door just as Christen is shutting the door of her car.

“Finally," Alex says leaning against the doorframe, "You know if you want to always drive ten under the speed limit I really need to start having a snack prepared.”

"I'm not speeding up Lincoln to get here Alex, that's next to impossible anyway." Christen says and Alex just gives her a fond smile, watching her closely as Christen rounds her car and moves to stand a couple feet away.

“Hey.” She greets because it’s all she can really think of saying at the moment.

Alex tilts her head at her, that studying look in her eyes, “Hi.”

Christen feels the weight growing again, traveling up slowly the longer they hold eye contact. She turns away and takes a couple of steps towards Alex’s car and looks over her shoulder. “I thought you were hungry?”

Alex laughs turning to shut and lock the door, “Oh I am.”

Christen climbs into the car and Alex follows, but the air in the enclosed space between them starts to feel like it’s sizzling. Christen wonders if Alex feels it too, if the subtle changes that have been happening between them the last couple of months are as noticeable to her as they are to Christen. If the way they interact leaves her both satisfied and longing like it leaves Christen.

Even more so, Christen has noticed that something has shifted within the last month and she isn’t really sure if it’s just _her_ energy that is off or if it’s them. Because she never felt this gnawing discomfort when they were in the car before, but in the last couple of weeks, during their rides to practice or games, during shopping trips or random outings they would have these long bouts of silence. Music would be playing from the speakers but nothing is said between them – which usually would be fine.

But now, the silence is more tense than comfortable and Christen feels like she has so much to say but doesn’t know how to say it. She wonders if Alex is feeling like that too.

Christen knows she should ask, question it, but she’s kind of scared of the answer she’ll get. She’s also scared of the questions that might be asked in return. So she let’s the silence stretch.

Alex doesn’t break it either, usually.

So today’s no different as Alex quietly maneuvers through West Hollywood and Christen wonders if she’s going through all of this alone. There are questions she has, looks Alex has given her since Valentine’s Day that make Christen consider more than she should, and then moments where Alex’s mood changes so swiftly that Christen thinks she’s done something wrong. But she lets it go, because she’s overthinking things now and it’s probably because she’s projecting her own feelings. Honestly, it’s just past the point of ridiculous.

The tension between them still seems to grow despite Christen’s best wishes for it not to and it doesn’t start to ease until Bianca places chips and guacamole on their table before they even move to open the menus.

“You two want you’re usual?”

Alex looks at the menu then gives Bianca a dazzling smile, “I think I might switch it up a little.”

Bianca just plucks the menu from Alex's fingers and grabs the one Christen is offering up to her. “I think you said that last time.”

Alex turns back to face Christen, the smile never leaving her face. “I probably did.”

“You did.” Christen confirms and Bianca just laughs before turning around and walking away. And just like that, a sensation of comfortable ease descends upon their table, the familiar surroundings of the restaurant putting Christen in a state of calm.

“So North Carolina next Friday.” Alex prompts and they delve into game strategy, attacking points, and theories about what defensive strategy the Courage will throw at them.

Once they’re mostly through with their meal, Alex starts talking about the UNC summer league game that some of their teammates want to go to the Saturday after the game.

“I’m actually busy Saturday night.” Christen puts her fork down quietly, a vague sensation of guilt coming over her.

Alex gives her a quizzical look, “What are you doing?”

“I have a date with Sophia,” Christen's glad she's able to keep the waver of uncertainty from her voice. “She’s in Raleigh right now filming, so we set something up.”

She can’t really decipher the look on Alex’s face. There’s a little crease in between her eyebrows that disappears quickly and she doesn’t look upset that Christen didn’t tell her earlier. She just looks weirdly tolerant, which Christen should be happy about right?

Alex blinks then looks down at her unfinished tacos. “Oh, well then, no UNC for you. But maybe Sunday we can go into downtown and shop a bit, before our flight.” 

“Yeah that could be fun.”

They descend into silence again and Christen is trying to find her footing, but something is definitely shaky right now and she doesn’t know what to say.

She meant to tell Alex about the date, it’d been planned for almost a month now. But Alex had acted so off at the art exhibition when Christen had seen her at the table with their teammates and it had caused her to completely forget about the plans she had made with Sophia just a couple of minutes before. Christen had tasked herself with lifting Alex's spirits so she had shown her the two paintings that now hang in the other woman's hallway.

But now she’s here, a couple weeks later, reminded of the fact that she didn’t tell her best friend about a date with someone who all their friends have been pushing Christen to jump at the chance with.

She feels the intense need to break the silence that now is so glaringly obvious that it’s making her feel uneasy enough to want to meditate. Alex seems to be in the same position because she speaks up just as Christen is about to.

“So what are you going to wear on your date?”

Christen's slightly surprised at the question, expecting Alex to redirect the conversation because of the awkwardness the subject had suddenly brought upon them. But, again, Christen's probably just projecting so she clears her throat to answer, hoping to push the conversation along so they can get back to the comfort she craves.

Before she can get the words out, she glances over Alex's shoulder and sees Bianca walking out with the dessert, birthday candles already lit. Christen must have a somewhat alarmed look on her face because Bianca stops and gives her a questioning look.

“Should I come back?” Christen reads the words Bianca mouths and Christen gives a subtle shake of her head. It’s obviously not subtle enough because Alex narrows her eyes at Christen then moves to turn around.

“A red dress.” Christen blurts out so Alex doesn’t turn fully and ruin the surprise while it’s on it’s way to the table.

“I’m wearing that red Alexis Solomo dress I got last week.” Christen clarifies more quietly and Alex stares at her, blue eyes so clear that Christen wonders if she’s seeing through her.

Alex gives her a slight nod then opens her mouth to respond but Bianca places the dessert right in front of Alex and three other servers plus Brett, one of the bartenders, begin singing.

“Happy birthday to you,” They all belt out and Christen can’t help but join in, glad that the far away look on Alex’s face is replaced by surprise.

“Happy birthday dear Alex, Happy birthday to you!” They finish and begin clapping and the small number of people outside join in.

“Make a wish birthday girl!” Bianca says and there's a pensive look that Alex levels at Christen just before she closes her eyes. Alex opens them after a few moments and then blows out the two candles sitting within the two scoops of salted caramel ice cream.

Christen wonders what she wished for.

*/||\\*

The next day Alex’s house is a flurry of activity with Alex nowhere in sight. It reminds Christen of when she was coordinating moving all the other woman’s things in while Alex was still finishing up in Orlando.

Now, Christen isn’t directing movers with furniture and large boxes but instead she’s carrying collapsible tables and chairs outside and trying not to trip over Blue.

Alex is currently in Diamond Bar, her Mom and Jen corralling Alex to spend her birthday morning and afternoon with her niece and baby nephew. It was all a part of the plan to get Alex out of the house for the day so Christen, Jeri (who Alex believes has a work conflict and can’t make it down), and the friends that Christen has managed to wrangle into party set-up can decorate Alex’s place. It pays that Alex trusts her enough to still have all the garage and alarm codes, so it's all going off without a hitch.

The doorbell rings just as Christen is getting off the phone with the caterer and she moves easily towards the door.

When she opens it she can’t help but laugh because Sydney is standing there, sunglasses and sunhat on as if she’s hiding from someone.

“Had to be incognito CP, might be paparazzo around and they’ll ruin the whole surprise.” Sydney explains before pulling Christen into a hug and stepping into the house.

“Where’s Dom?” Christen asks when they pull apart.

“Oh he should be coming up, he’s on bag duty.”

Sure enough, Dom comes ambling up the walkway with two suitcases and a duffle bag.

“Aren’t you guys just staying for the weekend?” Christen chuckles and Dom makes a huffing sound before dropping the duffle just inside the door.

“We are, but Sydney has to have an outfit for every possible occasion.” He explains, pulling Christen into a quick hug too with an accented “good to see you”.

“Oh really? Half that suitcase there,” Sydney points to the large purple one, “Is filled with your shoes.”

“I wasn’t sure how the weather was going to be babe.” Dom says and Christen just smiles at their antics and shuts the door.

When she turns around both Dom and Sydney are looking around. 

“Oh girl, this is nice.” Sydney says when Christen stands next to her at the small step landing of the foyer that opens up into the dining and family rooms. She knows it’s Alex’s house but she _did_ help with a lot of the decorating so she feels a little proud as Sydney takes an appreciative look around. They all walk to the back of the house where most of the bedrooms are as well as the entertainment area.

“I love it, it’s so much more spacious than it looks on FaceTime.” Sydney then turns to Dom. “We’d lose Cassius probably in here babe, and be completely fine with it.”

Christen's laugh joins Dom’s and she leaves them to pick one of the remaining guest rooms, heading outside to help more with party set-up while they get situated.

Sydney joins the group outside a couple of minutes later, catching up with Jeri before moving to where Christen is setting out different colors of balloons.

“I sent Dom to go and help Lee with all the alcohol and drinks.” Sydney says when she reaches Christen. “What can I help with?”

“So most of the team is coming over soon and Jeri and Abby seem to have the light situation under control. But I still need help with the balloons.” Christen points to the three small piles in front of her.

Sydney grabs a gold balloon. “Let’s do it.”

Christen quickly shows her the balloon towers she is planning on attempting to build from Pintrest and gives a quick tap to the helium tank she rented.

Time passes once they begin blowing up the balloons and her teammates quickly filter in, helping to turn Alex’s bricked backyard into a party space.

They are just starting on the third black and gold balloon pillar when Sydney takes a look around. The sun is starting to get lower and it’ll be a little under two hours before Alex arrives back home.

“This looks great CP. She’s going to love it.” Syd compliments, tying together another trio of gold balloons then moving to tie them to the black balloons Christen just finished. “She’ll be pissed at first that she didn’t catch on quick enough to realize, but she’s going to love it.”

“I hope so,” Christen replies then gives Sydney an appreciative smile. “Thank you for coming out for the surprise.”

“Don’t get me wrong I love my children, but every time I can pawn them off to my parents I don’t hesitate. So really no need to thank me.” Sydney laughs then smiles softly at Christen.

“In all seriousness though, I was really worried about Lex moving out here alone during her divorce.”

Christen can only nod because she remembers the texts Sydney had sent her periodically during those first couple of weeks after Alex officially moved to LA.

“But she wasn’t alone. She had you in her corner the whole time and you even got her to start hanging out with her Mom again for longer than an hour.”

They both laugh at that, Sydney probably at the thought of it and Christen with the memories of recent Sunday brunches in Brea with Pam, Jen, and Alex. It had been an easy thing for Christen, pushing Alex to cherish the time spent with her mother. Christen wasn’t sure if the reason Alex didn’t push back was because she could see the longing in Christen’s eyes for her own mother’s comfort or because there really wasn’t anything like your Mom pulling you in when you were hurting.

Now here they are, almost a year since Alex moved and she has a stronger relationship with her mom than ever. She’s been back in Diamond Bar almost all day, and the periodic texts Pam is sending Christen on the status of their arrival back to Alex’s makes the whole thing better.

Sydney pulls the balloon she's blowing up off the tank and ties it off with expert fingers, “You’re a great friend, so she’s going to love it.”

“You are too Syd.”

“Ahh I do alright.” Sydney says with a wave of her hand. The motion causes her to accidentally let go of the balloon she's holding between her fingers. She reacts quickly, jumping to grab it before it floats away.

Sydney laughs at the wide eyed look on Christen's face, “My reflexes have gotten even quicker, I literally almost drop Rioux at least once a day. I think she’s getting a complex.”

Christen’s accompanied laugh floats into the air like the balloon would have.

*/||\\*

An hour and a half later the caterers have just left after setting up all the food and Lee, Dom, and some of the LAFC guys have just finished unloading two trunks full of alcohol. It’s all really perfect timing because it’s a couple of minutes before Alex is set to get back.

The younger forward had texted Christen a couple minutes ago about having to stop home to drop off the cake her Mom had made her and get ready for the dinner she thinks is happening at this waterfront restaurant in Santa Monica.

Pam had texted Christen excitedly that they were on the way, her and Alex’s Dad, Mike, following behind Alex on the road back to LA, insisting on attending the "dinner". The whole thing wasn’t very elaborate, which made it so good, because it really seems like Alex doesn’t suspect a thing.

The backyard is pretty full at this point, and the decorations look amazing. The balloon pillars her and Sydney finished look nice against the white and gold backdrop that their friends are already taking photos up against. The lights Jeri had worked to attach to the “Happy Birthday Alex” banner added a great touch and everything is mostly set up. Plus, Christen and Franny had made sure to keep the inside of the house as clean as possible so Alex won't notice anything when she first walks in.

And Christen's banking on Pam convincing Alex to go into the backyard before she hit the kitchen, which is full of different desserts.

**Pam Morgan (6:04 pm):** _Turning onto Rose._

_The GPS says 5 minutes._

Christen quickly passes the news around to all their friends and soon the backyard descends into darkness and everyone quiets. Christen quickly puts Blue back inside, and she’s so glad when, instead of barking in question, he just sits down at the door.

There are still moments of whispered conversation, but once the headlights of the two cars, indicating Alex’s arrival onto the small back alley street, breathe light upon them everyone quiets down.

Christen can hear the garage open and the rumble of the two engines before they shut off. She then can faintly hear Pam and Alex talking, car doors shut and the sound of the garage closing. The alarm beeps and Christen pats herself on the back for remembering to turn it on as if no one was there.

Any second now.

Christen holds her breath as she sees Pam walk in front of the side patio door.

It opens slightly and Alex’s voice breaks into the air, “Mom, why do you want to –“

Jeri turns the lights back on and the fifty people in the backyard erupt.

“SURPISE!”

Alex’s eyes turn into saucers once she looks around and then everyone is cheering and she’s laughing and Christen breathes a sigh a relief because…success.

Everyone is excitedly going up to Alex, surrounding her and showering her with birthday wishes and tight hugs, so Pam Morgan is the first one to get to Christen.

The older woman engulfs her in a warm hug and when she pulls back, the smile on Pam's face is bright, “She had no idea.”

Christen laughs and then Alex is there, coming up to stand beside her mother.

“You did this?” Alex asks Christen almost breathlessly.

“It was mostly your Mom.”

Pam wraps an arm around Christen’s back, “Oh she’s being modest, of course she planned everything honey.”

Alex runs a hand through her hair and smiles at Christen like she can’t quite believe it.

“Thank you.”

“Of course,” Christen can’t help but grab Alex’s hand and squeeze it. “Happy Birthday Al.”

The eye contact fills Christen up with satisfaction. Last night had left Christen feeling confused, but today she just feels as if she’s pulled off a perfectly laid plan on her best friend. Feelings be damned.

“Oh you two are the sweetest,” Pam says giving Christen a small push in the back towards Alex. “Now get over there.”

Christen takes a small step so she’s standing right next to Alex and watches as Pam turns and looks around for a moment.

“Sydney!” She calls out, and the woman in question looks over. “Get over here. I’m taking a picture.”

Once Sydney walks up Pam makes a motion with her hand. “Okay, okay, get together girls.” Alex’s hand untangles from Christen’s to slip her arm securely around Christen’s waist. Christen does the same and she’s already smiling when Pam murmurs, “Smile.”

It's a minute of soundless clicking and held smiles before Pam deems them done. 

“Send me those Mom.” Alex says and then Christen’s being called into the kitchen. She pretends not to notice that Alex’s hand dropped from her waist almost at the last possible second, when she was too far out of reach.

The night continues on and about an hour later Christen finds herself in a small circle of her teammates. They’re all talking about the ESPY’s last weekend, most of the team coming to the after party that was at The W, and it pulls Christen back into the craziness of it all.

The national team had sat second and third row and when they were called up for the “Best Team” award it wasn’t exactly a surprise. Pinoe had given a resounding speech, one that had everyone on their feet by the end of it and Christen had been riding a high. It was a high nothing could bring her down from, not even the fact that she had lost the “Best Female Athlete” award – to Serena btw – or the fact that she had forgotten her flats for the after party in one of the black SUVs that had brought them over.

But she didn’t care, the team had won, to her, one of the most important awards of the night, because it showed their impact on not only the football and sports worlds, but also female empowerment in general. She didn't care that she didn't win, the fact that she was even nominated to begin with was enough. And to top it all off, Christen and Alex also successfully managed to get all their LAFC teammates into the exclusive afterparty - her twenty-one year old self would be proud. 

So, Christen had been buzzing with happiness and also a keen sense of awareness all night. It was that awareness that had her realizing just how many eyes were trained on them – well mostly Alex. She saw athletes, actors, actresses, other industry people hoping to catch her best friend’s eye or maybe work up the nerve to introduce themselves while she was surrounded by a large group of women.

It might have been what Alex was wearing, a tight light blue faux leather Alexander Wang dress that accentuated Alex’s toned figure. Or maybe it was the way her dark hair was styled, bangs tied away from her face as the rest of her hair tumbled down in soft curls. But Christen really knew that it wasn’t just how Alex looked, it was the air of confidence mixed with borderline disinterest that Alex kind of always had in situations like this.

So as they all laughed, drank, and talked for most of the night, Christen had grasped something important. It came when Jill pointed out that some actor, Christen didn’t know his name but he was supposedly just in the new Marvel movie, was looking like he was ready to make a move on Alex.

Christen watched Alex turn, give the good-looking man a once over, and then turn back with a shrug of her shoulders and a sip of her champagne.

The motion had cut a stark realization for Christen just how easily Alex could probably have any of the men or women whose eye she caught that night. But Alex didn’t seem the least bit interested, exchanging only pleasantries if someone did approach her before moving on and engaging in conversation with only their teammates for most of the night.

Christen knew though that if Alex wanted to she would have made her interests known, because Christen’s aware that her friend goes after the things she wants. So it had been another pill to swallow, something again to appease the weight in her chest and stomach because Christen, just like those others, wasn’t one of those things Alex went after.

So when Mal started to pull Christen away to go talk to Russell Wilson and Ciara, she let herself go.

Despite her realization that night, it’s still a mess of confusion in her head about her and Alex’s dynamic these days. But tonight has been kind of perfect, and if anything, Christen’s just happy for the strong bonds of friendship that are evident.

There’s a hand on Christen’s shoulder, pulling her away from the conversation. She turns and Jeri is there with a drink in hand and smile on her face that reminds of her of Alex.

“Hey, have you seen my sister? It’s time to cut all the cakes.”

Christen takes a quick look around and doesn’t see Alex at all. “I haven’t. But I’ll help you look?”

Jeri nods and they split up, the older Morgan continuing to look out in the backyard and in the front of the house while Christen moves towards the back. She finds most of the guys in the entertainment area, the two story back space housing Alex’s ridiculous seventy inch television, that she never watches, and enough couches and chairs that all the guys are sitting comfortably and watching a Premiere League rerun.

But Alex is nowhere in sight.

She announces that they all need to get up, go outside for the cake, candles, and drunk renditions of happy birthday. They all grumble like children but she manages to get Dom, Lee, and Diego to go help with carrying the cakes outside.

Once they are all up and moving Christen walks through the hallway where the bedrooms are, deciding to check in Alex’s first.

When she opens the door she doesn’t see the woman but she hears light conversation coming from the slightly open en suite. She takes a couple steps further into the room then pushes open the door, the conversation immediately halting.

Christen looks to see Sydney sitting on the lip of the large ceramic tub and Alex standing before the large mirror above the double vanity sink, make-up bag open in front of her.

The look on Alex’s face as she stares at her own reflection seems like she feels slightly caught or upset? Maybe a bit of both. It confuses Christen for a moment because she thought everything tonight had been going pretty well.

When she ventures a look at Syd, the other woman just gives her a look of practiced ease.

“Hey, it’s time for cake.” Christen breaks the silence and Alex still doesn’t look over at her but Sydney claps and stands.

“Yes, let me go get my champagne toast ready.”

She slides by Christen with a soft squeeze to her shoulder and then is out of the room.

Christen watches Alex silently as she applies some more lip gloss. The feeling of unease wafts through Christen – something is definitely off.

“Everything okay?” Christen asks gently, she doesn’t really understand what could have possibly happened in the last two hours.

Alex turns and stows her stuff away, not meeting her eyes again, “Everything’s great.”

She’s lying, that much is obvious. And Christen wants to ask but she doesn’t want to make Alex even more upset.

Christen hesitates by the door, “Okay, meet you out there then?”

Alex finally looks up and meets Christen’s eye. She looks conflicted. “Sure.”

Christen just nods and turns, taking a few steps towards the door before casting a look over her shoulder. Alex has her head bent over the counter, hands gripping the edge of the sink hard enough that Christen can see the white of her knuckles, and she looks to be taking a deep breath.

She has no idea what’s wrong, but she can tell that Alex wants to be alone. 

Christen's foot is barely passing the threshold of the door when something shifts inside of her, and again she has no idea what’s changed.

*/||\\*

The game against North Carolina was one of the most difficult of the season. They had been getting pounded on the defensive end most of the night but Abby had the game of her life and kept the Courage from scoring all game.

However, Christen’s shots had either soared out of play or were blocked by Stephanie Labbé and Alex’s weren’t much better. But during the 85th minute Christen’s tired left leg sent an in-swinging cross in off a corner and she watched all five foot nine inches of Cami’s frame leap into the air and glance the ball off her head and out of reach of Labbé’s extended form.

They won 1-0.

The team had been in high spirits after Pirlo gave them huge congratulations in both Italian and English and sent them off the bus at the hotel with words of encouragement and a push to get some rest.

Christen’s head had hit the pillow so hard that it must have knocked her out because she fell asleep immediately. It was for the best though because sleep brought a quietness to her thoughts and a calmness to her slowly growing anxieties.

Alex still slept soundlessly in the bed next to Christen’s when her eyes pulled open in the early hours of the morning.

She got up and quietly made her way onto the balcony, the sun barely rising as she made her way through two of her yoga routines. She meditated after that and came out of it feeling better, calmer, and more sure-footed.

The last week had been a bit of a whirlwind for her. Practices in preparation for yesterday’s game had been tough, she had meeting after meeting with Tobin, Megan, and Pinoe about the new collection they were planning, and she felt like she was playing mental tennis with Alex on most days.

And it’s starting to make Christen feel like she’s ruining something.

Last weekend, Alex had come out onto the patio looking refreshed and had blown out the candles on her three birthday cakes like nothing had happened. She interacted with Christen right after like their short conversation in the bathroom had been entirely normal and brushed off Christen’s “are you okay” easily. They still rode to practices together but again, the silence in the car was stifling and Christen felt that she had no idea how to break it. It felt like Alex was slowly pulling away, but Christen was caught between trying to figure out how to get the reason out of Alex and wondering if she might be the one pulling away herself.

They never had a problem discussing things before and maybe her feelings for Alex were preventing her from really pushing the other woman to tell her what was going on. They were also preventing Christen from telling Alex what had been going on with her too. She had just been too terrified to mess up their friendship but it seemed like that was already starting to happen in some ways.

But then, in most moments, it would be like nothing had changed.

Like how just a couple hours ago they had come back from lunch at Crystal’s house, conversation flowing as easy as it’s supposed to and Christen feeling like maybe she's been imagining everything else.

Christen takes a deep breath, this is why you don’t develop feelings for one your best friends. She checks the time on her phone before looking at herself in the mirror.

She looks nice, her make-up light enough to look close to natural, but the added black liner and mascara make her green eyes stand out. She chose to wear her hair curly, after straightening it this morning and it seizing up in the North Carolina humidity during the short walk around Crystal's neighborhood. Luckily, she had enough time before her date to wash it and style it so it looked good.

The red dress she’s wearing stands out against her brown skin and the small gold hoops on her ears match the multitude of gold rings she can’t seem to part with and the gold flats she decided on.

She looks good, but the nerves are beginning to creep in as the time draws closer to seven. Christen picks up her phone and taps on the Lyft app, requesting a ride before she walks out of the bathroom.

Alex looks over at the sound of the door opening, standing to full height from where she was rifling through her suitcase, and just stares.

Christen waits two beats, “So?”

Alex clears her throat, but the look she's leveling at her doesn't change. “You look amazing. You’re going to knock her out for sure Chris.”

Christen hopes the heat rising to her cheeks isn’t noticeable against the blush she applied. Her phone buzzes in her hand indicating her Lyft has arrived, but the look Alex is still giving her makes her feel bare, exposed, and stuck.

She needs to get going.

“So I’ll see you later?” She manages to ask, grabbing her purse. Alex had decided to just stay at the hotel with a couple of their other teammates who didn’t feel like going to UNC for the game.

“Yeah,” Alex responds, sitting down at the edge of her bed. Christen turns and opens the door, she hears the “have a good time” just as the door closes and then she’s left by herself in the hotel hallway. Christen moves quickly, down the elevator, through the lobby and into her waiting ride before she sends off a text to Sophia to let her know she’s on the way.

The car is just dipping over the hotel driveway when her shoulders unfurl and her bottom lip, which her top teeth have been worrying, finally is released. Fifteen minutes later the car is stopping in front of the French fusion restaurant in downtown Raleigh. Christen thanks her driver and steps out of the car and she sees Sophia standing right outside the door.

The actress looks gorgeous in a dark blue jump suit, a black blazer hanging over her shoulders, and her face breaking into a smile when she sees Christen.

“Hey,” Sophia says, smile never wavering. “You look beautiful.”

“Thank you, so do you.” Christen smiles back, some of the nerves in her stomach turning into something closer to excitement. She steps into Sophia for a hug and with the other woman in heels, their bodies come together easily.

“Ready?” Sophia asks when they pull apart, and Christen nods. Sophia steps towards the large brown door, pulling it open and letting Christen enter first. She ignores the way the hand on her lower back feels different, instead focusing on the way the restaurant looks as they enter.

The inside is stunning; white clothed tabletops, custom chandeliers and the lighting just low enough to be romantic.

The hostess leads them to one of the tables set in the back that gives a mild air of privacy.

“So,” Sophia leans forward after taking off the blazer she was wearing as more of a shawl and her tanned shoulders seem to sparkle in the low light. “Just so you know I’m kind of nervous.”

Christen’s nerves quiet altogether at the other woman’s omission, “Goodness, me too.”

“Okay, perfect, as long as we are on the same page.” Sophia laughs and the waiter comes up and asks for their drink orders.

Sophia turns to Christen and gives her a mischievous look and if the other woman hadn’t admitted she was nervous Christen wouldn’t have any idea… she guessed that came with the career – actors.

“How about we start with some wine.” Sophia says and Christen settles back into her seat, hoping that she can enjoy the evening and not let her thoughts drift to anything other than the woman in front of her.

Time passes and Christen really is enjoying herself. The conversation is flowing, they’ve talked about everything from the season, to Sophia’s guest appearance on this new law show, to re-inc ideas, and now they are just skimming the surface about their past relationships.

Their conversation is both flirtatious and polite, and Christen _knows_ , she knows that if she was somebody else she’d think this is one of the best first dates she’s ever been on. But she can’t shake the feeling that something is slightly off - like she's somewhere she shouldn't be. It’s entirely misplaced and she feels idiotic even thinking it.

But Alex keeps popping up in her head, the look on her face when she walked out of the bathroom, the look in her eyes right before Christen turned and walked out the door. It’s appearing in her mind at the most inopportune moments and she feels like she’s doing a huge disservice to the woman across from her.

Because Christen didn’t want this date to be a step in getting over her feelings for Alex. She knew it was entirely unhealthy and rude to use someone to get over someone else, and at first, she really didn’t think she was doing that. She had agreed to go out with Sophia because she wanted to. She wanted to see if they had the potential to develop something great.

And Christen could see it, like it was off over the horizon but she had to cross a vast valley to get there first – one that could cause Christen to get caught up in someone else entirely.

It’s maddening really, sitting in front of this incredible woman and knowing she wanted someone else.

“Hey,” Sophia’s soft rasp brings Christen’s eyes to hers. “You okay there? I think I lost you for a while.”

“I’m sorry,” Christen sits up straight. “What were you saying?”

“Nothing too important,” Sophia chuckles slightly and moves to pour them both more wine. They had just ordered the whole bottle after two glasses.

Sophia takes her glass and sits back and gives Christen a soft smile. “Tell me what you were thinking about?”

The question is posed in way that lacks accusation and is more curious than anything else. Christen mulls over it for only a second before deciding that Sophia deserves her honesty.

“I’m a bit confused.” Christen says and internally sighs, because here she said honesty and the first words out of her mouth are a lie.

“About what?” Sophia asks, twirling the red liquid in her glass slowly. 

“I’m sorry, that wasn’t the truth.” Christen takes a soft breath in and releases it. “The truth is, I’m having a difficult time here because I can’t stop thinking about someone else.”

Sophia’s eyes widen and she puts her glass down. “Wow, now that’s what I call an answer.”

Christen can’t help the laugh that comes out and it calms the feeling of guilt that she didn’t even know was there. The sip of wine she takes helps with some of her anxiousness.

“I’m sorry.” She murmurs after swallowing and Sophia looks slightly sad. But she surprises Christen by reaching across the table and taking her hand.

“Hey don’t be sorry. I missed my chance, but whoever they are, they’re really lucky.”

Christen sighs because why can’t she just want this? Why can’t this just be enough to squash something that hasn’t even started to form? Sophia is her friend, someone who has the same values as her, some of the same passions, someone who supports all her endeavors both with her career and her business. On paper, she checks all her boxes.

A thought suddenly appears in Christen’s head and the nerves double down.

“You’ll still come to all our events right?” Christen asks, trying to not show how nervous she is at the thought of Sophia no longer being a part of everything they’ve been doing with re-inc just because nothing may come from this date.

Sophia chuckles and gives Christen a wink, “Just because I tried to bag the CEO and failed doesn’t mean suddenly I don’t care,” She pauses and raises a playful eyebrow at Christen. “Unless I’m uninvited?”

Christen shakes her head, “Of course not.”

“Well then, I’m there.” Sophia releases Christen’s hand then sits back, waits a moment before asking, “So is it Tobin?”

Christen’s eyes widen at the question, “No it’s not Tobin. It’s –“ She pauses, because she’s not ready to say it out loud. Once it’s out in the universe she can’t take it back. And really, it'd be so much easier if it was Tobin. “It’s someone else and it’s kind of complicated.”

“They aren’t married are they?”

“Oh goodness, no.” Christen denies and Sophia looks satisfied. The "not anymore" is left unsaid. 

“Okay good, I know what it feels like to be cheated on. It sucks.”

Christen shakes her head, “It’s nothing like that, it’s just I haven’t really let myself want it. I haven’t really let myself even consider the possibility of it being real.”

Sophia looks thoughtful, “Where’s the fun in that?”

She shrugs because Sophia’s right. It hasn’t been fun at all. It’s been confusing and slightly draining and this push and pull within herself for the last couple of months has been something she was unprepared for.

“You want to tell me about them?” Sophia asks softly after a couple of silent seconds.

Christen sighs and shakes her head, “Not really.”

The other woman just nods and then empties the wine bottle into Christen’s glass, “Did I ever tell you the story about how I got lost in the London underground?”

The change in topic helps calm Christen’s conflicted thoughts and an hour later their date ends with Christen insisting on paying the bill and Sophia placing a soft kiss on her cheek before walking away with a promise of seeing her next month at the next re-set the table event.

Christen watches her go and then turns to get into the car she called that just pulled up. She feels suddenly energized like she should just go back to the hotel now and tell Alex everything.

But as they get closer and closer she starts to second-guess that decision, her nerves flaying and the weight in her stomach crawling up and weighing her chest down.

Her phone buzzes in her purse and she pulls it out, quickly reading the message across the screen. She reads it again then leans forward to make eye contact with the driver in the rearview mirror.

“Hey can I still change the destination?”

He nods, "Sure." 

Christen quickly types the new address in and ten minutes later she's pushing the door open to the place that Crystal had sent her. She’s far too overdressed, but she really doesn’t care all that much when she spots Crystal at the bar. She doesn’t see Pierre, Abby Erceg or Kristen Hamilton, all the people Crystal texted were here with her, but she moves towards her friend regardless.

“Pressy!” Crystal calls out when she spots Christen and makes room at the bar top for her before pulling her into a warm hug. “Hey boo, you look hot! How was the date?”

Christen doesn’t answer, instead picking up one of the shot glasses the bartender had just placed in front of Crystal and downing it.

Crystal looks mildly impressed, then her face morphs into one of concern when Christen reaches for another shot, “Girl, woah, slow down what happened?”

Christen pulls her hand back then coughs slightly, the alcohol from the first one still burning down her throat.

She feels conflicted, that’s what happened. One minute she’s feeling foolish about literally turning an amazing evening into one she hopes Sophia will forgive her for. Then she’s feeling determined to finally get everything off her chest to her freaking best friend. And now she’s here, feeling like she needs to just forget any of it ever happened.

It has all completely messed with her head. She needs to meditate, but that would require her to go back to the hotel...where Alex is. So it looks like she'll take a page out of Kelley's book and let alcohol calm her raging thoughts. 

“Nothing happened.” Christen lies and Crystal turns fully towards her.

“Pressy, really what’s wrong? You look sad.”

“I don’t know," Christen sighs and feels her shoulders slump, “I’m really confused.”

Crystal waves the bartender down again, “No more shots for you, but you do look like you need a drink.”

She definitely needs another drink and hopefully it’s mixed with a whole lot of courage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter right here! I decided to post today instead of the weekend because I'm excited that CP and Tobin are in England! It will be fun to watch them play again and CP24...didn't even know I needed it! 
> 
> I hope everyone is staying safe!
> 
> Also sorry for the wait for this one but still let me know what you think.


	18. July 2021 - II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Live in the moment with me,  
> 
> 
> live in the space between."  
> 
> 
> \- Majid Jordan, _The Space Between_

_The end of July_

“I can’t believe you talked me into this,” she says, eyes scanning the sparseness of the beach as the sun is just beginning to peak over the horizon.

Christen throws a look over her shoulder, “It’ll be relaxing Alex, stop complaining.”

“My bed was relaxing too.” Alex grumbles back and Christen just laughs. It’s annoys Alex that she looks so refreshed and the sun isn’t even in the sky yet.

It’s 5:45 a.m. and the sleep in Alex’s eyes hasn’t cleared but Christen’s leading her towards where a couple of other people have laid out their mats and the yoga instructor, a tall, lithe looking middle-aged woman is fiddling with a portable speaker.

Christen spreads out her own yoga mat then sits down, motioning for Alex to do the same. Alex rubs at her eyes, trying not to get sand in them once she’s sitting down and then soft instrumental music is filling the air around their small group.

Alex knew she should have said no last night to Christen’s suggestion of yoga at the beach. It had become a part of Christen’s routine on Sundays and Alex didn’t want to go home, the conversation between them had went well into the early hours of the morning as they sat on Christen's balcony and watched waves crash against the sand in the distance. Plus Christen looked so excited at the thought of Alex going with her and now she’s here, tired as hell, with Christen wide awake and smiling next to her.

But the calmness of the weekend had been a nice change after July had them traveling for almost every game. Luckily, the coming week was their bye week so suitcases have already been unpacked and Alex can get the chance to finally relax.

However, when she initially thought about relaxing her bed was involved. But she'll admit, when the instructor starts the session and Alex watches Christen move seamlessly through the routine, sun beginning to rise behind the ocean, she isn’t exactly upset about the view.

It's wild because things between them seem to dip and skyrocket like a rollercoaster sometimes, depending on the day. It does Alex’s head in most nights.

After her birthday party and since their game against North Carolina Alex has felt so conflicted because she has never been in a predicament where she feels like she was battling two parts of herself.

When Alex had walked out into her backyard, lights turning on and surprise party revealed, she had been overwhelmed. It had been amazing and all her friends and family being there had made it one of her favorite birthdays to date.

But then she had gotten in her head, talk with her teammates about the upcoming game against North Carolina had brought back thoughts of Christen’s date with Sophia.

She’d gotten pissed with herself for getting upset about it in the first place and she had went to her room to take a break from it all. Sydney had followed and Alex had just kind of unloaded while retouching her make-up and she tried not to feel like an asshole for hoping the date her best friend was going on would be bad.

Then Christen had come looking for her and Alex had been a mess of emotions. She didn’t know what to say and she knew Christen had been confused about her change in mood. But it had been a hard couple of weeks for Alex, trying to rein in the feelings that had her itching to run for the hills.

Days later, Christen had walked out of the bathroom looking so beautiful it had stolen her breath and Alex's first instinct was to take her up in her arms and tell her just that. But then it was as if a cold bucket of water had been dumped on her head, because Christen wore that red dress for a date with someone else.

She had watched Christen walk out of their hotel room that night and after Alex couldn’t sit still. Her thoughts were consumed by images and questions about what was going on at Christen’s dinner with Sophia: Were they having good conversation? Was the setting intimate? Were they flirting? Was Christen enjoying herself? Did she want to go on another date? Could she see a future with Sophia? Did she think about Alex, even once?

Questions flew threw her head so fast that Alex couldn’t take the uncertainty. She had been close to following after Christen and convincing her to come back to the hotel. But she couldn't do that - it was too selfish. So instead she quickly changed into workout clothes, declined the invitations to go out by her teammates, and went to the hotel gym.

It was thankfully empty; eight o’clock on a Saturday night was only prime time for people hoping to run themselves into a blank state of mind on a treadmill.

And that’s exactly what Alex did.

She ran, upped the incline and speed, then ran and ran and ran until she had to hit the emergency stop button because her legs were burning so much they felt like they were going to explode.

It was effective because the soreness in her legs and fatigue in her body held all her attention. Through her walk back to her room, through her shower, all the way until she pulled the covers back on her bed and slipped in, her thoughts never strayed from the soreness in her limbs. So when Alex closed her eyes, she didn’t even think about how Christen’s bed was still empty.

The following morning Alex had woken up feeling a lot better and when she looked over Christen was curled into herself fast asleep.

She was there and at the time, that had been all that mattered. And when Christen woke up, hung over from a spontaneous evening with Crystal, Alex already had enough time to mentally prepare herself to hear about Christen’s date.

By the time she did finally ask, Christen had basically recovered and they had been browsing the different bath bombs at LUSH, shopping bags held in the crook of their elbows.

To say Alex had been surprised when Christen had told her that the date was the love child between amazing and disaster would be an understatement.

Even more surprising was that Christen had said she didn’t feel like Sophia was right for her at the moment. It didn’t really make much sense to Alex and she hadn’t gotten the chance to ask why because when they walked out of LUSH fans surrounded them. Time was spent signing autographs and taking pictures and by the end they had to rush out of the mall and back to the hotel so they wouldn’t miss the bus to the airport.

But since then Alex didn’t feel as tense or out of control. She didn’t get that all-consuming feeling of jealousy. She still feels like she might explode sometimes, but not because of misplaced emotions, no – it’s kind of worse now.

Now she thinks about doing things she only used to think about when she was alone in her room and wondering when she became such a coward. 

Alex watches Christen move up from downward dog and into one of the warrior positions. She’s not even really listening to the instructor at this point, just copying Christen’s moves and trying to relax.

It’s working, but then Christen looks over at Alex, moving easily into the tree position with a smile on her face like she knows Alex’s eyes haven’t strayed from her since they started. It causes Alex to lose her footing for a second, the green of Christen’s eyes making her dizzy, but luckily she doesn’t fall.

Christen’s silent laugh kind of makes it worth it.

Alex sighs with the thought because the feelings she has for Christen are starting to make her soft.

It seems to be a running theme lately, but damn, she really needs to get her shit together.

*/||\\*

Alex’s first mistake was thinking it was a good idea to start this journey of getting her shit _all the way_ together by pregaming with Kelley.

The defender had shown up at Alex’s house two hours before, with a shout about Christen, Luke, Abby, and Jaime still getting ready as she sped past Alex through the front door and into Alex’s kitchen, the sound of cabinets opening and closing until Kelley found what she was looking for.

When Alex had finally caught up, Kelley had slammed two shot glass down on Alex’s countertop with a resounding thud. Then she pulled a handle of Jose Cuervo from her bag, poured two shots and they were off.

They had taken the glasses and tequila to Alex’s bathroom so she could finish getting ready and now they were back in the kitchen, music wafting through the speakers while they waited for the rest of their friends to show up so the two woman drinking club could turn into an actual pregame.

She’s lost count of how many shots Kelley has taken, but Alex is at number four as Kelley lifts her glass at her in a silent salute.

“Now that’s how you do it Janice.” Kelley says after downing it, motioning for Alex to take hers.

Alex just rolls her eyes, picking the shot up and throwing it back. The tequila burns all the way down and into her stomach and Alex tries to appease the sensation with a lime but it barely does anything.

It’s probably because it isn’t the tequila that’s causing her blood to boil. She’s still pissed off about their draw against Houston two days ago.

Although it wasn’t a loss, it felt a lot like one.

Alex had been off; she felt it on her first touch. She couldn’t keep the ball under control, couldn’t connect her passes, and her shots were nowhere close to the net. Alex didn’t know what it was and Christen tried to calm her down at half-time but the other woman’s presence had made Alex even more restless.

It was crazy because Christen was one of the only people who just by being around her could make Alex feel better. But lately, she’s been in a bit of a paradox. Needing peace and wanting to reach out to Christen but pulling back because she’s not fully under control of how she’s been feeling. It’s an inner battle she’s obviously losing.

So when she got subbed off in the fifty-fifth minute and Pirlo gave her head a light tap and told her to “go rest”, she simmered in her own self-deprecating water for the next forty minutes. Luckily, Christen had been able to get a goal that leveled the score in the seventieth minute so the team wouldn’t now dock two losses for the season.

But she’s still pissed because she can’t seem to shake the restlessness within her. The alcohol is certainly helping but unlike Kelley, she can’t get completely wasted at their little pregame. She needed to actually be coherent when they get to the REVOLVE party.

So Alex decides to make a mixed drink instead of trying to go shot for shot with Miss Steal Liver.

After she’s done adding pineapple juice to her tequila, Alex pauses to take a long look at her friend. She looks normal enough, but even by Kelley’s standards she’s going a bit hard and Alex wonders why.

“What’s up Worms?” Alex asks, resting her hip against the lip of the island.

Kelley looks up from where she’s staring down at her phone, “Huh?”

“What’s going on with you?” Alex asks again. “You’re for sure past your shot limit and this isn’t even the party Kell.”

Kelley puts her phone down and crosses her arms, “Jeez Janice, if I wanted the third degree I would have just stayed at Christen’s.”

Alex rolls her eyes at Kelley’s attempt to avoid the question. They’ve known each other way too long for Kelley to even think that would work.

“Seriously, Kelley. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is really wrong, just a lot of stuff going on.” Kelley shrugs, finger circling the rim of the empty shot glass.

Alex doesn’t say anything, just arching an eyebrow at her friend.

Kelley sighs, “I asked the Royals front office for a transfer.”

Alex’s eyes widen in surprise, not expecting that at all. The season is only just about halfway done, and Kelley’s contract isn’t up for another year and a half.

“To the Spirit?”

“No, to Seattle,” Kelley says sarcastically before pausing and giving Alex a nod, “Yeah, to Washington.”

Alex is a bit confused at the conflicted look on Kelley’s face. “That’s great right? Liz must be excited.”

“She doesn’t know.”

“Oh.” Alex says and Kelley sighs.

“I want to tell her, but if they don’t allow me to break the contract or accept Washington’s buy offer then it’s pointless. I don’t want her to get her hopes up.”

“It’ll work out Worms.”

“You sound like Christen.”

Alex shrugs and takes a small sip from her cup, “She’s usually right.”

“She is – it’s annoying.” Kelley says with a small smile and Alex laughs in agreement.

Kelley pours another shot and Alex is about to protest when Kelley beats her to the punch.

“I’ll wait until everyone else gets here to take it.” She says then taps at her stomach. “Although, I have the liver of a twenty year old Janice. You know this.”

Kelley doesn't have to wait long because a couple minutes later the alarm beeps and Alex can hear everyone’s voices as they walk down the hallway from the garage. Jaime swoops her up in a hug when he rounds the corner and comes into the kitchen.

“Patty, my darling. It’s been years.”

“It’s been five hours max Jay.” Alex counters but still accepts his tight hug.

When he finally puts her down Kelley has already wrangled Abby and Luke into taking shots to catch up with her.

“Don’t think I forgot about you, James," Kelley points a steadfast finger at Jaime. "Come on over.”

“Oh, I didn’t doubt it for a second O’Hara.” Jaime laughs, moving to join her on the other side of the kitchen island. 

A soft hand on Alex’s shoulder takes her focus away from the four of them.

“What are you drinking?” Christen whispers it close to Alex’s ear and Alex is sure she’s able to catch the shiver working it’s way up her spine before Christen can catch wind of it.

Alex turns and Christen’s eyes are so bright and they’re so close that Alex wouldn’t have to do much to feel Christen’s lips on hers. The thought causes Alex to blink in recognition and she takes a small step back, clearing her throat.

“Tequila and pineapple juice. Do you want one?”

Christen drops her hand from Alex’s shoulder, but the skin still burns as Christen gives her a small smile, “Sure.”

Alex busies herself with making the drink, trying to ease the tension that’s slowly creeping into her muscles. When she’s finished she hands the cup to Christen.

“Thanks.”

Alex nods and can’t help when her eyes drop to Christen’s outfit. She’s wearing a black crop top, high wasted jean shorts, and black strappy sandals. It’s casual, perfect for a summer party in Malibu, and Christen’s got her hair in soft waves to set the whole look off. She looks hot – Alex can’t help that fact.

“You look nice.”

Christen takes a sip from her glass, eyes leveled at Alex over the rim. It’s an excruciatingly long sip and it burns Alex up inside.

“So do you.” Christen says when she’s finished.

Alex looks down at her own outfit, black shorts and a white bodysuit. She knows she looks good, the white standing out against her tanned skin and the half bun she’s got on the top of her head a look she knows fits her face well.

Still, the way Christen says it does something to her ego. Alex takes a sip from her own cup, attempting to find a topic that's safer to stand on. 

“What took you guys so long?”

“I had to do my hair and Jaime takes like hour long showers.”

“Well Kelley’s already at least six shots deep, so looks like you have a lot to catch up on.”

A look of concern passes across Christen’s face, “I figured that’s why she came over here earlier.”

Alex just nods and by Christen’s look, she knows Kelley must have told Christen about the transfer request too. She also can tell that it’s a topic they won’t be getting into right now.

“How much have you had to drink?”

“Not that much," Alex shrugs, "I feel completely normal.”

It’s only a little lie; she feels a shot away from tipsy, but it's fine.

Christen’s eyes still narrow as she takes a small step forward so she can take a better look into Alex’s eyes.

“I don’t want to have to be holding you up for the promo shoot when we get there.”

Alex brings a hand to her chest, “Aww you’d do that for me?”

Christen scoffs and Alex can’t help that the smile on her face grows bigger, “I promise I won’t make you do that.”

Alex realizes she’s speaking quietly and they’ve gotten even closer. Close enough that she can see the small bits of gold in Christen’s green eyes, and she feels like she might topple over from the weight of it all.

Maybe the tequila is hitting her harder than she initially thought.

She searches Christen’s face for something, anything that might tip her off that they're treading on something dangerous, but Christen’s just got a curious look on her face and a soft smile that makes Alex want to reach out for her.

It's definitely the tequila that makes Alex's eyes drop down to Christen's lips again. 

“CP, Janice, come on! We are playing a quick round of pyramid before we go.”

Kelley's shout breaks the moment and Alex quickly turns her head to see that the kitchen is empty. When did that happen?

When she turns back Christen’s making her way around the kitchen island to head into the dining area where everyone is standing around Alex's dining table.

“You good?” Kelley asks Alex when they join them.

Alex takes a breath, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

Kelley doesn’t look convinced but Alex ignores the look, drinking the last bit from her cup instead of engaging anymore with Kelley.

Christen’s laughing at something Luke and Abby are saying and Alex’s head is starting to spin. She looks entirely unaffected and fuck, as for Alex, operation get shit together is flying right out the window.

“Let’s do this guys.” Alex says, trying to gain a semblance of control.

It works for a little while, all through the drinking game and up until they pile into the awaiting dark SUV. But then Christen’s bare leg is basically glued to Alex’s throughout the ride and the heat coming off both of their bodies, as the car speeds up to Malibu, is enough to set Alex on fire again.

She's thankful when they pull up to the party, but her skin still tingles as her and Christen do their promotional shots with the REVOLVE backdrop and she chats to a couple of company people.

Once Alex is finally free to enjoy the party, she joins her friends who are waiting by the front door, feeling a little bit better.

They wander through the house for a bit and it gets kind of crazy once they hit the main room. Alex, Kelley, and Abby head straight for the kitchen and, unbeknownst to Alex, Jaime pulls Christen and Luke in the opposite direction.

When she's reaches the kitchen and looks back the three of them are gone. Alex starts to get a little worried because Christen still kind of hated parties like this one. The large house parties that REVOLVE throw not really for anything other than to get a lot of people in the industry in one place. It usually worked, hence why they’re here, but these type of parties for Christen were a bit claustrophobic. The number of people she didn’t know greatly outweighed the ones she did, so they usually stuck close together because Alex didn’t care much for these parties either.

But Alex couldn’t see Christen anywhere. Or Jaime and Luke for that matter. So she just had to trust that the three of them were good.

“Janice come on,” Kelley waves a bottle of gold Jose Cuervo at her. Where the hell did she find that?

“It’s basically tequila Tuesday.”

Alex gives Kelley a dry look. “It’s Saturday.”

“That’s why I said basically.” Kelley says and then her and Abby start looking around, Alex assumes for shot glasses.

The song playing from the built in speakers changes and Alex’s eyes move over the large group of people inside then through the glass floor to ceiling windows and out by the pool.

She sees Luke first, his black shirt standing out against the brightly colored outfits of the people around him. She spots Jaime next, his hands are waving and there’s no doubt in Alex’s mind that whatever story he’s telling is probably a good one.

Then Alex’s eyes find Christen easily; she’s looking at Jaime with a smile on her face and a plastic wine glass in her hand – forever the classy one. She’s about to make a move to walk out there and join them when she sees Christen’s head turn and a familiar blonde take her attention.

It’s then that Alex realizes that the audience for Jaime’s arm waving story isn’t just Luke and Christen, but a circle of women that Alex recognizes as Victoria’s Secret models. She sees Martha, and Georgia, and Lais, and she sees Christen laughing at whatever Keke is whispering to her.

And honestly, what the hell? Could she catch a break?

Jealously and something else itch up her spine and she hates the fact that she can’t even stop it.

Alex turns back around and Kelley is still shaking the bottle of Jose Cuervo at her, three clear plastic shot glasses in front of them.

“Fuck it.” Alex says, swiping the bottle from Kelley’s hand, ignoring the shot glasses to just pour straight into her cup.

She’s eyeballing it…it’s fine.

Kelley and Abby both give enthusiastic cheers and then it’s kind of all downhill for Alex after that.

*/||\\*

Alex is drunk, not white girl wasted like she’s twenty-one and mixing alcohol all night, but drunk enough off tequila that she’s thinking some really dangerous thoughts right now.

But she can’t exactly help it. Christen’s throwing her looks from across the pool, long eye catching looks that are making Alex’s blood boil in a crazy rush.

It’s making her more aware that for a while they’ve been balancing a thin line between friends and something else, a multitude of barriers that they both have erected standing between them. A while is a long time for Alex to keep up this balancing act, somewhere close to seven months of growing feelings and harsh bouts of jealously that shouldn’t even make its way into a friendship.

But it has.

It has and Alex is thankful for that man Jose, because right now she’s able to ignore the boatload of reasons why the scenarios playing out in her head are a bad idea.

She wants Christen. That much she knows and she can admit it. And right now she’s not second-guessing shit. She wants to be the one making her laugh and smile, the one ensuring she’s having a good time at this stupid party.

And while Christen _does_ look like she’s having fun, she’s still throwing a look over at Alex every couple of minutes and despite the other women surrounding her, it seems Alex has most of her attention.

Alex has no idea where Luke and Jaime are or Kelley and Abby for that matter. She’s just fine enjoying the warmth still in the night air, sitting on one of the outdoor sofas and ignoring the conversations going on around her.

She still has half a cup left and she’s tempted to go back inside but then as she’s raising the cup to her lips Christen glances over again.

Keke’s arm is thrown over her shoulder but green eyes pierce through Alex and Christen’s eyebrows rise like a challenge.

All right, fuck it.

Alex downs her drink, resolve now fully shattered, and is up and moving. Christen’s eyes stay on her all the way until she makes it to the small group on the other side of the pool.

“Hey, I’ve been looking for you.” Alex rasps out, the words coming easily enough because she knows Christen knows it’s a lie.

The tension ripples between them and it must burn in the air enough because Keke's arm drops from around Christen's shoulders. Alex smiles at the other women in greeting, nodding towards the house. 

“Let’s dance ladies.”

The other girls cheer and start to walk towards the door, but Christen stays standing in the same spot. Alex holds out her hand, “Come on, time to show me what you’ve got Press.”

Christen chuckles and takes her hand, “How much have you had to drink?”

“Enough.” Is all Alex replies with as she walks back inside.

Christen pulls Alex to a halt, finishing off whatever was in her wine glass before throwing it away in one of the large trash bags by the door.

When Christen squeezes her hand Alex continues on towards one of the sitting rooms that has been made into the designated dance floor. All the furniture is pushed up against the back wall and the DJ is in the corner, The Weeknd blasting from the large speakers.

The girls surround them once they get far enough into the room. There's a strobe light flashing and it's just dim enough in the room that it resembles a club.

She turns and sees Christen looking around. The face she’s making is one Alex is used to seeing. It’s the one Christen would make when she’s trying to figure out if she’s uncomfortable because of the people or because she has to dance in front of said people.

Alex won't stand for it. She takes Christen’s hand again and leans over.

“Relax, yeah? Just dance.”

Christen nods and Alex let’s the music wash over her, the alcohol in her veins easing her limbs and letting her move freely. She looks over and Christen’s still just bobbing her head.

“Come on Chris, move for me.” Alex half yells, grabbing Christen’s sides and attempting to move her hips to the beat.

Christen rolls her eyes at Alex but starts to move and she’s so fucking cute it makes Alex’s heart rate pick up speed. The energy of the room grows and Alex lets it move through her, dancing with her arms up and eyes closed.

The music changes to another pulsing remix and Alex opens her eyes. Most of the girls are dancing, arms wrapping around each other as they sing the lyrics. Christen's got her arms up, smile bright on her face and body moving without care.

The visual propels Alex forward slightly, the want from earlier coming back full force. Alex’s eyes fall onto Keke, who’s standing in front of Christen, looking at her like she hung the fucking sun. But Alex doesn’t care about who’s around and she doesn’t care if what she’s about to do might mess everything up.

So when she reaches out, hands landing softly on Christen’s waist, it's because she wants to.

Christen tenses slightly at the contact.

“It’s just me.” Alex says to Christen beside her ear and the green-eyed woman immediately relaxes and starts moving again. Alex knows she’s playing with fire, she can feel it scorching up her back as it pushes her closer to Christen. But she doesn't pull away and when Christen looks back and they lock eyes, the air around them sparks just like it has been for the past couple of weeks.

And with that look, Alex can’t help but get closer, she needs to be.

Soon Christen’s back is flush against Alex’s front and they start to move together. They’ve never danced like this before, it’s dark and hot, and people move all around them but Alex still feels the scorching fire like it's just the two of them.

Alex can't stop herself. She leans forward, face in Christen’s hair, smelling the Coconut and Vanilla shampoo Christen always uses. It reminds Alex of nights they spend on her couch, close enough but sometimes never touching. It had been the worse kind of desire for Alex, wanting someone for so long that she knew she couldn't have. 

But now there's no space between them, they've eliminated that unsaid rule, because this thing happening between them seemed like a bullet train that was never going to end.

The song changes to something faster but they stay locked together, and Alex moves her hands higher, under Christen’s shirt and onto smooth warm skin. She tries not to squeeze but Christen’s hips are moving sensually against Alex’s own and she’s getting turned on. Christen looks back at her again and Alex is close to leaning forward right then, closing the distance between them and throwing caution to the wind.

But in front of everyone?

In the middle of the sitting room turned dance floor?

No, Alex couldn’t do that. It would cause a storm and, although Alex just wants to be closer, she knows she can’t do that here.

Alex squeezes at Christen’s sides again making sure her lips touch the outer shell of Christen’s ear as she speaks, “Gotta go to the bathroom.”

The way Christen shivers in arms has Alex's hands spreading across Christen's stomach and then Christen is turning in her arms. Alex's eyes drop to her lips again with how close they are and she feels the urge to kiss Christen so vividly that her eyes start to droop. 

But then someone bumps Alex in the back and she shakes her head, clearing it, before taking Christen’s hand and leading her through everyone.

She ignores the questions from the girls behind them and then they’re out of the dance room and moving through the house. She takes a left and sees a staircase going down.

She takes it and they get to the bottom level where it’s much quieter. There’s a long hallway in front of them and multiple doors.

“Al?” Christen asks quietly and it spurs Alex into motion again. She starts opening each door, mostly bedrooms, a weight room, and then finally she finds an empty bathroom.

Thank the heavens, Alex sighs out, flicking on the light and pulling Christen inside after her.

The light in the bathroom is dimmed, probably to fit the black marble and gold accents of the space. Alex can barely hear the music from upstairs, only the bass that makes the walls shake lightly.

She leans over the sink and stares at herself, and Christen closes the door with a soft click. Alex moves her eyes to see Christen’s reflection just off to her right, looking back into the mirror at Alex curiously. 

The lighting is flattering to Christen’s already gorgeous features and it makes Alex mouth dry at the sight of her.

“Al? Don’t you need to use the bathroom?” Christen questions and the air gets thick when Alex doesn't answer immediately.

Christen has to know by now. No - she _needed_ to know by now, because if someone were going to stop this it would have to be her. It wasn't going to be Alex because she isn’t going to be a coward, not anymore. And if this fucked everything up, then at least she can live with knowing she finally went after what she wanted.

But hell, in the back of her mind, she sends up a prayer that this wouldn't fuck anything up. 

“I don’t, actually.” Alex turns towards Christen, her voice is deeper than usual, even to her own ears, and Christen looks at her with confusion and a mix of something else.

It could be a trick of the lighting but Alex can see a slight redness in Christen’s cheeks and the look in her eyes might be something close to desire as Alex takes two steps towards her, eliminating the space in between them.

“I just – “ Alex starts then stops, searching.

Christen’s back is up against the door and they’re close enough that Alex could reach out. She pushes back the doubt telling her not to and takes one of Christen’s hands, squeezing it softly feeling electricity shoot through her from the touch.

Alex can hear her heartbeat pulsing rapidly in her ears and there’s a fire moving through her now. It’s mixing with the alcohol in her blood and making her not second guess a word she’s about to say.

She swallows, “I can’t stop thinking about you Chris.”

Alex doesn’t take her eyes off of Christen’s, watching green eyes widen and a bottom lip be pulled in between teeth. Christen looks nervous, but she hasn’t walked out yet, hasn’t opened the door to snap the sizzling tension that’s now almost suffocating Alex.

Christen doesn't speak but what she do is squeeze Alex’s hand. She takes it as a sign to continue.

“I think you think about me too.” Alex says it with a confidence that has been missing when it comes to Christen, and with the looks from earlier and the way she was dancing just minutes ago, Alex is not surprised when Christen makes no sound to refute.

The fire continues to burn through her, and she takes a small step forward again so they’re only inches away from each other. Alex lifts the hand not entangled with Christen’s and rests it against the door, just above Christen’s right shoulder.

“And I need to know.”

“You need to know what?” Christen finally breaths out and Alex sways forward at the sound of her voice. It sounds close to how Alex feels, like Christen's close to breaking.

Alex doesn’t say anything for a second, eyes drawn away from Christen’s eyes to her lips. There was no turning back now. There was no turning back once she sat down next to Christen on the bus to training and then months later had the thought to take her out for Valentine’s Day. This moment was going to happen one way or another and she just needs to get her fucking period, woman up, and go for what she has been thinking about for months now.

“Alex – “

“I’m tired of waiting.” She says finally, looking up to see Christen’s pupils dilate and then back down at the lips she’s been pretending not to think about.

Alex leans forward slightly and they’re close enough now that their lips are almost touching. Then Christen's tongue peaks out to wet her lips, the action causing the blazing fire to settle straight between Alex’s legs.

She can’t wait any longer.

“I need to know what you taste like Chris.”

Christen’s whimpered response hits Alex’s bottom lip like a caress and she lets herself fall.

When their lips connect it’s softer than Alex intends but burns her up all the same. She can’t believe she’s spent all these weeks _not_ doing this. It's been months since she's kissed someone, even longer since she kissed someone she actually desired and Alex has never really experienced anything like this. 

Never experienced the feeling that fills her as Christen's lips slide softly against hers, Alex's bottom lip catching between both of Christen's. 

She applies more pressure with every pass until Christen’s hand is untangling from hers and coming up to hold onto her shoulder. Alex’s own free hand moves down Christen’s bare leg, skin so unbelievably soft and warm that it causes Alex to press more firmly against Christen's lips as she makes a pass towards her inner thigh.

Christen gasps lightly when she starts to move her hand higher and Alex doesn’t hesitate to slip her tongue inside. Christen groans, yields, and opens for her fully and Alex drops her hand from the door to weave her fingers through thick hair as her other hand moves up Christen’s thigh to grab onto her hip and pull their bodies closer together.

Alex feels arms snake around her waist and Christen tilts her head, angle changing and tongue slipping into Alex’s mouth to battle with her own.

It makes Alex’s head start to spin again, and her hips lift searching for friction. She’s already so turned on and she wants more.

She wants everything.

Alex pulls back, closing her eyes tightly as blood continues to rush down, down, down. She takes in a much needed breath and opens her eyes just as Christen’s opens too.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” Alex breathes out the admission softly, not letting anything stop her from telling Christen the truth. 

Christen just bites her lip before reaching up, sliding both hands to the back of Alex’s neck to pull her down and into a more heated kiss. Alex moans and the kiss turns aggressive, tongues chasing each other and hands eagerly pulling to be closer. 

Alex takes Christen’s bottom lip between her teeth and tugs, letting the moan Christen lets out wash over her, sending spikes of pleasure straight to her center. She could kiss Christen like this forever.

The thought causes Alex to pull back and then she latches her mouth onto the smooth column of Christen’s neck, the seriousness of the idea leaving her mind and being replaced with the taste of Christen. 

One of Christen’s hands moves into the hair at the nape of Alex’s neck and grips hard, pulling her in closer as Alex kisses and sucks at the pulse thundering under her tongue. It’s a wild sensation, knowing that Christen’s soft moans are because of her and Alex has thought about this so many times she wouldn’t even be surprised if she was dreaming.

Christen lets out a louder moan when Alex can’t help but nip at Christen’s pulse soothing it with her tongue before adjusting her stance so her thigh slots in between Christen’s parted legs.

They started moving together after that, Alex grinding and pulling at Christen’s hips and trying not to let herself fall as Christen’s whimpers echo in the dim bathroom. There’s a sharp tug in her hair and Alex pulls back.

She stares at Christen, breath mingling as they take in short bursts of air and her hands move slowly under Christen's crop top to feel the smooth skin of her sides again. Alex wants more and she half expects Christen to have a look of something close to regret, but all she sees is a heavily lidded gaze and something like a promise.

Christen leans in before Alex can and the kiss is devastating. Alex gasps and then Christen’s tongue is dipping into her mouth in a way that has Alex grabbing a handful of Christen’s ass to stay upright.

The motion pulls Christen even tighter against Alex's bare thigh and the moan Christen lets out vibrates through Alex, coiling tightly with the building tension in her lower abdomen.

Her hands move on their own after that, mapping the skin of Christen’s stomach before one arm snakes around Christen’s side to land at her lower back while the other moves up and hits the underside her bra.

Christen’s tongue strokes Alex’s and Alex can’t help but pull Christen tighter into her, hand moving under her bra to cover a bare breast. Christen pulls away as Alex plays with a quickly hardening nipple, whimper hitting Alex’s cheek and the fingers in Alex’s hair tightening.

She moves her mouth back to the smoothness of Christen’s neck, sucking and nipping while her palm massages Christen’s breast. It's the perfect weight in her hand and she can’t help but grind into Christen, pushing her back rhythmically against the door.

Alex knows she probably won’t last if Chris touches her. But fuck, she doesn’t care and she doesn’t want to stop.

“I want to touch you.” Alex nudges her nose against Christen’s jaw, tasting the softness of her skin there as her hands adjust and move to tease Christen’s other breast.

“Alex,” Christen gives he hair a tug and Alex detaches from her neck. Only far enough away that she can still see the shadow that Christen's eyelashes cast on her cheek as they stare at each other for a weighted moment.

The green of Christen’s irises are barely visible, lips red and swollen, and her cheeks flushed. Everything about her screams arousal and Alex realizes she just wants to make Christen feel good. She wants to watch her fall apart and be the one to taste the sounds she makes as she comes.

She needs it. The tension between them has wrapped her up so tightly that it's making her lightheaded.

Christen grabs the hand still on one of her breasts and moves it to the waistband of her shorts, “Please,” she says into Alex’s open mouth before kissing her with a kind of desperation that has Alex’s hands quickly working to unbutton Christen’s shorts.

When she gets the button undone and the zipper down, Alex gives one swift tug to the material and the shorts catch just under Christen’s hip bones. It’s enough room for Alex to squeeze her hand down between Christen’s legs where she’s met with unmistakable heat.

Christen’s pants hotly in Alex’s mouth as her hand travels the length of her over her panties and the wetness Alex feels causes her own center to throb harshly. She wants to undress Christen, see all of her but she’s so dizzy with the feeling under her hand that she can’t wait.

At the next pass her hand moves under Christen’s panties and she’s soft, so fucking soft and wet and Alex can’t take it. She moves her head, resting it on Christen’s shoulder so she can watch the motion of her hand as it works through Christen’s folds.

She rubs her thumb in slow circles over Christen's clit and the other woman preens, hands blazing a fire along Alex’s back.

Alex wants to work her up, build this even more but it’s as if the last seven months have been enough foreplay, it’s been enough to build this wave inside the both of them.

She kisses her again, sucking on Christen’s bottom lip before releasing it and looking at her. She stops moving her hand, the nonexistent motion causing Christen to open her eyes. 

She's about to ask if it’s okay when Christen whispers, “Inside”. 

Alex nods, circling Christen's entrance lightly before connecting their lips again and entering her with one finger.

It’s mind altering, the feeling of being inside of Christen and as she moves, finger pumping in and out slowly Alex knows that this was probably what her mind was running from. The feeling that's burning her up inside, consuming her as Christen pants into her open mouth. The feeling that has Alex close to coming from just the sounds of the woman in her arms.

She feels another tug at her hair and then she’s getting pulled into a kiss that’s all tongue and teeth and it’s dirty enough that Alex pushes back into Christen with two fingers, hips behind her hand and moving with a purpose.

She curls her fingers every other time, pushing at the spot that makes Christen’s breath hitch. She’s thrusting in deeper and deeper, while also chasing the feeling that’s spiraling through her as she tries to find some relief against Christen’s thigh.

Their kiss has lost any sort of rhythm and the hand in Alex’s hair has now moved to her ass and it’s pulling her hips in, causing Christen’s thigh to rub against the seam of Alex’s shorts in just the right way that has her clit throbbing and the tingling in her low back is now shooting up her spine.

But she needs Christen to come first, she needs to see her, to hear her. The woman is still all quiet, breathy whimpers and moans caught in Alex’s mouth but she knows Christen’s close.

So Alex doubles her efforts, thrusting harder and quicker and she can hear the sounds of Christen’s wetness and, fuck, she’s not going to last. Alex’s orgasm is rushing towards her and she makes a quick decision, lifting Christen’s shirt with her free hand, pushing up her bra and attaching her mouth to a perfect nipple. She sucks at it sharply, tonguing it to soothe the pull and Christen’s moan above her is like music to Alex's ears.

Hips start to jump in Alex’s hand and Christen’s walls begin to flutter around Alex’s two fingers as she still works inside of her, fingers curling every time to urge Christen over the edge.

Alex releases Christen breast and lifts her head. Christen’s mouth is dropping open, the redness in her face now spread to her chest and then she’s letting out a high pitched moan, hips jogging and hands squeezing Alex’s sides tightly. And fuck it’s been years since Alex’s touched another woman, since she’s felt the telltale signs of an impending orgasm, and Alex can’t stop the groan that leaves her mouth at the fact that it’s Christen.

Alex thumbs at Christen’s clit with one, two, small tight circles and it's enough. Christen breaks, moaning, back arching and hips stilling as a gush of wetness coats Alex’s fingers.

Watching Christen come, so fucking beautifully, has Alex following. Her walls contracting around nothing as she swivels her hips on Christen’s thigh, letting out a moan of her own as the tension snaps inside of her.

She’s panting against Christen’s neck now, fingers still nestled deep as Christen comes down. She pulls out when one of Christen’s hands lands on her forearm and Alex pulls back, staring into Christen’s dazed eyes as she lifts her fingers to her mouth to taste what she's been thinking about.

The tanginess of Christen has Alex feeling everything all over again.

Christen watches her suck on her fingers, her breath still coming out in short pants and Alex’s fingers are barely out of her mouth before Christen is grabbing the back of her head, kissing her hard and fast, tongue on tongue, no doubt tasting herself.

Alex moans and she feels wetness begin to pool again in her already ruined underwear.

The kiss slows after that, the weightlessness close to carrying Alex away.

It’s a surreal moment, the dimness of the bathroom and the way Christen feels in her arms make Alex think she might not be able to do anything after this.

She had no idea it would be like this, she had no idea what kissing Christen would be like. What touching her would feel like. She never let herself even think too much about it because it made her crazy.

But now, knowing all those things, she feels wild, unchartered, and even more out of control.

Her heart is still drumming in her ears as she helps Christen pull up her shorts, watching silently as Christen buckles them back up.

The finality of the move brings Alex out of her cloud of arousal and holy shit, they just had sex.

She wants to do it again, hopefully somewhere more comfortable, Christen deserved better than a bathroom at a Malibu party – despite how nice it is.

When Alex looks up she isn’t expecting the terrified look in Christen’s eyes or the way her eyes shine, close to tears.

It jars Alex and she sobers almost immediately.

“Chris, what’s wrong?”

Christen just shakes her head, pushing Alex slightly back so she can have some room. Christen adjusts her shirt and if Alex didn’t know any better she’d think nothing even close to what just happened did.

They’re an arms length away when Christen finally looks at her.

“I’m just a bit overwhelmed.” Christen says softly, running a hand through her hair to tame it.

“I’m sorry, I just – I’ve wanted – “ Alex doesn't know what to say. She mentally kicks herself, not having thought about the after, about what to say once it was over.

She's sure she's fucking it up. 

“I’m going to go get some air okay?” Christen says and then she’s turning, opening the door and walking out.

Alex stares at the space that Christen had just filled. Had she just made a massive mistake, misread everything? Alex had no idea, because usually she was the one running. And now she realizes just how hallow it feels watching someone walk away and being unsure if they wanted to be chased.

But she couldn’t let Christen leave. Not like that. Not after this.

So Alex pushes through the door and turns, moving down the empty hallway quickly, knowing Christen couldn’t have gotten that far.

She takes the stairs two at a time, and when she comes to the main floor her head swivels around almost frantically. The amount of people in the house has almost doubled and she thinks she sees Christen’s dark hair a couple feet ahead.

“Chris wait up!” Alex calls out, trying to make her way through. She bumps into a few people, taking her eyes off of where she thinks Christen is in order to mutter out quick apologies.

That proves to be Alex's mistake because she no longer sees dark wavy hair in front of her. She curses slightly, standing on her tip-toes to try and see. 

Alex drops back down and continues to push through people until she breaks through into a more open area. She doesn't see Christen anywhere.

She sighs suddenly feeling like shit because she’s done it again. She’s messed up a great thing because she doesn’t fucking think.

Alex is sure that she’s shit at relationships. She’s been in like two serious ones, one ended with a handshake and an “I hope I never see you again” and another ended with a stack of papers she keeps tucked away in her desk. Whether it be her self-righteousness that does it or inability to really be unselfish, either one leads to a path of destruction and when she realizes, it’s usually too late to fix.

Alex can’t have that happen with Christen, despite the steadfast attraction, the need, the want to make the other woman happy so deeply ingrained in her now it's a surprise it wasn't always there.

And Alex can’t lose her.

It’s annoying really, because of fucking course she would fall for Christen just after getting out of a divorce. Christen, who’s been there for her, has listened, has been so supportive of every decision Alex has made that she’s even sure herself that she’s made the right ones. And Christen’s her best friend, not like Allie, not like Syd, and not like Kelley. Christen's different, she always has been, and even though it was known to her now that Christen wanted her too, what just happened between them was obviously too much.

Alex realizes they probably should have talked about it.

Fucking tequila. 

Alex wanders outside, the dejected feeling inside of her mixing with the breeze and causing her to shiver. She can't blame it on the alcohol, because despite how quickly it lowered her inhibitions, it was still all her.

She pulls out her phone, thumbing to Christen’s contact and sending her a quick text. Alex just wants to know if she’s alright, they don’t have to talk about anything if she doesn’t want to, she just wants to know that Christen's okay.

Alex waits a couple of minutes, staring hard at the text thread and willing Christen to respond.

The text goes unanswered and Alex puts the phone back in her pocket and then moves back inside. Fuck this, she was going to find her.

Alex moves through the house with purpose, checking the kitchen, the main floor hallways, the bathroom line - she doesn't see Christen anywhere. She bypasses the dark sitting room where people are still dancing to search the large open living area and still comes up empty. She keeps searching though, moving towards the front entryway to slip out of the door.

Alex stares out into the dark driveway, cameras still flashing over by the REVOLVE pop up but she doesn't recognize anyone there. Alex turns around, walking through the house to take another look outside. Her eyes scan the backyard and people by the pool but still nothing. 

Restlessness pours through her as she walks back inside but then relief washes over her when she sees Jaime and Luke come into the living area.

“Jay, have you seen Christen?” Alex asks when she reaches them.

Jaime turns and Alex hates that his smile drops and his eyes turn concerned when he sees her.

“I called her a Lyft, she said she wanted to head home.” Jaime explains, “We literally just got back inside from putting her in the car.”

The realization crushes Alex even further into sober state.

Christen left.

Should she go after her? Try to explain? Alex didn’t have any idea, but it was obvious that Christen needed a moment away from her.

Alex doesn’t notice Jaime turn and say something to Luke, who looks equally concerned, or notice when Jaime pulls her away and into a small hallway off the foyer.

She only notices when the sound of the music is no longer crowding her ears and she registers voices of other people having conversations in the hallway around them.

Jaime places both his hands on Alex’s shoulders to get her attention.

“Alex, babe, hey.” Alex looks up and meets his eyes.

“What happened?”

“I – “ Alex squeezes her eyes shut and tries to get the look on Christen’s face out of her head. Had she been scared of her? Had she hurt her?

When Alex opens her eyes again Jaime is still staring at her, expression on his face unchanged.

She drops her head, defeat filling her, “I fucked it all up.”

“Oh honey, come here.” Jaime pulls her in and his large frame encircles her.

It brings her comfort but not enough to take away the sting from watching Christen walk away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *runs*


	19. August 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We could end this on a new page and it sounds great,  
> 
> 
> but you gotta just be real with me.  
> 
> 
> Will we stay friends?"  
> 
> 
> \- Mulherin, _Friends_

_The beginning of August_

Christen wakes up with a mild headache and eyes so dry and irritated it’s a wonder she isn’t blind.

She didn’t take her contacts out last night once the Lyft dropped her back home. She felt like if she thought anymore about what happened her ears might start to bleed so all she did was change into a large t-shirt and fall into bed. 

Christen groans, turning over and reaching for her phone.

The screen lights up and the numbers read 7:12.

She missed her morning yoga session at the beach. Goodness, it would have been nice to stretch, calm her energy down, and just enjoy the early hours of the morning. But her body obviously had other ideas.

She’s hungover for one, her head is lightly pounding and her mouth tastes faintly of wine, tequila, and _something else_. Her body is sore, limbs are feeling heavy and her upper back and thighs feel slightly tender.

She still can’t think about it yet, the why. Not until she washes the makeup off and showers, because she smells like a beach house party, tequila, and something distantly she recognizes as Alex.

Her headache becomes more apparent as she gets up slowly.

A shower and some tea are what she needs.

After a long steaming shower, Christen had washed the steam from her mirror and stared at herself. She couldn’t help but notice the slightly reddish purple marks on her body, the brightest ones across the lower part of her neck and right above her left breast. She had touched at them lightly and shivered at the memories of being pushed up against that bathroom door. Her back still aches but luckily she’s able to ignore the warm feeling between her legs.

She’s sitting at her dining room table now, a hot cup of ginger tea in front of her and her glasses perched on the sloop of her nose. Staring at herself in the mirror had been a surprise, the marks along her body and the ache in her limbs had been a reminder of what she had run from the night before.

It's like a bright shining arrow pointing to the facts.

She had sex with Alex.

It makes her hot all over when she thinks about it. She remembers it all, every second of it, and her body responds just as it did last night. Like energy is bursting from her after being contained for so long.

And now she’s sure about two things.

One, she had sex with Alex. Two…she liked it.

Both thoughts consume her just like they did last night as she tumbled into the back of the Lyft and hoped that Alex didn’t follow.

She hadn’t expected the night to go like that at all. Sure, the wine she had been drinking, mixed with the tequila from the pregame, had made her feel bold. But the looks throughout the night, the way Alex had pulled her in when they were dancing and then the sex up against the bathroom door, it all sent Christen into a state of panic.

Not because she didn’t want to kiss Alex.

She _had_ wanted that.

Goodness, kissing Alex had been like a relief. It had felt like all the smoke kindling between them had finally led her back to its source. And the fire, it didn’t diminish even for a moment in that bathroom and then when it was over, she wanted to melt into a puddle just from the heat of it.

But despite her body feeling sated, her mind spun out of control. It had been terrifying.

Terrifying because she had resigned herself to just let it all go at some point. Tell Alex what she had been feeling and see if she felt the same. But they hadn’t gotten the chance to talk.

They skipped that part and just _did_.

And she had only just worked up the nerve to even speak to Alex about how she had been feeling the last couple months. Then it was as if they jumped four steps and suddenly Alex’s fingers were inside her and her lips were all over her and Christen had craved it.

Christen isn’t dumb, obviously Alex wanted her too. She had said she thought about her a lot, but nothing ever deeper than sexually it seemed. So when Christen had finally started to catch her breath, an immediate feeling of fear crashed into her accompanied by a feeling of deep unknown.

It had stunned her for a second, had caused tears to spring in her eyes because her emotions were beginning to bubble over. It’s a feeling she’s never really experienced before. A feeling that came with knowing how Alex kissed her, how she held her, how she touched her but not knowing how they fit together once it was all done. How they fit together now that the fire between them had burned through and she’s just left with the ashes of what they did.

It had been overwhelming really, that feeling of being close to free falling. Because she liked Alex, of course she liked Alex, she’s her best friend. But she liked her enough to let Alex take her up against a bathroom door, in a random rented Malibu mansion without a word before about what it would mean. She let herself want to touch Alex too, want to taste herself on Alex’s tongue, want to see what Alex looked like when she came.

She let herself want all of that, and then she took it. She could have pushed Alex away, right when she first kissed her, even before that when Alex had admitted that she wanted Christen too – but she didn’t.

Alex had been drunk and Christen hadn’t been sober, but she had enough sense to know that she could have stopped it – but again, she didn’t.

It’s not a struggle to admit it’s because she didn’t want to stop.

And did she regret it…no. But the overwhelming feelings crashing down into her, after she had one of the best orgasms of her life after months of this growing thing between them, had caused panic to set in.

Then she did something she has never done before when faced with a difficult situation – run.

Christen pushes her glasses up and rubs at her eyes, trying to get the look of confusion and devastation that Alex had on her face out of her head.

She had run, pushed through the masses of people until she physically crashed into Jaime’s back. Christen had mumbled out an “I need to go home” and Jaime and Luke didn’t ask many questions as they ushered her out of the house and onto the dark street.

Christen ignored Alex’s texts, Kelley’s too, and she hoped that Jaime or Luke relayed to them that she was okay.

She just needed time to sort everything out. How she’s feeling and how she wants to go on because her feelings for Alex, they were never meant to overflow like they did last night. Christen had thought she had a tight lid on them and would be able to ladle them out carefully when she was ready. But obviously, that didn’t happen.

It was only ever meant to be a crush.

But now she knows what it's like to feel pleasure course through her so rapidly that she didn’t even care that she had sex up against a door in a bathroom that wasn’t her own. She knows what it's like to have Alex inside of her, to have the intensity of the looks between them turn into touches that ignited her. She knows what it's like to swallow Alex’s moans, to have the weight in her stomach fully encompass her then burst.

And now she knows what it feels like to desire to have Alex like that, she thought about it all last night on her ride home.

But what were they to do now?

Alex is not even six months out of her divorce and Christen’s most significant ex is someone she still has a kind of complicated relationship with and works with. Not to mention was at one point one of Alex’s closest friends.

Christen groans and places her head in her hands. This is why it was only ever meant to be a crush, daydreamed thoughts that she would never actually act on.

And now she’s here, ignoring texts and hoping her tea will bring her some clarity.

She’s conflicted – she needs to meditate.

*/||\\*

An hour later Christen’s sliding the door closed from her balcony, feeling a whole lot better.

Meditating always made her face her feelings head on, reflect on her decisions, and try to figure out the best course of action moving forward. It also just helped quiet her mind and soothe her soul.

The hour she spent on her balcony gave her time to look at her friendship with Alex from a bird’s eye view. Their relationship is something that has helped her so much over the past almost two years and now they are so intertwined in each other’s lives that Christen can’t see that changing.

She’s attracted to Alex, and sexually it seems like they don’t have any issues there, but the two of them being anything more than friends, at the moment at least, is something she’s unsure about.

There are so many factors to consider. Ones she has always kept in the back of her head and have pushed her to try and get over her feelings for the other woman. But they obviously just need to talk, lay it out of the table, and Christen really just wants to hear what Alex is thinking.

Because the biggest factor, what it has always come down to, is that she doesn’t want to ruin their friendship. And then there is the possibility that they could potentially damage some of their other relationships before even having a conversation about what was going on between them.

Christen didn’t want that.

So, she’s ready to finally talk. Ready to accept whatever it is Alex is feeling and let her know the same.

When she gets back downstairs, Christen finds her phone still on the dining table. She answers Kelley and Abby’s texts first, and then sends thank you messages to the boys.

Christen then opens her text thread with Alex and looks at the last messages Alex had sent her that went unanswered.

**Alex (10:57 pm):** _Where’d you go???_

_Just tell me that you’re okay please?_

**Alex (11:22 pm):** _Jay said you left._

_Are you back home?_

**Alex (12:41 am):** _I’m back home now._

_I’m sorry Christen._

**Alex (9:20 am):** _Can I come over?_

Christen reads through the messages three times and feels horrible. She had only read the first one, still in the Lyft back home and then promptly silenced her phone. Christen knows Alex only just wanted to know if she was okay and her running out without much explanation probably didn’t help the situation.

The last thing she had wanted to do was hurt Alex and she knows that’s probably what taking off and then leaving her texts unanswered did.

The most recent message was sent about fifteen minutes ago and she sends a simple reply of “Yes” and then is in the process of typing out another message to at least tell Alex that she’s okay when there’s a knock at her door.

She moves quickly towards the sound hoping that it’s Paula with her usual banana chocolate chip muffin delivery that she makes most Sunday mornings. It’ll give her some energy before whatever it is to come when Alex arrives later.

Christen pulls the door open, not bothering to look through the blinds.

It’s not her next-door neighbor.

It’s Alex.

The blue-eyed brunette is staring down at her phone and then she looks up at Christen. The look in her eyes isn’t pissed off, or hurt, it’s really just – just scared.

Christen opens her mouth to mumble out a greeting but Alex speaks first.

“You left.”

Christen absorbs the words. Alex’s tone is only slightly accusatory, her body language guarded, and Christen’s first instinct is to appease Alex’s doubt by pulling her into a hug and burying her face in her neck.

She swallows down her gut instinct and stands up a little taller.

“I did,” She nods and quickly moves to explain. “I was a bit overwhelmed with it all and I’m sorry for running out like that. Alex you’re one of my best friends and –“

“If I hurt you or you didn’t want that Christen, I’m so sorry.”

“No Alex it wasn’t – “

“I didn’t mean – “

“Alex!” Christen raises her voice to cut Alex off. She gives her an understanding smile because goodness the woman is so considerate. And Christen can’t have Alex thinking she didn’t want it, that she didn't give her the green light to kiss her and for everything that happened after.

“I liked it.” She admits. “A lot.”

“Oh.” Alex shoulders drop in relief and then she breathes out, “I did too.”

The admission almost sways Christen on the spot and she realizes that her heart is beating rapidly and her body is reacting to Alex in the way it always has these past couple of months. The weight in her stomach begins to expand, moving until it squeezes around her beating heart. Alex looks like she’s in a similar position, but this same feeling, the urge to just do, to just feel, had been the trigger for where they were now.

And that’s all it is – attraction. They’ve been in each other’s spaces so much and both had ended significant relationships kind of recently. Well, was two years still considered recent?

Christen swallows again, blinking almost owlishly as she tries to make excuses for what happened that don’t even really make sense.

And she had spent the morning thinking about it, but she didn’t prepare herself for what she would feel seeing Alex again. Seeing Alex after one of the last pictures of the other woman she has in her mind is her sucking the fingers that were just inside of Christen into her mouth.

The intensity between them last night had overwhelmed her. She had never felt like that and for a moment she felt completely bare, exposed, and it had scared her. Because although she liked Alex, although she wanted her, although at times she thought about what it would be like if they were together, she hadn’t expected that. It had been like a large wave, growing and building. And just before it was about to break, Christen had felt as if she could no longer swim.

She’s scared, she’s not afraid to admit it and she can tell Alex is too. Because to Christen, their friendship is the most important thing right now and she needs to preserve that.

Christen is pulled out of her inner thoughts when she hears Alex shuffle slightly in place.

“Here, come inside.” Christen says, and Alex steps through the space she makes and Christen catches her scent as Alex passes her. She’s familiar with it now, the smell of lavender and Alex’s expensive perfume. It had surrounded her all last night and she woke up with it still on her skin this morning.

Christen shuts the door with a satisfying click, takes a deep breath then turns around. Alex is sitting on the couch, looking no less nervous but at least she isn’t standing out on Christen’s porch.

She joins Alex, putting enough distance between them to be obvious of the difference between the last time they sat on this couch while they watched _Planet Earth_ and were practically on top of each other. Ignorance was certainly bliss. 

Christen internally sighs, then turns so her whole body is facing Alex, “We probably shouldn’t do it again,” she starts and she wonders what she’s hoping for Alex to say.

Alex turns as well, her eyes dropping to map over Christen’s neck slowly before looking back up. Christen sees the muscles in Alex’s jaw clench but then she nods, “I agree.”

Christen feels her shoulders slightly drop, she doesn’t know if it’s out of relief or disappointment.

“Can we just go back to before?” Alex looks and sounds distressed. “I’m sorry I fucked it all up.”

“You didn’t fuck anything up. I wanted that last night Alex, please don’t ever think I didn’t.”

Alex nods but still looks slightly stressed, “Yeah, I think I –“ Alex stops mid-sentence and seems to reconsider her next words. “I don’t want anything to change between us Chris.”

Christen knows that’s not what Alex was going to say and she desperately wants to question her for the truth but it terrifies her a little.

And she knows that Alex is scared, she can see it plain as day on her face, so she won’t push. This is why they can’t fall down this rabbit hole but Christen still needs to own her truth too. She’s a little nervous, some parts terrified to lay it all out there but Alex deserves that much from her.

Hopefully it will be enough that at least they can come to a consensus.

“I’m attracted to you.” Christen says and Alex’s eyes widen a little. “Maybe it’s just me but it’s felt like for a while now that there’s been this – this –“ Christen searches for the word to encapsulate what’s been growing between then.

“This thing between us.”

“It’s not just you.” Alex says, quickly eliminating Christen’s doubt. Christen’s heart rate picks up again because then Alex sits up straighter and the stressful look in her eyes is replaced by determination. “Everything I said last night was true.”

The look in Alex’s eyes is the same one she had last night right before they kissed for the first time. Alex’s lips had been soft, tender like she didn’t want to push Christen too far, like she was giving her time to stop it. But Christen didn’t want it to stop, so she kissed back. Then Alex had applied more pressure, had threaded a hand into Christen’s hair and kissed her like she really meant it.

Christen takes a deep breath and pushes the thoughts from her mind. Not helpful.

“Be that as it may, Alex, you’re friendship is so important to me and I don’t want to complicate things.”

And sex, feelings, intimacy…it complicated things.

“I don’t want to complicate anything either.” Alex replies. “It happened, we don’t regret it, but it can’t happen again.”

“Right.” Christen nods her head in agreement and silence fills the room as they both stare off into space.

Christen turns towards Alex again, “Do you think it’s a good plan?”

“Yeah, I mean I think it’s the only one we got.” Alex sounds slightly distance but not untrustworthy. “We’ll get over it.”

Alex says the last part so nonchalantly that Christen hangs onto that.

They’ll get over it… _they have to_.

The intensity of everything last night…she doesn’t think she’ll survive that again. She won’t be able to just get over it.

But they’ve talked – _kind of_ – they’ve come to an agreement and now they just need to go back to before. When that time is…Christen’s honestly forgotten, but it’ll work.

Christen reaches for the remote on her coffee table. First order of business is just keeping enough room between them that the priest at her old church would feel comfortable with it.

Turning on the television Christen turns to Alex, the air between them already feeling less charged but still the weight in her stomach feels like it’s gotten heavier.

“No more pulling me into bathrooms Morgan.”

Alex smiles and laughs loudly and the sight makes Christen feel like they’ll be okay.

For her sake, she hopes that’s the truth.

*/||\\*

The next day, it’s early evening, running on 6:30 and Christen’s freshly showered after practice and running towards the door.

When she pulls it open she let’s out an excited squeal, which is echoed as Dream pulls her into a hug.

“There she is!”

Christen lets out a full laugh as Dream lifts her off the ground then sets her down, placing her hands on her shoulders and looking her up and down.

“LA Queen Press is finally back.”

“I missed you” Christen says easily, stepping aside so Dream could come inside.

“I missed you too girl!” Dream says and then looks around Christen’s living room. Her old teammate hasn’t been to her place since she’s redecorated after Tobin officially moved out. “I like what you’ve done with the place, it screams I meditate daily.”

Christen laughs and starts walking up the stairs so Dream can drop her luggage in the guest room, “How was your flight?”

“Oh god it was great, the guy next to me wanted to be a chatty Cathy right as I sat down, but I learned from the best, headphones and sleepy mask on and, boom, I was out.”

After Dream gets settled they move back downstairs to lounge on the couch and catch up on what they’ve missed out on in each other’s lives since they last talked. Christen also surprises Dream with her black LAFC jersey that she got from the team store at Banc today. The accompanied scream Dream lets out is enough to make Christen excited for the game tomorrow.

“Where are Alex and Kelley?” Dream asks once she looks down at the time on her phone.

“Oh they should be here any second now, Alex went home to change after practice and they’re picking up Thai food on the way here.”

Dream nods then holds up the jersey again, “Oh I’m so ready to wear this bad boy and sit up in the box seats with a mimosa while you guys run all over our friends. It’s going to be hilarious.”

A couple minutes later there’s a faint knock on the door but Christen can hear Kelley loud and clear. “Open up Pressy, your favorite person is here!”

Christen shakes her head and Dream stands and walks to the front door.

“Her favorite person was already here Kel.” Dream says when she pulls the door open.

“What’s up Dreamy?” Kelley’s eyes light up and she gives Dream a quick hug. “Now move out of the way, my bladder is literally about to overflow.”

Alex comes into view with an eye roll, “She’s being dramatic. Hey Sam.”

Dream pulls Alex into a quick hug and they pull away laughing at something Christen’s missed.

But then there’s a hand along Christen’s shoulders and she turns to look up at Alex smiling down at her.

“Hey Chris.”

“Hi Al.”

Alex’s smile doesn’t waver nor does Christen’s and it feels nice to have somethings at least back to normal. But then her mind drifts to her back against the door and Alex’s mouth hot on her neck.

“I’m going to put the food in the kitchen.” Alex says after a beat.

Christen blinks, “Okay.”

Alex walks away, disappearing into Christen’s kitchen and she watches her until she can no longer see the brunette forward.

There’s a clearing of a throat and Christen turns her head forward again and Dream is standing in front of her with her arms crossed and a smirk.

“Okay, what was that?” Dream asks.

“What was what?”

“Uh hello?” Dream starts, sitting back down next to Christen then nodding her head towards the kitchen. “The eye-fucking.”

“Dream!” Christen’s eyes widen and she casts a look towards both her hallway and the part of the kitchen she can see, luckily both are empty.

“Oh chill, I whispered that last part.” Dream waves a hand at her. “Come on CP, tell mama what’s going on.”

There’s no way she’s going to tell Dream about what happened. Her and Alex had talked about it like respectable adults and it wasn’t going to happen again so no use bringing it up.

But Dream had been partly right, she had been thinking about the sex and obviously her face had shown that.

“Nothing’s going on.” Christen answers, trying to be as convincing as possible.

Things between them are actually back to normal. After their conversation they had spent the morning just hanging out, passing the tin of banana chocolate chip muffins Paula did indeed drop off, then met up with Jaime, Luke, and Kelley for lunch. Christen made sure to cover up the bruises lining her neck with concealer and the trio at lunch probably would have been too hungover to notice anyway.

Alex, on the other hand, had just glanced down briefly and luckily for both their sakes didn’t comment as they headed out of her house.

So they slept together? Who cares!

Well, Christen kind of did, but she’s getting over it as best as she can.

Dream just raises an eyebrow at her then chuckles, “You are a terrible liar, you have to know this by now.”

Christen’s about to open her mouth to deny it further but Alex walks back into the living room.

“Where’s Kelley?”

“Probably blowing up Christen’s bathroom right now.” Dream says, smirk still in place as she looks between Alex and Christen – Christen ignores her.

Christen hears footsteps on her hardwood floors and Kelley’s voice breaks in the large room, “I’ll have you know that I had a nice respectable pee.”

“Oh really?” Dream playfully questions. “You were gone for kind of a long time.”

Kelley crosses her arms, “I washed my hands as well, the recommended twenty seconds if you were wondering.”

“I wasn’t.” Dream counters and Christen’s missed the two of them going back and forth like this about arbitrary things.

Alex just watches the exchange with disinterest, “Alright well when you two are done talking about that, all the food is laid out.”

At that they all make their way into the kitchen and begin to pile food onto plates.

Dinner is filling and Kelley and Dream are going back and forth about something that happened their first season on the Royals. Christen’s following somewhat but her thoughts are a bit scattered. Dreams words from earlier are replaying in her head and she’s a bit annoyed with herself for thinking that one day was enough to forget months of repressed feelings.

When Christen looks up Alex is staring at her, expression questioning and she mouths “what’s wrong?”.

Christen just shakes her head because nothing is wrong per se, but goodness is she that obvious? Maybe it’s because Dream has never seen them interact before, at least not since their relationship changed from almost friends to what it is now.

Plus, Kelley never says anything, neither does Jaime or Abby or any of their teammates. And when she unloaded everything on her mind to Crystal at that bar in Raleigh, she never said everything she had been confused about was because of Alex…and her friend didn’t ask. When she ran into Luke and Jaime at the party they didn’t have any idea that she had just run from Alex.

And nothing is going on anyway. So no need to bring anything up to Alex right now...or later. 

Mind made up, Christen stands, grabbing her clear plate and taking Dream’s and Kelley’s too. Alex keeps hold of hers and stands as well.

“I’ll help.” Alex says, grabbing some of the empty take out containers.

Christen ignores the look Dream throws at her and turns the corner into the kitchen, depositing the plates in the sink and turning the water on.

Christen hears Alex come in, her soft steps marked by the sounds of Kelley and Dream’s conversation starting back up, and then there is a soft hand at Christen’s lower back. Fire blazes through her at the touch and she almost drops the plate in her hand.

“Hey, you okay?” Alex asks again, this time aloud.

Christen turns, handing Alex the wet plate and the other woman picks up a small towel to begin drying it. Neither of them has commented on the fact that Christen has a dishwasher, one she uses religiously because it’s so good. But right now she needs to have her mind occupied by something monotonous and not anything else.

“Dream she just asked something earlier and I wasn’t exactly prepared for it.” Christen explains after she hands Alex another plate.

“What’d she ask?”

“What was up with us.” Christen wants to bring her hands up to rub at her temples but the soapsuds and water makes her pause, so she just sighs. She might as well just tell Alex. “Apparently we were and I quote ‘eye-fucking’ and she wanted to know what was going on.”

Alex’s eyebrows raise and then she laughs lightly, “Well, I look at you how I've always looked at you.”

Christen lets the words settle inside of her and at face value they could be interpreted as evidence to write off Dream’s observation, but Christen still feels the tension spark between them, feels the weight in her stomach begin to make it’s way to her chest, can see the way Alex’s eyes map over her face (like they always do) and now Christen knows what it means.

It confuses her slightly, but then it settles even deeper inside of her. Attraction is such an interesting thing – one thing can turn it to dust and a collection of things unnoticed can cause it to grow silently until it can no longer be ignored.

Maybe Alex does look at her the same, but Christen doesn’t walk around with a mirror to know what her own face looks like – obviously it coupled with Alex’s tipped Dream off enough.

But nothing is going on – they’d agreed to that – so trying to make sense of things that just would do Christen’s head in right now were null and void.

“I think I’m just overthinking it.”

Alex nods and then here expression turns thoughtful, “Alright, so no pulling you into bathrooms for me and no looking like you want to rip my clothes off for you.” Alex dodges Christen’s oncoming swat. “I think that’s a fine plan.”

Christen rolls her eyes playfully at Alex and picks up another plate to resume washing, “Like you said, I think it’s the only one we have.”

*/||\\*

The game against the Royals is an entertaining one.

Her, Abby, and Lo spend an excessive amount of time chatting with their old teammates during warm-ups but then it’s all business when the first whistle is blown.

By halftime, they’re up 2-0 and Pirlo decides to sub Christen out so Nichelle can get some experience playing against a healthy, albeit frustrated, Kelley O’Hara. Christen’s glad though, Kelley had taken her down about four times before the fortieth minute mark and the grass stains on her hips hide the fact that they ache.

She was still able to score though, after Kelley had streaked up the sideline to deliver a cross and Abby grabbed it out of the air and sent a booming kick up the pitch. Christen’s legs were on fire after her run up the length of the field but now they’re up two goals and she has an ice bath calling her name once the final whistle is blown.

Christen leans back against her seat, eyes tracking the movement of the ball lazily. Before long her gaze is drawn up towards where she knows her Dad’s suite is, the one he purchased for the season the day she got the call from Mia. If she squints she can make out Franny and Dream, both in matching black jerseys.

After Alex and Kelley left following dinner, Dream had given Christen the third degree. She’d pushed and pushed, asking questions that only Dream would be willing to ask her. Questions that Christen hadn’t really thought of answers to until voiced.

Dream had pressed more about what was going on with her and Alex – Christen had deflected. She asked if Kelley had any idea, if Pinoe, if Franny, if the team, if Tobin, if anybody had any inclination that something was ‘at the very least brewing between you two hotties’. And goodness, Christen could’ve been a politician because she had a good way of answering a question without really answering the one posed at all.

And there’s no doubt in her mind that Dream being up in that box with Franny would lend an opportunity for her old teammate to check and see if one of her oldest friends had more information than Christen was willing to give.

Even though Christen has kept everything to herself, that sly little detective would probably come back with it a pointed finger leveled at Christen and an “it was Alex in the bathroom with her fingers” or something like that as if she was playing a game of Clue.

Christen sighs because there is no use really overthinking one of her closest friends figuring out that something _did_ happen between her and Alex. It’d be nice to be able to talk to someone who isn’t so intertwined in both of their lives and can give Christen an honest opinion.

But it’d be nice if the dust were able to settle. It has only been three days, two since her and Alex came to a mutual agreement, and Christen’s still trying to get her thoughts in order.

Christen’s eyes move back to the game being played and she watches as Lo controls the ball easily in the middle of the field, sending a nicely threaded pass to Shannon, who is making a run up the left sideline right in front of them.

Kelley makes the decision to leave Nichelle, who starts to drift back up towards the eighteen-yard line as Shannon beats one of the new Royal midfielders and heads towards the goal line.

Shannon fakes a cross and Kelley goes sliding out of bounds. The young left back then passes it to Nichelle, who’s all alone at the corner of the box, and the rookie sends in a nicely weighted cross. Christen watches as Alex rises and heads the ball back across the face of the goal, out of reach from Barnhart as it pings the inside of the goal post and drops into the back of the net.

The stadium erupts, the Black Sea shooting off some type of poppers and the drums in the cheering section starting up as all their teammates stand up and clap.

3-0.

Their teammates are just starting to break apart from the congratulatory small circle around Alex and Nichelle when Alex’s face is shown on the big screens throughout the stadium and the place yells out her name with the announcer.

As Alex is jogging back to the center circle she looks over towards the bench.

Blue eyes lock onto hers and Alex’s smile appears on her face and Christen feels her own muscles move to mirror it. There’s a feeling crawling up Christen’s back but she sits back down and tries to ignore it.

Everything is totally going back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can it really be this easy? 
> 
> Let me know what you guys think!
> 
> Also, Christen & Tobin back on the big screen! Did you guys watch the game?


	20. September 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Does your mind play this game too?  
> 
> 
> Think 'bout me and you.  
> 
> 
> I guess I'll just pretend until it all makes sense."  
> 
> 
> \- Giveon, _LIKE I WANT YOU_

_The middle of September_

Alex would like to think she’s a fairly good person.

She treats people with respect, she’s nice enough to strangers, she doesn’t treat waiters or sales associates like shit, she gives back to her community, tries to be a good role model for young women. So, yeah, Alex thinks she’s a fairly good person – but she’s not a saint.

Far from it really.

She’s been at national team camp for three days now and for the past two she’s been thinking of all the ways to no longer feel how she’s been feeling. She’s been getting jealous and possessive and luckily she’s a pretty good actress because the stone cold bitch face she perfected in college has reappeared.

Alex is satisfied that she can take some of her frustrations out tomorrow at their friendly against France and then two days later against Mexico.

The thought causes her to internally sigh because what she should be excited about is making Becky’s retirement fun, focusing on making sure they win both games so their actual captain can go out with a bang. She should be excited that LAFC won the game last night against Louisville without both her and Christen, she should be excited to get back on the field with them next week and keep working to close out the remainder of the season and get ready for playoffs.

But instead of happiness, instead of excitement, she’s here stewing in her seat waiting for dinner to start. And despite the air of normalcy she’s been putting off, it’s all a fucking sham.

The ballroom turned dining room in the hotel they are staying at in Denver is about half filled. Alex isn’t really paying anyone too much attention, and she’s managed to school her expression to hide the fact that she’s thinking about things she shouldn’t be.

Christen is off with Tobin somewhere and it shouldn’t bother Alex, it really shouldn’t. She should be happy for them, glad that they were able to establish a solid friendship after everything went down. But Alex sees the way Tobin still looks at Christen; she sees the way they interact as if there’s a hint of _maybe_ still between them.

She has no real excuse for her jealousy other than the fact that the most recent person she had sex with is hanging out with her ex.

It’s stupid.

A picture of Christen and Sophia talking at the re-inc event a couple weeks ago suddenly pops into her head. And Alex knows now, just like she knew then that nothing had happened between the two women, but she still can't stop her mind from hinting at the fact that it still could.

It’s stupid. So fucking stupid.

She should be focusing on getting through all her own shit right now, not picking apart her best friend’s relationships like she has some say in them.

It’s been over a month since her and Christen talked about what happened between them, formed a shaky agreement, and, at least on Alex’s, part attempted to pretend like it wasn’t that big of a deal.

But what was she to do? Christen had ignored her, ran out on her after they had just had sex – what was she supposed to do? Tell Christen that she wanted it to happen again? No…honestly she just wanted to agree to whatever Christen wanted to do because she couldn’t go through what she felt that night after Christen left.

Alex hadn’t felt that seizing terror in a long time. Not since with Servando and before that with Kelley. It was that moment when you realize you might have just fucked a really good thing up and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

She had sulked the rest of the night, drank enough water to drown out all the alcohol she had consumed, and then went home stone cold sober and still terrified.

Alex had kicked herself for being so quick to act without thinking of the consequences. All she had been thinking about was her want, her attraction, and the thoughts that had been on her mind so much it felt like she was living in a _Real World_ house and she was the main source of drama for the season.

But she doesn’t regret it – not at all. She’d never regret any moment she shares with Christen. It’s just that, thinking back on it, Alex wishes she could have given her more.

Christen deserved more than a fast fuck in a bathroom, more than a moment of alcohol fueled courage and her back against the door of room neither had ever been in nor would ever see again. Shit, at least a bed would have been better, an ottoman to say the least.

Really, Christen deserved more. More than just action and no words. More than the drama that would inevitably follow between them.

Possibly…more than what Alex is able to give.

Alex lets that thought sit for a while. The last thing she wants to do is hurt Christen or ruin their friendship. And that night she had been freaking out because she possibly accomplished both.

She barely slept, her mind off in different directions until she finally pushed the covers off at around seven, pulled on her workout clothes and ran down the beach.

When she got back, her muscles were burning but, for the first time, her vice made her feel worse. She still had no messages from Christen, no missed calls, and her house so still, Kelley, Luke, and Jaime obviously still asleep, that it felt like her thoughts were echoing in her mind. And Alex couldn’t take not knowing, she couldn’t take playing the waiting game. So she took a shower, hopped in her car, and sent a text to Christen, which she didn’t get a response to even though she was sure the other woman was up.

When she had gotten to Christen’s, doubt tried to creep in, because what if she wasn’t home, what if she didn’t want to talk to her? But Alex swallowed it down, parked her car on the street and stomped (almost) up Christen’s walkway.

Her phone had buzzed in her pocket just as her fist connected with the door. Her heart had thumped when she saw Christen’s name and then her stomach practically fell out of her ass when Christen opened the door not even five seconds later.

And fuck her over, because she wanted Christen just as much as she did the night before, probably even more and she felt like such an asshole for it. But she knew herself, she knew that she made rash decisions selfishly and she didn’t want to have to figure out how to pick up the pieces of their friendship because of said decisions.

So she took Christen’s honesty, tried to admit some truths of her own, and all the while tried to ignore the marks on Christen’s neck that showed where her mouth had been less than twenty-four hours before.

Alex had been relieved to hear that Christen didn’t regret what happened between them, surprised how easily the other woman had calmly told her that she was attracted to her, how she had wanted what happened last night just as much as Alex.

But in the end nothing could come of it.

That’s what they agreed on. But fuck, it’s been hard. Alex wants to say that it’s been easy, that things between them are completely normal but that’d be a bigger lie than Bill Clinton’s televised presentation in ’98.

It’s been difficult. Alex thought it was hard before, when they were just tiptoeing around their now obvious attraction. But it had nothing on attempting to ignore the fire that seared through her at the thought of Christen now.

She knew what Christen’s lips felt like, she knew how heated her skin was when she touched it, she knew what spot on her neck made her moan, she knew what being inside of her felt like, she knew what she looked like when she climaxed. She knew what she tasted like. And she knew what she looked like when she wanted her.

These aren’t things Alex is meant to know about her best friend. These aren’t things she’s meant to know about a person she sees basically every single day and who isn’t anything more than a friend.

It’s messed with her head a little (a lot) and with the end of the season close and playoffs just over that hill she feels like the one constant person, the one solid thing in her life other than soccer is Christen. And she can’t have Christen in the way she wants to, despite how hard obviously they’re both trying.

Alex knows it’s not just difficult for her. She knows that Christen is still attracted to her, she knows what the looks on her face are now, she knows when maybe they’re pushing the boundaries a little too much.

But she won’t mess it up.

Alex takes a deep breath, sinking back into her seat as her teammates continue to file into the dining room.

Kelley and Emily are huddled around Mal’s phone watching some video when Christen walks in with Tobin and Alyssa. Christen is laughing at something and Alex’s chest seizes and it’s annoying how easily the look of happiness on Christen affect her.

Tobin and Alyssa keep walking, going to another table where Pinoe, Crystal and Julie are at, but Christen stops, looks around the room and then their eyes meet. Alex should be embarrassed, getting caught staring and all, but Christen just smiles and walks over, sitting down in the empty chair beside Alex.

“Hey.”

Alex sits up slightly, “Hey, did you have a good time?”

“Yeah,” Christen nods excitedly then launches into a thorough description of what the Chamberlain Observatory is like and it calms Alex, the ease at which the conversation flows, how normal the whole thing feels as everyone starts to eat and the rumble of conversations between their teammates drowns out Alex’s struggles.

She chews slowly, trying to memorize the people in the room, the sounds and the energy of it all. Camps after this one will be different, slowly the veterans of the team have started to retire, Ali first, then Carli, and now Becky.

The countdown for the rest of them looms large and Alex realizes she’s done it again. Selfishly drowned herself in her own thoughts and feelings, missing out on the experience of it all.

Alex realizes Christen has stopped talking and she turns to find green eyes concerned.

“What’s wrong?” Christen asks after a moment, low enough that only Alex can hear.

“Nothing.”

Christen briefly looks hurt at the lie, because despite Alex’s best efforts, her ice queen masks seems to slip around Christen.

They hold each other’s stare for a beat too long and Alex shakes her head slightly, clearing the haze that’s developed and ignoring the fact that her eyes had dropped down to Christen’s lips.

Alex takes a deep breath, “It’s nothing, really.”

Christen still doesn’t look convinced and she looks like she’s going to say something but then she stops when a hand is placed on her shoulder.

Alex looks over Christen’s head and Tobin’s there, giving them both a relaxed smile. She looks down at Christen when the other woman turns.

“Want to go for a walk?” Tobin asks and Christen turns again to look back at her, eyes still challenging Alex.

Tobin must sense something because she breaks the growing silence between the three of them, “You can come too Al, just a walk around the garden, get some fresh air.”

Alex looks from Tobin to Christen, then back. “I’m good, thanks though.”

Tobin just nods, unfazed and unaware. “Chris?”

Alex feels Christen’s gaze, burning into the side of her head as she pushes the half eaten pasta around her plate.

This really shouldn’t be that hard, and it confuses her just how quickly the energy between them has changed.

“Sure, let’s go.” Christen voices and then Alex hears her chair slide across the floor and only then does she look up.

“I’ll see you guys later.” Christen says it to the whole table, everyone breaking away from their conversations for a second, and then Christen’s walking out the same way she came in – with Tobin.

Alex’s eyes follow the pair and just as Christen hits the door she looks back. Their eyes lock for a beat and then Alex is looking back down at her food.

Focus on the game, she begins to repeat to herself silently, appetite lost.

*/||\\*

The game against France goes exactly how the team expects it. The French national team isn’t what it used to be, a lot of federation and management drama causing the best players the country has to offer not get called up or decide to not represent their country. So they win easily, 5-1.

Alex uses the game to release her pent up frustration, sprinting to every ball, rifling two shots past the keeper, and sliding into enough tackles that Kelley gives her a pat on the back and a “nice sliding out there Janice” at halftime.

By the time the game against Mexico rolls around, Alex feels like she’s blown off enough steam to actually enjoy Becky’s send off game. There are enough tears and hugs going around after the stadium gives Becky a standing ovation and in the end Alex just feels grateful that she got to spend most of her national team career with the defender.

They have a huge team dinner that night at a restaurant in downtown Denver and the drinks flow freely enough that it’s easy for Alex to forget that she’s been a bit standoffish towards her best friend and the awkward energy between them ever since dinner four days ago is because of her. Christen doesn’t question her better and more open mood, instead giving Alex a wide smile as if to say it’s all good.

Alex knows it isn’t, she knows she’s being unreasonable, shutting Christen out at points, but she’s never been in a situation like this one and she honestly just feels like she’s flailing. The lack of control she has over her emotions the last couple of months has left her confused and with camp coming to an end, she’s feeling like if she doesn’t get a handle on it soon, she might just explode. 

She calls Sydney once she gets back home after picking up Blue from Franny’s house. She's closed the door to her room, letting Blue run wild around the house, probably rubbing his body on every piece of furniture he’s missed for the past week. So instead of slobbery doggy cuddles for comfort, she feels like she just needs to get everything off her chest. And while she’s aware the proper channels to do so are seeking professional help, you know someone with actual training in unpacking all her relationship troubles, Syd’s the next best thing.

A woman with ten years of knowing her and someone who knows about how Alex feels about Christen despite trying to hide the fact.

Alex takes a seat on her bed and presses the phone up to her ear. It rings four times and just as she's about deflate from the unanswered call, Sydney picks up.

“Alex,” Sydney answers, “It’s the middle of the night you know.”

Alex looks at the clock on her bedside table, “It’s eight o’clock here, so eleven for you.”

“I’ll repeat, it’s the middle of the night.”

Alex doesn’t say anything because she can’t really object. Sydney has two little children, trains all day and then has to go home and work some more. She should just call her back in the morning; let her friend get some sleep.

There’s some shuffling sounds Alex hears and she can faintly hear Dom’s voice but then Sydney sounds more clear.

“Al? You still there?”

“Yeah, sorry for waking you guys up.”

“We were up. Just got in bed after putting the two terrors down.”

Alex hums in acknowledgment and then the line is silent. She sighs because she knows that Sydney will just wait until she says whatever it is she needs to say. So she might as well spit it out.

“I – I’m kind of struggling over here.”

“What happened?” Sydney asks.

Alex sighs and runs a hand through her hair, suddenly clamming up because she probably shouldn’t even be telling Syd anything. It’s not like her and Christen said they wouldn’t say anything to anyone…but it was kind of implied.

“Wait, wait, before you say anything, give me a second.” Sydney cuts in and then promptly hangs up.

Alex furrows her eyebrows at the sudden end of the call but then her phone is ringing in her hand again, but Sydney’s Facetiming her instead.

“I figured that whatever you’re about to tell me, it would be better for me to see your face.” Sydney says when Alex answers. “Alright Lex, let me have it.”

Fuck it.

“I slept with Christen.”

Sydney’s eyes widen comically for only a second before she looks anything but surprised. “Shit Lex.”

Alex leans her head back against her headboard. “I know.”

“Honestly, I’m not all that surprised but you’re looking like there’s an underlying issue here.”

“We talked. We decided to just stay friends.”

“You want to do it again though? That’s the problem?”

“Yes and no.” Alex starts then rushes to clarify as Sydney raises an eyebrow. “Yes, I want to do it again. No, that’s not the problem.”

“Okay, you’re going to have to help me out here. Other than the obvious messiness that could come with you two hooking up again, something I know you’ve already thought about, what’s the real problem?”

Alex sighs and looks around her room quickly, trying to get her thoughts in order. There were a lot of problems that could spark up if her and Christen ever pushed for more out of their relationship. Drama no doubt that would ensue if it ever turned serious between them, especially right now. But drama with people who weren’t actually in the relationship is inconsequential in the grand scheme of working things out, it’s the splintering of the actual friendship between her and Christen she’s worried about.

“I just don’t want anything more happening between us that could ruin our friendship.”

“It doesn’t have to ruin anything if you don’t let it Alex.” Sydney says calmly after a beat, then looks at her with an eyebrow raised again. “Do you want my honest opinion?”

Alex nods, silently bracing herself.

“I think you’re scared. Not because of the hoops you’ll have to jump through to try and figure how you two will work in terms of your careers, your friendships, past relationships all of that. I mean Al, when have you ever given a fuck about what people think?”

Sydney gives her a look that basically screams _never_ at her and really there’s no point in Alex actually trying to deny it.

“I think you’re scared because Christen means a lot to you. She became this crutch for you when you didn’t even know you needed one and you’re scared that if this thing between the two of you turns into a relationship that you’ll somehow wreck it and lose that.”

Alex closes her eyes and lets the words sink in. Sydney's right because if there is one thing she’s good at in relationships it’s self-sabotage.

Sydney waits a beat. “Am I close?”

Alex rubs a hand across her face in tired frustration, “Yeah.”

“You like Christen and obviously she likes you too since you two got down and dirty. You want to be with her physically, but are you ready for more?” Sydney asks then continues. “I mean really ready? Because sex and intimacy are two very different things.”

“I know that.” But fuck did she?

It kind of already seemed like more between them at times. But thinking about it, they seemed to be in this weird grey area. Before they slept together it felt like they had the intimacy part down without the sex. Now, they’ve had sex but being anything more than platonic towards each other is like a hard “do not pass go and collect two hundred dollars" rule right now.

And for one, she doesn’t think she’s ready to put herself out there like that with Christen. Because yes, she wants her, but they’ve come to an agreement, one she doesn’t want to break. And she really wouldn’t be able to take the rejection if she did voice her desires to Christen.

“I don’t know if I’m ready.” Alex sighs out after a significant amount of silence.

Sydney hums, “Well, to me, if the answer isn’t a hell yes, then you aren’t.”

Alex hears Blue’s paws scratching against the hardwood floor outside her room and she says a quick goodnight to Syd, moving swiftly to change into shorts and a t-shirt.

Blue’s sitting patiently right beside her door when she opens it and she reaches down to scratch behind his ears.

“How about we go for a run?” She voices the question and his tail is quick to start wagging as she moves down the hallway.

At least one of them is excited because fuck, she really needs it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter update this time you guys! Just a different perspective on what's happening. 
> 
> Sorry for the long wait. I've gotten pretty busy so I haven't had too much time to write. November is also looking like it's going to be a bit crazy for me, so the updates might be a bit scarce until I get a bit more free time. 
> 
> I hope everyone is doing well and as always let me know what you think!


	21. October 2021 - I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home?  
> 
> 
> 'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me."  
> 
> 
> \- Beyoncé, _Scared of Lonely_

_The middle of October_

The October breeze whips smoothly across Christen’s face as she passes the ball to Cat and moves to receive a pass from Jill. Her first touch is light and she finishes her run through the drill with a left-footed pass to Ali.

Training is just starting out and the stadium lights in Banc are all on.

It’s quiet enough that Christen can hear Pirlo’s voice from across the field as he works with the defenders and goalkeepers on a new tactical formation he has been drawing up to keep Portland at bay.

In two days, the stadium would be full again, their semi-final game against the Thorns already sold out.

Christen receives a pass from Alex, waits a beat then passes it to Jill who’s running through the drill now before they all rotate again.

She’s been here before, felt this sting of determination to get to the finals but she’s never actually made it that far. With the Red Stars they made it to the semis twice in a row and lost both times. With the Royals they had been just on the cusp of making the playoffs but always came up short in the end. But come Saturday, they aren’t losing.

It really feels like this team is the one that will do it. The team that she’ll bring home the championship trophy with.

It just feels right. And so many things right now feel right.

She’s at the top of her game, no longer being held back by expectations and judgments from people she doesn’t even know or care to listen to.

The business she runs with her friends is doing better than ever, selling out almost every drop within a couple of days, and actually making a difference in the community when it comes to events, fundraisers, and visibility for issues they are all passionate about.

Her family is happy. Her dad has finally started golfing and hiking again alone, something he only ever did before her Mom passed. Both her sisters are married now, to wonderful people, and are talking about starting families. They also are doing well in terms of their own healing processes and that's what Christen's most proud of. 

And her friendships – goodness those were like a lifeline.

The girls on the team had become like family to her, trusted to just show up at her house at random hours of the day just to hang out and talk about life. Her crew from the senior team, although close to being half gone now with Ali retired and Megan and Ash finishing up at the end of the year, was closer than ever. Pinoe is her person, Ali and Ash never fail to make her laugh, Alyssa is her voice of reason, and the friendship she has developed with Tobin is something she cherishes now.

She’s also made new friends since being back in LA and strengthened the bonds with her old ones, like Dream, who’s now her certified confidant again, as if they both never left each other’s side.

The best friends she has haven’t changed either. Kelley is still Kelley, a constant piece of her since she was eighteen. Franny is still the childhood best friend that is more a sister than anything else, loyal to a fault and as supportive as ever.

And then there’s Alex.

Christen watches the blue-eyed forward chat with Abby as they pause practice for a water break. As if sensing her stare, Alex turns and there’s a suspended moment of eye contact that causes her stomach to somersault, but she smiles nonetheless.

It’s been a couple of months since they had sex and with seeing Alex every day she’s gotten used to the feelings she has now. She thought time would take them away, but she realized that only worked if she didn’t have Alex around. So if anything, time had made her feelings stronger, and the steely resolve she had when they talked about only ever being friends is all but a shaky barrier right now.

It’s an odd sensation though – balancing the thin line between them. It’s difficult and sometimes Christen can feel Alex pulling away but she knows why. She knows that Alex is in a different place than she is, wounds still fresh enough to feel the sting if something gets too close.

Christen thinks that maybe she’s one of those things that Alex let get too close and now their friendship is too important to let go.

So she isn’t surprised when, in the end, Alex always pushes through her after pulling back and closing her off over something fleeting. Christen lets the other woman embed herself further into her being, welcomes the feeling that expands up and across her chest now when they’re alone. She lets all of that happen, taking most of it in stride because sometimes healing isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it's difficult and you hurt the people you care about. 

And Christen knows that their friendship is one that came about during times of healing for both of them. And it’s a friendship that deserves to have them both at their best and not only whilst going through their worst.

Christen believes that she’s close to that, close to her best, close to _feeling_ at her best. But she knows Alex isn’t there yet. She knows she still has so much to work through and she needs a best friend more than anything else, more than any what if or possibility of more.

So despite the push and pull she gets from Alex at times, she understands it, and it won’t cause her to be anything else but present.

Pirlo blows the whistle two times, shocking Christen out of her thoughts and signaling an end to the water break.

“Lets go Cap,” Jill says from next to Christen, squeezing her shoulder. “I’ll forgive you for the fact that you didn’t hear a word of anything I just said.”

Christen moves to apologize to the young midfielder but Jill just winks and starts jogging towards the center circle.

When she joins the team around Pirlo he quickly begins talking about the formation they will be practicing for the game. It’s only two days before said game, and with any other coach Christen might feel nervous about it. But Pirlo’s formation changes were not full changes usually, no 4-3-3 change to a 3-4-2-1 or something like that. No, his formation changes were about off ball movement, a combination of different switches in the midfield and up top for runs that would leave defenses scrambling.

It’s still a risk for sure, but most of the changes Pirlo has made days before a game have paid off. Christen guesses that’s what you get from a legend with a soccer IQ like his.

They disperse and set up a half scrimmage, practicing the different runs and moving the ball in such a way that it flows. It causes excitement to creep into her bones and as her team scores another goal, she can’t help but throw Alex a playful smile – dinner and a new bottle of wine were in her cards for sure.

The rest of practice is spent mostly scrimmaging and taking penalty shots on Abby and Kayla. It ends with all of them spread out, backs on the grass as they stare up into the starless sky, thank you downtown LA pollution.

It’s calming though, the quiet in the stadium, the sounds of horns honking on the street only a distant buzz.

There are only four more games left, two that hopefully they will be playing in, then the 2021 season would be done.

Right now, they’re sitting comfortably at the top of the table, having won the league, but in the playoffs that could all change. The Courage and the Reign would be playing in the other semifinal game and then next week would be the finals.

Christen wants that game more than anything, but first they need to get through the Thorns.

*/||\\*

"You’re hair looks really nice tonight Pressy.” Emily says to her after A.D. sends a long kick up the field after saving a low driven shot from her.

Christen shakes her head, trying to not let the smile show, “Shut up Sonnet.”

She jogs up towards the center circle, and watches as Tobin attempts to dribble past Ali Riley. The game has been deadlocked at 1-1 now for seventy-five minutes. Pirlo is keeping both her and Alex on and she doesn’t feel tired one bit. Instead restless energy moves through her as she's been trying run after run behind Portland’s back line.

Carpenter and Sonny look a bit more tired than her, having to deal with her, Shannon, and Cat’s speed up the left flank but so far they’ve done enough so Christen hasn’t had that many chances.

Lindsay gets dispossessed in the middle of the field after receiving a pass from Tobin and Lo passes the ball to Ali on the right side. Christen can tell as Ali takes a dribble up the field, looking across the pitch at her that she’s going to cross it.

When Ali hits the ball, it’s well over Christen’s head, but she’s able to run onto it while Sonny attempts to track her back. She fakes a run in the middle, then, head down, dribbles towards the end line.

She doesn’t look up before she swings her left foot through the ball to cross it back across the goal. Christen knows she’ll be there.

When she does look up, the ball is glancing off Alex’s head, redirected towards the right top corner of the goal and out of A.D.’s reach.

The ball hits the net and the stadium booms even louder than it’s been, the ground shaking beneath Christen’s feet as she runs towards Alex, who’s finger is pointing right at her and the smile on her face couldn’t be any larger.

The first thought Christen has when she reaches Alex is that she looks beautiful like this, unfiltered happiness, something she’s been missing as of late.

Christen jumps into Alex’s waiting arms, strong hands holding her up as the rest of their teammates crowd them and the stadium shakes with it all.

When her feet touch the ground again Christen smiles up at her, “I knew you’d be there.”

Alex smile matches her own, “I know.”

Christen feels hands on her shoulders and the sounds of the Black Sea and the rest of her teammates are music enough to carry her back to their side of the field.

The rest of the game she spends tracking back and crowding the midfield as to not let a late equalizer send the game to extra time.

When the whistle finally blows, the fireworks shoot off and Christen feels the accomplishment of the win seep down into her veins. She looks up to the sky in thanks and then goes in to hug all her teammates.

She gives consolatory hugs to Midge, Sonny, and Christine before Tobin walks up slowly. She looks hurt but still manages a weak smile.

“Good game, Chris.”

Christen pulls her into a short hug, “You too Tobin.”

“Still up for dinner tomorrow night?” Tobin asks. “I’m going surfing with Lee for most of the day but I’m free after.”

Christen nods, eyes scanning the field, for what she’s not sure. “That sounds good. I’ll pick you up at seven then.”

“Cool.” Then Tobin is gone, walking towards the tunnels.

Christen takes a couple of minutes to sign some jerseys and take pictures with the fans who have quickly become her favorite crowd to play in front of. The energy at Banc just breathes life into her every second she’s on the field.

Pirlo gives them passionate congratulations and then lets them go after a quick announcement that the Courage beat the Reign in the other semifinal game.

When she climbs into Alex’s car, the energy of the evening has started to set in. She’s tired but still feels like she’s riding a high.

Christen rests her elbow on the car door and her chin in her hand as she looks out the window.

The lights of downtown LA pass in quick succession as Alex navigates towards the freeway. The air in the car is comfortable, something that’s been changing over the course of the weeks, and Christen’s glad that at least for the next thirty minutes she can just enjoy Alex’s company.

“What’re you thinking about?” Alex asks after entering the ten on-ramp that will take them towards Santa Monica.

“I like this drive home.” Christen says quietly, turning to look over at Alex.

“Me too,” Alex echoes and Christen doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

The following evening Christen picks Tobin up from her hotel in downtown right on the dot at seven o’clock. Tobin’s standing outside when she pulls up, sporting a white t-shirt and dark jeans, an outfit that is comfortable enough to combat the light evening breeze.

“This is like what? The second time you’ve driven this year.” Tobin jokes when she slides into the passenger seat.

“Shut up, I drive a lot actually.”

“I’m sure.”

Christen merges back into traffic, “I can’t help that people enjoy driving more than I do, so naturally, I’m usually a passenger.”

“Naturally.” Tobin laughs in acknowledgment.

When they get to Bestia, Tobin points at an open parking spot across the street from the Italian restaurant they used to frequent after a day of shopping in the fashion and art's districts.

Christen expertly parallel parks and Tobin looks at her surprised, no doubt remembering the near fifteen-minute park jobs she used to do.

“Alex makes me do it in her SUV, which is like five times harder, so I kind of learned.” Christen answers Tobin’s silent question.

“I’ll have to thank her for saving us some time.”

Christen rolls her eyes but can’t stop the smile, “Get out of the car Tobin.”

When they get in the restaurant the hostess seats them at a booth where they have a good look at the bartenders moving expertly behind the tiled backsplashed bar.

Tobin orders a beer, something that hasn’t changed in ten years. She gets a glass of white wine, something that has indeed changed in the last ten years, but it'll be her only one for the night. She’s the responsible one out of the two of them of course.

Understandably, they get to talking about business first, going over the details of the new collection Tobin’s designing and the event in Seattle they are throwing at the beginning of November.

Somehow the conversation turns to the last time they saw each other at camp last month and the conversation they had while walking the grounds around the Chamberlain Observatory.

“Remember that girl I told you about. From the coffee shop?” Tobin asks, taking another sip from the dark liquid in her glass.

Christen nods, thoughts drifting to the woman Tobin made a fool of herself in front of. It was a humbling experience for Tobin, or so she said, regardless Christen had enjoyed listening to Tobin rave about the woman who's a mix of Stefania Spampinato and Candice Patton. It was especially hilarious because Tobin hadn't been given the time of day

“Yeah, so I saw her again. And I uh – I asked her out.”

Christen raises an eyebrow, “What’d she say?”

Tobin leans back but the smile is evident, “She asked me if I had been coming to the coffee shop every day waiting to ask her out.”

Christen laughs, “Oh goodness, had you?”

“Of course not,” Tobin says, sounding slightly offended that Christen would think so. “I’m not a stalker. But she agreed to the date, it was last week.”

“That’s great Tobin.” And Christen’s not at all surprised with how much she actually means it. “How was it?”

“Fine, Willa's really cool and I’m seeing her again next week. But I just kind of forgot what it was like to try and impress someone again.”

Christen laughs, “I think you forgot what it’s like to go out with someone who has no idea who you are.”

Tobin smiles looking down, “Yeah that too.”

“It actually takes some work on your part you know?”

Tobin chuckles and gives Christen a look. One she knows means Tobin’s holding something in.

“What?” Christen pauses, fork full of cavatelli hanging in midair. 

“I don’t know why you’re pretending like you didn’t make me work for it.”

Christen rolls her eyes, ignoring the subtle lilt in Tobin’s voice that’s verging on flirtation.

“That was different.” Christen says, not bothering to explain why. “And also six years ago, so you’re well out of practice.”

“Whatever you say Chris.” Tobin shrugs and leans back, “What about you?”

Christen hums in question, finally eating the forkful of pasta.

Tobin looks marginally uncomfortable, but still asks, “Any dates lately?”

She’s not entirely sure but it looks like Tobin’s genuinely interested.

It doesn’t bother Christen really, asking Tobin about who she’s dating. She had felt a smidge of something in her gut when Tobin had first told her about the woman from the coffee shop, Willa, but it wasn’t hurt - nor was it jealously.

It wasn’t exactly unfiltered joy either, maybe something closer to ease.

Her relationship with Tobin is now only a friendship, something she realized, at first, wasn’t very strong without their romantic relationship. But now, she’s comfortable where they are, content, and Tobin actually seems genuinely excited about dating again which she’s happy about.

So she’s not exactly finding the topic at hand difficult. But she knows Tobin might.

But she also knows that Tobin asking her is a huge step towards dispelling the lingering sense of awkwardness that surrounds them when conversations come up about dating and relationships. It may just be the history between them or the fact that usually Pinoe or Ashlyn is there to serve as a buffer and hit Christen with a question. So to say the least, Christen is surprised, especially after the look of shock Tobin had worn last time when Pinoe asked her about Sophia.

Christen will take it though, because even though two years have passed since they broke up, the dynamics of their friendship is something they work on all the time. And though time does heal wounds, it doesn’t completely erase the scars that are left behind.

“Well, did I tell you how Franny tried to set me up on a blind date?”

Tobin coughs into her beer, "What?"

The rest of the night turns into them dissolving into fits of laughter as she tells Tobin about the utter disaster her blind date was. Christen leaves out the part from the brunch she had the following morning with Franny and Alex, and the nerves she got from the idea of delivering the information that she had been on a date the night before. Alex hadn’t looked too upset when the question came up from Franny and Christen's been telling herself she’s not annoyed about that. Alex had actually laughed until she cried, so that’s the part she tells Tobin.

After she drops Tobin back at her hotel, she decides to go to Alex’s.

Christen’s not sure what compels her to do so. Maybe it's the fact that Alex had turned down going to dinner with her and Tobin, citing that she would be in Diamond Bar with her parents all day. But it was ten at night now and she finds herself staying on the ten freeway instead of taking the ramp to the 405 that will take her to Hermosa.

She dials Alex’s number when she gets onto her street and the brunette picks up on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“Hey are you at home?”

“Yep, just got back not too long ago. What’s up?” Alex asks.

“I’m coming over.” Christen says, then hits the red phone button on her steering wheel ending the call. She laughs lightly to herself, knowing Alex is probably doing the same since it’s become a habit of Christen’s ever since Mia called to tell her about her trade to LAFC.

When Christen pulls into the alley behind Alex’s house the garage is already open, Alex’s navy blue BMW looming large as Christen pulls in beside it. She closes the garage once she’s at the back door and then puts the key code in to unlock it.

The key pad turns green and she steps into the back hallway, paws on the hardwood floor getting louder as Blue comes barreling into her legs.

“Hi sweet boy.” Christen greets, rubbing behind his ears just as he likes.

“Hey." Alex’s voice breaks the happy huffing sound Blue’s making. "Did something happen?”

Christen looks up and Alex is at the end of the hallway, in yoga pants and LAFC sweatshirt, and Christen thinks for a second that she looks nervous.

“No nothing like that. Just thought I’d stop by.” Christen shrugs, walking towards Alex, whose shoulders seem to relax.

“Oh well, in that case come on, let’s watch another episode of _Westworld_.”

Christen groans, following Alex into the living room. “It’s ten Alex, I can’t sit through an hour of paying attention to every microscopic detail.”

“Okay grandma, if you fall asleep I promise I’ll fill you in next episode.”

“Fine.” Christen shrugs off her jean jacket, laying it on one of the decorative chairs along the wall.

“Did you guys have a nice dinner?” Alex asks, picking up the two different remotes on her coffee table.

“Yeah it was fun.” Christen lingers by the side of the couch. Alex is sitting at one end and it makes her hesitate.

She never used to second-guess how they sat, how close they usually were to each other. But over the last couple of months she’s needed to adjust that, their comfort level with each other sometimes confusing her now.

She decides to sit far enough away that Blue can climb on the couch and sit in between them. He’s the buffer she never knew she needed – goodness, she obviously needs to get a dog. She'd have a much easier time thinking this through.

“How’s Pam doing?” Christen asks once she settles into the cushions. 

Alex rolls her eyes, “Complaining about how her one true daughter didn’t come to visit.”

“I can’t help it if you find antiquing and going to Rolling Greens boring.” Christen defends, thinking about last Sunday when her and Pam Morgan spent an hour at the plant nursery.

“It _is_ boring Chris.” Alex emphasizes, then gestures around the room. “You’ve practically turned my place into a greenhouse anyway, no need for me to go get any more plants.”

Christen holds in a laugh, because Alex is right, she’s brought more plants over here than to her own house in recent months. “I can’t fit anymore plants at my place.”

Alex just gives Christen a look that screams “see” before turning on HBO and the episode of _Westworld_ they are on.

She’s surprisingly attentive, following the story enough to get that obviously Anthony Hopkin’s character is the mastermind in this story.

Once the episode is over Alex turns to her, “Might as well just stay here tonight, I can’t have you falling asleep at the wheel.”

Christen just nods, not bothering to object because she could probably fall asleep right now if Alex wasn’t pulling her hand to have her stand up, ushering her to the guest room she usually sleeps in.

She does her night routine quickly, the bathroom having travel-sized versions of all her products, every one left behind at different times because of the amount of time she spends over at Alex’s. She changes into shorts and one of Alex’s extra t-shirts and then steps out into the hallway.

Alex is turning off all the lights in the front of the house and Christen can hear her footsteps as well as Blue’s paws before she actually sees them.

“You know, I’ll always say blue looks a lot better on you than red.” Alex says once she’s close, pointing at the faded Cal soccer shirt Christen is sporting.

“Not a chance Morgan.” Christen says, and they stand there for a while, only a couple of feet between them in the middle of a long hallway.

Christen wonders how time can slow like it does now. She wonders if it will ever not be like this in the quiet hours of the night between them.

Blue breaks the seconds of growing silence; sidling up to Christen before walking past her and into the guest room she’s sleeping in.

“Traitor.” Alex mumbles at him, then looks up. “Night Chris.”

“Goodnight.” Christen says back, although it comes out like a whisper.

Blue makes a slight whimpering sound when Alex disappears from view and Christen just shuts the door, getting under the covers of the bed and letting Blue settle across her legs. His eyes still face the door, as if waiting for his owner to appear.

“I know Blue, I know.” Christen says, laying a hand on his back lightly before closing her eyes and letting the weight of the day take her into her dreams.

*/||\\*

Christen’s hands surprisingly don’t shake as she walks out into the stadium, the sounds of the home fans making her ears ring and determination splash through her.

This is it. A first for Christen. A first for a lot of her teammates too.

The little girl, Masey, her partner for the opening walk out onto the field squeezes her hand tightly as the sounds get louder around them. It brings Christen back to the moment, thankful for it all, but still needing to put the seven year old at ease.

“You’re doing great, we’re almost there.” Christen says and Masey looks up at her with a nervous smile. When they line up Christen gives Masey a conspiratory high five and the girl seems to stand taller as they wait for the team introductions.

After that Christen sends Masey on her way and then the Courage are making their way past them with the customary “good luck” handshakes. It’s all in the show of good sportsmanship but the sounds of the stadium drown out anything that might be said between them.

It’s all business though once they line up at the center circle, having won the coin toss against Abbey Erceg, Christen’s feeling ready with the ball at her feet.

Alex gives her a nod and then the ref is blowing the whistle and she’s passing the ball to Alex, who then passes it back to Lo and they’re off.

It’s a hard game, a true championship game.

It’s 0-0 at the half, neither team able to get anything past the respective goalkeepers despite the chances created.

In the 68th minute the Courage make a good run up the pitch, Crystal using her speed to move through the midfield. She almost gets disposed by Emily but the ball falls to Kristin Hamiliton who takes one touch and shoots, the ball rocketing into the back of the net past Abby.

It’s a good goal, Christen won’t deny it but now it’s 0-1 and they need to get something going.

The pedal is to the floor after that for them and finally in the 82nd minute they get a chance.

She’s streaked up the left side of the field, Mathias trailing behind. Christen fakes a cross into the middle, pulling the ball back to pass to Shannon who’s making a run into the box.

Shannon doesn’t take a touch, instead hitting the ball with her right foot as it moves past her left and Labbé has absolutely no chance in saving it.

The place erupts, a perk of having the best record in the league is home field advantage, and Christen just throws her arms in the air because they needed that.

They get one more chance before the final whistle, a corner she takes well, that Alex gets her head on but it hits the top post and careens out of bounds.

After a quick water break, Pirlo tries to will them through the next thirty minutes as they take the field again. And to say the least, overtime is taxing. 

Christen’s legs are on fire, but she’s not going to get subbed out now, signaling to Pirlo to keep her in as does Alex. Instead their coach makes a change in the midfield and puts Cami in as the last sub to help out Estelle and Hanna as a center defensive midfielder.

It seems to work, the middle of the pitch where North Carolina has been creating chances now clogged up, both from tired legs leading to off target passes and Cami’s fresh ones that lead to her dispossessing Debinha and Sam more times than not.

In the tenth minute of overtime they win a penalty after Hinkle gets called for a handball trying to defend against a shot Lo takes just inside the box.

Christen watches Alex step up to take it, eyes never leaving the ball after she places it on the spot despite the commotion going on around her as the Courage try to argue with the referee.

Once the ref motions that it’s her final decision, the only sounds now are from the crowd and Christen tries to will calmness into Alex, who’s been like Bruno Fernandes lately from the spot.

Christen waits, and then the ref blows the whistle and Alex takes her run up.

She hits it perfectly.

Really too perfectly because the ball, although low and to the right out of Labbé’s reach, keeps spinning until it hits the inside of the post, bouncing back out and away from Alex who’s running up for the rebound.

Erceg gets to the ball before anyone in black can and clears it out of bounds for a throw in.

Christen can see the anger and the annoyance in Alex’s eyes at her miss but she just taps her on the head once, “Get your head back in it Al, it’s okay.”

She knows that Alex doesn’t believe her but the small nod Alex gives will have to do because there are still twenty minutes left.

About five minutes later, Cat’s through ball towards her gets broken up and suddenly they’re scrambling back. Sam picks up the ball and does a cross-field pass to Lynn who’s able to pass to Crystal and then they’ve got their defense out of position and on their heels.

The Courage make them pay for it too, with a ball in the back of the net off a short give and go between Crystal and Kristin.

It seems to take the wind out of their sails and the sounds in the stadium drop an octave too.

When the ref blows the final whistle and the scoreboard reads 1-2, Christen wants to cry, but she won't the tears not to fall as the Courage crowd around each other and cheer.

Christen sees Alex drop to her knees near the eighteen-yard box, a few meters away and she feels it herself, the pain, the disappointment, and the feeling that comes when you realize you’ve let people down.

She runs through the congratulatory hugs on autopilot, making sure to wave, albeit sadly, at fans before she goes back into the tunnel and to the locker room.

She’s tired now, muscles burning and spirit sad. All her teammates look the same, some with tears streaming down their faces and others just with their heads bowed between their legs.

It’s a difficult moment, the pressure of the season breaking, but she’s still proud of them. Proud of the team they’ve built in just a couple of months. And it sucks of course, losing, especially when they had the run they did, but there isn’t anything she can do about it now. But it still hurts.

Christen takes a quick look around, most of her teammates are in the locker room but she doesn’t see Alex. She waits a few more minutes, the room basically full, only the coaching staff and Alex still having yet to appear. Not taking much time to decide, Christen stands and walks out.

She heads to the two bathrooms across the hall first.

No Alex.

She checks the senior training room next.

No Alex.

Christen checks the rehab hall and even the media room – and still no Alex.

She’s walking down the last hallway, one that cuts left and leads to two extra staff rooms that are used mostly for storage and a janitorial closet.

When Christen hits the bend she sees Alex sitting on the floor at the end of the hallway. Her head is down, forehead resting on her bent knees that are pulled up to her chest. She looks so small like that, curled up and silent on the concrete floor.

It makes Christen’s heart both relax in relief at the sight of her, but also crumble at how wounded the other woman looks.

“Alex?” Christen hesitates only for a second before approaching.

Alex looks up and sniffles, but doesn’t speak. Instead she rubs at her eyes as if to not let Christen see, but it’s too late, the tears too evident in the light.

Christen’s never seen Alex like this, not even after their loss at the Rio Olympics where both their missed penalties sent them home. It took a lot of personal healing for Christen to get over that. A lot of time spent accepting the fact that she shared the weight of it all.

So she recognizes the look Alex has now, the way her shoulders roll and sag as if shouldering all the responsibility for their loss.

Christen slides down the wall to sit on the concrete floor next to her. She moves close enough so their shoulders are touching and then reaches for one of Alex’s hands, intertwining their fingers in an act to showcase she’s never been alone, not since they both were traded to LAFC, not since Alex decided to switch bus seats.

They sit in silence for a couple of minutes, the only sounds being muffled conversations that are taking place around the corner.

Alex squeezes at her hand and takes a deep breath, finally ready to talk.

“I just hate losing, and I hate the fact that I contributed to it.”

“We all did. It’s not just you out there Al. It’s all of us, remember? That’s what Abby said after the Olympics, that it’s not our faults, it’s everyone’s burden to carry.”

Alex glances at Christen but doesn’t say anything.

“Did you believe it then?” Christen asks, already knowing the answer.

“Fuck no.” Alex breathes out.

Christen chuckles and she can see the slight smile on Alex’s face, “Neither did I. But even then, _we_ shared that weight together. So let me share it with you now.”

Alex gives her a look, eyes doing their normal journey across the expanse of her face, “I can’t really argue with the Captain, can I?”

“It’s never stopped you before.”

Alex laughs slightly, then sighs, leaning her head back against the wall.

“I just – I know it’s not the end of the world, I know there will be other games.” Alex starts, and then her voice cracks. “But I feel like I’m slowly messing up everything good in my life.”

Christen pauses at that, recognizing that Alex is shouldering the responsibility of so many other things then just this loss.

“I don’t know what to do. I let everyone down.” Alex turns and looks at Christen. “I let you down Chris.”

“You didn’t let me down Al.” Christen is quick to disagree.

“It’s not just the game.” Alex shakes her head. “It’s everything.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been such a bitch these last couple of weeks. I just – “ Alex rubs at her eyes again and then looks everywhere but back at Christen. “I can’t lose you too.”

Christen is trying to read between the lines, trying to understand what Alex means. Because yes, Alex had been flippant with her in the past couple of weeks but she knows that it has to do with the weird dynamics of their relationship now. With everything out in the open, it was bound to cause some change, and it hurts sometimes being brushed off by someone who has only ever been honest with her.

But she knows why. What she doesn’t know is why Alex believes that because of this loss, Christen would be lost too.

Alex looks scared and Christen realizes the game must have served as more of a trigger than the actual cause of such a thought.

“Al, you’re not going to lose me.” Christen bumps their shoulders together. “You’re kind of stuck with me now.”

“You mean that?” Alex asks quietly and she sounds so vulnerable and her eyes are so open that Christen loses herself in them for a second.

She just nods, not trusting her voice at the moment, her chest tightening and her hands burning to reach out and take Alex into her arms.

Something passes between them, it’s there for a suspended moment as they stare at each other and Christen isn’t sure what to do. She’s compelled to lean in and at the same moment Alex starts to as well.

An alarm sounds in the back of Christen's head. A buzzing shock that stops her forward momentum.

Goodness, she doesn’t want it like this – whatever _this_ is. Alex is hurting and she’s taking advantage of this vulnerability and being completely selfish.

Alex is still leaning in though and now they are sharing the same breath.

“Chris I – “ Alex begins and her breath hits Christen’s top lip like a caress.

All she has to do is move in an inch closer and then they’d be –

“Christen? Alex? Where are you guys?”

The voice cuts through the tension between them quickly and they each jerk back just as Lo comes around the corner.

Christen’s able to school her features in time just as Lo gets close of enough to see both their faces. Christen doesn’t look at Alex, in fear of seeing exactly what’s she’s feeling reflected back at her.

She’s slightly mortified – she almost kissed Alex in the hallway of their home stadium after the woman had been crying.

“Coach wants everyone back in the locker room.” Lo says sadly, then looks between them since neither her nor Alex move.

Christen gets up slowly, her legs surprisingly shaky and reaches a hand out to Alex, finally making eye contact.

That was a mistake.

Alex looks confused for the most part, but there’s something so open in her eyes as she stares up at Christen that she feels her heart rate pick up and her hands begin to sweat.

She keeps her hand out anyway and hauls Alex to her feet.

The despondency in Alex’s eyes is gone, instead her shoulders have just taken on that hunched quality again like she’s holding the weight of all her missed opportunities. 

As they follow Lo back the way they came Christen realizes she hasn’t let go of Alex’s hand. Just before they enter the locker room she gives the other woman a reassuring squeeze then lets go.

Their interactions are a bit charged after that, more so than before. It reminds Christen of the days leading up to the Malibu party, where both of them were thinking of things they shouldn’t, of places to touch where they shouldn’t.

They hold eye contact too long at the team’s end of the season party a week later, both too stubborn to look away first, and it’s only when Ali calls her name that Christen looks away.

She feels the heat of Alex’s stare throughout the whole captain speech Pirlo surprises on her. But she’s always been good at thinking on her feet so she's able to pull something coherent together.

The team also celebrates the annual league awards they've received, her with the Golden Boot, Pirlo with Coach of the Year, and Cat with Rookie of the Year. And despite the fact that they lost the cup, the NWSL shield still sits proudly in the trophy case at Banc, a consolation prize that has lit a fire under all of them to come back better next season. 

When she sits back down at the table after leaving the makeshift stage, Alex gives her thigh a light squeeze and it burns all the way through her. She stares down at the hand there until Alex retracts it slowly and then follows it to look up at the woman it’s attached to.

Christen sees the muscles in Alex’s jaw clench slightly and the feeling in Christen’s stomach has now moved to her chest, the burning in her thigh is slowly traveling up and converging in her core.

“Nice speech.” Alex whispers and Christen wishes that she would stop looking at her like _that_.

Not here. Not after what almost happened after the game. Not after Christen had stepped into her own home after said game and almost cried because of how selfishly advantageous she had acted. She had gotten caught up in a moment, confused support with care, and ignored the fact that kissing Alex would have made the situation so much worse. 

Alex needed a friend in that moment, she needed her best friend, not anything more. And to make matters worse Christen hasn't even gotten the time to apologize for it either. 

Christen swallows, clearing her mind of the memory. Alex is still looking at her, eyes slightly narrowed as if she knows that Christen’s thoughts had drifted.

Sometimes Christen wishes she could hear what the other woman was thinking because it’s frustrating now. It's like a double edged sword really, her body’s reaction and her mind’s wish for separation from it all so she could _actually_ think. But whatever she chooses, both will leave her wounded...she's sure of it.

Something’s bound to give soon though, she can feel it in the restlessness of her mind, in the aching in her chest, in the weight in her stomach.

She feels it, and Christen knows it’s not just a matter of if anymore, but when.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So quick turn around for this one! The next chapter might not be out until towards the end of November so I'm sorry about that in advance. 
> 
> I hope everyone is well and everyone in the US has voted or planning on doing so! 
> 
> As always, let me know what you think!


	22. October 2021 - II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hold me like you mean it, take me far away."  
> 
> 
> \- Alina Baraz, _Electric_

_The end of October_

Christen had absolutely no idea what the Governor’s Awards were when the invitation arrived at her house two weeks ago.

After a quick Google search she finds that the Governor’s Awards are a part of the Academy Awards. So really she was just left wondering why she was even invited.

When she called Alex the brunette forward had just laughed when Christen told her about the invite, citing that Christen _is_ a notable celebrity, especially in Los Angeles, and with LAFC investors being famous Hollywood actors and actresses it isn’t such a stretch that she received an invitation.

Luckily, Alex had received a similar piece of mail, as did Megan and Sue, so now here Christen is, scrambling to pack her small clutch as the black tinted SUV idles outside her house. Her phone buzzes on her night stand no doubt multiple texts from Pinoe probably telling her to hurry up.

Once she thinks she has everything, she checks herself in the floor length mirror in her room.

The dark green Dolce & Gabbana dress is easily the most expensive thing she’s ever been sent to wear. It’s a shiny satin material, form-fitting with one shoulder strap and a circle cut out low on her right side. Noelle, the stylist who left a few minutes ago, pulled Christen’s expertly waved hair into a ponytail and left some strands of her bangs out to frame her face.

She thinks she looks nice and fancy enough to rub elbows with some celebrities for the evening.

Christen steps out the house and fast walks down towards a professional looking man. He doesn’t say a word just pulls the SUV door open.

“There she is.” Megan cheers when Christen climbs into the car and then whistles. “And looking amazing. Look babe, Christen’s got on her hot girl dress.”

“I see that,” Sue says, giving Christen a smile in greeting.

“Might leave tonight with a Hollywood actress.” Megan says, reaching forward to squeeze Christen’s shoulder.

“I don’t think so.” Christen says with a slight roll of her eyes and then turns to see both Sue and Megan in matching gold and white suits. The gold engagement rings on their respective fingers practically sparkle.

“You two look great.”

Megan rolls her shoulders playfully then brushes off nonexistent dust from Sue’s shoulders. It causes Christen to laugh and they delve into easy conversation as they make their way up towards Venice.

When they arrive at Alex’s house the front gate opens and Alex steps out. Christen tries to not let it show on her face, but goodness, Alex looks gorgeous. 

She’s in a tight black suit, obviously Christen missed the memo, and a white sheer shirt is peaking out under the buttoned blazer. She’s wearing tall heels that make her legs look impossibly longer and her hair is parted on one side, flowing over her shoulders in finger curls that look purposefully messy. She looks like a female James Bond and Christen’s sure she’s never been more attracted to the idea of _that_ more than this moment.

Christen swallows when the door opens and Megan and Sue give Alex similar fanfare. Alex smirks at the compliments before turning blue eyes on Christen as she slides in the seat next to her.

“You look beautiful Chris, I love the dress.”

“Thank you,” She says, the blush working it’s way onto her cheeks. Before she can tell Alex how good she looks in return, Pinoe is moving her head into the space between the two captain’s seats.

“It’s Dolce baby,” Pinoe says, then claps in excitement. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Twenty minutes later the car pulls up to the venue and there are so many people outside that Christen immediately feels as if she doesn’t belong. She can see the red carpet just inside the gated entrance and the camera flashes going off rhythmically.

She should have had a couple of cups of Chamomile tea before this, but the door is opening and Alex is stepping out and then her own door opens.

Pinoe must sense her hesitation because she places a light hand on her shoulder, “It’s only a couple minutes CP, then we’re inside and we can play celebrity bingo.”

Christen takes a deep breath, nods and then accepts the outstretched hand, stepping out onto the street.

“Thank you and thank you for the ride Peter.” The stoic man just gives her a nod and then she’s moving around the car to join Alex, Pinoe, and Sue on the sidewalk.

A woman at the gate checks them in and then they’re being led through the crowd until Christen’s feet hit red.

She’s surprised to hear her name being called out and then she feels herself moving. She should be used to this by now, but the experience still holds its novelty. Standing in place as lights flash and she poses, smiling for some and then going for a more practiced smolder in others – she has no idea if she pulls it off.

Someone calls out for both her and Alex about halfway down the carpet and Christen’s trying to figure out why.

“Go on then,” Pinoe says and Christen gets a light push in the back, almost stumbling into Alex.

Alex catches her before it’s too obvious, chuckling as Christen rights herself.

“Shut up.” Christen mutters through a smile and Alex shakes with another laugh.

“I didn’t say a word.” Alex responds and the cameras begin to flash.

A warm hand brushes against the bare skin exposed by her dress before settling on Christen’s hip. She holds in the shiver but she can feel her insides beginning to simmer as she wraps an arm around Alex in return.

The sounds of camera shutters continue on and then they’re moving down the red carpet until they hit the doors of the Hollywood & Highland Center.

“Well I need a drink,” Pinoe says once they’re all just inside the doors. Sue and Alex make sounds of agreement.

Surprisingly though, as Christen stares up and around the elegantly decorated foyer, she feels excitement course through her.

Tonight should be fun.

*/||\\*

Christen tries to keep her cool, she really does.

She stays calm through conversations with Sigourney Weaver and Hugh Jackman, only screams on the inside when Jennifer freaking Aniston compliments her on her Olympic performance _and_ her dress, and her hands don’t even shake when Kerry Washington, the goddess Olivia Pope of all people, asks her to help zip up her dress in the ladies’ room.

But her internal freak outs reach their limit when not even a minute later Angela Bassett is walking into the bathroom. Christen barely musters up the courage to ask for a selfie once she picks her jaw up off the floor. It’s a crazy evening, but beautiful and fulfilling nonetheless.

The three awards handed out are all something akin to lifetime achievement awards so it moves Christen to be able to watch as it all unfolds. She even considers it to be a pretty successful evening despite feeling out of place for most of the night.

She feels a little bit better now though, slowly pushing through the bodies in front of the bar at Warwick, the posh lounge in Hollywood Pinoe wanted to go to for the after party.

When she gets her arms on the bar top she sighs in relief, finally getting a moment to breathe.

Christen looks over her shoulder and she’s easily able to pick Alex out as she leans against one of couches in the center of the room. She’s talking to a couple of people and the light in the lounge is just low enough that from Christen’s vantage point Alex looks like sex on legs.

It’s been maddening up to this point, the hand on Christen’s low back, the finger tips just barely touching the exposed skin of her side, the way Alex still has to lean down to whisper something in Christen’s ear, despite them both wearing heels, getting so close that Christen can feel the heat between them.

It’s been like this for the past two weeks, ever since their loss. A push and pull between them, electricity shocking like static until one of them just needs some air. Right now, she’s the one who needed to get away, hence why she’s at the bar.

She’s only had one glass of wine but she feels loose, exposed, and very very hot. Christen realizes she’s still staring when Alex turns her eyes to the bar and they lock eyes through the small gaps in people around them.

It ignites something low in Christen’s stomach and if she didn’t already feel the crushing weight barreling through her, she sure feels it now.

“What’re are you having gorgeous?” The voice breaks their eye contact as Christen turns towards the bartender.

He’s tall and lean, and has a smile that Christen is sure has people coming back to the bar for more then just a refill.

“I’ll just have a glass of Chardonnay please?”

“Coming right up.” He taps the bar once then turns and grabs a bottle behind him. He deposits the glass in front of her and then pours a good portion of wine into it.

He then slides it towards her, smile still slightly disarming.

“So your friend over there? She single?” He jerks his chin in the direction behind Christen, and she doesn’t have to turn around to know he’s referring to Alex. “Don’t know if she’s sending me come hither eyes or a death glare.”

Christen would be required to turn around to answer that last part and she's doesn't really know if she wants to come to any conclusion for him. But Alex _is_ single. She doubts the man behind the bar, although cute, is Alex’s type though. He’s too blonde, too pretty, and probably too young.

But it would still be kind of entertaining to see him try.

“You should go ask her.”

“Ah can’t leave the bar gorgeous. But since you’re standing right in front of me, what about you? You single?”

The laugh comes out more incredulous than surprised, but the man’s smile doesn’t waver and she knows this must work on a lot of women. But she’s not interested.

Christen holds her card out but he just waves it away.

“Thank you, for the wine, but I’m good.” She answers and he just shrugs.

“Well, I’ll be here if you change your mind.” He says, then gives her a wink and moves down the bar where other patrons are trying to get his attention. The idea is really not likely, but at least she got a nice glass of wine out of it.

Once Christen arrives back to their “table” which is just a collection of sofas, chairs, and a white coffee table with different alcohol all over it, Alex is alone. She's still leaning up against the back of the couch, drink in hand and watching over the rim as Christen approaches.

“You look like you’re thinking too hard.” Christen says, mirroring her position.

“Oh, I have a lot of things on my mind.” Alex’s words drip with something. Something Christen tries to ignore. 

She shifts, returning to her wine before clearing her throat.

Christen is verging on just downing her glass. She feels too riled up, maybe from the suffocating tension between her and Alex or maybe because she’s just now considering the fact that Alex might start dating again. She hasn’t seemed all that interested, at least in a relationship and that’s completely valid. But they did have sex and the guy behind the bar didn’t exactly seem to be the relationship type either.

Maybe that’s something Alex wants. No strings attached sex, which wasn’t a bad thing at all. Christen tries to ignore the small inkling in her mind that says she’d be annoyed with it though, Alex sleeping with some random person just for the warmth.

She starts to chuckle at the ridiculousness of it all because it’s not her place.

“What’s funny?” Alex asks and Christen decides on half the story.

“The bartender was wondering if you’re single.”

Alex’s eyebrow quirks and she studies Christen’s face for a second. 

“Oh?” Alex’s eyes drift past Christen towards the bar then back. “And what did you say?”

“I mean I didn’t tell him anything,” Christen ignores the way Alex’s eyebrows raise in curiosity. “He was definitely checking you out so I just told him he should go over and find out. He said he can’t leave from behind the bar.” 

Alex watches her with laser focus after that and the feeling has Christen saying more than she should.

“Can’t say I blame him though. The whole suit and heels thing is really –,“ Christen feels heat creep up the back of her neck as she trails off. The words sexy and hot were the first things that came to mind and she finally hears the way her words carry that familiar weight.

“ – Nice.” She ends up settling for.

Christen blames the Chardonnay as she pushes the image of the way Alex’s legs looked limitless as she walked to the car from her mind. She’s a lightweight…one glass it seems has the power to do her in.

Alex’s face changes and the hand holding her own drink looks like it’s tightening from the way the tip of her fingers turn slightly white. Christen draws her gaze away from long fingers and Alex’s eyes look darker, and she licks her lips and Christen can’t help that her eyes follow the movement.

“Christen.” Alex’s voice is low and then a hand lands on the open skin of her side. The moment is suddenly charged and she’s thinking about Alex’s hands all over her, her mouth on her, and really she just wants to leave.

“There you two are!” Pinoe calls out, and Christen’s head turns to see her pink-haired friend with Sue right behind her.

Pinoe’s eyes drop to Christen’s side for just a second but it’s long enough because Alex’s hand is gone, leaving embers in its wake.

“We're ditching this place guys, the wifey’s tired.” Pinoe says, pointing at Sue almost as if the moment before didn’t happen.

Sue rolls her eyes but smiles at Pinoe nonetheless, “These are your friends babe, they don’t care that you’re old and want to leave a party early.”

“Ahh whatever.” Pinoe waves a hand at Sue then leans in to give them both a hug. “You two have fun. Enjoy the table and the free alcohol.”

Then she’s winking at Christen once and pulling Sue along until they disappear in the mass of bodies towards the exit.

“Well,” Alex starts, standing up fully and walking around to the other side of the couch to sit down. “Looks like we should listen to Pinoe, huh?”

Alex pats the cushion next to her and Christen doesn’t hesitate to follow.

*/||\\*

Hours later, they’re standing in Christen’s kitchen, laughing into their glasses of water about the craziness of the evening.

After Sue and Pinoe left, Alex invited some of the people she had been talking to earlier in the night to their table. And Christen hadn’t expected it but it had been one of the funniest nights she’s had out in a while.

She had been crying laughing at different points and all the while Alex’s hand had stayed on the exposed skin of her side. It was interesting, exciting really, existing in that space where their new friends only knew of them now. Only knew them as Christen Press and Alex Morgan, soccer players on a night out and nothing of them before.

It caused Alex to be bolder, right hand splayed and warm on Christen’s bare skin and left drinking a Whiskey Smash amidst laughter. And Christen will admit, now, standing in her well-lit kitchen with feelings boiling over, she’s feeling bold too.

“I had a lot of fun tonight.” Alex says putting her glass on the island and looking back at Christen.

She feels herself nodding in agreement, “Me too.” 

Christen watches Alex closely. She’s still in her suit, still in her heels too, so she would tower over Christen now if she were closer.

She on the other hand is barefoot, dress still on but hair down and shoulder more relaxed. But Christen feels her body heat as blue eyes are drawn to the stretch of skin on her side where Alex’s hand had stayed most of the night.

It’s almost like she can feel the phantom touch now even though Alex is a least a couple of feet away. Christen’s fingertips are tingling, as if the tension between them has turned her body into static and Christen wonders when she got so brazen.

She also wonders when her idea of bold just became asking for something she wants.

“Alex?” 

“Yeah?” Alex questions but her eyes don’t drift from where they are stuck on exposed skin.

Christen decides to get her attention. Decides it’s time to take a step off the ledge and see if Alex will catch her.

“Kiss me.”

Alex’s head shoots up at her words and although she feels perfectly calm, Christen's body sings with electric energy and she wonders if Alex can hear her pulse pounding in her ears.

“I thought we said – ” 

“Kiss me,” she orders, no longer interested in what they said then. Only really concerned with the look in Alex’s eyes now and the way her body wants it all again and then some.

Alex seems to take only a second to contemplate it all before taking two strides towards her then stopping inches from her to search her face. She must see no sign of hesitation because she leans down and does what Christen’s asked.

This kiss is different than their first one months ago. It doesn’t taste like tequila or uncontrolled lust; it tastes like something else – something more.

Alex kisses her slowly, lips set firmly against her own as arms wrap around her waist. Christen pushes back, hands moving up Alex’s arms to frame her face for a better angle and to ground herself so she doesn’t start to float away.

This kiss is _so_ different. It’s the when happening, it’s all her carefully laid plans blowing up in her face, it’s Alex answering _her_ call – and it leaves Christen reeling.

She takes a breath in through her nose, not wanting to break their connection. Instead she leans her head up more, taking Alex’s bottom lip in between hers and then Alex is pulling her in closer, and their tongues meet setting rockets off.

Hands move quickly after that and Alex’s hand lands back on the bare skin of her side, sliding into the cut of her dress to splay across her back. Christen weaves a hand through Alex’s soft tresses in response and then they’re moving.

She feels drunk as they stumble up towards her room. They take breaks in their journey, laughing into each other’s mouths against the wall in the middle of the stairs, Alex’s lips hot on her neck against the door of her room, her body molded into Alex’s as their mouths move together as if they weren’t meant to be apart as she tries to open her door.

When they finally get inside, Christen shuts the door with her own body, pulling Alex into her as she brings their mouths together again in a scorching kiss. She nips at Alex’s bottom lip and the shaky breath released into Christen’s mouth has her pushing at Alex’s suit jacket to get it off.

She helps Alex get the garment off and it lands on the floor and she hopes the Alexander McQueen reps aren’t expecting too much.

Christen feels Alex’s fingers at her back, trying to tug at the zipper there but unable to get much traction because of their position. So Christen breaks their kiss, pushing Alex slightly back so her back isn’t flush with the door anymore and Alex’s fingers can get a better pull.

They are both breathing heavily and Christen sees Alex throat bob as she swallows.

“Are you sure?” Alex asks softly, and it reminds Christen of before. She knows Alex would never push and consent is sexy, but Christen wants to be sure Alex knows she would never push either.

“Yes, I’m sure.” Christen says clearly, looking up into blue eyes getting darker by the second. “Are you?”

Alex nods, starting to pull Christen’s zipper down. “So sure.” Then they’re kissing again, lips slanting together, mouths opening and Christen dips her tongue inside. Alex's answering groan and almost clumsy fumble of hands across Christen's now exposed back have her smirking. 

“God, this dress Chris.” Alex says pulling back and Christen feels fingers push the strap holding it up and then it’s falling off and pooling at her feet.

Alex doesn’t say anything as she takes in the black lingerie set Christen had decided to wear. Of course she didn’t think anyone would see it tonight, but she’s not at all mad at the reaction she’s receiving. Alex's pupils are wide and dark, only a small ring of blue can be seen around the edges and Alex looks like she wants to devour her. Christen won't object. 

Hands move up her sides slowly, almost reverently, and despite the heat in the room, goosebumps break out across Christen’s skin. It’s in the anticipation now.

Alex’s hands smooth over her bare shoulders and then glide up into the hair at the nape of Christen’s neck to pull her in for another kiss.

It turns deep quickly and suddenly Christen feels kind of crazed, greedy. She claims Alex’s mouth like the woman claimed hers mouths ago, tongue seeking entry quickly as her hands work to pull the sheer blouse out of Alex’s black dress pants.

She has to pull out of the kiss to undo the buttons and Christen does it slowly, admiring the tan skin that’s slowly revealed and knowing Alex is watching her. Her body’s on fire and she’d feel slightly out of place, only in lingerie, whereas Alex is basically still fully clothed. But it doesn’t matter, because soon enough the outfit she had been admiring most of the night is going to be on her bedroom floor.

When the last button gives, an ivory bra encases Alex's breasts and it makes her tan skin glow. Christen fingers the soft material then rubs a hand down Alex’s stomach, abs bunching under her fingers before she hits the waistband of Alex’s pants. Christen teases her hand over Alex’s clothed crotch, feeling heat through the barriers there.

Alex lets out a heavy breath and it causes her to look up.

“I want to be inside you again.” Alex whispers, hands moving hotly up and down Christen’s sides before landing on her hips, finger dipping into lace.

Dirty talk has always done something to Christen and she won’t deny she doesn’t want it to happen again. And she won’t deny that she doesn’t want the same thing. To feel the passionate woman come around her fingers and mouth. She didn’t get the chance to the first time.

“My turn first.” She says, and then with a gentle hand she pushes Alex until she’s sitting at the edge of the bed. “Can I?”

Alex takes a moment to answer, eyes moving over her body now that the moonlight from her window is hitting her just right before looking back up at her face. “Can you what?”

There’s an even lower rasp to Alex’s voice and Christen shivers with it. She decides to up the ante, reaching a hand behind her back to unhook her bra. Christen lets gravity take the strapless garment to the floor.

Alex’s eyes drop to her chest and then Christen answers, “Touch you first?”

The quick nod has Christen dropping to her knees.

“Fuck.” Alex breathes out and Christen looks up as she unfastens Alex’s left heel, hands moving up strong legs before working the opposite heel off too.

Christen sits up, balancing on her knees as her hands smooth up Alex’s thighs to unbutton Alex’s black pants, revealing matching ivory panties.

She starts to pull at the pants and Alex pushes up, letting Christen maneuver them down her legs and off. When Christen looks back up Alex is already shimming out of her panties and Christen doesn’t hesitate to help pull the offending garment all the way off.

Before she can admire all the skin revealed she gets pulled to her feet and into a kiss.

It's heated and Christen can taste the same anticipation she feels on Alex’s lips. Her hands are drawn to Alex’s breasts and she cups them over her bra before reaching around to get it off with a quick twist of her fingers. Christen discards the bra somewhere behind her with their other clothes and then she pulls away to push Alex up towards the head of the bed.

Christen watches, eyes drawn to every piece of naked tan skin until landing on the apex of Alex’s thighs where she’s already swollen. Christen knew she was wet, she felt it just minutes ago, but seeing it, the sheen glistening against Alex’s inner thighs has her crawling up the bed to meet Alex.

She suddenly feels the need eclipse her. Wants to hear her moan, wants to take her and show her how much she wants her, how much she wants this. Show her how often she’s thought about this, about making her _feel_ this feeling that’s buried deep in her chest.

Alex must understand because she opens her legs and Christen moves into the space created. When their bodies connect for the first time they both groan, the heat underneath Christen’s panties increasing by the second as the lace connects with Alex’s naked center.

She can’t wait anymore.

Christen bares down, grinding once as their lips connect and then hands are everywhere. In her hair, down her back leaving raised trails in their wake, on her ass to pull her closer and for a second Christen wonders if she wants to taste or touch Alex first.

She decides on both as she pulls away, lips moving to Alex’s smooth neck as her left hand plays with one of Alex’s nipples. Christen moves with purpose then, kissing down a heaving chest until she can pull Alex’s other nipple into her mouth. She laves at it with her tongue before nipping it with her teeth lightly and that draws a moan from Alex. It’s short but loud and Christen does it again, switching sides until Alex’s hands are twisted into her hair and she’s panting, hips undulating against Christen’s stomach enough that she can’t think of anything other than getting her mouth there.

She detaches from Alex’s breast and then continues to trail kisses down, licking at the stomach muscles on display and then sitting up, right hand moving up Alex’s thigh until her fingers hit heat.

Goodness, Alex is drenched. It causes Christen’s mind to go slightly haywire as she watches her own fingers move through the wetness there and she thumbs at Alex’s swollen clit with enough pressure that another moan breaks from Alex’s mouth.

Christen looks up, black eyes are staring at her, mouth slightly open as Christen moves two fingers slowly through her.

“Please.” Alex whimpers and Christen shivers in the same anticipation that is lifting Alex's hips into her hand. Christen scoots back and then enters Alex with two fingers, lips descending at the same instance to taste for the first time.

It’s everything.

The moans falling from Alex’s lips, the way she scratches at Christen’s scalp, grip gentle but hard enough to know it’s there as Christen’s tongue draws through her wetness and two fingers pump steadily in and out.

She didn’t ever consider if Alex would be a talker. But it makes Christen impossibly wetter as Alex let’s out a string of “fuck”, “just like that”, “that’s so good Chris” and breathy moans that grow louder and have Christen grinding into her sheets.

It spurs Christen on and she groans as Alex’s tugs on her hair harder. She crooks her fingers, meeting the softness inside of Alex then circles Alex clit once, twice with her tongue before bringing her head up. Alex's eyes flash down at her in question and Christen doesn't hesitate, bringing her other thumb up to rub Alex's clit in quick and sure circles. It causes Alex to moan, and then her hips jump and her walls begin to flutter around Christen's fingers. 

Christen can't look away, eyes drawn to the strain in Alex’s neck, the way her back arches up, mouth open in a silent scream and then she’s moaning, hips grinding hard into Christen’s hand as wetness coats her fingers. She brings her head back down and laps at the wetness there, loving the taste of Alex's arousal, the sweetness coating her thighs while Alex rides out her orgasm. Her own hips are still slowly grinding into her mattress but then the hand in her hair is pulling her up.

She goes willingly and Alex is grabbing her neck, pulling her in and kissing her hard, sucking on her tongue to taste herself. It makes Christen even wetter, the filthiness of it and then she’s getting flipped over.

Their lips are still locked and Alex is kissing her, deep and languid, like she can’t be bothered to speed up despite how close Christen is to breaking.

Christen feels the pillow dip as one of Alex’s hands braces beside her head, the other pushing Christen’s legs further apart to make more space.

She spreads her legs and then Alex is grinding down, hard and sure, and Christen moans as Alex sets a rhythm, the lace of Christen’s panties so wet now it’s beginning to feel like nothing is there at all.

Alex must still register the barrier between them because there’s a sharp pull and the sound of material ripping and then Christen’s bare. Alex’s hand moves to cup her breast and then she’s grinding down again. They come together with nothing between them for the first time and Christen feels herself climbing towards release.

It’s too hot, too stimulating and Christen just reaches up, grasping at Alex’s back to hold on as she rocks her hips.

She pulls out of the kiss, an unfiltered moan coming out before she gulps for air and Alex doesn’t miss a beat, pressing open-mouthed kisses to the exposed skin of her throat.

“I dreamed about this.” The words come out of Christen’s mouth before she can stop them.

Alex looks up sharply, blue eyes wide and wanting, “Yeah?”

Christen nods and Alex licks her lips, hand still circling her nipple and dark eyes roaming Christen’s face. Searching always searching.

“What did you dream about?” Alex asks sitting up slightly, hands smoothing over Christen’s thighs and opening them up even more.

Christen feels exposed as Alex stares at her center and she decides she might as well just go for broke.

“Your mouth on me.”

Alex makes a whimpering sound at the back of her throat then moves quickly, covering Christen’s body with hers and connecting their lips. She pulls away and Christen tries to chase but Alex’s hand between her legs makes her pause, it’s teasing moving slowly through slickness, not applying enough pressure to be anything more than a preview.

Alex moves her head so it’s next to Christen’s ear, “I think about you all the time.”

Alex then bites down lightly, before soothing the lobe with her tongue and entering Christen with two fingers.

It’s slow and erotic, the harsh pants Alex is letting out, the way her back muscles move under Christen’s hands as she moves inside of her.

The feeling builds quickly through her but then Alex moves again, mouth pressing to heated skin, tongue circling stiff nipples and lapping at Christen’s heated skin before her face is level with Christen’s center.

“Was it like this?” Alex breathes the question out against her, flattening her tongue to take a broad swipe. Christen spasms, arching into the wet seal of Alex’s mouth.

“Tell me Chris,” Alex squeezes her thighs lightly, and Christen’s having a hard time getting her thoughts in order. “Was it like this?”

Alex’s breath hits her core again teasingly and pleasure rips through Christen but she’s still able to ground the words out.

“No, you were standing.” Christen pants, memories of her almost routine dream playing quickly like a movie on fast-forward. “You had me at the edge of the bed.”

Alex nods, standing up and then just like in her dreams, pulls Christen in with strong hands gripping her thighs. But instead of dropping to her knees, Alex pulls more, hands bringing Christen’s legs to her shoulders to bare Christen’s weight. It causes an unaltered moan to fall from Christen’s mouth as both of Alex’s hands find her ass and pull her in.

Her back arches and she scrambles to grip the rumpled sheets. Alex licks firm circles around her clit and she tries to keep her eyes open, but the way Alex’s eyes are flashing down at her and the way her tongue moves through her, she can’t really help it as her eyes close and pressure builds. It's one hundred times better than her dreams. 

Then Alex sucks on her clit and Christen sees white after that.

When the aftershocks have stopped shaking through her, Alex sets Christen’s legs gently down on the bed where they hang off the end for only a second before Alex is leaning over her.

“Wrap your legs around me.”

Christen doesn’t think she’ll have the strength right now, her body already feeling like jelly, but smooth warm hands are gliding up from her knees and Christen’s able to wrap her legs around Alex’s trim waist.

It happens so quick, one second she’s on her back and the next Alex is picking her up and turning, sitting on the edge of the bed with Christen seated comfortably in her lap.

She doesn’t get any more time to think as Alex kisses her. Gently at first then with more purpose, like she can't get enough. Hands squeeze and knead every inch of her skin, and Christen burns with it.

She can’t help but pull away, “You’re trying to kill me.”

Alex opens her eyes slowly and with the way the light from the moon is coming in from the window Christen thinks she looks ethereal. Hair mussed, lips red and plump, a light sheen of sweat coating her skin, and eyes so dark that Christen can’t help the hitch of her hips as she starts to grind in Alex’s lap.

“What a way to go.” Alex murmurs, hands gripping her moving hips with purpose, guiding them the way she likes.

Christen finds that her second wind has hit and she wants Alex again. Wants to be inside of her, wants to feel her, wants her mouth on her again. It’s a bit off putting, how much the feeling is crashing into her because it’s never been like this before.

She pushes the thought away, instead bracing a hand on Alex’s chest to push her back into the bed.

Christen connects their lips in a hungry kiss, which immediately turns deep and hot and her hips start to grind with purpose.

The moan Alex releases into Christen’s mouth is one she matches because she can feel her wetness starting to build again, adding to the reminder of before, and she knows Alex can feel it too. She’s slick already and Alex opens her legs just enough that on the next pass Christen can feel their clits brush against each other in a way that causes her to pull away for air.

Christen watches Alex mouth drops open just a bit and then she leans over her, breath mingling hot and heavy between them.

“What a way to go, indeed.” Christen whispers and then Alex is grabbing a fist full of her hair and rolling them over.

A fleeting thought enters her mind just as Alex’s teeth nip at her jaw.

She thinks that maybe they won’t ever leave her bed, and then she doesn’t think about much at all.

*/||\\*

“Shit,” Alex breathes out next to her as Christen stares up at the ceiling and tries to catch her breath.

“Yeah,” is all she can respond back with. Her body feels like liquid, warm and pliant, and entirely too satisfied.

The air kicks on and it cools her heated skin, the covers down at the bottom of the bed, kicked off at some point Christen can’t really recall.

She looks over and Alex has a pensive look on her face.

“What are you thinking?”

Alex takes a deep breath, “That I don’t want this to stop.”

Christen’s heart squeezes at the words.

“I don’t want to stop either.” She admits and then Alex turns fully onto her side, head resting in her hand as she stares at Christen. Her eyes only drop to Alex’s exposed body for a second, and when she looks back up blue eyes are serious but there’s a hint of mischief.

They stare at each other like that for Christen has no idea how long, but then Alex is reaching out and pushing some of Christen’s hair behind her ear.

“How about casual then?” Alex offers and then continues before Christen can digest it. “I think about you all the time Chris, I thought that after we talked after the REVOLVE party it would be all good, but it’s been worse.”

“Casual.” Christen’s brain screams caution as she repeats the word. She’s not a casual type of woman, never one to sleep with multiple people at the same time or only want just sex from someone. She knows that Alex isn’t exactly either, but she knows that Alex might still be struggling to find her footing in terms of dating again.

And she’s still trying to navigate her feelings for Alex, for how they fit into her life outside of their friendship because it’s obvious that their attraction to each other is something they can no longer ignore.

So maybe casual is the safest thing for them right now, because despite how loud the alarm in her head blares, her body reaches for Alex.

She feels it tingle up her spine and it feels like something close to yearning now even though they’ve just gone for three rounds. Christen doesn’t feel overwhelmed or scared, she just feels like before they were kidding themselves thinking that they could ignore this.

They were kidding themselves in thinking they were at a crossroads, one road leading to just friends and another leading to where they are now. But Christen knows now that that was never the case. They’ve been on the latter road longer than she probably even understands and it’s definitely a one-way street.

But despite the option of turning back no longer being on the table, Christen still aches for the promise of keeping their friendship intact.

“Let’s make a deal.” Christen starts and she sees she has Alex’s full attention. “If at any point either of us want to stop, we have to be one hundred percent honest and tell the other person. Also, we still have every single part of our friendship, so this – “ Christen searches for a word. “Benefits part can’t always take over our friendship. We should still be able to just hang out and it not always leading to this.”

Alex seems to mull it over, “Alright, designated friendship nights and benefits nights.”

“It doesn’t have to be scheduled Alex.” Christen laughs lightly but the feeling in her chest still squeezes at her heart.

Alex just shrugs with a light smile and Christen can’t quite believe what’s happening. It feels like they’re drafting up an agreement, one that’s bound to end at some point and she hopes when that time comes she’s not too far in the deep end already.

“The most important thing is that we’re honest with each other. Our friendship is worth that at the least.”

Alex nods and Christen considers sealing the deal with a kiss. But instead Alex decides on another more binding agreement.

“Pinky promise?” Alex holds the digit out and Christen looks down at it. Sees it for what it could lead to.

The playful smile Alex is giving her and the fact that her body is still on fire has her locking their pinkies together.

“I promise.” Christen answers, then watches as Alex intertwines all their fingers. The heat from their bodies, the contrast of their hands, the weight in her limbs has Christen thinking out loud.

“So I guess today is still a benefits day then.” Christen jokes. 

Alex’s mouth drops open slightly, pupils dilating, and then she looks over at the clock on Christen’s nightstand behind her.

It blinks 3:12am. 

“Yeah?” Alex utters the word like a question, like she’s wondering if it’s really this simple. 

And Christen knows it isn’t but she wants it to be, at least for a little bit longer. 

She knows Alex does too, because the hand that was just holding hers is now on Christen’s hip, moving slowly around her then pulling her closer. 

Christen leans in then, hand smoothing up Alex’s neck before nodding in confirmation, “Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I say end of November? I meant the following week lol. I cranked this out can you believe it! 
> 
> Happy November everyone! Let me know what you all think!


	23. November 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But it’s more than crush, but less than love."  
> 
> 
> \- K. Roosevelt, _Beautiful_

_The end of November_

Alex can’t really seem to focus.

Something, something somewhere is beeping but she doesn’t really register what because her eyes are glued to more important things, or maybe more important points would be a better description.

Christen’s sitting across from her with the new winter re-inc tee on. It’s a nice shirt, nice enough that Alex has one too. But she’s not exactly staring because she’s counting the percentage of cotton within the threading.

She’s staring because it’s cold enough in LA this afternoon for Christen’s nipples to stand proudly, pushing against the fabric of the shirt to showcase the fact she’s not wearing a bra.

Alex enjoys nonconformity as much as the next girl so free the boobies or whatever. But, as of recently, Christen’s got into the habit of not wearing a bra then sitting in Alex’s direct line of sight.

And fuck, she feels like such a dude right now unable to keep it in her pants as her mind goes to places her mouth was last night. It makes her shift slightly in her seat, the telltale signs of the fire that obviously wasn’t extinguished in the early of hours of the morning.

Not to mention, this is supposed to be a friend’s day. Alex shouldn’t be letting her mind drift to a hotter reason Christen looks the way she does right now, a reason that involves Alex’s hands and mouth.

Slight movement catches the top line of her vision and she sees Christen’s mouth moving.

The world comes back into focus, almost like water rushing out of a dam and the sounds of the restaurant slam her on all sides.

“Alex?”

She blinks and Christen’s got a light smile on her face almost as if she knows what caught Alex’s eye despite the dark sunglasses on her face.

“Do you want to order?” Christen motions to her right.

Alex looks up and sees the waitress there, pen poised to paper patiently with a smile that mirrors Christen's. From her view, she definitely knows what Alex was staring at.

So much for subtlety.

Alex clears her throat, “Uh yeah, I’ll have the eggs benedict and another sangria please.”

“Of course.” The waitress says and grabs Alex’s menu before turning and walking away.

“So you wanted the eggs benedict too?” Christen asks quietly into her water.

Alex tilts her head, “Did we get the same thing?”

“No,” Christen murmurs and the corners of her mouth tilt up, “I was just confirming that you weren’t paying attention at all.”

Alex looks down, smoothing the napkin in her lap, feeling caught.

“I was looking respectfully.” She admits before sitting back slightly embarrassed. “I’m sorry.”

Christen laughs and manages to look a little flattered. Alex thinks it’s endearing as hell.

“Don’t apologize, but I’d think after what’s been going on these last couple weeks that you’d understand I want you to look.” Christen waits a beat and Alex can bet there’s a twinkle in green eyes behind those Montblac sunglasses. “Respectfully, of course.”

Alex swallows, “Of course.”

“Now that that’s out the way, can we please talk about the fact that your neighbors are always sunbathing nude?”

Alex laughs and then settles into her seat. The easy comfort of being around her best friend and not having to hide the fact that she’s attracted to her makes her shoulders feel less heavy as Christen starts talking about Kitty and Paul, her older neighbors who were teenagers in the seventies and would probably appreciate Christen’s aversion for bras.

After brunch they go to The Broad where there’s another Yayoi Kusama exhibition that Christen has been talking about for the last month so Alex couldn’t really say no.

She’s mostly following behind her, half listening and humming sounds of acknowledgment at the right time. She’s gotten really good at that over the years (Allie has too many stories when they catch up for Alex to actually digest every single one). So she hears most of Christen’s musings and when they leave the exhibit she feels like she could write an essay on lights and existentialism.

Well, maybe not an essay, but a short paragraph. Or at the least a two sentence summary.

Doesn’t really matter though because Christen is pulling Alex through the inaugural installation collection pieces before asking what Alex thinks. They take pictures under the large wooden chair and in front of the balloon animal like flowers Alex is sure you aren’t supposed to touch but people do anyways.

After that they wander along the walls and Alex stops in front of a particular painting, the whites, pinks, and reds of it drawing her eye. It’s called “Her Flowers” and when she tilts her head to the left it leaves no doubt that it’s quietly erotic. Like most flower paintings the vagina is easy to identify but the way the bottom flows out to look like the back of someone’s head makes her think it isn’t meant to be subtle at all.

Christen comes to stand next to her and as they both stare at it in silence Alex feels the routine fire start licking at her hands and if she stares at it long enough it kind of reminds her of when –

Christen clears her throat and Alex looks over. She thinks Christen might be having the same thought because she’s blushing, her light brown skin reddening as she turns away to walk to the next piece.

It makes Alex smirk, the reaction and the memory of dark hair between her thighs that first time.

She slowly follows after Christen, mind no longer on modern abstract art and more so drifting to memories of the team party and everything that happened after.

Alex couldn’t get enough. She still can’t.

Mostly it’s at her place, she’d say 98% of the time they’ve had sex it happens on some surface in her home. It’s addicting, how good it feels being with Christen. How good it feels to finally feel like she’s not hiding. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster still, but for different reasons.

Mostly because every little fucking thing they do now is foreplay.

They’re at a museum right now for crying out loud and Alex is thinking about Christen between her legs. It’s crazy because even their texts get her hot. Hot enough that when she’s out she ends up just picking the dark haired woman up wherever she is in LA to fill up that missing 2% of the time.

And don’t even get her started with when they train now. It’s a perk that it’s the off-season and they can leave the field whenever they want. Last time they didn’t even make it through her garage door, she just pushed Chris up against her BMW and dropped to her knees. They made it inside for the next few rounds for the sake of her kneecaps.

But despite all the sex they are having Alex still can’t seem to get her fill. She’d be slightly worried if she didn’t feel it was mutual. But she knows now that as friendly and quiet her best friend can be, when she wants something she goes after it and Alex is just glad she’s one of those things.

It still takes her by surprise sometimes.

Just last week when she was driving to drop Christen off after they went out with some of the girls for fro-yo, she told Alex to pull over, right in Beverly Hills mind you and barely ten minutes from the yogurt shop. But Alex still did as she was asked and with wall like hedges and gates in front of multi-million dollar homes on either side, Christen climbed over the center console, dropped Alex’s seat back a bit and fucked her hard and fast.

No prompt. Just three fingers and a rasp hot in her ear that she was driving too slow. Alex had to take a few minutes before starting her car again, watching as Christen leisurely moved back into the passenger seat.

Alex had never been so thankful for the tint in her windows until that moment.

She will say though, they’ve stuck to the "rules" pretty well. Taken the time to establish that not every single second has to be spent on top of each other, and Alex is thankful for at least Christen’s iron will.

And now that the cat’s out the bag – literally – when they hang out it’s like before. Maybe with just a little more touching, but no more looks of longing, no more mind and body fighting for dominance. They can just exist.

Alex knows it’s bound to end, casual can only be casual for so long especially when the person you’re sleeping with is your best friend.

But right now…right now, it’s really nice.

*/||\\*

Two days later Alex is hopping out of the Uber just a couple of blocks from the Stanford campus, Christen, Jaime, and Luke following out after her.

The deep sea of red in front of them contrasts harshly against the blue she’s sporting as well as Jaime and Luke. But she doesn’t mind it; Cal blue will always give her more comfort than cardinal red. Christen looks right at home though and they move easily through the campus to find the large area the Stanford Athletic Department has set up for the game.

Christen gets them all into the tailgate, free drink wristbands slapped haphazardly on. The party certainly isn’t up to Cal standards, but Alex will admit it’s fun.

Most of Christen’s old teammates are there and they question where Kelley and Ali are.

While Ali is back in New Zealand for the off-season, Kelley is with Liz in Canada, taking a vacation to celebrate the trade Kelley finally got finalized that lands her in D.C. with the Spirit.

So it’s just her, Christen and the boys this trip up to Palo Alto for the Cal-Stanford game for rivalry week. The Uber costs something astronomical but it’s better than someone not drinking so they can still stay at Jaime and Luke’s in SF comfortably.

After drinking enough Jack & cokes to combat the chill in the air, Christen’s showing Alex around the campus, pointing out buildings and pockets of the school where Christen built memories.

It shouldn’t be as cute as it is, it shouldn’t make Alex feel like she does. But she’s been wrong about quite a lot of things this past month so it’s not exactly surprising how Christen’s smile, her one handed gestures, the way she grips Alex’s arm after threading their arms together make her feel like she’s walking on fucking air.

They end up in the main quad on campus and Christen looks around before looking at Alex.

“So this is where I took most of my classes.” Christen points to a large square brick building.

“Looks very scholarly.”

There are still a lot of people walking around, some in tailgate attire, others, most likely students, with backpacks on looking barely relaxed.

Two people walk out of the building Christen just pointed at, and she grabs Alex’s hand.

“Come on.”

Christen seems to notice the ID scanner next to the door and she deflates after pulling on the handle to no avail. But then the door opens and they both take a small step back as a young woman walks out, holding the door for the two of them.

“Thanks.” Christen says happily and then she makes a sound of surprise once they’re inside, “Wow, they really renovated the place.”

“Yeah, it’s really nice.” And it is, dark wood floors, framed portraits and glass cases full of books and pictures. “Looks like they're using that donation money wisely.”

Christen laughs and then tugs on her hand, setting ofwf towards the stairs in front of them.

“Where are we going?” Alex questions and Christen looks over her shoulder.

“Not to the bathroom that’s for sure. I have other plans.”

And that’s how they end up having sex in an empty study room on the fourth floor of the Stanford Communications building.

Tragically, that’s the brightest spot of game day because Cal gets demolished by Stanford. It’s 41 – 17 at the end of the third quarter.

She’d probably care more if Kelley were there to rub it in their faces since Christen is way too posh to care about trash talking and American football.

Kelley does Facetime them, but the sting of the loss and Kelley’s victory cries lose steam because of the poor connection in the stadium. It’s still hilarious watching Jaime and Kelley yell back and forth at each other with it cutting out every other expletive. Even more hilarious is the fact that Kelley tries to make Christen chug the celebratory champagne Jaime ordered for the winners.

When they finally get back to the Mission District Alex is just sober enough to wonder what the rest of the night might entail.

Christen’s already under the covers by the time Alex gets out of the bathroom and she just stares as Alex considers whether or not to take the couch.

They can sleep in the same bed right?

Alex considers the fact that they already had sex today, so it’s kind of a benefits day. But no way is she having sex with Christen in Jaime and Luke’s guest room. She’s polite. Plus, they don’t share a bed anymore so maybe the couch _is_ her best bet right now.

“You’re thinking too hard.” Christen says.

“What?”

Christen pushes back the covers on the left side of the bed, “Get in.”

Alex runs a hand through her hair, “I don’t know, I just didn’t want to make it weird.”

“We’ve shared a bed before.”

“I know but not since we started you know –“ She waves a hand in between them.

“Are you having a hard time saying sex?” Christen mock whispers and Alex can’t help the grumbled huff that comes out as she climbs into the bed.

Christen’s obviously still drunk and playful and Alex feels her guard rise just a bit.

“No, I can say sex. I just didn’t want to make it seem like I expected anything.”

Christen smirks, “I’m not having sex with you right now Alex.”

“Oh.” Alex expels and Christen laughs.

“Today has been amazing, and yeah we kind of broke a rule earlier in the day –“

“Worth it.” Alex cuts in. Christen just smiles and Alex’s walls start to crack a bit.

“I just want to end tonight with my best friend, is that okay?”

“Of course that’s okay, Chris.”

Christen nods then pulls the covers up to get more comfortable.

Alex settles onto her back and stares up at the ceiling. It’s probably been only a couple seconds of silence before Christen’s voice breaks the air.

“So are you going to wear the Stanford shirt to the first preseason practice or are you treating Kelley to Mastro’s?”

Alex groans but she feels the happiness rise up through her, feels her guarded walls turn to dust and it feels like something close to peace.

*/||\\*

Alex wakes up early, the sun not even peaking over the clouds yet in the gloom of the Bay Area sky.

Christen’s still fast asleep, so Alex pads as quietly as she can out of the room and into the kitchen.

She needs coffee, preferably the expensive Italian kind that Jaime always has on hand. He’s bourgeois as hell and she silently celebrates when she sees the array of labeled tins on the countertop.

Alex measures out the appropriate amount of coffee grounds than hits the button on the coffee maker to start brewing. The sound the machine makes is music to her ears, mouth already starting to salivate as she turns on the electric kettle to heat some water.

“You’re looking especially peppy this morning Patty.”

Alex turns and sees Jaime moving into the open floor plan from the hallway. He looks tired, but at least he's alive after last night.

“I can’t say the same for you though Jay.” Alex responds and the machine behind her makes a beeping sound and she turns to pull her mug out.

“You know I’m half dead before coffee.” Jaime says, sitting down at one of the stools placed around the island. “But what’s got you all smiley? It’s like seven in the morning.”

Alex shrugs, “Can’t I just be happy?”

“Before coffee? No.” Jaime deadpans then narrows his eyes at her. Alex busies herself adding more coffee grounds for Jaime and when she hits the brew button again she hears a gasp.

“Did you get laid last night?”

Alex’s eyes widen and she feels her face heat up. She’s lucky her back is to him because she knows she looks guilty even though it isn’t true.

Technically she didn’t have sex _last night_ , it was in the afternoon, and when they got back to the tailgate Jaime was already two drinks past his limit so he didn’t even realize they had been gone all that long. And after they had gotten back last night, her and Christen really did just sleep. But she _had_ just woken up wrapped up in Christen, dark hair in her face, slim but toned arm around her waist, and breath hitting her neck rhythmically as Christen slept.

Jaime didn't need to know that though. 

Alex schools her expression and then turns, “No.”

Jaime visibly deflates but he has a confused look on his face like he's trying to figure something difficult out, “Damn, you just kind of have that freshly fucked air about you.”

Alex has no clue if said “freshly fucked” air contains what she’s feeling right now. Since her and Christen started sleeping together they haven’t shared a bed unless sex is involved and after they never stay over. While they do have sleepovers, it's strictly as friends and both of them have guest rooms so they fall asleep alone on those nights.

They’ve tried to keep the days clearly marked, but yesterday got a little messy. Not that Alex is complaining at all. But it still left her a little on edge yesterday and, while Christen made it obvious that there was no way that either of them were taking the couch when the big ass bed was there, it still left questions unanswered. However, the decision doesn’t change the fact that they had fallen asleep on opposite sides and then Alex woke up with Christen’s legs tangled with her own. And despite Alex being a pretty light sleeper, it happened in a way she didn't notice and she woke up feeling well rested. 

So maybe her “freshly fucked” face Jaime thinks he’s seeing isn’t that at all. Plus she’s gone to the bathroom after her and Christen have had sex and, to be honest, she usually looks stoned.

The coffee machine beeps again at the same time the kettle does. Alex turns to pass Jaime his mug first.

“Thank you.” He says, inhaling it before setting it down and sticking his face over it.

“You’re so weird.”

Jaime just grunts.

Alex turns back with a shake of her and opens the cabinets in search of tea. She finds some lemon and ginger tea bags, taking one to deposit into a mug of steaming water. She puts some honey in and then one sugar packet, stirring it and then grabbing both mugs.

When she turns around again Jaime’s staring at her and taking small sips of his coffee with a stranger than usual look on his face.

“Tea and coffee Patty? I didn’t know you enjoyed the watered down version of magic in a cup.”

Alex rolls her eyes, “It’s for Christen.”

Jaime smiles widely at her as she passes him, “Give her a kiss good morning for me will you?”

She would flip him off if both her hands weren’t full.

When she gets to the bedroom she pushes the slightly cracked door open with her toe and sees Christen sitting up in bed, one hand rubbing at her eyes as the other reaches for her glasses on the night stand.

“Good morning,” Christen greets, voice low and scratchy and Alex shouldn’t find it as attractive as she does.

“Hey.” She says, handing Christen the mug of tea.

The beaming smile she gets has Alex contemplating leaning forward and doing as Jaime requested but she stops herself.

“How’d you sleep?” Alex asks instead, getting comfortable against the headboard.

“Surprisingly good, considering all the champagne Luke and Jaime were handing me last night.”

Alex nods in understanding, not even feeling slightly bad that Christen was the only Stanford alum in attendance since Kelley was gone and therefore had to drink all the celebratory champagne. A bottle in though they all took pity on her and finished the rest of the stash together. By the time the game ended Christen and Jaime were drunk and her and Luke were tipsy enough to agree to the idea of meeting up with Christen’s old soccer teammates and some of her sorority sisters.

Alex can't really believe she had as much fun as she did but at least she can now say that people who go to Stanford are only mildly irritating once they’re ten years out – minus Kelley.

“Are you two decent?” Jaime's voice sounds just outside the door.

Alex rolls her eyes because it’s barely been five minutes, “Yeah, Jay, come in.”

Jaime peaks around the door and then walks fully in, laying across the foot of the bed to stare up at them.

He looks like the cat who just ate the canary and Alex braces for whatever he’s about to say.

“So breakfast before I take Patty to the airport?”

Alex sighs in mild relief and then nods remembering that she’s flying east to NYC for a week long shoot with Nike.

She’s not ecstatic about spending Thanksgiving in New York, her mother even less so. But the Nike endorsement isn’t something she can back out of and at least her Mom’s family is close by in Massachusetts so she’ll be driving up to spend the day with her grandma and cousins.

Christen’s staying a day longer with Jaime and Luke to meet up with her college friends again in the city before flying back down to LA.

“Alright, no more cuddling or whatever you two were doing in here. I need sustenance.” Jaime stands then throws a wink at Alex. Luckily, Christen’s too immersed in her tea to notice.

Still.

Asshole.

*/||\\*

Flying always takes a lot out of Alex.

The flight from JFK to LAX makes her wish that she hadn’t had that glass of wine in the Delta lounge before the flight because her head pounds steadily with the hum of the plane engines and the seatbelt sign turning on and off.

When they finally land in LA, her headache has turned into bleak grogginess thanks to three Advil and a cruising altitude of 37,000 feet.

Getting off the plane is literally the worst part, even in first class people act as if they have never flown before and move as slow as molasses. Once Alex has finally collected her bag from baggage claim she walks out onto the sidewalk and sees Blue’s head peeking in and out the slightly open window of a black BMW.

He starts going crazy in the back seat when he spots her and his excitement makes her a little less annoyed. She loads her bags into the trunk and then slips into the passenger seat.

“Hey stranger.” Christen’s smiles and the last bit of annoyance slips off.

“Hi.” She yawns and Christen leans over for a hug that leaves Alex warm enough for her eyes to shut easily on the ride despite Blue trying to climb over the center console every couple of minutes.

She gets lightly shaken awake when they’re outside her garage. Christen gets out of the car to put in the code and the garage is open by the time Alex has her suitcase out of the trunk and Blue’s bag across her chest.

Alex watches Christen lean down and give Blue a kiss on top of his head and a ruffle behind his ears.

“You’re not coming in?” Alex doesn’t mean for the words to come out as sad as they do.

Christen shakes her head, “Promise me, you’ll get some rest”

Alex can only nod.

“I’ll see you tomorrow okay?” Christen says, squeezing her hand knowingly before slipping back into her car.

Alex feels the pinch form in between her eyebrows. She’s not pouting – she’s not. She knows she looks like shit, she knows she smells like recycled stale air, and she knows she’s too tired to really consider not just falling face first onto her bed. But fuck, it’s been a week and she just wants to be under Christen.

Or over her.

She honestly doesn’t care.

But they don’t do that. Sleepovers. Well the kind of sleepover Alex yearns for right now. So she just sighs and Christen gives her a little smile before Alex turns and walks to her door.

She needs to get a grip. 

Once she hears Christen’s car pull out of the alleyway she closes the garage and unlocks her door. Blue runs in before Alex can even get her suitcase over the threshold and her legs are on autopilot after that. 

She showers trying not to fall asleep standing up and then curls under the covers. It’s barely eight o’ clock but she settles in and Blue comes bounding onto her bed. She’s out before he even gets comfortable.

Hours later, Christen keeps her word, and Alex keeps hers.

So here they are, Christen perched on Alex’s lap, head back and hips moving with a rhythm that shouldn’t be as practiced as it is.

But like their friendship, the sex, the way they fit, it comes naturally.

She’s thought about this more times than she can count this last week. Christen on top, riding her fingers, nails digging deliciously into her shoulder blades as she holds on. Her daydreams have nothing on reality though, and Christen’s body on top of her feels so much better than anything her hands can do.

Alex leans in, taking a nipple into her mouth and sucking, calming it with her tongue as Christen moans softly in her ear and then pushes Alex back into the pillows splayed up against her headboard.

She goes to lean forward again but Christen’s hand on her chest is sturdy and then Christen’s leaning back, hair wild as she braces her hands on both of Alex’s thighs and her hips start to move in sure circles. Chasing, chasing, and chasing until Alex realizes the visual is all for her.

“Fuck.” She breathes out somewhere between watching Christen ride to release on her fingers and bringing her thumb up to draw out another orgasm on Christen’s clit.

After, green eyes open slowly and Christen leans forward to kiss her, tongues stroking easily against each other and the room is too hot for Alex to even think about finesse. She’s breathing heavily by the time Christen’s hand makes it way in between them.

She finishes embarrassingly fast, and it’s a combination of a couple of things: the fact that for the last month she’s had sex at least three times a week with Christen and then was out of town for a whole week with nothing but her memories and her hand, combined with the fact that just minutes before (seconds ago really) Alex witnessed the single hottest thing she thinks she’s ever seen in life. She won’t be able to see anything else for a while. So as she breathes out sharply against Christen’s mouth she tries to get her bearings.

“You okay?” Christen asks softly. 

Alex swallows, the buzzing of every nerve ending in her body still loud enough for the subtle way Christen adjusts on her lap to get her wet again.

“Just give me a second.” Alex says eyes closing and forehead falling to Christen’s chest.

She hears Christen giggle and then fingers are moving into her hair, massaging lightly and it would probably put her to sleep if Christen wasn’t naked on top of her. She takes the feeling in stride and feels her energy shoot back up. She feels like she could go all night. She wants to, needs to.

Alex places a light kiss just above Christen’s heart then looks up. Green eyes are still dark, pink lips plump and wet and Alex tips forward to taste them again.

It turns hot quickly and Alex pulls Christen into her again, hands firmly on her ass before flipping Christen onto her back and grinding down into wet heat.

She feels consumed as they kiss and move together, as hands grip her back to keep her in place. Alex feels like she’s burning, like fire is surrounding her and she has nowhere to go.

It's never been like this before. She's _never_ been this turned on.

She was married for almost six years, had been with Serv for practically a decade and it was never like this.

Alex never craved sex with someone before, never craved being with someone, being inside someone, the way she craves Christen.

She’d call Christen rude because of the thought alone. And really, it’s downright disrespectful how easily Christen has Alex slick and shaking without really even touching her.

The realization has knocked Alex on her ass enough times the last month for an angry bruise to form, but it doesn’t bother her enough to stop this. It honestly has made her even more determined to not be steaming in this hot puddle alone.

So that’s why she’s crawling down Christen’s body, leaving a wet trail of kisses (maybe bruises because her ego is still a problem), and eating Christen out until she’s almost crying and pushing Alex’s head away.

It’s a marathon not a sprint after that and Alex feels her eyes just starting to close when Christen moves out from under her arm.

It’s dark in the room now, the hours passing easily and Alex can see Christen’s head moving from side to side probably in search of her clothes.

“I’m going to go,” Christen’s voices softly. “I have an early yoga session at the beach in the morning.”

Alex tries to stop the seize in her chest that comes with the thought of her leaving.

Everything feels heavy, like she’s underwater, but she knows she doesn’t want her to go. Even though, they don’t do this, even though they’ve been sticking to the no sleepover rule on benefit nights, she doesn’t want Christen to leave.

And honestly, fuck that, Alex thinks, she just wants her here. One night won’t hurt.

“Or – “ She reaches her arm out just as Christen moves to stand up. “Or you could just stay.”

She can’t really see Christen’s face as she turns towards her, but she feels the questioning look. Alex decides to just go for it, turning onto her side so she can reach out and wrap her arm more fully around Christen’s waist before pulling her back into the warmth that encompassed them a couple minutes before.

Christen doesn’t resist, instead adjusting so she’s lying on her side too.

“I’ll drive you in the morning.” Alex whispers, their faces close now so she can see the bright green of Christen’s eyes. “You can use my yoga mat.”

Christen stares at her, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth and Alex’s eyes drift so easily there.

“Okay,” Christen’s voice is soft and if Alex leans forward to place a kiss on her lips it’s because she’s obviously delirious. Christen kisses her back though, and Alex moves on top of her, wanting to feel her again.

Their skin to skin, breasts, hips, and thighs connected and Alex demands more. When Christen’s hand weaves into her hair she hopes the other woman really wants to stay.

Alex pulls back to see. Just to confirm even though Christen already said so.

Long lashes flutter open and Christen’s hair is fanned out. Her lips are still swollen and red and it wrecks her.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Once the words are out of Alex's mouth she doesn’t wait for a response. She kisses Christen how she wants to, like there’s no one else who can make her feel like this, and then she makes enough space to slide her hand between them and explore.

The hand in her hair tightens and if she could speak she might say more. There’s no use though because there’s no way she’s going to detach from Christen's mouth.

Alex decides right then, as she enters Christen slowly, that if she’s going to break the rules for a night she might as well break every single one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient for this one. Might have to exercise the same level of patience for the next few chapters too. But as always, let me know what you guys think!
> 
> Still have a ways to go until the end!
> 
> Update: Just re-uploading after fixing a few things.


	24. December 2021

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Had a feeling we would take it this far."  
> 
> 
> "When you kissed me in your car."  
> 
> 
> \- Victoria Monet, _Touch Me_

_The end of December_

Christen wakes up before the sun does the job for her.

Her room is dark, no real light peaking in, and she glances over at the clock on her nightstand.

4:57.

She has time.

Time to make coffee, time to change into something warmer than what she’s currently _not_ wearing, and time to let her eyes adjust and take everything in.

Take in Alex’s arm secured strongly around her waist, keeping Christen cocooned against Alex’s front. Christen can feel every single one of Alex’s breaths, can feel her bare breasts pressed up against her back, can feel every subtle shift as Alex sleeps deeply.

Christen doesn’t exactly _want_ to move, she’s comfortable in this position. Has been now for the past month. But she needs to pee, and get some clothes on.

She moves slowly, pulling the arm up that’s wrapped around her waist and sliding out from under it. Christen quickly replaces her body with a pillow and even in the dark she can see that she hasn’t woken Alex.

Christen shivers slightly as she quietly pads to her bathroom, the coldness of the hardwood under only one of her feet making her realize that the only clothing she’s wearing is a sock.

How inconvenient. One _freaking_ sock.

Obviously, she hadn’t cared last night, too caught up in other things to notice she still had her sock on.

It had started as a quiet night in, _Grey’s Anatomy_ on as her and Alex ate Chinese take out from down the street. Soon, the containers were empty, forgotten on her coffee table as clothes left a telling trail on the journey up to her room.

Christen supposes that for a Tuesday night it was pretty eventful. She feels content, happy to be awake before the world around her bursts to life.

After relieving herself, washing her face and brushing her teeth, Christen dons a large sweatshirt and sweatpants then pushes her balcony door open and takes a seat.

It’s still dark, the street lights illuminating the quietness below and the waves in the distance. It takes her a moment to center herself but she slips into the quietness of her mind easily, a Wednesday morning meditation all but necessary.

Christen has no idea how much time passes, but the sun starts to rise, bathing her face in warmth.

“I’m supposed to wake up before you.”

Christen turns her head at the sound of Alex’s voice and with the way that the sun is brightening up the sky, Alex’s eyes look bluer than the ocean in front of Christen.

“I wanted to enjoy the morning starting.” Christen explains, voice scratchy from not speaking up until this point.

Alex makes a humming sound and takes a few steps towards her, “Happy Birthday Chris.”

Christen thinks Alex is going to lean down but instead she just takes a seat next to her. She tries not to let the disappointment show on her face.

“Thank you.”

They sit in silence for a bit, watching the birds pass overhead and the waves crash into the sand, but then Alex turns towards her.

“So, as you know, I can make a pretty mean chocolate chip pancake. Brunch isn’t until 11:30, so do you want something now?”

“Is it still considered brunch if it’s not the weekend?”

“That’s a very important question. Should I call Mark and ask him?”

Christen chuckles and shakes her head, thinking of the manager at Gracias Madre who had become a good friend due to how many times a month they frequented the restaurant.

“He’s going to say brunch is whenever you want it to be.”

“I think he’s probably right.” Alex stands and reaches a hand out. “How about it, birthday girl?”

Christen smiles up at Alex, at the way that some things feel so easy, at the way Alex intertwines their fingers as Christen slides her hand into Alex’s outstretched one.

“I could go for pancakes.”

*/||\\*

Christen sighs, leaning back in her chair and staring down at her plate, sticky with syrup and only a couple pieces of fruit left to be consumed. She’s too full though and she needs to have enough time to digest so she can enjoy her birthday brunch in a couple of hours. So she makes no motion to stop Alex as she reaches over to steal the last two strawberries from her plate.

“So – ,” Alex drags the word out after she swallows, giving Christen a pointed look.

“So?”

“So,” Alex stands and moves back into the kitchen, pulling open one of the cabinets and reaching up to pull down a large nicely wrapped gift. “I wanted to give you your gift before brunch.”

Christen laughs as Alex sets the box in front of her on the table. “Did you hide a gift for me in my own cabinet?”

Alex shrugs and sits back down, “You know you never look in that cabinet, it’s the perfect spot.”

Christen hates to admit but she’s right.

It’s the cabinet on the end, one Christen keeps random extra pots and dishes in she’s collected over time that she once thought would be useful but in the end she could never bring herself to actually cook with – like the one egg frying pan. Christen thought it would be a staple in her kitchen, a little piece of egg heaven since she lived alone but once she tried it out and it barely fit on her stove, it found it’s place in her top left cabinet.

Christen refocuses back on the task at hand. She pulls the black bow off, taking time to unwrap the neatly folded matching black wrapping paper.

“I hope you like it.” Alex says quietly once she’s got the whole thing undone.

Christen can’t tell what it is yet, the box is bare. She lifts the lid and inside are two tissue wrapped objects.

“Open the big one first.”

Christen nods at Alex’s words and she doesn’t know why she’s suddenly feeling nervous but the feeling washes over her as she pulls out the tissue wrapped rectangle. It’s heavy and Christen assumes it’s a book.

There's a small blue sticker holding the tissue paper in place. She doesn’t recognize the name and she makes sure to not rip it so she can check out the company later.

The tissue opens easily and she’s not at all expecting what she sees.

It is in fact a book. A photo book, to be more precise, with a large picture of her Mom on the cover.

It’s one of Christen’s favorite pictures of her Mom, a wide smile on her face and the wind trying to whip her hat off as her Dad snapped a picture of them while they were at Niagara Falls, pre children. The bottom has a gold script written in elegant cursive, “Our Years With You”.

Christen feels the tears well up in her eyes as she opens the book, staring down at the glossy pages of pictures of her Mom. Some she’s seen, others she hasn’t and goodness it makes her miss her even more than she already does.

She feels the tears leaving wet trails on her cheeks and she brings her hand to her mouth to stop the unexpected sound threatening to spill out before looking up at Alex, “When did you even make this?”

“I had help. Your sisters, your dad, your grandma all sent me the photos. Franny and I found a woman who makes these custom albums. She’s based in Seattle so Megan helped too.” Alex pauses and worries her bottom lip in between her teeth. “Do you like it?”

“Alex, I love it.” Christen shakes her head, not quite believing how thoughtful her best friend is. Not quite able to verbalize how much this gift means to her. “Thank you.”

Alex passes her some tissues and Christen dabs at her face. Goodness, she probably looks a mess.

“You forgot one more thing.” Alex says, nodding at the open box.

Christen sets the photo book down and reaches in to pull out a smaller similarly wrapped thin square.

She pulls the tissue paper apart with the same care and finds that it’s a CD. Same title on the cover as the book and Christen knows there are most likely videos on there. She doesn’t say anything, just puts the CD down and reaches out for Alex.

They come together in a tight hug, pulling somewhat awkwardly at each other since they’re both sitting down but Christen doesn’t care. It’s safe and warm and it’s Alex.

“Happy Birthday Chris.” She feels the words whispered into her hair and she tries to stop the tears from streaming down because it feels like even though it’s another birthday she’s celebrating without her mom physically, she feels her around her.

Christen spends the most of the morning looking through the book, telling Alex snippets of things she can remember from pictures she recognizes. She then spends an hour watching the accompanied video, a whole compilation of home videos her Dad and Grandma no doubt sent to Alex. It’s beautiful and thoughtful and Christen cries.

Tears of happiness, not sadness, because it’s fulfilling to see her Mom how she remembers her and not how she was her last year. She was vibrant, loving, full of laughter, and so compassionate it shines through the home videos where she can hear her Dad’s heavy laughter in the background.

They have to somewhat rush to brunch because she was so consumed by the album and videos. But they pick up Franny along the way and Christen can't help but thank her other closest friend for the thoughtful gift. 

It’s by far her favorite gift – not that she’s ranking them or anything. She’s thankful that her friends are just all here, and the laughter and the shouting that comes when Christen starts opening cards and gifts has her feeling grateful to have friends like the one’s surrounding her. All of them talking over each other and drinking mimosas on a Wednesday at Christen’s favorite restaurant.

And it’s been a while since they’ve all been in one place like this.

Christen can see Kelley, Liz, Mal, Luke and Rose in an animated conversation, no doubt retelling some crazy story about life in DC. Tobin, Dream, Alyssa, and Ash are all to Christen’s left laughing about some story Dream and Ash are going back and forth about. To Christen’s right Pinoe, Sue, Ali, and Franny are talking about Ali’s pregnancy and Pinoe and Sue’s wedding plans. Then down on the opposite side of the table sit Kling, Lee, Dom, her sisters, and then all her teammates.

It's like a long list of her favorite people and it’s a loud affair, but Christen’s feeling especially full.

She’s sitting back and watching all her friends laugh and catch up when Christen catches Alex’s eye, she’s sitting next to Syd and Jaime across from Christen.

Christen thinks Alex is going to say something, but she doesn’t, instead half listening to what Jaime is saying. It isn’t until Luke calls Alex’s name that they break their unofficial staring match and Christen releases the breath she had no idea she was holding.

It's then that she realizes that it feels heavy sometimes, the weight of Alex’s gaze. It joins in with the weight in her chest and causes her skin to goosebump. The weight of it all follows Christen all the way to New Year’s Eve. Everyone is packed in Alex’s house, dressed up, drinking champagne, and reminiscing on another year that’s passed.

Christen’s ruminating on things like she often does. She tries not to but sometimes she can’t help it because as a reflective person her mind is constantly moving, analyzing, contemplating.

On tonight’s agenda is figuring out a timeline.

It’s difficult though because Christen can’t exactly say when it started – the heaviness.

But it comes whenever they’re out with other people, especially in situations where they have to act like they are only best friends. When they have to act like spending New Years wrapped up in each other, as 2021 turns into 2022, isn’t something either of them even considers. And well, Christen can't speak for Alex but she knows a small part of her considered it. But another, the more rational part knew that keeping the door shut on that is for the best right now.

It’s difficult for her though, to keep opening and shutting the door. It’s only been really two months. Two months since they started sleeping together consistently. But they have been living in this grey space for a month now. Ground rules broken every time they share a bed after they have sex, every time they kiss on days that are meant to be friend ones. Even when the kisses lead nowhere, just a settling motion between them, the grey area grows. 

They don’t talk about it, what they are. But they’re _something_. Something very fragile, something Christen is confused to why she’s so scared to even breach the subject of. It feels like they’ve been in this grey space for years, and it’s only really been a month. 

Some days are difficult - door shutting and all. But others, others are completely normal. They’re friends. They go and get their nails done, get coffee in the morning after training, they go to dinner, drink wine, talk about nonsensical things because they already spend most of their days together. Those days are filled with hours with friends too, Franny coming over to bake, days spent at the beach with their teammates and the LAFC guys, Saturday nights in Hollywood lounges and hidden celebrity speakeasy’s Christen really has no business in. 

And then nights like this make Christen wish she meditated longer this morning, because it’s much more noticeable now. What Alex’s touches mean, what her own body’s response tells her, what the look in her eyes screams at Christen even from across the room. 

Nights like this are hard. Made even harder because against her better judgment she’s okay with it all. Although she’s made a promise of honesty to Alex, and the other woman made one in return, she’s okay with the secrecy. She’s okay keeping her feelings close to the chest because she hasn’t even really confronted them. Because to be fair, if she hasn’t invested in understanding her feelings yet there was no use bringing it up to Alex. 

But there’s also a slight fear there. Sometimes it’s all consuming.

The fear of rejection, of not being good enough for people to know, the fear that comes with her private life being so public. All of those fears come with Alex. As much as Christen hates to admit, she might not be ready to confront how she’s feeling. She’s enjoying the company, the deeper connection they’ve grown to have through sex, but she’s not ready for everything. She’s not ready to tackle everything that comes with Alex. And for everything she's thinking about right now she still has no idea when this heaviness began to settle around her.

Another mind boggling bust.

Christen takes a look around Alex’s backyard. She’s glad this year was a smaller New Year’s affair, just her closest friends who stayed in LA following her birthday. Pinoe, Sue, Ali, Ash, Syd, Alyssa, Franny, Dream, some of her teammates, Lee and some of the boys, Tobin, Kling, Jaime and Luke.

“You look like you need a drink.” 

Christen turns at Tobin’s voice, accepting the glass of champagne Tobin has extended to her. 

“Thank you,” Christen says quietly as Tobin sits down next to her on the low brick wall next to the outdoor fireplace. 

She takes a small sip then turns to Tobin, “What gave me away?” 

Tobin laughs, and it’s light and passes no judgment over her. “I know that look, you’re overthinking something.” 

Christen hums, acknowledging Tobin’s observation but not saying anything more. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Did she want to talk about her friends with benefits relationship with Alex with Tobin?

No.

Did she want to talk about her growing insecurities with someone who once knew every single one of them?

No.

Did she want to talk about it with _someone_?

Yes.

But certainly not Tobin.

It’s not that she didn’t trust Tobin or her advice, they were friends after all, and their relationship has been over for three years. But she’s still her ex-girlfriend. She’s still someone who has played a significant role in Christen’s sense of self in a relationship, still someone Christen wonders about sometimes in moments like this. “What if” moments that seem like she’s going down Alice’s rabbit hole. But she won’t put Tobin or herself in that position.

Tobin’s ever only shared bits about her new relationship. And Christen’s never shared with Tobin anything since they’ve broken up in terms of who she is seeing. Not that there is much to tell. Plus, when Pinoe spilled the beans about her date with Sophia during one of their re-inc Zoom meetings, Tobin looked so surprised and slightly off put that Christen didn’t even want to think about broaching the subject of Alex. It’s uncomfortable as is and she’s not sure how Tobin would react to the news that she’s sleeping with Alex.

She really should talk to one of her friends though. They’re all here. And she’s sure with the looks Pinoe gives her when she’s with Alex, that her friend has some clue. Dream of course knows something is going on, but not the extent of it. But talking about it tonight is too much and too soon. 

Christen sighs internally; she’ll just keep this to herself. 

“Chris?” 

Christen blinks, taking a moment to leave the recesses of her mind and actually answer Tobin’s question. 

“Sorry,” She appeases and tries a smile over the disjointedness she’s feeling. “I’m okay, really.” 

Tobin nods, never one to push. That was always Christen’s role.

They sit in comfortable silence for a couple minutes. Watching as their friends walk in and out of Alex’s back door with more alcohol and food. It’s still thirty minutes before midnight but it feels like the night is just getting started. 

“So, who do you think is tapping out first?” Tobin asks. 

Christen takes a look around then laughs, “Alyssa for sure.” 

She watches the goalkeeper observing, as she always does, Ashlyn and Syd go back and forth, beer bottle probably warming in her hand. They all certainly aren’t in their twenties anymore and tapping out is usually from tiredness setting in after a couple sips of alcohol.

“You’re totally wrong, check Ali.” Tobin whispers and nods her head to where Ali is standing with her head on Dream’s shoulder, her stomach just barely starting to show the baby growing in there. 

She looks like she’s fighting keeping her eyes open and Christen knows that once 12:05 rolls around, Ali will be inside on one of the couches taking a nap. 

“Damn.” Christen laughs and Tobin does too. And they play that game for a while and it’s nice because Christen’s able to enjoy the moment. Enjoy the fact that all her closest friends are in one place, all there to celebrate another year together. 

Christen’s still laughing when Pinoe walks over. 

“Ten minutes left in 2021 kids. How are you feeling?” 

“Not as good as you, obviously.” Tobin says then stands up, shaking her empty bottle. “I’m going to get another beer, you guys want anything?”

“No thanks.” Christen answers and lifts up her half full glass of champagne. 

“Just grab me whatever you get Toby.” Pinoe says and Tobin nods with a slight smile then walks away. 

Pinoe sits down in the spot Tobin just vacated and bumps shoulders with Christen. 

“Any resolutions CP?”

Christen has no idea what 2022 will have in store for her, but she has some hopes. More nights like this for one.

Christen shrugs leaning into Pinoe for comfort, “Win the NWSL Cup.”

“In my last year babygirl? That’s rude.”

“Can’t make it easy on you.”

“But I’m old. You’re meant to respect you elders.”

“Yeah, so when we respectfully beat you, you can’t say anything.”

Pinoe throws her head back and laughs, the burst emotion shaking the both of them. 

Tobin comes back then, handing Pinoe a bottle of some craft beer and then walking away to join Alyssa and Kling over by Alex’s outdoor projector that has the Time Square ball drop on.

It’s four minutes till and Christen has always found the tradition of kissing someone at midnight unnecessary. Not that she doesn’t enjoy ringing in the New Year like that but now she feels slightly miffed because she can’t actually kiss the person she wants to.

Well she _could_. But that’s not what they do. They’re friends. They’re friends who sleep together privately, but publicly that’s all they are, friends.

So Christen just glances over at Alex as she talks to Luke and Jaime, and she wants to walk over there but she can’t bring herself to stand. When she turns back to Megan, her friend has an almost sympathetic look on her face.

“Be careful, okay?”

Christen takes a deep breath and nods, aware of what Pinoe is saying. But despite the cautionary words, Christen knows she’s already blown past the blinking red lights and signage indicating danger ahead.

“Have you seen my wife?” Pinoe asks her, standing up and looking around. Christen doesn’t even care to correct the fact that Sue and Pinoe’s wedding isn’t until February.

Before Christen can answer her question, Jaime materializes out of nowhere and beats her to it.

“Inside, you better be quick. You know people love athletes these days.” Jaime says and Pinoe drops and kiss on Christen's head before turning to go find Sue.

Jaime then grabs onto Christen’s hand and pulls her up.

“I for one love athletes. And I’m hoping to kiss one as the clock strikes twelve.”

Christen laughs because goodness Jaime is crazy. But she knows why he’s over here with her. She knows deep down what it means, and when she turns her head, Alex is already looking at her, soft smile on her face.

Christen smiles back.

“I mean technically we are already Eskimo sisters. Wait siblings?” Jaime says then pauses, “I don’t know, whatever. But anyway, I want the real thing babe.”

Christen laughs again, because of course Jaime knows. She takes another glance over, looking at Jaime’s boyfriend who is pulling Alex into a tight hug as they both laugh at something Christen’s way to far away from to hear.

“What about Luke?”

“Luke get’s to kiss these lips everyday, so he’s fine.”

Everyone starts counting down and the ball in NYC sparkles against the white backdrop of the projection screen.

“Get ready to see stars Princess.” Jaime says and Christen just shakes her head at her friend’s antics.

“You’re ego gets bigger and bigger the longer you stay in LA.”

“I know; it’s really starting to get heavy.”

When the cheers ring out and the ball finally drops, Christen’s kissing a man for the first time in years and really she’s just happy to have the friends that she does.

*/||\\*

An hour later everyone is starting to disperse. Leaving Alex’s for their airbnbs, hotels, or homes. Christen’s in the kitchen, wrapping up some of the trays of food.

“You want to jump in the Uber with us Cap?” Jill asks as Shannon holds up a barely awake Nichelle.

“You guys go ahead, I’m going to stay here and help clean up.”

Jill gives her a salute, “Aye aye captain.”

“Make sure you text in the group chat when you get home, okay?”

“Kay,” Shannon says and they make their way out of the kitchen. Christen hears a “Bye Mom” thrown in there somewhere as she refocuses on her task.

Alex walks in a couple minutes later, full trash bag in hand clinking loudly, most likely from all the bottles inside.

“You don’t have to do all that,”Alex says and Christen just gives her a knowing look because if there’s one thing Christen’s going to do at a party, especially a friend’s party, it was clean.

“Okay, I won’t say anything more,” Alex appeases, depositing some of the empty champagne bottles into the trash bag.

They move around each other silently and Christen can still hear the sounds of some of their friends hanging out.

She covers the last tray of BBQ chicken and realizes there are way too many left overs for just Alex’s house. Only Jaime and Luke were staying over and although those two ate like sixteen-year-old boys, they were pretty healthy eaters, green drink in the morning Bay Area types.

“I’m going to see if any of the boys are still here and want to take some food.”

Alex nods and ties off the trash bag, “Okay, I’ll take you home whenever you’re ready.”

Christen grabs the trays of chicken and walks out of the kitchen in search of the carnivores and once her hands are empty the rest of the house is mostly too.

Jaime and Luke are in the backyard, huddled close together by the fireplace, heads bent and talking.

Christen gathers her stuff after wiping down the kitchen countertops and she’s pretty impressed. The house doesn’t even look like a New Year’s party just occurred.

“Ready?” Alex asks and Christen nods then heads out into the backyard.

“Okay, bye guys, Alex is going to drop me home.” She says to Jaime and Luke.

“Aw you’re not staying?” Jaime asks and gives her and Alex an almost confused look. “I wanted to replay the ball drop again for us all.”

Christen just smiles up at them, “I’ll see you two tomorrow.”

Luke pulls her into a hug, murmuring “Happy New Year” and when she pulls away Jaime then does the same.

Christen tries not to think about the pointed look she catches Jaime giving Alex and walks back inside and to Alex’s car.

Twenty minutes and an oddly silent ride later, Alex is rolling to a stop in front of her garage, engine idling and hands still on the wheel.

Christen feels the question bubble up before she can stop it, “Are you coming in?”

Alex purses her lips, dropping her hands from the steering wheel and looking over at Christen.

“Do you want me to?”

Christen pauses, surprised to hear the sound of hesitation in Alex’s voice. She has no idea what it means, why she suddenly sounds unsure. Has no idea why the ride to her house was so quiet. But what she does know is that she wants Alex to stay.

So Christen does what she thinks will give Alex enough information about how sure she is. She leans forward, connecting their lips lightly. “I do,” Christen says, and accepts the kiss that Alex gives her in return.

“Happy New Year.” She whispers between them because she hasn’t even told Alex that yet.

“Happy New Year, Chris.” Alex whispers back against her lips and Christen takes that as a sign that Alex is indeed staying. So, she hops out of the car and moves quickly to open her garage.

She feels the heat move through her swiftly as excitement for what’s to come replaces the restlessness from earlier. It’s like whiplash, the doubt from earlier being replaced with such certitude that as Alex closes her car door and walks over to Christen she doesn’t miss a beat.

Christen hits the button to close the garage then moves her hands up to frame Alex’s face.

Strong arms wrap around her waist and then they’re kissing. It’s so practiced now, that they move in sync, no awkwardness, no hesitation. It’s with a sureness that Alex’s tongue enters her mouth. The same sureness Christen feels when Alex backs her up into the wall by her back door after they work the door open and she stumbles backwards inside. The same sureness Christen burns with as Alex grabs her thighs and picks her up, back braced against the wall as they grind into each other. The same sureness that causes their kisses to make her dizzy.

Alex pulls back from the kiss and drops Christen’s legs back on the ground before taking a small step back.

“I’ve been thinking about this all night.” Alex breathes out quietly, eyes on Christen’s lips and hands moving slowly up her sides.

She can’t help but lean into Alex and the admission burns a fire through Christen’s bones. She feels the weight in her chest expand out like a bubble trying to encompass Alex within it.

It still surprises her, Alex admitting she wants her that she thinks about her just as much as Christen does, even after the last couple of weeks tangled up in each other on most nights. It at least brings her some comfort.

A comfort that distracts her from the fact that Alex’s hands are charting a path up her sides and around her back.

“How the hell do you get your dress off?” The younger brunette almost whines.

Christen’s hands are still framing Alex’s face and she moves them to tangle in loose curls that are falling into waves now that the night’s over.

The motion causes Alex to look up from her quest to get Christen out of her gold wrap dress and when they finally lock eyes they both dissolve into a fit of giggles.

The playfulness between them is another comfort that makes Christen believe their friendship can withstand what’s to come.

When their laughter finally dies down, Christen moves Alex’s hand that’s on her waist up slightly to where the zipper of her dress is, hidden beneath the wrapped material holding up the top half of her dress.

Christen leans up and kisses Alex softly before pulling back and smiling, “I think you’ll figure it out.”

She then takes a step out of Alex’s grasp and starts walking towards her stairs. She suddenly feels powerful, the burning of Alex’s gaze filling her up and waking her from hibernation. The heaviness of it all means something completely different now than before.

And Christen knows she looks good, her hair is down, curls large and wild down her back, and the gold of her dress standing out against the deep tan she’s gotten being outside training most days in the LA sun.

When Christen hits the first step she chances a looks back and Alex is still standing in the hallway, head turned like she’s stuck watching Christen walk away.

Christen turns and leans against the railing of the staircase, “Coming?”

The question propels Alex into motion and Christen laughs as the woman stumbles into her and they climb the stairs up to Christen’s room.

Alex does in fact get Christen’s dress off, needing no further guidance. She only stares for a second at the matching black lace set Christen’s wearing before peeling that off too and then the night progresses as most of their “benefits” nights do.

Alex is on top, then Christen, then they’re side by side and Christen can’t keep her eyes open as they cum together. She’s not quiet as Alex whispers words of encouragement into her neck after turning her around so her back is flush against Alex’s front and she takes her like that. Christen relishes in the harsh tug of her hair as she goes down on Alex, having learned exactly how to get Alex to reach her climax with a few well thought strokes of her tongue.

They don’t fight for dominance as they take turns.

It’s more like a relinquishment of power and the trust she gives and then receives isn’t lost on her as her bedroom fills with sounds of them reaching release well through the early morning hours of 2022.

Christen finally taps out somewhere between Alex pulling her to the end of the bed, still stuck on Christen’s admitted fantasy, and laughing through an unexpected (sixth or seventh? She has no real clue) orgasm after they knock heads.

Her bedroom is still dark, but some moonlight streams in from the window and her eyes have had enough time to adjust to see everything clearly.

She’s trying to catch her breath, each exhale caught by an almost cackle. Goodness, she’s happy even if her head is still throbbing.

Christen feels the shift in the bed and a gentle hand comes up to rub across her forehead.

“Brain still working?” Alex asks and Christen turns on her side so they are face to face.

Alex has a smile on her face and her eyes dance with laughter and Christen thinks that they’ve really gotten themselves into a mess.

Christen shivers as the air kicks on, “I’d hope so.”

Alex looks beautiful like this. Hair mused from Christen’s hands, lips red and swollen, and a contemplative yet teasing look in her eyes.

“What’s the square root of 69?”

Christen’s head throbs a little less as she laughs, “You better not quote Drake right now.”

Alex sighs like she’s happy with Christen’s response, “I think you’re mind is pretty sound. Anybody in their right mind would know the answer is eight something.”

Christen laughs again then just buries her head more into the pillow, not moving as Alex reaches down and pulls up the sheets twisted at the bottom of the bed over them both.

The silence that follows is comfortable as Alex lies back down. Christen’s body is tired but she doesn’t feel the pull of sleep. So they just stay like that. And she doesn’t find it weird at all that they are still awake, face-to-face after rounds and rounds of sex and not speaking a word anymore.

It’s in moments like this where Christen finds her thoughts drifting again to things she should really start to verbalize.

Things like the fact that she’s having more sex than she really ever has.

In college, she only had one serious boyfriend and that didn’t last more than a year. Then she started sleeping with Kelley but that was more so a stress thing, nothing consistent, just a hook-up when either of them felt compelled. Christen was so tightly wound in college that after Kelley graduated her last year was filled with somewhat of the same routine. Nothing serious, just people she felt comfortable enough with to let out some of the stress she held within herself.

Then with Vero and Olivia, both of those relationships were so intertwined in her finding her footing in soccer that sex had almost been an afterthought. She learned a lot in both of those relationships, but it was more about the ease of being with the person than the physical aspect of it.

With Tobin, that had changed. They would see each other so rarely throughout the year and when they did they almost never left the bed. When they started spending the off seasons together, it was still as hot and sometimes as rushed as before but they grew to be so comfortable around each other that by the time they moved in together sex was no longer about the time they wouldn’t spend together, but just about connection.

With Alex, goodness, it’s unlike anything she’s experienced before. So different it’s hard to put into words. It’s bits and pieces of each of all her past relationships.

They see each other basically every single day. They have sex like every other day. But they aren’t _in_ a committed relationship. Christen would think that by now one of them would have had their fill and put an end to this whole “friends with benefits” agreement they have. But it seems like the glass keeps getting larger and larger and neither one of their thirsts have been quenched.

To be perfectly frank, she forgot what it felt like to be needed, not just wanted, but needed. Sex with Alex was sometimes quick, almost crazed, and then other times, most of the time, it was so soft and tender that the feelings would swallow her whole. She’d drift away, along with the rules they carved out before they started this whole thing, and then Alex would pull her back. She’d wrap a strong arm around Christen’s waist, kiss her like she couldn’t quite believe it, and then drift off to sleep.

But some nights, like this one, they wouldn’t drift. They would still be up; room often times still dark and Christen would just stare.

And Alex would stare right back.

It’s the intimacy in these quiet moments that Christen tries to ignore because it means so much more than sex.

Alex is still her best friend. But now, Alex knows her body and she knows hers, and even more than that, it sometimes feels like Alex knows her soul. It’s a different thing, a different mindset.

Christen has always been in relationships where she thought of them as longer than the shelf life maybe said. Men and women coming in and out of her life sometimes leaving behind fond memories and other times heartbreak. But she’s never had a hold of something that she knows to be temporary, a relationship where the expiration date was something in bolded lettering she stenciled herself.

A relationship so rooted in friendship that Christen knows, she knows that despite all their words about preserving it, there is no way that they can ever go back. It scares her and she’s sure that if she voices that sentiment the glass house they’ve constructed will crack and crack and crack until it shatters.

The thought gnaws at her. Somewhere deep and dark inside of her where her old insecurities reside.

So she keeps her mouth shut and just stares.

But it’s in moments like this with Alex, in the moments where Christen can see the dots of grey in her eyes, sometimes the tinges of green if the sun is shining through, where Christen realizes that maybe she’s confusing temporary and forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back everyone! Sorry for the long wait, I haven't had the time to write as much so thank you for waiting this one out. I also can't believe we are 24 chapters in, so I thought it fitting to drop this on the 24th! 
> 
> As always let me know what you guys think!


	25. February 2022

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, the things that you do to me when we’re all alone."  
> 
> 
> \- Armando Young, _Stepping Stone_

_The middle of February_

It’s a couple of days before Valentine’s Day and Christen finds herself doing something she’s never done before.

The fumes in the air are kind of making her eyes water but she’s not complaining one bit.

They’re painting Alex’s guest room, the one with only a blow up mattress because Alex has three other livable rooms. She want’s to turn it into a study. Why? Christen doesn’t know, she thinks it’s because it reminds Alex a bit of her Dad’s office in her childhood home.

After a trip to Lowe’s they have the whole room set up.

Christen’s in a pair of overalls, a white t-shirt underneath and feet bare on the sheet covered hardwood floor. Alex is in similar attire, hip vintage boyfriend jeans she got at the flea market a couple weeks ago, a re-inc muscle tee that shows off the slope of her deltoids and sinewy biceps, and her hair pulled up in a messy bun.

It does something to Christen, the domesticity of painting the four walls, them starting on opposite sides with their rollers and getting closer and closer to each other in the middle.

They get side tracked when the music playing starts up the new Rihanna album that they played nonstop the first half of the season last year, and soon paint is flying and Alex is grabbing Christen by the waist, roller dropped somewhere on the floor not far away. Soon Christen’s laying down on the white sheet as both her and Alex laugh because who knew getting out of overalls would take two people.

After, with paint on parts of Christen's body it’s never been before and a rushed coffee and sandwich run at six in the evening down the street, they’re back at it. The navy blue color is calming, and when they finally get to the last wall they tackle it together.Christen thinks this is one of the best days she’s ever had.

So when she reaches up, standing just a little taller so her and Alex are the same height, she can’t help it when she leans in to kiss her.

Another piece of her, somewhere deep, moves and sets into place and Christen wraps her arms around Alex’s neck as she deepens the kiss. Alex doesn’t protest, just hums and pulls Christen in tightly by the waist. It’s familiar now, how they fit together and Christen craves it.

When air becomes a necessity she pulls away, but doesn’t get very far. Alex leans her forehead against hers and her blue eyes are bright.

“Thank you for helping me.” Alex’s words hit Christen’s parted lips, and it feels like they’re slow dancing as a LANY song plays through the speakers and they're still wrapped up in each other.

“You’re welcome,” She says softly, and Alex leans in this time, giving her another kiss, one that’s deep and full of something Christen can’t even realize.

They do this a lot now – kiss for no apparent reason. Kiss and it doesn’t lead anywhere, but in Christen’s head the feeling spreads and spreads.

Alex steps away first, “Want to get cleaned up?”

Christen nods, gripping Alex’s hand tightly as she leads her out of the room. She guess they’ll put the setting coat on later.

A couple of minutes go by and Christen’s privy to what Alex meant by getting cleaned up. She’s run a bath, thrown in the lavender bath salts Christen bought her and the eucalyptus bubble bath soap. She strips Christen out of her overalls, this time more familiar with the easiest way to get them off and Christen lets her. Alex is gentle, not trying to do anything more then softly touch her body like she’s admiring it.

When Christen finally steps into the water, they haven’t spoken a word to each other since leaving the paint brushes on the floor and Alex steps in after her, sitting down to lean back against the porcelain slope of the tub.

They stare at each other, and Christen notices the blue paint around Alex’s neck and her shoulder. She reaches up with a soapy hand and starts to rub the paint away, and they spend the next couple minutes washing away their afternoon activity.

After, Alex pulls her into her so her back is flush with Alex’s front and then coaxes Christen's head back so she rests easily against her left shoulder. She feels consumed by Alex, with them pressed together so tightly and the water so warm it weighs her down, Christen thinks she might not ever leave this position. They don’t speak as the water begins to turn colder, there’s just a quite hum between the two of them and the soft rhythmic way Alex runs one hand through her hair while the other draws patterns on her stomach.

When the water is no longer warm enough to ignore she sits up and stands, turning around in the water so she’s facing Alex. She’s staring down at her and Christen feels powerful and slightly off balance with the look Alex is giving her.

It’s a look she’s become all too familiar with over the last few months, one she remembers from the bathroom at the beach house where they first had sex. There’s a tinge of something else in Alex’s eyes as she takes a journey down Christen’s body and she stands patiently, waiting for her to get back to her destination.

When blue eyes, now almost black, lock back on Christen’s she feels a shiver run up her spine at the same time that Alex’s hands find the wet skin of her thighs. Alex stands as her hands move up Christen’s body and then they’re face to face.

Alex tilts her head slightly, bites her lip like she’s trying to contain the coy smile that pulls across her face and it slaps Christen in the face just how beautiful Alex is. And despite how cold the water is now getting, the rest of the air around them feels almost ten degrees hotter.

She feels like she needs to get away for a second, take a breath from air that isn’t being passed back and forth between them. So Christen steps out of the tub, careful to avoid slipping on the tiled floor.

With feet set Christen breathes once, and then twice, and then turns to search for the towels she can’t remember even getting out of Alex’s linen cabinet.

Alex follows without a word, reaching around her to drain the water and when she stands back up she slips slightly. Christen grabs onto her arm quickly to steady her and then they both almost end up on the floor. She can’t help the laugh that bubbles up even as Alex pulls her into her arms and presses their mouths together in a hot kiss.

So much for catching her breath.

“I told you to get the bath mats,” Christen murmurs lightly, pulling away after a few seconds of their mouths sliding together.

Alex hums then grips two handfuls of her ass and lifts Christen up like she weighs next to nothing and it’s honestly becoming a habit.

“I promise we’ll get them tomorrow.”

Christen doesn’t bother responding, no use really, and instead just wraps her legs and arms around Alex as she walks out of the bathroom. The heat between them begins to increase with each step and it isn’t until Alex hits the carpeted floor that Christen kisses her again.

It must be all the paint fumes she’s been inhaling all day because Christen has the thought that she could do this every day if given the chance. The idea is so fleeting though as Alex softly lays her on the bed.

Alex doesn’t immediately move on top of her, instead she stands there and stares down at her. Her eyes hold a fierceness that’s almost heavy, but the tender way Alex’s hands move over her thighs, still securely locked around Alex’s waist, make Christen’s heart pound.

Christen wonders if it’s loud enough for Alex to hear.

“What are you thinking about?” Christen hears herself ask, hands drifting up and over Alex’s stomach, arms extending until her fingers can lightly brush against Alex’s nipples.

Alex’s hands tighten for a second, pulling and Christen’s already wet enough, maybe from the bath or just because of Alex, that the motion causes her breath to hitch. And Christen thinks about how easily Alex gets under her skin now, how quickly the feeling in her chest travels throughout her body and causes a shudder to roll through her whenever it’s like this.

Alex’s eyes are dark with intent when she finally speaks, “I’m thinking about how I feel really high right now.”

Her laugh is unexpected and Alex joins in.

Christen squeezes her thighs together and pulls, tipping Alex forward, “It must be the fumes.”

The bed dips at Christen’s shoulders as Alex’s hands find purchase, and her face is in Christen’s hands before her brain catches up. Her head lifts and their lips connect before Christen even realizes what she’s doing.

The kiss turns hot and hungry quick enough that they're both rolling their hips into each other before Alex pulls away and Christen’s breathless.

“Maybe.” Alex hums and she’s still so close that her lips brush Christen’s with her next words. “Or maybe it’s something else.”

Christen doesn’t have time to think about what she means because Alex’s lips are on hers again and then she's being lifted further onto the bed. She doesn’t have time to consider the warning alarm going off distantly somewhere in her head because Alex licks a hot line from her collarbone to the bottom of her jaw. Christen doesn’t have time to analyze what “something else” could be before fingers slide through her purposefully and then dip inside.

The sigh of relief she lets out is enough, the way Alex sinks into her is what her mind decides to focus on. The way their mouths crash together and the way her fingers grasp at the muscles of Alex’s back. The way her hips rock and catch the rhythm Alex sets with purposeful fingers and her hips. The way Alex’s lips leave hers and place hot kisses across her face and neck until they’re right by her ear.

“You drive me fucking crazy.”

The words and the way Alex’s fingers curl with every pass cause Christen to gasp. And the words Christen wants to say are caught somewhere in her throat as Alex’s other hand moves hotly around her waist and down to her ass, pulling Christen up into her.

It’s kind of relentless after that. Her mind focused on the feeling instead of _feelings_. She cums almost unexpectedly, her orgasm surprising her enough that the moan she lets out is loud and unguarded. It takes a moment, an eternity even, for the white to clear from her vision but she feels the way Alex shakes in her arms, hears her heavy breathing right beside her ear, feels the way her fingers have slowed inside of her.

Christen thinks that maybe "something else" is this.

She starts moving her hips again, wanting the fullness she’s feeling to continue and Alex seems to get the idea. She lifts her head up and her eyes look almost dazed and in that moment Christen’s aware of the fact that Alex got off getting her off and goodness it’s enough.

Her hand reaches down and holds Alex’s wrist flush against her and flips them. The huff of surprise Alex releases Christen smothers with her mouth as her hips lift and drop.

Suddenly, she feels powerful again as she pulls back, watches as Alex’s eyes come into focus on her. Christen’s hands brace on Alex’s stomach as they move together and she tries to speak again but all that comes out is something resembling a whimper.

Her thoughts drift in and out at light-speed and it honestly though is a huge inconvenience for Christen. She wants time, time for her mind to catch up, time to verbalize this thing inside of her.

But instead her hips just keep moving and she keeps chasing the feeling.

*/||\\*

“So, I got something,” Alex says, head cradled in her hand as she props up on her elbow.

It’s the next morning and they’re still in bed, deciding to skip out on an early breakfast to have each other instead. Christen’s thinks there’s probably a permanent imprint of her body in Alex’s mattress at this point with how easily she melded into it as Alex took her over and over.

Surprisingly, she’s not at all tired though, just sated.

Alex is gazing at Christen with curiosity in her eyes and Christen wonders what she could be talking about.

“What is it?”

Alex sits up, naked body on display as strong muscles ripple with each step before Alex disappears into her walk in closet.

“It was an impulse buy and I know we haven’t really talked about this but I couldn’t stop thinking about it once the thought popped in my head.” Alex’s voice comes in and out but Christen hears enough of it for her interest to be piqued even more. And when Alex walks out, harness in one hand and purple dildo in the other, Christen can’t help the fact that she gets turned on all over again.

“You thought about fucking me with that?”

Alex’s eyes widen a fraction and her mouth drops open at Christen’s words. “Jesus, yes, it was all I could think about.”

Christen bites her lip, the images in her head playing easily and making her wet.

“Do you – I wasn’t sure if you would want to or if you have ever – “

“I have.” Christen says and for a second Alex’s eyes narrow, but the look is gone when Christen speaks her next words, “And I want to, with you.”

Alex nods and Christen watches with rapt attention as Alex steps into the harness, tightening it around her slim waist before snapping the purple dildo in place. It’s average size, if only slightly bigger than the one she was used to, and seeing it in between Alex’s legs as she walks back to the bed is making her pulse with need for it.

Alex’s knees have barely hit the bed and Christen’s already up and pulling her in for an open mouthed kiss.

“Just tell me if you want me to stop.” Alex murmurs against Christen’s lips then she pulls back as if she just remembered something. And she reaches over, hand moving inside her side table drawer before pulling out a small bottle of lube and pouring some into her open hand.

“I read that you need to still lubricate.”

Christen watches Alex’s hand move up and down the length and it shouldn’t be as sexy as it is. “You looked this up?”

Alex drops the bottle and nods, kissing her again, “I just want to make you feel good Chris.”

After that, the morning is lost.

There’s a bit of a learning curve, but for someone who’s never done it before Alex picks it up quickly. And there’s a moment, after Alex pants out an expletive, eyes glued to where their bodies are meeting thrust for thrust and the sounds of it echo off the walls, that Christen finally realizes that they’ve had three benefits days in a row.

*/||\\*

Four hours later, after a particularly steamy shower and a setting coat put on the walls, they’re back at BANC.

It’s colder than usual and the black and gold warm up pants do little to stop the whip of the wind.

Pre-season games start up next month and with the team being exactly the same as last year, Pirlo has skipped the whole welcome back ease into it training and is currently running them into the ground.

She's going to be so so sore tomorrow and her legs are already starting to burn, her back feels kind of raw, and every sprint increases the ache between her legs that’s a reminder of how her last three days have been.

Christen looks down the line and all her teammates don’t look like they’re fairing much better. Alex has her hands on her head and her chest is rising and falling quickly as she’s trying to catch her breath. Her shirt is riding up a little and even from where she’s standing some ten feet away Christen can see the bruise she sucked into the skin just above Alex’s hipbone.

She turns her head away and focuses back on Pirlo, who’s standing in front of them looking slightly disappointed. As if they were supposed to be running full field length sprints during the off-season in preparation for this day. 

“Okay ladies, pair off and let’s pass for a bit to rest before we get into drills.” Pirlo orders and she groans inwardly because rest should entail some water because they literally just did ten full-length field sprints and training _just_ started.

She feels a slight pull on her arm and Jill is there dragging her towards a bit of open space towards the other sideline.

The young midfielder and her have gotten really close over the last couple of months after Shannon went back to New York to spend the off season at home with her parents. So she’s become a regular visitor in Christen’s home and it’s honestly hilarious having someone around in their early twenties who enjoys just going to get their nails done and joining the shopping trips her and Alex take. Jill’s also become a regular now at Gracias Madre and she’s been secretly plotting to set Shannon up with Bianca after getting it out of the server that she's interested in women a couple weeks ago.

Christen will whole-heartedly admit she’s kind of excited to see how it will all play out.

The field delves into chatter and they’ve only passed back and forth a few times before Christen feels a tingling at the back of her neck. She turns and catches Alex’s eye where she’s passing with Lo. They smile at each other and she doesn’t notice the way Jill follows her gaze as she passes the ball back.

“So what’re you doing for V-Day?” Jill asks and Christen shrugs.

“Well, camp for She Believes starts on Valentine’s Day and Ali’s due date is tomorrow so just flying out to Orlando in the morning before camp Monday.”

Jill nods as she controls the quick pass she sends to her. Christen knows Jill is hopeful that she’ll get called up soon for a camp, especially since within the next year or two most of the veterans on the team will be retiring from national team duty. She’s been thinking about when she’s going to throw in the towel and although she feels club wise she’s still riding her peak, the traveling and camps away from home have started to make her want to dig her heels in the sand in Hermosa and not leave.

Jill sends a high pass she has to chest down and asks a question just as Christen’s gotten the ball under her feet.

“Okay, but Pressy what’re you _two_ doing?”

She tilts her head and stares across the way at Jill, “I don’t understand.”

Jill looks confused too probably at the genuine look of question on Christen's face.

“Huh,” Jill almost hums out like she’s coming to some conclusion Christen is unaware of.

She passes the ball back still missing the point, “What’re you doing?”

Jill laughs and then smiles brightly, “Greg.”

Christen laughs at the double meaning and they delve into conversation about Jill’s new guy who plays for the Clippers and the rest of training passes by.

So it isn’t until Christen’s in Orlando that it finally clicks in her head what Jill meant with her Valentine’s Day question.

Christen’s opening the door to the hotel room and Alex walks in after her and they drop their stuff in the usual place - Alex's duffle by the window and her's by the door.

She feels antsy and she's not sure what’s gotten her so riled up, whether it be the fact that of course their first camp together since they started sleeping with each other they get paired up as roommates or maybe it’s the fact that she spent the plane ride from Dallas to Orlando telling Pinoe as quietly as possible what’s been going on between the two of them for the last year or so, but Christen doesn’t hesitate.

Alex turns to say something, but she’s already in motion. Hand on Alex’s chest and just enough pressure to tilt her backwards so she lands on the bed. Christen climbs on top and then they’re kissing. 

Should they have talked about doing this at camp? Maybe, but with the way Alex is kissing her back it obviously would’ve been a short conversation. 

A fleeting reminder of her camp rules she established long ago comes to mind. Rules she used to follow to a T. But obviously rules pertaining Alex aren’t really rules at all. More like suggestions Christen reads once and then can’t formally recall.

Alex’s hands are moving fervently against her legs and with the angle Alex is already pulling at the seam of Christen’s leggings.

“I've been thinking about you all day.” Alex says once Christen pulls back to catch her breath for a second. "I want you so bad."

“You have me.” 

Once Christen says the words she wishes she could swallow them back because goodness that felt heavy.

The look in Alex’s eyes though is almost awe and Christen thinks that maybe it wasn’t that heavy at all. Alex leans up again and Christen finds herself leaning down, but just before their lips touch there’s a loud knock.

They both pause because maybe it’s not their door. 

A couple beats later and then another knock sounds. 

“Pressy!”

It sounds like Mal and then there are some other voices she can’t quite make out. Alex groans and falls back onto the bed. 

Christen giggles as a look of frustration pulls taut across Alex’s face. 

She leans down and gives her a light kiss before pulling back to smooth down the mess her fingers just made. “Fix your hair.” 

Alex pouts as Christen moves off her lap to stand and head towards the door. But before she can make it far, Alex is grabbing her hand and pulling her back. 

Her eyes are intense and goodness Christen feels the heat pool between her legs even more. 

Alex keeps eye contact as her hands work to adjust Christen’s shirt and pull up her leggings, “Can’t have you opening the door with your lace showing.” 

She scoffs and brushes Alex’s hand away, “I would have gotten it.” 

“I’m sure.” Alex’s lips quirk up, her hands squeezing at her hips, and Christen’s suddenly reaching up to smooth out the line that’s formed between Alex’s brows. 

Their position is intimate, so many moments like this have happened over the last couple weeks and Christen knows casual doesn’t entail this. 

Another harder knock and this time it’s Pinoe she hears. 

“CP, Alex! Mama doesn’t like waiting out here amongst the children.” 

She rolls her eyes because of course Pinoe would be there, the different looks the pink-haired woman displayed as Christen caught her up on the plane saying enough.

Christen finally steps back, breaking the heated air that wasn’t cooling down between them. 

“Coming!” She calls out, turning and moving towards the door. She checks herself in the full-length mirror and is happy to note that she looks pretty normal.

When she opens the door, Mal, Rose, Pinoe, Crystal and Julie are there. 

“Were you pooping?” Mal asks. 

“Just wanted to make you guys wait.” She says, stepping aside so they can all enter. 

Mal looks affronted, “Rude.” 

Christen closes the door and turns to see Alex and to be honest she wouldn’t know that just seconds ago her tongue was down her throat and her hands were trying to get her pants off. 

“I brought cards, so if we are really playing spades I’m going to need your full attentions.” Crystal announces then pulls one of the chairs to the edge of Alex’s bed. 

“I’m in.” Alex says and then looks over at Christen, gives her a slight smile then focuses her attention on Crystal. 

“You good CP?” Pinoe murmurs lowly.

“Yeah of course.” 

Pinoe chuckles silently then moves her hand up to rub across her lips like she’s wiping something away.

Christen’s eyes widen, face heating up as her hand immediately comes up to wipe at the edges of her lips. She realizes too late that neither she nor Alex are wearing anything that would leave any evidence of what was happening.

The guffaw Megan lets out makes Christen want to disappear right there on the spot. “Didn’t think that would actually work.”

She opens her mouth to respond but Crystal’s voice cuts through the air, “Ladies let’s get into the game.”

Christen nods and listens as Crystal explains the basics of spades, which Christen already knows having spent game nights growing up with her Dad and uncles playing, and then they pull cards to see who the dealer will be.

As Julie starts to distribute the cards Megan leans over and whispers, “At camp? How scandalous.”

Christen rolls her eyes still embarrassed, “You’re annoying.”

Megan just laughs again and Christen’s only a little bothered by the whole thing.

When Valentine’s Day rolls around the next day it’s different than the previous year, but there are some similarities.

The day is already filled with so much love and happiness that Christen will have enough of it collected until next year. The first practice for camp ended a couple of hours ago and now most of the team are in Ali and Ashlyn’s house and trying not to fall all over themselves trying to hold their new beautiful baby girl.

Christen looks around the house and the similarities become more apparent.

One, she’s spending another Valentine’s Day with Alex. But they aren’t in LA and it’s not just the two of them attempting to fight the building attraction between them.

Two, she’s gotten another box of forever roses but this time they’re sitting next door at the Craft’s house waiting for her return. And this time, Christen actually ordered something for Alex too. She didn’t feel _that_ weird doing it, since she knew it wasn’t a stretch to get something for the woman she’s been consistently sleeping with for the past four months and also her best friend of two years. But she did feel a little nervous.

Three, the looks she shares with Alex feel as charged as they did last year and Christen truly tries not to look. She really does, but goodness it’s difficult, because she knows what they mean now. And she knows that when they get back to the hotel later, to the freaking room they’re sharing for camp, what the night could possibly entail.

Christen takes a moment, glad that the rest of her teammates are around to take her mind off of all the thoughts of things she’s tried not to focus too much on during the last couple of weeks.

She lets out a quiet sigh of relief when it’s finally her turn to hold the little piece of love Ali and Ash created and she cries.

Christen does, not Sloane. And boy does Christen cry because she can’t quite believe that Ash and Ali’s little family is now complete. Full of so much love to give that it only makes sense that Valentine’s Day would forever symbolize the day they brought their daughter home.

Sloane just looks up at her with eyes just barely strong enough to stay open for a second before she falls back asleep and Christen basically melts right into the couch.

Tobin’s sitting next to her and she passes Sloane slowly into Tobin’s waiting arms. There’s a little sound, almost a hiccup, that Sloane lets out and both her and Tobin smile brightly at each other.

“Aww you two are cute.”

The comment catches Christen off guard, the bubble of calm serenity that comes with holding a newborn baby, someone so untouched by the world, pops and hurtles Christen back into reality.

Christen turns and looks over. Deb, Ali’s Mom is smiling so widely at them phone out like it’s been most of the day documenting every second of her new granddaughter's life. A weird feeling washes over Christen. One she can’t quite place. She has no idea why the moment suddenly feels suffocating.

Christen thinks Tobin feels it too because she shifts in her seat and stares back down at the newborn still resting in her arms.

She stands from the couch, attempting to dispel the sudden awkwardness. She gives Deb a quick smile before moving to where Ali is standing with Pinoe and Syd. 

“How are you?” Christen asks Ali, pulling her into a quick hug.

Ali gives her a tired smile, “Exhausted, but so so happy.”

“She’s beautiful,” Christen says, looking back over to where Tobin is still rocking Sloane. The image squeezes at Christen’s heart somewhere between thoughts of her past and her present because Tobin looks so content.

And Christen feels something shift somewhere inside herself, another piece of a puzzle moving into place.

*/||\\*

The next week of camp is filled with training, meetings, and evenings spent having game nights with her teammates. They play Germany in the first game of the She Believes Cup and scrape by with a 1-0 win after Julie puts her head on Pinoe’s corner kick fifteen minutes into the game. They play Brazil after that and the team is rebuilding after Marta, Cristiane, and Barbara retired last year but it’s still a pretty physical game. They win 2-0 with goals from herself and Pinoe.

Their last game is in two days against Mexico and Vlatko has given them the evening off after a particularly tiring morning training.

Christen’s in her room with Pinoe and Tobin, going over the logistics for the re-inc event they are having at the end of this month in Portland. Megan somehow commandeered the large white board from the meeting hall to write out the event details and Tobin’s using it now to draw out ideas for the next drop.

Pinoe let’s out a groan from where she’s sitting on Christen's bed, dropping the room service menu back onto the nightstand, “I’m going to go search for something to eat, I can’t live like this.”

Tobin laughs, “You’re so dramatic dude.”

“So I take it you’re not coming?” Megan says, pointing at Tobin.

Tobin shakes her head and goes back to sketching.

Megan turns to give Christen a questioning look, “CP?”

“I’m good, I’m not hungry.” She answers and then Megan’s moving towards the door.

“Okay, just text me if you change your mind. I’ll be back.”

Then she’s gone.

Christen turns her attention back to her laptop, which has the guest list for the event and seating chart up. Her and Tobin work in silence for the next couple of minutes, only a couple questions thrown in as Tobin wonders out loud about design features for the sweatshirt she’s working on.

And Christen won’t even lie, for someone drawing in whiteboard marker, Tobin’s design looks really cool.

The silence in the room is broken when Tobin’s phone vibrates loudly on the table next to where she’s standing. Christen watches as Tobin picks it up and then smiles before typing something out quickly.

That’s new and it makes Christen wonder who she could be texting.

Christen’s side-stepped the question of her dating life enough over the last week when she’s been caught daydreaming. But it’s not like there was anything to tell. She wasn’t dating anyone, wasn’t going out and meeting anyone either. Plus Tobin’s really never asked as much. But Christen knows enough about the woman Tobin’s been seeing and with Valentine’s Day just passing the idea always has one questioning.

“How are you and Willa?” Christen asks and Tobin throws a look at her in mild surprise.

“Fine.” Tobin answers, but the tone sounds like they’re anything but.

“Doesn’t sound fine.”

Tobin sighs, “She’s ready for a commitment and I just –.” Tobin stops herself then turns, arm dropping to her side and the smile on her face from just a few seconds ago gone.

“I just don’t think I can do that again.”

Christen tilts her head in slight confusion, “Do what?”

A heavy shadow passes over Tobin’s face as she looks at her and she leans back against the table and crosses her arms.

“Commit to something that isn’t going to be forever.”

The words hurt more than Christen would like to admit, all too aware of the underlying reasoning for Tobin’s words. But she swallows the hurt because Tobin’s obviously struggling with a very valid feeling of fear – one Christen understands whole-heartedly.

“Well, how can you know though if you don’t take that next step?” The question is rhetorical and Tobin doesn’t say anything so Christen pushes on.

“It’s terrifying I know, but when have you ever been scared of something?” Christen means for the words to be light, but the look on Tobin’s face shows that the words don’t quite hit their mark. Tobin gives her an almost incredulous look serious enough that it causes Christen to close her laptop and give Tobin her full attention.

“Do you really have no idea how badly us breaking up fucked me up?”

Christen winces, “Tobin, I didn't mean for it to come off like that.”

Silence descends around them and then Tobin runs a hand through her hair and takes a deep breath, “I’m sorry, that was unfair.”

“It’s okay.” And it is. Christen knows just how difficult ending their relationship was, and she knows just how difficult it was getting over that. She thought Tobin had moved on and moved forward.

But - maybe not.

“Has it been easy for you?” Tobin asks after a couple seconds of silence. “I know you and Sophia were –,” Tobin trails off again then shrugs her shoulders.

Christen takes a moment to think her response through. The question is layered and her answer is layered too.

It hasn’t been easy.

Moving on after her and Tobin’s break-up was difficult and she needed a lot of time to herself. And dating again had been difficult but not due to fear of committing again and it ending how their relationship did. It had been difficult because who she liked – goodness, still likes, has been someone completely unexpected. Someone who comes with difficulties that stem from her fear of losing the stability and comfort of her life now.

So no, it hasn’t been easy. But she doesn’t want to give Tobin the wrong idea of the reasoning why. But she also knows that now is not the right time to tell Tobin about Alex. She honestly has no idea when the right time will be.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Tobin says, throwing Christen an out.

“It’s not that.” She starts and adjusts herself on the bed. The movement causes the folder of event invite ideas to fall to the floor between them.

They both drop down on instinct to pick it up and their foreheads knock together hard enough that it makes a sound.

“Ow.” They say in unison and the tense air dissipates as sharp pain radiates through Christen’s head.

“You good?” Tobin asks and they both stand up slowly. “When did your head turn into a freaking bowling ball?”

Christen places a hand on Tobin’s shoulder to both steady herself and make sure Tobin’s not concussed as the brunette rubs at her forehead, “I’m sorry Tobin I-“

“Chris, I found that macha tea you were looking for –“

Christen turns and sees Alex standing there, eyes taking in the scene in front of her. Christen hadn’t heard the door open and her heart seizes in her chest as she sees the confusion in Alex’s eyes.

“Am I interrupting something?”

There’s a moment where a deep panic settles in her rib cage as Alex looks between them. Sees the way her eyes drop to Christen’s hand that is still resting on Tobin’s shoulder, takes in how close they’re standing.

She takes a step back, arm dropping off Tobin’s shoulder like dead weight. Luckily, Tobin doesn’t seem to recognize the silent exchange her and Alex just had because she rubs at her forehead again and hooks a thumb in her direction.

“Yeah, Christen here just gave me a concussion.”

Alex blinks and her face changes so quickly from confused to a detached form of relaxed that if Christen hadn’t been staring and learning her facial expressions for the past two years she might have missed it.

“Oh, are you okay?” Alex asks, “You don’t look too dazed and no double vision or anything like that right?”

“No, but a knot is definitely forming.” Tobin says and bends down to grab the folder and hand it to Christen.

“Sorry again.” Christen says and sits back down on Alex’s bed.

“It’s cool.” Tobin says easily and then turns towards the whiteboard again.

Christen turns her gaze to Alex again and the other woman takes a step towards her. Before she can get to her though, the door opens again and this time Christen hears it as Megan glides in with a takeout bag. 

“Oh green drink for me? Thank you!” Megan says, grabbing the drink out of Alex’s outstretched hand.

“It’s for Christen.” Alex protests and Pinoe shrugs.

“Same thing.” Megan then sits down on Christen’s bed again and looks at all three of them. “So what’d I miss?”

Christen just falls back into the mattress.

*/||\\*

The next day at training she's really trying to pay attention.

But her thoughts keep drifting back to the night before. After Megan and Tobin had left her room she thought that Alex would bring up what happened but she didn’t.

Instead Alex just sat down next to Christen gave her a quick once over then leaned in to kiss her.

They made out for a while, legs slotted together on top of Alex’s bed before the other forward pulled back.

“I’ve never had sex at camp before.”

Christen had blinked because oh…that’s where this was heading. And Alex’s admission had been an obvious one though, and Christen had told her so.

“I’m trying to be sweet here,” Alex said and sat up to pull off Christen’s shorts and throw them onto the floor.

“You’re cute and all Al, but it doesn’t matter if I’m the first person.”

Just as long as she’s the last is a thought that pings around in her brain for a moment and goodness Christen had wanted to stop right there and meditate. But Alex hadn’t given her the chance.

“Noted.” Alex had nodded then pulled Christen’s panties off and then brought her face level with Christen’s center.

“Are you going to be quiet?”

Christen nodded, anticipation filling her just as quickly as every emotion over the past week had and she had grabbed a pillow and pulled it close.

She knew she wasn’t quiet, they were never quiet and the first swipe of Alex’s tongue had her taking in a deep breath before placing the pillow over her face. 

Alex had pulled back at the action and shook her head, “I want to see your face Chris, just be quiet for me.”

Now here Christen is, hand still a little sore from clenching it so tightly and biting it to prevent moaning too loud, and she’s really meant to be participating. She's meant to be thinking about their game tomorrow against Mexico and paying attention to what's going on. But her head is a mess.

She needs to focus.

Vlatko has them doing their old team building activity Jill used to incorporate every camp where they’re scrambling and falling all over each other trying to make sure they have a partner’s back to jump on.

Erica, one of the assistant coaches, calls out “up” and the closest person to Christen is Tobin.

Tobin isn’t exactly ready as Christen jumps and they both tumble to the ground in a tangle of limbs. Tobin groans and she rubs at the same spot on her head that Christen knocked into the night before.

“A little warning next time Chris.”

She feels her face heat, and Tobin looks up at her through squinted eyes.

“Sorry.” Christen murmurs and it takes a moment for Christen realize their position. She’s practically straddling Tobin and she moves quickly to get her legs out from under the midfielder.

“Why does it suddenly feel like I’m back in 2015?” Kelley calls out and the girls around her laugh as Christen stands up and then pulls Tobin up too.

“Shut up Kel.” She mumbles and Kelley just puts her arms up like she’s innocent.

Christen’s aware that it’s a joke, a dig her friends make every now and again to make light of the fact that her and Tobin’s relationship ended after all the fanfare. But the timing could be better. Because while it’s not at all awkward between them since last night, there’s a weird energy in the air that Christen was sure the last three years had dispelled. She didn’t get a chance to answer Tobin’s question and she’s wondering if Tobin still wants to hear her answer.

Two hours later, after Vlatko calls for the end of training, Christen stands up and wipes the grass off her shorts and puts her boots into her bag. Megan’s standing there waiting for her to finish up so they can head to the bus.

“So want to go to the drugstore and get all the left over Valentine’s Day candy half-off?”

Christen smirks at the look of glee in Pinoe’s eyes, “I already have enough candy P.”

Pinoe laughs, “Oh right, I forgot you’re basically taken so you have all the sugar you could possibly want, whenever you want, huh?”

Christen’s mouth drops open at Pinoe’s words and she’s immediately regretting confirming what’s been going on with her and Alex. She’s about to swat a hand at Megan when she watches the pink-haired woman’s eyes get big and a look of something Christen can’t quite place washes over Megan’s features.

When Christen turns, she immediately identifies what it was – guilt.

“I didn’t know you were seeing someone.” Tobin says and she looks confused standing there looking between her and Pinoe.

“It’s not serious.” The words tumble from her mouth and it feels wrong. Because even though they agreed casual, it stopped feeling like that a long time ago.

When she looks back at Megan one of her eyebrows is lifted in question. Now, Christen suddenly feels guilty because she’s just lied. And she feels like she’s keeping this big secret from her friends, from her family, from everyone. Omitting something that has been making her so happy for the last couple of months. But she knows, she _knows_ if she tells Tobin like this it’ll hurt. 

But her relationship with Alex _is_ serious. It’s serious because it makes Christen feel like she’s falling, falling, falling, falling and there’s no end in sight.

And it surprises her because she has always known when that’s about to happen. She always remembers the before. The times when Tobin, when Vero, when Olivia, even Nima were only friends, acquaintances even, and then the moment when that changed. She remembers what it was like to see someone as one thing then as more. But with Alex, she doesn’t remember. She can’t think of the exact moment, because she just feels like she’s been falling. And if she thinks of one moment, she ends up being able to identify a time earlier when her feelings started to change. And so it goes until she feels like she’s going so far back it can’t possibly make sense.

That’s what she was thinking about last night after she climbed into her own bed and they slept separately for the first time in what felt like years. 

Christen turns back to Tobin and the brunette doesn’t look at all convinced. Tobin takes a small step towards her, almost hesitantly, like she's afraid Christen will run.

“Why didn’t you say something before?” Tobin asks quietly, and Megan coughs out an “I’ll be right back” but Christen doesn’t turn to look at her when she walks away.

She feels exposed under Tobin’s gaze, and a little bit confused with how the thoughts in her head won’t slow down. She's felt so scattered the last week, like she's misplaced something but can't remember exactly what it is. She feels something pull inside of her and when she looks to her left, Alex’s eyes are already on her and Christen takes an unconscious step back.

Alex stares for a second then turns back towards Crystal and Abby.

And for Christen, it feels like the ground starts to crack beneath her feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all for your patience! We are getting close to the end of this wild ride, cyb?
> 
> As always, let me know what you think and I hope everyone had a great Black History Month!


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